And God Created the Au Pair

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Dentures a very clever deception, after all would be terrible if Gerry suspected you sometimes have sex with your husband. Much less embarrassing to have lost all your teeth by your mid-thirties.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Re: Hugh’s debut as Count Dracula

I allowed Ellie to be in charge of painting his face & slicking back his hair in Dracula-type mode. Unfortunately she was unsupervised when she did it so instead of using large pot of gel, prominently placed on basin for this exact purpose, she elected to scrabble through my bathroom cabinet until she found ancient pot of Vaseline which she used instead. Ana Frid has now washed Hugh’s hair about 1000 times (so convenient in a tin bath) but to no avail as he still looks like a v short bouncer from Stringfellow’s.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Our Hallowe’en was something of a partial success. There was trick or treating at our fancy local mall where bored and snooty shop owners stood in the doorways of their shops handing out candy, then we moved on to the houses in our neighbourhood. Called at Suzette’s but couldn’t linger as Rob traumatised by the crazed barking of her vile, jumpy, licky dogs. Suzette was in full costume, dressed as a serving wench and she told me with a trill of girlish laughter that she’s ‘crazy about Hallowe’en and the kids would be so mad at her if she didn’t dress up’ (surprising as Sophie had opened the door for us with her usual morose expression and wearing grungy jeans and a sweatshirt). This episode has proved that Suzette is much more young-at-heart than me (even my own treacherous children asked how come I didn’t dress up like Suzette). Also she is a crafty dresser because wench costume perfect for someone like her who has quite decent boobs but a really fat arse. Anyhow we soon gave up, so many people out half the houses didn’t answer and Rob wouldn’t even approach the ones where there was barking. Will have to plan more carefully next year.

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