I want to tell him everything. About Judas kissing me in the grass, and the way he still haunts my thoughts even though he is surely using me to quell his loneliness. I want to tell Basil that I’m sorry, that I’ve made a mess of everything, that I’m scared.
But here beside him, insects hopping around our feet, all the worlds have gone still. This planet has stopped rotating around its sun. Everything is calm. We’re safe here. We’ll be okay.
4 (#ulink_9a38bde8-9dec-529f-9b1e-2f775bdfa073)
After dinner, I help Alice with the dishes. For security purposes, Jack Piper has dismissed most of the hotel’s staff, and chores like these are supposed to fall to his children, but Alice always gets to them first. Years of being married to my brother have left her restless and with an endless desire to make things clean.
She hands me a clean white plate, and I go over it with the dishrag. “Do you want to go back home?” I say.
She shakes her head. “I couldn’t leave your brother, and he’s told me he won’t return. Not after what the king did to your parents, and especially to you.”
“I didn’t ask you what Lex wants. I asked what you want.”
She smiles. It is a kind, wistful smile. “Should there be any difference?”
“What a thing to say. Of course there’s a difference.”
She hands me another dish. “After your brother jumped, one afternoon while he was still in the hospital, I came home to tend to the plants, and there was a letter waiting for me at the door, from my parents. I was welcome to return home if I estranged myself from Lex. But if not, they felt it best for me not to associate with them anymore.”
I suspected as much. Alice’s parents stopped coming around, and jumpers carry a stigma. With the exception of Pen and Basil, I lost virtually all my friends. Still, to hear it said out loud disgusts me. There is no one kinder than Alice, and no one who deserves kindness more.
“That’s the thing about marriage, love. You hope you won’t ever have to choose, but if there’s a choice to be made, it’s the one whose blood is in your ring. It doesn’t matter how many worlds there are; our place is with each other.”
“Lex doesn’t deserve you,” I say. “Truly.”
She smiles. “But there is nothing left for me up there,” she adds. “Since you asked. Everything I need is here.”
I don’t know that there’s much left on Internment for me either. I tell myself that my father is still alive up there, and that I’ll be reunited with him. But when that happens, will he want to leave Internment behind? He risked his life trying to do just that.
After Alice and I have finished with the dishes, I slip outside unnoticed, and I walk to the ocean’s edge, where the boats bob along lengths of rope. This place is asleep, like all of Havalais, lying in wait for a solution to this war. I lie in the sand for what feels like hours, fixated on that dark shadow of earth in the sky.
Long after the sun has set, Nim still hasn’t returned. The smallest Pipers are asleep.
I lie in bed while Pen reads one of Birdie’s catalogs by candlelight. She’s got a drawing pad resting on her knee, and she keeps returning to a sketch she started earlier this evening of Ehco, a divinity that lives in the sea and contains all the world’s sadness. It’s Birdie’s favorite story from The Text, and I suppose the drawing will be a gift for Birdie when she returns home.
“Pen?”
I can hear the rapid strokes of the pencil on the page. “Mm? Sorry, am I keeping you awake?”
“No.” I turn onto my side so I’m facing her. “It’s just that you’ve been so guarded with your secrets lately. Why did you tell me your theory about Internment sinking?”
She goes on sketching. “It wasn’t the right time before now. No sense making you panic until King Ingram was back and we could do something about it.”
“It’s just … After I told Celeste about the phosane, and she went to the king, I thought you hadn’t forgiven me. I thought I’d been locked out of your head.”
The pencil stills in her hand. She stares down at the page as she speaks, with difficulty. “I thought about everything,” she says in a soft voice. “I thought about what it would have done to me to pull you out of the water, with you the one not breathing. I …” She draws a line on the page, feebly. “I saw it all very clearly, and I understood why you did it. I can’t say I’d have done something different if the tables had been turned.”
She clears her throat. “And besides, you could strike a match and set Internment on fire. You could lose your wits and destroy it all. I’d still be here. There’s nothing in the worlds that I couldn’t forgive you for.”
The words are so sincere and candid that I’d like to get up and embrace her. But I don’t move for fear of breaking this fragile moment between us. I have known Pen since before we were old enough to speak, and perhaps that is why so much of our friendship is built on what goes unsaid. But it feels so good to hear her say those words.
“I could never turn my back on you, either,” I tell her.
“I know what I’m like, Morgan. I know it’s not easy.”
“So it’s not easy,” I say. “What is?”
She smiles briefly, and then allows herself to be distracted anew by her drawing.
I close my eyes, and eventually I feel myself fading into sleep, soothed by the sound of pencil on paper and catalog pages turning.
But it isn’t a very sound sleep, because when there’s a knock on the door, I’m startled awake.
“You girls awake?” Nim whispers through the door.
Pen is still sitting up by the candle. “Come in,” she says.
I comb my fingers through my hair and wipe away the drool in the corner of my mouth, hastily trying to make myself presentable.
Nim opens the door and peeks his head in. “I didn’t see the king. Or my father. I wasn’t permitted into any of the meetings. My father isn’t exactly happy with me these days.”
“But you were gone all day,” Pen says. “What were you doing?”
Nim smirks. “I was speaking with a few of the king’s men. You remember how I said they were unhappy with things since the harbor? One of the men is assigned to guard King Ingram’s special guest, come down from Internment. My contact is escorting the guest to a meeting spot for us, but we have to go right now.”
“Him?” I say, trying to keep myself from hoping that the guest from home could possibly be my father. The disappointment would be unbearable if I were wrong.
“I think you’ll love this,” Nim says. “Hurry on and get dressed. I’ll meet you outside.”
I’m on my feet as soon as he’s closed the door. I’m finished changing before Pen. “I have to get Basil,” I say. “He’ll want to come.”
Pen sighs theatrically. “Must you?”
I stare at her flatly. “He’s my betrothed.”
“So?”
“You said you were fine with my telling him about all this. He’s coming.”
“Fine. But if you wake Thomas, I’ll strangle you.”
“Noted.”
I turn the knob to the boys’ room very slowly, wincing as I push the door away from the frame. I tread lightly past Judas’s and Thomas’s beds.
“Basil,” I whisper, as quiet as breathing.
He murmurs something, tries to embrace me when I lean in. It’s my breathy laugh that wakes him. “Morgan?”
