CHAPTER FIVE (#ulink_f8be7eef-3ed7-50b8-b457-66613e8f4175)
Arthur grabbed the flaming garden fork around the central tine, ignoring the heat and the flames, and ripped it from the grasp of the boy, who fell over backwards and collided with the pantry door, smashing it in. While the boy was still trying to get up, Arthur flipped the fork so he could hold it by the haft and raised it over his head, ready to strike. He was just about to furiously drive it into the boy when he stopped.
He’s only a boy, just like me…just like I was, Arthur thought through the red mist of rage. What am I doing?
“Don’t kill me!” the boy shrieked.
“Why were you trying to kill me?” Arthur asked. He didn’t lower the flaming garden fork.
“You’re s’posed to be a weed,” said the boy. Now that Arthur had a good look at the intruder, he was sure he was a Piper’s child. He was wearing green boots made from something like rubber; muddy tartan trousers; a short-tailed tan coat over a mustard-coloured waistcoat and green shirt with a frilled front; and a large cloth cap that overhung his face.
“A weed?” asked Arthur. “But I’m inside a house. And I’m clearly not a plant.”
“I’m s’posed to find a weed that’s got into the Garden,” said the boy. He reached into a waistcoat pocket and pulled out a grubby piece of paper that had been folded several times. “Look, I got the work order. A mix-up, I guess. They never said someone high up was going to do the weeding—”
“Shut up,” ordered Arthur. He leaned the flaming garden fork against the bench and added, “And you, go out.”
The fire on the fork snuffed out. The Piper’s child stared at it and whispered, “Blimey!”
Arthur took the paper and unfolded it. Despite a muddy stain across the middle, it was easy to read the fine copperplate handwriting.
Weed Intrusion. Bed 27. Pot 5. Dispatch gardener.
“You’re a gardener?” asked Arthur.
“Second Assistant Sub-Gardener’s Aide Fourth Class Once Removed Phineas Dirtdigger,” said the boy. “Sir.”
“Are there a lot of Piper’s children in the Incomparable Gardens?” asked Arthur.
“Dunno, sir,” said Phineas. “It’s a big garden. I only work this bed…well, pots one to fifty. Are…are you Sunday’s Reaper, sir?”
“Sunday’s Reaper?” asked Arthur. “Who’s that?”
“You know, sir. The Sower, the Grower and the Reaper. I did always think they were green, but I’ve never seen them, not in person, like.”
“I suppose they must be names for Sunday’s Dawn, Noon and Dusk,” mused Arthur. “Now tell me, you called this place a pot. But it’s a house, with a woman in it upstairs.”
“Oh, yes, sir, she’s what we call an exhibit,” said Phineas eagerly. “This part of the Incomparable Gardens is the Zoological Gardens, with people and animals and such like that Lord Sunday has collected. He always takes their home as well, so they’re displayed properly.”
“Why couldn’t she see me?” asked Arthur.
“Oh, sir, the human exhibits would be distressed if they saw us,” said Phineas. “They’re looped, to keep them safe.”
“What do you mean, looped?” asked Arthur.
Phineas scratched his head. “Looped. That’s when their time goes round and round, and they’re separate from everything. They just do the same things over and over again.”
“What would happen if I went up and tapped her on the shoulder?” asked Arthur.
“Oh, you couldn’t even touch her, sir,” said Phineas. He frowned then added, “Least, I couldn’t. You’re powerful, so maybe you’d bring her into our time, but that wouldn’t be good.”
“I suppose not,” said Arthur thoughtfully. He was wondering if he could make Emily fall asleep and then synchronise her with House time and take her home…except the house would still be here.
Perhaps if I just took Mum back to somewhere she knows well, Arthur thought. Even if our place has disappeared, it would be better to get her back to Earth—
“Who are you, sir?” interrupted Phineas. “Are you…are you Lord Sunday?”
“No,” said Arthur. He stood up to his full height, towering above the boy. “I am Lord Arthur, Rightful Heir to the Architect.”
“Oh,” said Phineas. “Um, am I supposed to know what that means?”
“You haven’t heard of me?” asked Arthur. “How I have defeated six of the seven treacherous Trustees of the Architect and taken their Keys of power?”
“No…” said Phineas. “I don’t really get to talk to anyone but my boss, the Second Assistant Sub-Gardener for Bed Twenty-seven. His name is Karkwhal and he doesn’t talk, not really, so I never know what’s going on, even in the rest of the Gardens, let alone the House. It’s quite good to talk, I must say. So you’re Lord Arthur?”
“Yes. Sworn enemy of Lord Sunday.”
“Oh, right.” Phineas scratched his nose. “I wonder if I’m supposed to do something – I mean, tell someone you’re here or something.”
“No,” said Arthur. “You don’t want to do that.”
“Fine by me,” said Phineas. “Well, I s’pose I’d better go back to the shed and see what else needs doing. Can I have my flaming fork back?”
“That depends,” said Arthur. “Do you know where Part Seven of the Will is?”
“Don’t think so,” said Phineas. He scratched the side of his nose again and his forehead wrinkled in deep thought. “Nope. Is it rare and valuable?”
“Yes.”
“Hmmm…could be in the Arbour…or the Gazebo…or the Elysium. Most likely the Elysium, I should think…”
“Where are these places?” asked Arthur. “Are they part of the Incomparable Gardens?”
“Yes, indeed. Not that the likes of me have been there. But I know where they are, theoretically speaking.”
“Why would the Will be in the Elysium?”
“That’s Sunday’s favourite bit,” said Phineas. “Everyone knows that. He keeps all the rarest exhibits there. The perfect place. I’d love to work there, not that I expect they have a weed problem in the Elysium—”
“Ah, the weeds,” said Arthur. “What are they exactly?”
“Oh, Nithlings of one kind or another,” said Phineas. “When Lord Sunday brings in a new exhibit, sometimes a few weeds come in with them and, if you don’t get to them quickly, they spread. Why, there was this one ship thing Lord Sunday brought in that was covered in weeds. There were lots of us on that job, and a Sub-Gardener First Class in charge. But I didn’t get to do much; they made me hang back and watch for any getting away. Only none did get away. And no one talked to me.”
“Why does Sunday collect people and living things for the Garden?” asked Arthur. He remembered that Grim Tuesday had liked to collect valuables, things that people had made, but not living creatures or plants.
“Dunno,” said Phineas. “He just does. We have to look after them carefully though – the boss is always going on about that. Weeding, for example. Can’t let a Nithling interfere with any of the exhibits.”
“Could you show me how to get to the Elysium?” asked Arthur. “Is it far away?”
