Only When I Larf

I said, ‘You’d think you were in the foyer of the Federal Courthouse instead of on the verge of doing a deal with one of the biggest Corporations in America. I’ve never known this corporation back a loser. I think you are enjoying a little worry because you know that after this deal, you’ll never look back.’

‘What made you say Federal Courthouse?’

‘No reason,’ I said.

‘I used to have the damndest nightmares about that building.’

‘Tell me,’ I looked quickly at my wrist watch.

‘I’ve never told anyone before,’ he said. ‘But when I was a kid I used to help out in my father’s shop on a Saturday. One day I stole three dollars from the till and took my kid brother to the movies. On the way back from the movies he kept threatening to tell my folks. He showed me a picture of the Federal Courthouse and he said that’s where they took kids who stole money from their parents. He said they made the kids leap from the top of the building and that if they were innocent they just floated to the ground, but if they were guilty they fell and were killed. I was just terrified. I’d wake up in the middle of the night with the feeling that I was falling. You know that feeling?’

‘They say your heart stops don’t they? They say it’s jumping like that, that starts it again.’

‘I used to wake up with a start every night for weeks. I’d have this nightmare about falling off the Federal Court building. I used to sweat. I really suffered. I learned my lesson. I never stole again, not a dime.’

Johnny came back from the cigarette machine. ‘Hadn’t we better be getting upstairs?’ he asked. He looked at both of us puzzled. ‘What have you two been talking about?’ Karl said, ‘I was just relating a dream I once had.’

‘Never do that,’ said Johnny. ‘Never relate dreams, or the stories of films you saw, it bores everyone.’

Karl smiled at me. He didn’t smile often, but when he did you could see it brewing up for quite a time. Now he opened his mouth and let it go. It was a big white smile and he held it between his teeth for a moment. It crinkled the corners of his bright eyes and he swung round to give me a profile shot. Wow, what a smile. I’ll bet that had the girls of Denver running down the road with their skirts flying.

I took them upstairs to where Silas was waiting for us. ‘Hello there Johnny, hello there Karl,’ said Silas, striding across the room and pumping their hands. He waved them into armchairs and admired the view with them. Then he produced a silver flask and some glasses. ‘Drink?’ he said. Rule four; never drink on duty. If you must, make it a soft drink, say it’s doctor’s orders. So you can imagine I was surprised when Silas poured three large ones and began drinking with scarcely a pause to say cheers.

Silas was relaxing now as the operation got under way. They sipped at the Scotch, ‘Special,’ said Silas. ‘One of the best whisky distilleries in Scotland just happens to be on an island that we own.’ Both marks sipped the whisky and Johnny, the short one, said, ‘Jumping Jehosofat, Stevie, that’s smooth.’

‘Bought it in 1959,’ said Silas. ‘Got five positive results on the mineral analysis, but so far we are not going ahead with any of them.’ He looked at the whisky. ‘Got to keep a sense of proportion, what?’

I interrupted their laughter. ‘You’ve got our Stockholm Chemical Managing Director upstairs at three o’clock Sir Stephen,’ I said.

‘Sir Stephen?’ yelled the sharp eyed one. ‘Sir Stephen? Are you a lord, Stevie?’

‘Just a baronet,’ Silas muttered. The sharp eyed mark looked back at the door panel, nudged his partner and nodded towards it. The fat mark gave an almost imperceptible nod of acknowledgment. Silas had insisted that the gold lettered door panel would be worth the money.

Silas waved away their admiration. ‘Give those away with packets of tea in England you know. All the chaps who were on Churchill’s scientific advisory board during the war got a knighthood. Goodness knows why. Stop us writing our memoirs perhaps.’

‘I don’t follow you, Sir Latimer.’

‘Sir Stephen we say. Well, you see, none of us people who were really close to Winnie, really close to him, felt it would be quite the thing to write our memoirs. When you are close to a man …’ He gave a shrug. ‘Well anyway, none of us did. Left that for the Generals and the chaps who really did the fighting, what?’

The two marks smiled at each other. ‘Anyway,’ said Silas. ‘I’ve got our chief man in Scandinavia coming through New York today. I’ve left his entertainment in the very capable hands of one of our vice presidents. A man with a little more stamina than I have.’ Silas gave them a lecherous wink and the sharp eyed mark watched me out of the corner of his eye.

‘But,’ said Silas. ‘In half an hour or so I’ll have to go up to our penthouse suite and shake his hand.’

‘We could let …’ began the fat mark, sliding his bottom around in the chair.

‘You are to stay right here,’ said Silas firmly. ‘That’s why I received you in this office instead of one of the penthouse entertainment suites upstairs, in spite of the fact that I have no ice or soda here.’

‘I’ve been in and out of this building a million times,’ said Karl, ‘and I’ve never seen no sign of a penthouse on the top floor. I thought the top floor was a radio station.’

‘We bought that in ’48,’ said Silas. ‘They were using too much space up there, so we spent a little money on the conversion. Now the penthouses have the same entrance hall as the radio station reception.’ Silas placed a finger along his nose. ‘And, as you say, there is no sign. Discreet eh? You chaps must use it sometime. Perhaps a party next week? My Vice President in charge of entertainment has some remarkable resources,’ he paused, ‘or perhaps I’m just a little old fashioned.’

I could see Silas was getting carried away so I went next door and buzzed him on the intercom.

‘It’s Mr Glover Junior, Sir Stephen, he’s flown in from Nassau on the company plane. He says it’s urgent.’

‘Get him,’ said Silas.

Bob was waiting outside. Silas’s vicuna overcoat was a little too large for him, but he wore it draped around his shoulders. He was shaved and his hair neatly parted, I’d pressed his suit to perfection and with his gold cufflinks and quiet tie he looked tough and adult and rather dishy. I hadn’t noticed that before.

‘Don’t try the stutter,’ I warned. ‘You know what happens; you forget to do it halfway through.’

‘Out of my way, princess,’ said Bob, and gave me a familiar nudge. One day Silas would catch him doing that and say that I’ve encouraged it. I’ve never encouraged it. There’s only one man in my life; Silas. I have to have the best, but Bob was rather dishy.

He opened the office door with a crash.

‘Yes?’ said Silas, not simulating his irritation.

‘Mr G …’ Bob began, overplaying his stutter very considerably. ‘Graham King sent me.’ Bob finished. Silas nodded, ‘This is Otis Glover, from the Nassau office,’ he said to the marks. ‘What is it?’ he said to Bob.

‘Mr King is worried about the nomin …’

‘Nominees,’ supplied Silas.

Bob nodded. ‘No need to worry about them,’ said Silas beaming with goodwill. ‘Here they are,’ he made an extravagant gesture toward the marks as though he had just manufactured them.

‘King is worried about them,’ said Bob. ‘He says that we don’t know them.’

‘We?’

‘Amalgamated Minerals B … Bahamas Ltd.’ said Bob. He was overdoing the stutter.

Silas introduced the marks to Bob. I find it difficult to remember them. There were so many faces that they become one composite face; credulous, boggle eyed, greedy. Silas always remembered them. Every little detail; their native towns and companies they owned, their ailments, cars and fetishes, and even their wife’s and kids’ first names.

‘Now you do know them,’ said Silas. ‘So that problem is disposed of.’

‘N … n … n … no sir,’ said Bob. ‘We’ll need more than that if they are going to be allowed to bid with two million dollars of Corporation money.’

Silas took off his half-frame glasses and motioned Bob into a chair. ‘Look Glover, these gentlemen will be with you on the company jet this afternoon …’

Bob interrupted him, ‘But I’ve been sent here to say that if the nominees invest on their own behalf there must be certain conditions.’

‘Conditions?’ said Silas. ‘These gentlemen are friends of mine. They must be allowed something for their trouble.’

‘They are getting something,’ said Bob. ‘The villa in Rock Sound is being prepared …’

‘Rock Sound is beautiful,’ said Silas to the marks, ‘that’s the finest of all the V.I.P. villas. Fishing, swimming, sun bathing; my word, how I envy you.’

Bob continued doggedly, ‘The yacht is under sailing orders and the servants have been told to prepare for two couples.’

‘But there’s only two of us,’ interrupted Johnny.

‘The night is young,’ said Silas. ‘This evening there’ll be a party in your honour, music, dancing, fine food, drink and with lots of beautiful girls.’

‘Oh,’ said the mark, and stole a self-conscious glance at me. I didn’t react.

Bob said, ‘All they have to do is to sign a couple of papers and pin our cheque to them. These nominee bids are very simple. We usually use one of our Bay Street friends.’

‘That’s for you to decide when it’s a local deal, but when New York is involved, then I choose the nominees,’ said Silas.

‘I’m just a messenger,’ said Bob. ‘Mr Graham King will be telexing you about it.’

‘Miss Grimdyke. Go and see if there’s anything on the telex from Nassau.’

I went and collected the fake message that I had typed with the machine set at local. When I brought it back Silas and Bob had finished the small quarrel that they had rehearsed. I looked around at them, pretending not to comprehend the strained silence. Silas grabbed the telex from me.

AMALGAMATED MINERALS NYC

AMALGAMIN NASSAU BAHAMAS

TO SIR STEPHEN LATIMER

FROM GRAHAM KING

MY FELLOW DIRECTORS ALL OPPOSE ANY PLAN TO USE OUTSIDE MONEY BUT I WILL AGREE IN SPITE OF THAT IF YOU WILL CONFIRM THAT YOUR ACCOUNT ALREADY HOLDS THE NOMINEES PARTICIPATION STOP GLOVER IS ON THE COMPANY JET AND WILL BE WITH YOU AT ANY MOMENT STOP VILLAS READY ARE WE TO ARRANGE SUPER FACIL PARTY TONIGHT? I WILL STAY NEAR THIS TELEPRINTER IF THERE IS ANY DIFFICULTY GLOVER WILL SPEAK ON MY BEHALF.

GRAHAM + + +

AMALGAMATED MINERALS NYC

Silas let the wire drift from his hands into those of the marks. Bob pretended to search for cigarettes and dropped a copy of a Nassau morning newspaper on the desk.

‘What I don’t understand,’ said Bob. ‘Is why we need outside money at all. Why can’t our stockholders supply the money? After all, the report said that we could expect a 78 per cent return on the investment.’

‘Ha, ha, ha,’ said Silas. The marks laughed too, although they seemed just as keen as Bob to hear the answer. Johnny, the short mark, took the Nassau newspaper and put it into his pocket.

‘A simple question, from a simple mind,’ said Silas. ‘So I’ll try to make it a simple answer.’

Johnny laughed again, but softly, so as not to miss the reply. Silas said, ‘I appreciate your loyalty to the company Glover, to say nothing of your loyalty to the shareholders, but the story leaking out would tip our hand about the new harbour site immediately. Why, I’ve never even sent a memo to our Vice-Presidents. Yesterday, you had never heard of it Glover, am I right?’

‘Y … y … y … y … you’re right.’

‘This is secret; top damned cosmic secret as we used to say in the war.’

‘Can I ask you something?’ said Johnny the mark.

‘Shoot,’ said Silas.

‘After the deal goes through, and the land that Amalgamated Minerals doesn’t need, is resold, from where will we be repaid?’

‘I know what you are thinking,’ laughed Silas. ‘Sure, take your 78 per cent profit and tuck it away in good old tax-free Bahamas. No one will know. You will have paid Amalgamated Minerals New York City some money, and then got the same amount back again as far as the US tax people are concerned. Sure, buy a small hotel with your profits and you’ll be earning steady money right there in the sun.’

‘That would be great,’ said Johnny.

‘Big companies do it all the time,’ said Silas. ‘Why shouldn’t a couple of young men like you have a break once in a while.’

The marks – who no one but Silas would have had the nerve to describe as young men – nodded their agreement. Silas poured another whisky for all of them and sipped gently. Then he excused himself for a moment and left the room.

Bob offered his cigarettes around and as he lit one for Johnny he said, ‘When did you pay in your cheque for the extra bid?’

The marks exchanged glances.

‘W … what’s going on here?’ asked Bob plaintively.

‘We haven’t paid it yet,’ said Johnny.

Silas returned. ‘They haven’t paid the money,’ complained Bob to Silas, ‘and it’s too late now, the bank will be shut in a few minutes.’

‘That’s all right,’ said Silas.

‘I’m v … v … v … very sorry sir,’ said Bob, ‘but my orders are to confirm that Amalgamin hold the extra money.’

‘It will be all right.’

‘No,’ said Bob. ‘It’s not all right.’

‘Is it dignified Glover,’ asked Silas, ‘to argue the matter in front of my guests?’

‘No,’ said Bob, ‘but nor is it dignified to ask me to r … r … r … risk my job to help your friends make a lot of money. The telex put it clearly. If I confirm that you hold the money in your account when it’s not true, it will be more than my job’s worth.’

Silas pursed his lips. ‘Perhaps you are right my boy.’ Bob pursued the thought, ‘So these gentlemen won’t be coming back with me to Nassau?’

‘There must be some way of getting over it,’ said Silas. ‘Look Glover,’ he said, being suddenly warm and reasonable, ‘suppose we see their cheque for a quarter of a million dollars, isn’t that as good as holding it?’

‘It isn’t sir.’

‘Be reasonable Glover. These are serious businessmen, they aren’t going to let us down.’

The marks made noises like men who wouldn’t let anyone down.

‘All right,’ said Bob.

‘Bravo,’ said Silas and the marks looked pleased. ‘Well that’s what we will do,’ said Silas.

Bob produced his small black notebook.

‘Another quarter million,’ repeated Silas. Bob wrote that down.

‘And the name of the nominee company that will bid?’ asked Bob.

‘The Funfunn Novelty Company,’ said Silas.

‘F … funfunn Novelty Company,’ said Bob. He sat down and laughed heartily. ‘Are you feeling O.K. sir? Why don’t you sit down for a moment and take two of your tablets.’

‘That’s enough of that Glover. Theirs is a large and prosperous concern. I’m very happy for us to be associated with them.’

‘So am I,’ said Bob still laughing, ‘but perhaps we can now … er …’ He made a motion with his hand.

‘Make out the cheque for this rather rude young man,’ Silas directed the marks as though he was their managing director. ‘And then you can put it right back into your pocket again. Just show him that the cheque exists.’

The marks didn’t hesitate. Karl produced his cheque book and the other fumbled for a pen. Silas did nothing to help them. He didn’t even offer them Winston Churchill’s pen.

‘Damned red tape,’ Silas said angrily, ‘that’s what this is. Over his shoulder he said to the marks, ‘Don’t put Inc., it may be paid into the Amalgamin Ltd. Bahamas company. Leave it Amalgamin, just Amalgamin. Pure red tape, no need for this cheque to be made out at all.’

I watched the marks: Jones and Poster. Sign in your best handwriting. Down went the nib. Kyrie. Three thousand voices split the darkness like a shaft of golden sunlight. Valkyrie; echo of hunting horns and tall flames of the pyre. The Vienna State Orchestra and Chorus responded to the stroke of Poster’s pen. Gods of Valhalla assemble in the red night sky as the cheque slid smoothly into Silas’s slim hand.

‘That looks bad,’ said Silas.

‘What does?’ said the marks, who hadn’t expected their life savings to be received with such bad grace.

‘That will mean Amalgamated Minerals bidding two million, two hundred and sixty thousand dollars,’ explained Silas. ‘It’s not a good sign that. I mean …’ he smiled, ‘it looks as though our company is scraping the very bottom of its financial resources to have an odd 10,000 on it like that.’

‘I’ll rewrite it,’ said Karl. ‘We scraped together every available dollar. That’s the whole mortgage.’

‘You can rewrite it some other time,’ said Silas. ‘Just let him see it and then put it back in your pocket.’ The mark passed it across to Bob who gave it the most perfunctory of glances and slid it back across the desk. Karl opened his wallet and was about to slide it inside when Bob said, ‘Wait a moment sir. My orders say it must be paid into the Amalgamated Minerals account. I appreciate your complete trust in your friends’ intentions, but a man holding his own cheque is no collateral by any standard of measurement, and you can’t deny it.’

‘You are a pedant Glover. That’s why you will never reach the highest echelons of international commerce, as these gentlemen already have done. But if it will satisfy you …’ Silas got up with a loud sigh and walked across to the dummy safe. He swung the picture aside. ‘The cheque can go into the safe now.’ Silas rapped the safe front with his knuckle. ‘I will send off the message saying that we hold the money. After the message has been transmitted I’ll open the safe and return the cheque to my friends. Will that satisfy you Glover?’ Silas brought a key from his waistcoat and opened the ancient little safe.

The marks were not consulted. They watched Bob anxiously. Bob bit his lip, but finally said, ‘I don’t like it.’

‘I don’t care what you like,’ said Silas. ‘No one can possibly dispute the fairness of that.’ He turned to the marks and smiled graciously. ‘Not even the Funfunn Novelty Company. They can stand guard over the safe for the five minutes it will take Miss Grimsdyke to get the message on the wire.’ Silas reached for his message pad and spoke as he wrote on it. It was all so clear and inevitable that it would have taken a strong man to change the tide of events. He passed me the pad, ‘Read that aloud Miss Grimsdyke.’ I read, ‘Arrange best super-facil party ever, stop, I hold over quarter million additional participation by nominees, stop. They arrive on company jet about five, signed Latimer.’

‘Fine,’ said Silas. ‘Now Miss Grimsdyke, if you will let me have the Amalgamated Minerals cheque for our two million dollars we can rest them both in the safe until these gentlemen leave this afternoon for Nassau.’

I opened the buff coloured folder and handed him the magnificent cheque that we had prepared. It depicted a buxom woman holding a cornucopia with Amalgamated Minerals written on it. She was scattering wheat, fruit and flowers all over our address. He took his pen off the desk. ‘See that pen,’ said Silas. ‘Winnie gave it to me, it signed the Atlantic Charter. The only souvenir dear old Winnie ever gave me. Bless him.’ He took the pen and signed the cheque with a flourish. ‘The other necessary signatures are already there,’ he said. He picked up the Funfunn cheque and our grand looking fake and gave them both to Karl. It was artistry the way Silas handled them. One was a lifetime of effort and savings and the other piece of paper quite worthless, it was artistry the way Silas reversed their values.

‘Put them both in the safe,’ he said. He gave Karl the key to the safe and turned away, and so did Bob. I was the only person who saw the marks open the safe and plonk the cheques into it. There was a half second of indecision, but Silas turning away took care of that. It was the exact moment of balance, like a crystal clear soprano or a mountain top at dawn. This was the moment you came back for again and again.

‘Now don’t leave the room,’ Silas told the marks. ‘Is the safe door firmly closed? The key turns twice.’

Karl nodded. I was still standing by the desk smelling the heady perfume that pervades a room in which a large cheque has been signed.

‘Go ahead, Miss Grimsdyke,’ prompted Silas, who knew my weakness for such moments. ‘Get along to the telex.’

‘Rona,’ said the short one – Johnny. ‘Have you got Rona?’

‘No,’ I said. ‘Rona is good.’

‘I’ll think of more,’ said Johnny.

I nodded my thanks and made for the door. Silas was screwing up his face, trying to understand why the mark had suddenly said Rona like that.

‘I’ll go with you,’ said Bob. ‘I’ll send the confirmatory telex to Mr King.’

‘Good chap,’ said Silas. When I got outside I closed the door behind me and heaved a sigh of relief. Once in the next office, Bob took off Silas’s vicuna coat and threw it across the chair. I picked it up and folded it neatly. Bob changed into the Security Guard coat. Through the wooden partition, I heard Silas laugh loudly. I walked quietly across the room to the false end of the safe. I flipped back the black velvet curtain and removed the two cheques. I looked at my watch, we were exactly on schedule. I slipped a plain gold wedding ring onto my finger.

Bob donned the Security Guard cap and gun belt, and I tucked his surplus hair up under the hatband. He snapped the wrist lock on to his arm and then tested it and the case locks too. His notebook was on the table and he pointed to each listed action as he did them. False documents cleared away, no clothing on chairs etc., wrist lock oiled working and in place. Case locks, oiled working and in place. Security uniform buttoned correctly and clean and brushed. Gunbelt on, and a correctly placed strap over right shoulder. Shoes shined. I nodded approval to Bob.

The last line read, ‘leave office floor at two fifty eight.’ As the sweep-second hand came up, I went in the hall. Bob followed.

While closing the office door I heard a voice through the partition wall, ‘But wasn’t it the craziest coincidence that we both bank downstairs in the same branch of the same bank?’

‘Well of course,’ said Silas. ‘We didn’t bank there until we heard that you did.’ They all laughed. We took the freight elevator to avoid Mick. Bob looked just great in his uniform, but he had a sudden attack of stage fright in the lift. ‘Supposing the bank won’t pass across that amount of cash? It’s a hell of a lot.’

‘Stop worrying Bob,’ I said. ‘How many times have we rehearsed it? Four times. Each time they have let us have it, and each time the cheque has gone through. They are well softened up by now. This morning I called them and said I was Funfunn’s cashier and I was issuing the cheque. We’ve done everything. They think I have some illegal racket going, but they don’t care about that, as long as the cheque goes through.’

‘But we’re going to ask them for a quarter million in cash.’

‘For some people,’ I said, ‘that’s not a lot of money. All I have to do is look like one of those people.’

‘You’re right,’ Bob said. He dried his hands on his handkerchief.

The bank was a big plate-glass place with black leather and stainless steel and bright eyed little clerks who tried to pick me up. Today they were running around watching the clock, anxious to close the doors and clear up early for the weekend.

‘You only just made it,’ the clerk said.

‘I’m sorry,’ I said. ‘But I told you on the ’phone that we’d only just make it. The traffic is very heavy today.’

‘There you go,’ said the bank clerk. ‘And I was just telling Jerry that traffic was running light this afternoon.’

‘Not the cross-town,’ I said. ‘That’s where you get trouble.’

The clerks nodded. ‘I’m Mrs Amalgamin,’ I said. ‘This guard is taking Mr Amalgamin a quarter of a million dollars in cash.’

‘He’s going to have a big weekend,’ said the clerk.

‘Nah,’ said Bob. ‘He ran out of cigarettes is all. You don’t know how these guys in exurbia live.’ I glared at him, but smiled at the clerk.

The clerk reached for the cash. ‘Hundreds?’