Happy Adults

Mark, that was an excellent report. Thanks for your input. I really appreciated it.

Mum, you are a smashing grandma. You have so much patience. The kids love you to bits.

Jane, that dress looks far better on you than it ever did on me. You have it.

What a great job you did decorating the sitting room!

Praise and positive feedback cost you nothing but have a huge effect on the recipient and yourself. Praise is like a kiss to the soul: we feel warm and glow from the approval of others. Not only does it make us feel good about ourselves but we also feel good about the person who praised us. We warm to that person and unsurprisingly research has shown that we bond more quickly with those who give praise and positive feedback than with those who remain neutral – not criticizing but not saying anything positive either.

Give yourself a quiet pat on the back, too, for something you have achieved, but keep self-praise to yourself unless you say it light-heartedly:

I think I did a good job there, don’t you, lads?

Job well done!

Didn’t she do well! (referring to yourself)

Leave effusive praise of yourself to others. No one likes a big head.

5. Make friends and reach out to people. We need friends as much as we need family. Framed on a wall in my home is a piece of embroidery given to me by my grandmother. It is made up of hundreds of tiny cross-stitches and states, quite simply, ‘A Family is a Circle of Friends Who Love You’. I’ve treasured this for years; the words are so poignant and have meaning on many levels. I even used the words to start a group on the social networking site Facebook.

Even if you are a naturally shy person, when you are thinking and acting more positively you will be in a much better position to meet new people and make friends. Begin with the smile you’ve been practising; then offer a small remark (in the UK the weather is a safe bet); then, if the situation allows, follow this initial contact with conversation. Not everyone you meet will become a lasting friend, but just reaching out and making contact with others – whether it is at the bus stop, at the supermarket checkout or in the lift at work – boosts our confidence and feelings of self-worth. Even grumbling with others at a bus stop about the bus being late is positive: it releases our frustration and bonds us with others in the same situation – the ‘pack’, as social scientists call it. Humans have always lived in groups and we need that sense of belonging as much now as we did when we lived in caves and hunted as a pack.

6. Learn to say no. Don’t be a martyr. Acting positively doesn’t mean you always have to agree to all the requests that are made of you. Far from it. Although positive people reach out and interact with others easily they also know how to give a polite refusal. No one likes a martyr who glories in suffering from too much to do. Such a person makes us lesser mortals feel very uncomfortable. We need to self-regulate the responsibilities and workload we accept. I developed the art of saying no many years ago when I realized that fostering, as well as raising my own children and working part-time, did not allow me to help in fundraising activities or sit on the PTA at my children’s school or do many of the other things I was asked to do. Agree to do what you can and want to do, and politely refuse what you don’t want to do or can’t do without causing yourself stress:

I’m sorry, I really can’t continue on the Neighbourhood Watch scheme as I am heavily committed with other projects.

I’m sorry, Mary, I won’t be able to look after your children on Saturday as John and I are decorating the living room.

Bob, could you give Susie that report to type, please? I’m up to my eyes in it at present. Thanks.

If you find that in your role at home or work your stress levels are continually rising as you run to stand still, then you are over-committed and you need to have a discussion with your boss or partner. If you soldier on without saying anything others will assume you are coping. Positive people recognize their limitations and can say no.

7. Be body positive. I say more about this in Chapter Eight. But it is worth noting here that when you are thinking and acting more positively your body language should reflect this so that you present your new improved self to the world. So often our bodies get left behind after radical change: the body carries on as it used to, as it has been doing for years. Dieters who lose a lot of weight, for instance, often need lessons in deportment, to be shown how to walk gracefully. Their new, lighter, sylph-like figures are still lumbering along as they did before when they carried all the extra weight.

Stand upright, look people in the eye and walk with a lighter, slightly faster step. The message you will give out is that you are confidently ready to meet and greet life and all it has to offer. Others will subconsciously receive your positive body signals and treat you accordingly.

CHAPTER FIVE

Develop a Positive Philosophy

We all have a philosophy – a system of beliefs that guide our behaviour – although we might not realize it. As humans we are programmed to make sense of what we see, from the moment we look up from our cribs and focus on the world around us. From then on we begin to develop a philosophy to make sense of the world and our existence in it.

The word philosophy in its academic sense means the study of knowledge, reality and existence. Western philosophy dates back over 2,500 years. During our time at school most of us will have heard of the ancient Greek philosophers – Plato, Socrates, Aristotle – and the more recent philosophers – Francis Bacon, Marx and Ghandi. Philosophers develop a way of thinking and looking at the world they hope will answer age-old questions such as What is good? Do we have free will? Does God exist? What is truth? Where does infinity end? What is evil? As individuals we contemplate these questions too and develop our personal philosophy to answer them.

While our philosophy reflects what we think about the world and our place in it, in practice, in our everyday lives, it is not a written tangible formula but the attitude with which we live our lives. Our philosophy is our outlook on life, shown in the way we deal with situations (past and present, negative and positive), view the future and make decisions. And if we are to be happy and contented and live life to the full, our philosophy needs to be positive.

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