But when the desire is linked to love, it is difeent: It is possible that the desire can route to love; the beloved, irrefutably we wish it, adds the philosopher.
Today I want you to feel that through my words I can caress you, and not with the prosaic friction that the delights of modesty pay us, but, but with these indelible caresses.
As the bards immortalize their loved ones, this humble practitioner would wish to glorify yourself with songs that refresh your youthful thirst and with poems that lull your afternoon. Say how much I am in love with you, virginal goddess, almighty, the owner of my love, the slave of my love, as the slave women of the Old Testament, with a candor of cosmos as Proserpina, infernal queen, or some pagan goddess. You are the Musa of poetry. You: a thousand women in one. A thousand goddesses in one. My Pandora, my Eva, my Mary Magdalena so purified for the kisses of Jesus.
You, who knows how to dominate my spirit, are my owner. And you are at every moment. Because your affable memory cures me of my melancholy: your words whispered in the wind and your face illuminating the space that could be empty unless you love this crazy man who lives only for you.
Your being is more hypnotic than a fantastic tale, as shrouded in mystery as a thriller, but at the same time so real and deep as a novel of realistic rawness. And there is no contradiction because sometimes you seem to me to be accurate and paradoxical.
With a vision that goes beyond the everyday, I try to reach you and delve into the depths of your love. And I get to see through your eyes (which are infinite receptacles of clairvoyance, as a crystal ball would be for an old woman versed in crystalomancy, but as delicate and pure as the Delphic oracle) that depth of mature woman, that indomitable strength that you carry deep, and makes me think of the strength of a god. Sometimes you seem to be too divine to proceed from earthly transcendence. Your ancestors can only be the same as those of Ariadne, divine caste of goddesses.
And meanwhile, I only have a dark minotaur that spins and spins in a circular maze of my brain, hoping that Theseus (divine love that professes me) breaks with his thread this brutal loneliness.
That is why I ask, along with the poet: Does it suffer more who expects the caress of its love, or that sadness that does not have anyone to wait for?Although the answer is obvious, the pain, when it is the product of waiting for love, is not bitter, and my promise appears that even having you close I will never stop writing love letters to you. Because you love me and because I love you, because I wait for you, and because you wait for me too, but mostly because our love will always be an infinite dissatisfaction.
Yours, wherever.
GRATITUDE
Gratitude comes from hands and goes through our arms toward the spinal nerve. It is violet that personifies temperance and reflection. It is offered with a sweet taste and a woody perfume. Its symbolic effigy is Wood and it will always be carved in this material. In the Tarot cards I mold it with The Hung Man, who hangs on a tree branch and exemplifies dedication and sacrifice. In the western zodiac imagine I associate it with Capricorn, parent of all generosity. In the Chinese zodiac I reveal it in The Boar, who never keeps resentment and it has an altruistic spirit. Gratitude is Condensed and it goes to the west behind a Wolf that feeds on the old and praises the new.
CHAPTER FOUR
They marched during nine days so that my humanity entered the limpid portal of her house in the fifteen years party. I arrived early, with my bloody innocent gift (at that time my mother worked as a dressmaker and the present I brought her was a cut from a cheap cloth) and with a smile that camouflaged nervousness. Half an hour later I was sitting in the main room orchestrating the way not to go dancing. At the bottom, in the anteroom, angry voices of experts talks were intensified in the same proportion which increased the force of music. Surely there were their parents, relatives and close people, people of Saturday dinners, all enjoying the pleasures of the coexistence of the moment (or at least that's how I imagined it, because I was not approached by the curiosity of observing who they were and I venture to say that even if I had, it is likely that I would not have recognized any of them). Most of my high school classmates surrounded me. My ineptitude to interact flourished at every moment and I did not know how to respond to the moment: the cave animal was facing for the first time the jungle world of the wild beasts.
It was time for the dance. My legs stuttered and implored me to rest and not because they were tired but because they were ashamed of their crudeness. She was the expert and she took my hands as if she wanted to teach me the dances that I might not learn in a lifetime. I don't remember if I danced with someone else. The most possible thing is that I did not. I left with the anticipation imposed by my watch and when I left the party she said goodbye with a kiss on my cheek. Dessert, unattained by my urgency, appeared a couple of hours later on my porch. Her delicate arms extending the disposable plate constituted one more step towards falling in love.
Although the fat man was the roughest, the dumb was the strongest. They squeezed me outside and inside while they silenced my despair by covering my mouth that moaned with dismay and helplessness, and my tears hit the pavement.
The young man was the most impetuous and contrary to what you might think. He never showed indecision and lashed out at me with the same predisposition as his elders.
Surely some scary soul must have seen the atrocity. I am sure of it. In the distance I noticed a light, some vehicle that focused the debauchery and then escaped. You may think, dear friend, that it was a hallucination of my own despair, as those refuges of water that the pilgrims of the desert imagine in the aridity of their exiles. It could have been a vision or a memory invented by my aging memory, but I'm sure it´s not. It was real, so real with the three-headed beast that possessed my body that night.
LETTER FOUR
The means of communication that we have today bring people closer each day. Telecomunications of image and audio can be obtained only by pressing a button. The Network is a medium that has cut distances. If an ancient painter had observed such a prodigy, surely he would have thought that it was some powerful alchemy. If it had been some holy woman of the medioeval who had contemplated it, undoubtedly I would have believed that it was an artifice of the evil.
Technology depends on time, and advances with it. Since the first hominid captured the first cave painting in a forgotten cave until this moment somewhere in the world, the least experienced of the prepubescent girls writes a text message on her phone, the intention of communicating has not changed. Only the means have varied.
When human beings were able to form an articulated language (oral and written), their wish of expression was strengthened. One of the most used means of all time has been the letter.
Letters from writers, politicians and roman speakers are still studied for their literary value, and the ancient Greek for its philosophical value.
The Holy Scriptures are full of these manifestations. The Saints justified the current theology based on epistles. And the great book contains the epistles to the Colossians, the Philippians, the Galatians, the Hebrews, the Romans, as well as the Corinthians and the Thessalonians, where the apostles continued to propagate their ideas.
It is known that Anastasia Dross, renowned Latin American philosopher, wrote, apart from novels, essays, poems, plays and more than twenty thousand letters. On average, Dross had to write one letter per day.
At the other extreme is Alessandra Zimbardo, an Italian philosopher who died the same year as Dross, for whom writing a letter was an exhausting process and a real torment. Zimbardo confessed it in his memoirs: I cannot write any letter, whose importance is variable, that does not demand hours of frustration.
The letters have been taken as a powerful literary resource.
A French writer, author of the famous novel Persian Letters, achieved through epistles that the two characters issue, make a criticism to the strong society of his time. In this work, the bourgeois society, the political and religious institutions and even the literature of his time were strongly criticized.
One case that most struck me some years ago was the work of an Icelandic author entitled The tribulations of the young student Dögg, which is about a young passionate who talks to her friend about the writings of her misadventures because she could not say that she loved a boy, despair that ends with suicide. This novel seems greatly influenced the youth. Girls, who were exalted when they finished reading the story, sparked a wave of suicides. This prompted me to read it. A encyclopedia tells us: The tribulations of the young student Dögg was imitated by not only young people in the locker room, but also its tragic end: it is said that it caused more suicides than words inside its pages.
When reading it, the magic ran out. I realized it was a novel of that time and that, under any circumstance, it could influence the present.
Letters have served a purpose: to express situations, ideas, feelings and the thoughts of those who write. Technology gives us now electronic letters, which performs the work in a faster way. Texting has been another means that similarly shortens distances. The unquestionable predecessor of the cell phone text message is the telegraph.
Despite the positive side, I would also like to raise some objection. Although these polished technologies shorten space and time, they suffer from the defect of the ephemeral, while a royal letter immortalizes the moment.
This is a good reason to consider the value of a letter (in the traditional sense) as irreplaceable in a demonstration and exaltation of the bond we have formed around our love. So I like that we write. I consider that the letters (which have been written since the time of ancient Greek philosophers) have a much greater degree of permanence and significance than any other means.
Perhaps there are people who still hanker, in romantic imaginations, to wait for answers that took days or weeks to arrive. Imagine how it would be to write a letter expressing what it´s felt or known, as our good philosophers did. But it is likely that nowadays it is totally exceptional that people think that the exclusive use of traditional letters is the best form of communication. On the other hand, each era has its options and people acclimatize to its resources.
A few centuries ago, the first chronicles began to be published, what a century later was called news (and that today they can be read every day, precisely in the newspapers ), and people had another means of communicating them. The nineteenth century had the telegraph to unite people and continents. The twentieth century has the radio, the telephone, the television. Now, the twenty-first century has some powerful resources such as network and wireless media such as mobile cellular technology. Resources that had been implausible for our ancestors are, however, very possible and daily for us. And here comes the most amazing and interesting part. Resources that for our future generations will be feasible and common. Today, there is nothing more than science fiction to us. The most probable thing is that out children and grandchildren enjoy the nearby illusion of a loved one through holograms. But I am convinced that science would not stop there. It will conceive of means that these days for our little imaginative capacity are inconceivable. Means that are so impressive that today we would call them “pretty imaginations”, or in more superstitious cases we would cross them out for being curses or miracles. Some saint of the Middle Ages would have thought that it was a heavenly wonder the fact of writing a message saying where she had been, and after a few seconds would have appeared written in another very distant place. Or a former painter would have thought that it was marvellous to observe the image in a real moment on a single screen.
In any case, it is you who will finally decide the value that each letter that I write to you should have, because they are written for you, and they will be yours as long as I keep writing.
Yours, with or without letters (although preferibly with them).
CHAPTER FIVE
The days began to pass with an increased desire to feel together. The custom of being near each other became so imperative as her desire to go to the bathroom during the recess. And there we were, talking about trivialities, sitting on the farthest benches. They were sublime moments, dosed by a sensation that played in our stomachs. Her smile captivated me and maddened me that loud and vivacious laugh which made be attentive to the most lackaidisical person.
The most representative thing at this stage was my timidity. She was outgoing and talkative, and I was a shy guy with words crossed in my throat. I'm still impressed by the fact that we could relate each other. I would throw out jerky and witty phrases and she would feed them with a fluid and exuberant conversation.
Over time, an old almond tree became a serene accomplice. He wrapped us up with its shyness and did a good third intoning the violin of silence. He kept us the secrets of our clandestine kisses that we rarely gave each other and that were prohibited in the institution.
At the exit, I had the idea of walking with her and started waiting for her every noon. Over time, this rite became an everyday thing and a seven-block talk enveloped us daily.
The school of my youth was private and it was one kilometer away from the main town. To get there, you had to walk through a short bridge of just five meters that was suspended over one of the stream's flows.
Then there were two forks.
The first one was the shortest path through a tiny hamlet of just a hundred buildings.
The second one was covered by asphalt and although the tour was longer in the amplitude of the way, it bordered the town in the form of the letter “u”, crossing the area of teak forests that belonged to the rector's family.
He was the one who preferred to walk through them in several moments of loneliness, without fear of isolation on his journey for lacking lights or houses settled on its edges.
This partly explains why my intense groans never had a distress response.
That night, lying and staring into the sky I could see, in the short moments when I opened my eyes during several occasions, how the wind of the beginning of winter was rocking the leaves of teak. Some of them will have impacted my face while I observed the clouds that crowded and covered the luminosity of the moon. The gloom was more intense.
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