Tully

4

For Christmas, Robin took Tully to his father’s funeral. Mr DeMarco died on Christmas Eve.

They buried him next to Pamela DeMarco on the twenty-seventh of December. Robin introduced Tully as his girlfriend, and Tully smiled cordially. She observed a lot of grief on a bitterly cold and windy December day. She wondered how it was possible to display so much emotion in public. Robin stood still, dressed in somber black, and his face was a mask. But when he and Tully got back to his house and he smelled the camphor and saw his father’s chair, he broke down. Tully patted his back and again wondered. Robin never seemed to talk much or show much feeling about his dad’s cancer; yet, here he was, struck.

New Year’s Eve was better. Shakie, the Homecoming Queen threw a party, and everybody went. Even Julie seemed to be having a marginally good time with Tom. But it was Jennifer who held Tully at attention most of the evening, for Jennifer spent most of the evening with Jack. In fact he never left her side. Tully did not waste time looking at Jennifer’s face, knowing already what she would find there. Instead, she watched Jack to see what was in his. It was hard to tell with Jack. For one, he was drunk. And two, his face was the kind of face that would not be read easily. It seemed composed even under the glaze of alcohol. But his hands touched Jen’s shoulders and arms, touched her face and her neck. His eyes laughed with her, and so did his mouth. Bending his head down to talk to her Jack almost seemed tender to Tully. Tender- what an absurd word! Yet tenderness was what came to her mind when she saw Jack looking at Jennifer. And familiarity, too. Sort of like he knew her face well. Who can tell? Who can tell anything. Who can tell even heaven from hell. But Tully didn’t hum the familiar beloved Pink Floyd tune, not even under her breath. The small prickle of anxiety about Jennifer was suddenly too sharp for singing.

Jack is a popular football captain, thought Tully. That should tell me everything I need to know about his feelings for Jennifer. But all Tully wanted was what Jennifer wanted, and all Jennifer wanted was Jack.

They said good-bye to 1978 and greeted 1979 with champagne and kisses and ‘Auld Lang Syne.’ Robin kissed Tully, and she smiled and squeezed his arm. I don’t need to sing a song to figure out what he is feeling, she thought. She lost sight of Jennifer for a moment and then couldn’t find her again anywhere. Not her, not Jack.

5

Jennifer closed her eyes and then opened them again in a hurry. Yes, sir. He is here. Open your eyes, Jen, all you wanna do is look at him and you’re closing your eyes? What’s the matter with you?

She assumed they were driving to his house. He didn’t make it clear. Right before midnight, he whispered to her, ‘Let’s get out of here,’ and then said little else. Did Jack perhaps think they were going to Jennifer’s house? He seemed very drunk.

Okay, Jen, hold on to the wheel with both hands, steady on, now, girl, and drive. You’ll have plenty of time to look at him. Just drive now. Must be well past midnight, she thought. Did he ask me to drive him home or did I just volunteer? Does he even know where his home is? Look at him, will you just look at him. Jennifer, drive the car, steady on.

At Lakeside Drive, Jack asked her to come in. No one seemed to be home. ‘No one’s home,’ he confirmed, disappearing into the bathroom. Jennifer sat on the sofa and looked around. She was in the back room – the family room. It had been a long time since the last time she was at his house. Nearly a year, she guessed. She had always liked this room. It had a lot of pretty white-painted wicker furniture and many plants.

Jennifer looked up as Jack handed her a Coke. ‘Your favorite, right?’ he said. She wanted to tell him that no, wrong, he was her favorite, but thought that was too trite.

He sat down next to her and touched her hair. ‘Your hair feels so nice, so soft,’ he murmured. ‘You smell so good, I love the way you smell. I’ve always loved the way you smell.’

‘Always?’ she asked.

‘Always,’ Jack confirmed, moving Jen’s hair to expose her neck. She helped him, and he leaned over and kissed it, kissed her neck. Jennifer leaned into him and Jack kissed her throat all over. Jennifer wanted to keep her eyes open so she could look at him, so that she could look at him kissing her throat, but that was just impossible. As soon as his lips touched her neck, her eyes closed.

She wrapped her hand around his neck and with her other hand touched his face like a blind person. At first Jack was kissing her gently, then his kissing got more urgent; his mouth ran up her jaw and he began to kiss her lips, roughly and gently, roughly and gently. Jennifer tried to keep track of what he was doing to her, but it seemed her brain, like her eyes, closed as well. Keeping track was clearly not possible. She stopped keeping track of anything except his mouth and his big rough and gentle hands that ran all around her. Jack knelt down in front of Jennifer and unbuttoned her blouse. Putting his face between her breasts, he kissed her skin between them while his hands fumbled with the back of her bra. ‘It opens in the front,’ she said helpfully, and he unfastened her and took her breasts out; looked at them and moaned. ‘Jen, you are so beautiful, look at you, you’re unbelievable.’ He kissed her breasts under the nipples and over the nipples, sucked her nipples, sucked the skin of her breasts under and over the nipples, Jennifer moaned and moaned, her eyes permanently shut, her hands clutching his blond hair; she was just so lost.

I can’t believe I am really here with you. I can’t believe you are kissing me. I can’t believe you are kissing me. When Jennifer had dreamed of what it would be like to have Jack kiss her and touch her, when she dreamed of him and his lips every day for the past four years, this is what she dreamed it would be. Being completely lost in his lips.

Jack carried her up to his bedroom, kissing her all the while. He laid her on his bed and began unbuckling his belt. Unbuckling his belt. I am lying down on his bed. Jennifer watched him do it, but incoherently; crazed with aching, she just wanted the feel of him.

And she got him. Jen managed to wrap her hands around him, seconds before he thrust himself inside her, and her only thought was, My God, it is so big, is this what they are all like, this big?

‘Oh, you are so wet.’ He groaned. ‘You are so ready for me.’ She could only groan in response; she was here with him, under his smooth wide chest, with his big muscled arms propping him up, with all his blond hair falling into his beautiful drunk face above her. She was here with him, and her readiness just did not matter, for she had fallen so hard for him, she had been perpetually at the ready.

Jack had had a lot to drink, and it took him forever to come. They tried this and that. Jennifer even went down on him, as incredible as that was: she had never even seen one before tonight. There was a certain pleasure in that, Jennifer thought, as she rubbed him with her hands. He is my first everything. Jack went down on her; she got on top of him; he got behind her; then he got a mirror and brought it to the bed so that they could see themselves. He asked her to touch herself; then he asked her to touch him. Finally they had come full circle and he was on top of her again. It had not hurt at all for him to take her virginity from her, for she was not a virgin in the strictest sense. But now, after strenuous intercourse, Jennifer had come back to earth and began to feel some physical discomfort. Discomfort or not, however, all Jen thought of was making him last, and if he whittled her genitalia away by his thrusting, it would be worth it, to feel him above her, to be lost in space, to be lost in Jackspace.

He came, finally! collapsing on top of her in a sweaty heap and promptly falling asleep. Jennifer did not care.

Jack was wet and heavy. His hair, all matted up, clung to his head. His breathing was uneven; his legs were between her legs. I think mine are asleep, Jennifer thought. They’ve been open for so long, I must look like a frog ready for dissection. Jennifer stroked Jack’s legs with hers. She ran her fingers on his back and kissed his temple.

How long did she lie there awake? What did she think about? Nothing. Nothing, and everything. She thought about having sex with him again, she thought about him kissing her on the street and impossibly about taking her to the prom. She thought about having used no contraception, about it not even occurring to her to use any. He didn’t ask her and certainly didn’t wear any himself. She thought about being pregnant, and laughed. And then she thought, I love him. I am in love with him. I love him. This is what it feels like; this is what it’s all about. This is the only way I want to feel when I have someone above me. This is what I want to feel when I look up into someone’s face, and if I don’t feel this, I feel nothing. Everything else is an illusion. Jennifer continued to lie there stroking his back lightly with her fingertips, thinking of the years they had been friends. Remember softball, Jack? Remember Shunga Park? Before you became a football captain? You remember those days? And then she fell asleep.

Jack was still on top of her when he woke up. He quickly got off her, mumbling an apology, and then went into the bathroom. When he came out, he pulled on a pair of shorts. Sitting on the bed next to her, Jack rubbed his temples.

‘Jen, it’s six o’clock, are your parents going out of their heads?’

My parents? Me, I am going out of my head.

‘Yeah, I guess.’ Jennifer smiled at him and Jack smiled wanly back.

‘Do you think you should go?’

‘If you think I should go, I will. Otherwise I can call them.’

Jack seemed surprised. ‘You can call them? The only child and daughter of Italian parents, you can call them at six in the morning and say – say what?’

Jennifer thought for a moment. She did not want to go.

‘If you think I should go, I will,’ she repeated dully.

Jack did not reply, but he did not look at Jennifer, either.

‘Okay,’ she said, getting up out of bed, still completely naked. ‘I understand totally.’

After she got dressed, Jack, clad only in a pair of shorts, walked her to the car. His hand rested on her shoulder. ‘Listen,’ he said. It was freezing cold. ‘I apologize. I really needed and wanted to do this. I’m glad we did. I hope you understand.’

She understood. Of course. She stretched her lips into what she hoped was a smile and not a grimace, and Jack bent down and kissed her on the cheek. ‘I’ll call you,’ he said. ‘Be careful driving back.’

Jennifer drove off, and drove and drove. Instead of going home, she drove to Lawrence, drove around the Kansas University campus, drove to Eudora, drove to De Soto, where she sat in front of a barren cornfield, lost in a timeless vacuum. Then she drove to Tully’s house. Came around back and threw rocks at Tully’s window until one of the rocks hit the sleeping-at-her-desk Tully on the head.

‘Come on, you light sleeper, let me in,’ said Jennifer from below.

‘You almost killed me,’ said Tully, opening the front door. ‘Where have you been? Your mother is frantic.’

‘Okay, I’ll call her,’ said Jen. ‘After we sleep. Let’s sleep.’ Jennifer undressed to her underwear and climbed into bed.

Tully spooned Jennifer and softly said, ‘Jennifer, I know that smell. I recognize it. You smell of a guy.’

‘Tully,’ whispered Jennifer, ‘ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.’

Tully said nothing and lay there for two hours wide awake until Hedda came into the room, saying there was a half-crazed Mrs Mandolini on the phone. Jennifer talked to her mother for a few minutes and then climbed back into bed and pretended to sleep.

6

In February, Mr and Mrs Mandolini went to a parent-teacher conference and sat grimly with Jennifer’s math teacher, Mr Schmidt, while he told them about the ‘big problem’ with Jennifer and about Jennifer’s performance in school.

‘There is nothing wrong with our daughter’s work, Mr Schmidt,’ said Lynn. ‘She is under a lot of pressure,’ she continued, not giving him a chance to interrupt. ‘You know she applied to Stanford, and you’ve seen her SAT scores; it’s just too much for one teenager to take.’

Mr Schmidt was shaking his head. Tony flared up a little. ‘What? Problem, problem! Why are you trying to make some kind of a big deal out of this? I don’t get it. Is it personal?’

Mr Schmidt took a deep breath before speaking. ‘Mr and Mrs Mandolini. Lynn. Tony. I’ve known you now for the three years Jennifer’s been with us – you know how I feel about her. No, of course it’s nothing personal. The only personal thing I feel toward Jennifer is affection. However, her work and her lack of interest in her work gravely concern me.’

‘Well it doesn’t concern us,’ said Tony. Getting up, he turned to his wife. ‘Let’s go.’

‘Tony,’ said Mr Schmidt, cracking his knuckles. ‘Wait. Do you understand, that Jennifer’s math grades have slipped from a ninety-nine average last year to an eighty-two in the beginning of this year, and by the second quarter…’ he paused again, ‘well, you saw her report card, I gave her a sixty-five, because I like her and am concerned for her. However, you must know that she failed all of the tests I gave last quarter – that’s four exams, six quizzes. Failed every single one of them. Jennifer could do math while asleep standing on her head in nine feet of water. She used to correct me, for God’s sake! I’ve been a teacher for twenty years and have never known anyone to get a perfect score on their math SATs.’ He paused for breath. ‘I’m just trying to tell you, her performance is a cause for concern.’ He looked at them, sitting there with their eyes to the floor. ‘I’m sure this is not the first time you are hearing this,’ he said gently. ‘I’ve spoken to her other teachers. This is a running problem. She is not doing well.’

‘Mr Schmidt.’ Lynn looked up at him. ‘It’s Senioritis. Senioritis! Have you forgotten about being young? Young, eighteen, a cheerleader!’ She swallowed. ‘You know, we’ve done nothing all her life but push and encourage her.’ Lynn looked at her husband, who was nodding vigorously. ‘But,’ she went on, ‘this is her senior year! Let’s ease off her a little. Right, Tony? She is going to Stanford next year; let her have a good time before she has to work so hard. Right, Tony?’

‘Absolutely!’ he said.

Mr Schmidt sighed. He made one more attempt. ‘She was valedictorian of her middle school. Now, how is she going to be valedictorian of Topeka High, having failed everything?’

Tony got up. ‘You know, Mr Schmidt, we are proud of our daughter no matter what she does, and the most important thing to us is that she is happy. If she is happy not being valedictorian because of her own personal reasons, then it’s okay with us.’

‘Is her…’ Mr Schmidt began carefully, ‘is her, hmm, problem, her, hmm, withdrawal…is she having withdrawal symptoms? Like she did when she was young? Is it coming back? She is nearly mute in class.’

‘Jeeezzus!’ Tony exclaimed. ‘You’re not a doctor! You’re a math teacher.’

They did not want to talk to him anymore and left. Mr Schmidt looked after them and then went next door to Miss Keller, who taught biology, and asked her about Mr and Mrs Mandolini.

‘They don’t want to hear it, Jim. It must be really hard for them. She’s always been such an excellent student.’

‘Well, I’ll tell you this. I’ll bet we won’t be seeing them at the spring parent-teacher conference,’ said Mr Schmidt.

Tony and Lynn still had two more teachers to see, English and history, but without saying a word to each other, they just walked out of the school, got into their car, and drove home in utter silence.

‘Should we?’ asked Lynn, chain-smoking in the middle of the Sunset Court kitchen.

Tony was making himself and Lynn a drink. ‘No, absolutely not. She’ll think we’re ganging up on her. Let’s leave her alone for a while, okay?’

Two hours later, Lynn said, ‘She hasn’t come down to see us.’

‘She’s probably on the phone or listening to music. Let’s leave her alone, okay?’

At midnight, when Lynn and Tony walked past Jennifer’s bedroom on the way to bed, their daughter’s light was off and there was no music. Lynn couldn’t help herself. She knocked and quickly opened the door.

‘Mom,’ said Jennifer’s voice from the bed. ‘What’s up?’

‘Nothing, babe, nothing,’ said Lynn. ‘Sleep tight.’

The following night at dinner, Lynn said carefully, ‘Jennifer, the teachers seem to think you are not doing too well in school.’

Jennifer looked up and stared at her mother. ‘Mom,’ she said. ‘Didn’t you see my report card a week ago?’

‘Yes, honey, of course we did,’ said Tony. ‘But the teachers said you were actually doing even worse than what the grades showed. They said you really haven’t passed anything at all this quarter.’

‘That’s true, Dad. I haven’t.’

‘Honey, is anything the matter?’

‘No, Daddy, why should anything be the matter? I just didn’t have a good quarter, that’s all.’ She added, ‘I’ll do much better next report card, you’ll see.’

Lynn and Tony smiled tensely. ‘Oh, we’re glad to hear that, honey,’ said Lynn. ‘We’re so glad! We want you to do so well!’

‘I know you do, Mom. I’m sorry if I disappointed you.’

Lynn reached out her hand to Jennifer. ‘Jenny, you cannot disappoint Daddy and me,’ she said seriously. ‘We’re just concerned. We want you to be happy, that’s all.’

‘Mom, it’s my senior year. I’m having such a good time,’ replied Jennifer.

After finishing her dinner, Jennifer went to the upstairs bathroom. Locking the door, she stood there for a moment looking around, and then stepped on the scales, with her sneakers and pocket change. This was the first time Jennifer got on the scales in about three weeks, but she had eaten particularly well the last few days and felt she deserved it. She stood on them and stared at the wall for about a minute (Please please, please) before looking down to see the three-digit number on the black line. She let out a small, yelplike scream. But there it was. 102. One-oh-two. 102! Pretty soon, it won’t even be a three-digit number, she thought frantically.

Jennifer got off the scale and went into her bedroom, where she undressed, got into bed, turned off the light, and let out another scream, another stifled dark groan, and another and another. She had to turn the stereo on to drown out her crying. When her mother opened the door to say good night, Lynn said happily, ‘Jenny! Music! You’re playing music!’

Yeah, thought Jennifer. Music and the maiden. She lay there a long time before sleep came. Tully taught her to think of nothing but sheep when sleep or peace wouldn’t come, and tonight and every night Jennifer tried to do just that. But tonight Jennifer’s sheep were not going to sleep. Over and over and over, her sheep were running through a meadow and going to Stanford and becoming adults and doctors and parents. The rest of their lives seemed so close to the sheep.

Late February, Tully, Jennifer, and Julie sat in the Sunset Court kitchen.

‘Okay, what are we putting in our yearbooks, guys?’ said Julie. ‘We need to write out a will and a dream.’

‘We need a will to dream,’ said Tully.

‘Or a dream to will,’ said Jennifer.

‘Makker, Mandolini,’ said Julie. ‘Shape up. Let’s have it. The yearbook committee is not going to be waiting around for you. The deadline is March second. That’s this Friday, for your information.’

‘Oh, yeah? And who died and made you president?’ said Tully.

‘Secretary, actually,’ said Julie.

‘Well, inspire us. Let’s hear your will, Martinez,’ said Tully, doodling on her sheet of paper. ‘What are you going to leave Tom? Are you going to leave him your virginity? Or is it too late?’

Julie punched her in the arm. ‘Stop talking nonsense. Stop drawing nonsense, too. Work, work, work. How are you guys going to go to college if you can’t concentrate?’

‘My, she is bossy,’ said Jennifer.

‘I learned from the best,’ answered Julie, smiling and pointing at Jennifer, who didn’t smile back.

Tully changed the subject. ‘Where did you say your loved one was going?’ she asked Julie.

‘Brown.’

Tully smiled. ‘Yes. And you are going where? Northwestern? How many miles apart is that? A thousand? Knowing how intimate you guys are, I’m sure you’ll really miss that physical closeness you two share.’

‘Tully!’ said Julie.

Tully went to get a bag of pretzel sticks. Julie grabbed a handful. Jennifer said she wasn’t hungry.

A little later, Tully said, turning to Julie, ‘Robin asked me again if I’d consider moving in with him.’

‘He did?’ said Julie. ‘Again? That’s great.’ She saw Tully’s face, and Jennifer’s face, too. ‘Isn’t it? Isn’t it great? Isn’t it just what you want? To get out of your mother’s house?’

Jennifer and Tully stared at her, then exchanged looks. Tully nodded. ‘You know what it is, Jen,’ Tully said. ‘It’s all that great sex she’s been having with that Romeo of hers. She’s lost her mind.’

Jennifer smiled.

‘Why do you say that? It’s not fair,’ said Julie, banging the table.

‘Martinez,’ said Tully, banging the table herself in jest. ‘You haven’t listened to a word I’ve said the last two months. What are you paying attention to? Tom? The crisis in the Middle East, God help you?’

‘Tell me already!’ said Julie.

‘Julie,’ said Tully, shaking her head. ‘You know Jen and I are going to California.’

‘So don’t go,’ said Julie. ‘So stay. Robin is worth it.’

‘Worth it, huh?’ said Tully.

‘Sure,’ drawled Julie. ‘You stay, you get married, you have a couple of babies. He’ll buy you a house.’

‘Hell, why stop at a house?’ said Tully. ‘Why doesn’t he just buy me a whole life?’

‘Ask him, he’ll do it for sure.’

Tully smiled. ‘What’s wrong with you, Martinez? I don’t want to have babies, I don’t want to get married. I’ve been telling you that since I was about ten.’

‘Well, at ten maybe you didn’t want to,’ said Julie. ‘Right, Jen?’

‘Right, Jule,’ said Jennifer.

‘But you’re eighteen now.’

‘Nothing’s changed,’ said Tully.

‘I don’t believe you,’ Julie said. ‘What do you call Washburn Day Care every Thursday?’

Tully looked at Jennifer with a what-am-I-to-do-with-her look. Jennifer shrugged.