My Name Is X and I Am a Cumberbitch

Copyright

HarperCollinsPublishers 1 London Bridge Street London SE1 9GF

www.harpercollins.co.uk

First published by HarperCollinsPublishers 2015

FIRST EDITION

© Emily Barrett 2015

Illustrations © Alexei Penfold 2015 Cover layout design © HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd 2015 Front cover photograph © Shutterstock.com

A catalogue record of this book is available from the British Library

Emily Barrett asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work

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Source ISBN: 9780008149338

Ebook Edition © November 2015 ISBN: 9780008149345 Version: 2015-10-05

Cum·ber·bitch

Variations: Cumbercookies; Cumberologists; Cumberbabes; Cumbercollective

e.g. I physically cannot leave my house today because I am a Cumberbitch, and Sherlock series 1–3 is playing back-to-back on TV

e.g. S/he clearly knows a thing or two; s/he’s a Cumberbitch

For the poor, unsuspecting souls who’ve yet to lay eyes on the subject of this book, and are therefore unaware of what lies in store for them once they do.

Contents

Cover

Title page

Copyright

Well, hello there, fellow Cumberlover

So you think you’re a Cumberbitch?

Part 1: Diagnosis

The Cumberbatch Quiz

The Cumberbatch Quiz: Answers

The Cumberscale

So you’re definitely a Cumberbitch

Part 2: Cure

The Five-Point Plan to Dis-Batch Your Ben-Addiction

#1 Recognise the Danger Zones

#2 Bite-Sized Benedict

#3 Name Association

#4 A Benedict by Any Other Name

#5 Go to the Source

So you’re done with being a Cumberbitch!

Part 3: The New You (maybe)

The Cumberbitch Test

Outcome

Acknowledgements

Final Thought

About the publisher

Well, hello there, fellow Cumberlover

1976 will go down in history for many a reason. It was the year Steve Jobs formed Apple Computers, Inc. It was the year someone tried to kill Bob Marley. The UK’s ‘Save Your Kisses for Me’ unsurprisingly won top gong at the Eurovision Song Contest and somewhere in Canada the Olympics happened.

But most importantly, it was the year Benedict Cumberbatch was born – on 19 July, in a rather posh part of London, to parents Timothy and Wanda (better known as Mr and Mrs Holmes in series three of Sherlock). Ever since that fateful Monday, we, the common populace, have been blessed with his award-winning films, cracking TV shows, GIFs of his funniest facial expressions and memes of his photobombing prowess. In short, his contribution to modern-day life has been wonderful …

With the sweet comes the sour.

Weekends lost to YouTubing interview clips and compilations of his funniest sound bites. Days fallen prey to box sets and feeling unsatisfied with people who have fewer than six syllables in their name. Hours wasted fantasising about accidentally bumping into him with a skinny cappuccino and what would inevitably happen next. The emotional hangover of what that would do to Mrs Cumberbatch if she ever found out – followed by not feeling guilty at all and hence having to recognise that you’re a bad person because of it. It’s all right. We’ve all been there.

Some day you might want to use such productivity and emotional investment elsewhere. School, work, family, travel – things a Ben-addiction can get in the way of. If you’ve reached this point then what good timing! You are in the right place! Have a quick google to ascertain what BC’s favourite drink is, then make one, settle down into an armchair of your choice and begin.

First, we’ll run a quick diagnostic check to see if you’re in need of our services. Don’t panic, it’s nothing strenuous, just a quick quiz so we can get a reading on our Cumberometer. If after this it seems you’re in need of some rehab, we’ll run you through our five simple dis-Batch-ing methods. We can’t guarantee anything, but we’re sure we’ll have you back to life BC (Before Cumberbatch) in no time.

‘The further you get away from yourself, the more challenging it is. Not to be in your comfort zone is great fun.’

– Benedict Cumberbatch*

*Some may argue that it’s counterproductive to quote from Mr C, but we can’t help it that he’s a notable source of wisdom in the world today.

You’ve watched every episode of Sherlock twice and you’ve set up an alert on your phone for relevant Benedict BuzzFeed articles.

But that doesn’t necessarily spell trouble; Sherlock is a highly rated, award-winning show after all, and setting up internet alerts demonstrates efficiency and a desire to stay on trend (one hopes ...).

Therefore, to determine where you are on the fan spectrum, we’ve devised a handy questionnaire for you to complete. Now you can find out once and for all whether you’re simply a Cumberbatch admirer, or if you’ve trespassed into C-word territory.

The Cumberbatch Quiz

Do You...

1. Know the name of Mrs Benedict Cumberbatch?

2. Know which film he starred in as Julian Assange?

3. Know which recently reburied King of England he’s distantly related to?

4. Know how he formally announced his engagement?

5. Know how he says the word ‘penguin’?

6. Know what he was wearing on his lower half (behave) when he collected his 2014 UK National Television Award?

7. Know what his natural hair colour is?

8. Know which of the Marvel Comics characters he’s playing?

9. Understand what heterochromia iridis of the eyes means (because he has it)?

10. Now find dragons strangely attractive?

1 point for every correct answer

Tap here for the answers

Can You...

1. Name the 2007 film he starred in as Paul Marshall?

2. Guess his middle names?

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