The Years of Loving You

ELLA HARPER

The Years of Loving You

Copyright

Published by Avon

An imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd

1 London Bridge Street

London SE1 9GF

www.harpercollins.co.uk

First published in Great Britain by HarperCollins 2015

Copyright © Ella Harper 2015

Ella Harper asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.

A catalogue copy of this book is available from the British Library.

This novel is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are the work of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is entirely coincidental.

All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins.

Source ISBN: 9780007581849

Ebook Edition © October 2015 ISBN: 9780007581856

Version: 2015–09–04

Dedication

This one goes to my excellent friends …

you know who you are.

Epigraph

Yours is the light by which my spirit’s born: you are my sun, my moon, and all my stars.

E.E. Cummings

Table of Contents

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Dedication

Epigraph

Now

Molly and Ed

Now

Ed

Now

Molly and Ed

Now

Molly and Ed

Now

Molly and Ed

Now

Molly and Ed

Molly and Ed

Now

Ed

Now

Ed

Now

Molly

Now

Ed

Now

Molly and Ed

Ed

Now

Molly

Now

Ed

Now

Molly and Ed

Now

Molly and Ed

Now

Molly and Ed

Now

A Conversation with Ella Harper

Acknowledgements

About the Author

By the same author

Keep Reading …

About the Publisher

Now

‘Great party,’ Sam said, shaking Ed’s hand.

‘Thanks. I actually did all this myself. I reckon Saskia is re-thinking our marriage now that she knows I’m actually a girl.’

Ed gestured to the silver and white decorations adorning the walls of their local pub. There were clusters of balloons in each corner, complete with perfectly curled ribbons, there were pretty silver swathes draped between light fittings as well as glitter-dusted white bows dotted here and there. It had taken ages to put everything up and he had almost broken his elbow falling off a bar stool earlier. But Saskia wasn’t really into any of this stuff and, for some reason, Ed had a feeling people were expecting great things. Probably because him getting married was a bit of a turn-up for the books, or whatever the expression was.

‘Blimey.’ Sam raised his eyebrows. ‘I thought you were the blokiest bloke around.’

‘Nope.’ Ed grinned, knowing Sam was probably wetting his pants on the quiet. Imagining Ed festooning balloons around a pub. Hanging bows and streamers everywhere. Emasculating and then some. ‘Seriously, Sam. I’m a bird. No two ways about it. Where’s Molly?’ he asked, before he realised Sam was on the phone.

Ed frowned. He hadn’t exactly been expecting to throw an engagement party, let alone one in the pub he usually frequented with his mates. Sometimes he went there with Saskia, but mostly it was a place Ed used for down time. He wasn’t sure they would ever see him in the same way now that they knew he was behind the bows and glitter.

Not that Ed was bothered. Saskia was happy, which meant that he was happy. He was content to watch Saskia in her element, floating around the pub in a cream silk dress that showed off her tanned legs, laughing and socialising.

Was Saskia a little drunk? Ed thought she might be. Nothing wrong with that, of course. He was a tad drunk himself.

Saskia’s parents were in tow, Ed noted. They were a distinguished-looking couple but they seemed somewhat bewildered to find themselves in a local pub, surrounded by a bunch of people they were mostly unacquainted with.

‘Saskia’s parents seem nice,’ Sam commented, covering the phone with his hand, following Ed’s line of vision.

‘Yes. They’re great, really great.’

Pressing a pint onto Sam and accepting one himself, Ed decided that he wasn’t entirely sure Saskia’s parents approved of him. They had been pleasant enough when he met them, but they hadn’t seemed exactly thrilled about the engagement. Ed wondered if it was his job – or rather, the lack of it – that was causing concern. Being a full-time writer and having the luxury of living off his friend Boyd’s shrewd investments didn’t show him in the best light, he supposed. It wasn’t how he had started out; it was simply the fortuitous way his life had unfolded. But Ed wasn’t overly inclined to sit Harrison and Margot (for those were the names of Saskia’s illustrious parents) down and explain his humble beginnings. Saskia knew some of Ed’s history, but not all of it and Ed thought that was absolutely fine. A partner didn’t need to know everything about a person, did they?

Molly disagreed on this point, Ed recalled, glancing self-consciously at Sam, the way he often did when his thoughts drifted to Molly – as if Sam could read his mind or something daft. Anyway, Molly had questioned him about this once and Ed had defensively justified himself. Molly was a person who felt that couples should be fully open with one another and she saw it as some sort of flaw on Ed’s part that he hadn’t completely opened up to Saskia, some sort of indication perhaps that they weren’t fully connected. Ed suspected that the reason Molly had such strong opinions on this matter was largely down to him. But shame was the perfect foil for candidness. There were just some aspects of life that were better left unsaid, in Ed’s opinion.

He took a look around the pub. He couldn’t deny that it was actually quite a buzz seeing all of their friends gathered together in one place, spilling out into the beer garden. In fact, he didn’t even realise he and Saskia had so many friends between them.

Strange things, weddings, Ed mused, watching Saskia almost tripping over and shrieking with laughter as one of her friends held her up. He had never imagined he would have the remotest interest in the details, or the organisation. But Saskia, who possessed many wondrous qualities, was not the most organised of people. Nor did she seem overly interested in colour schemes and venues. But she was over the moon about the wedding; Ed was certain of that. Her reaction to his impulsive proposal had confirmed that. Ed could remember it in minute detail …

‘Have you really finished the novel?’

‘I think I actually might have finished the novel.’ Ed scrolled down to the page that said ‘THE END’ in overly large letters. ‘Yes, I really have.’

‘Yay!’

Saskia jumped up and punched the air, before going behind him to drape her arms around his chest. ‘I’m so proud of you! This is wonderful. We should celebrate.’

Ed put a hand on Saskia’s waist, luxuriating in the warmth of her body, squashed against his neck and back. Saskia was a very affectionate girl. She was only twenty-eight, but she seemed more mature than her years. She was pretty, rather full-on in the bedroom and nothing much seemed to faze her. She had turned Ed’s house into a home with what he believed were called ‘feminine touches’ and he was very grateful.

Saskia leant over his shoulder. ‘So. What’s this infamous novel about? You’ve always been so vague about it.’

Ed saved his work and shut his laptop down. He had very good reasons for being vague about the content of his novel as far as Saskia was concerned.

‘It’s … it’s just about these two friends. Who keep missing their timing. Who love each other … who are maybe very much in love with each other.’

Saskia tightened her grasp around his shoulders for a second. ‘You old romantic, you,’ she teased, giving his ear a lick. ‘I do love this side of you.’

‘Do you? I rather like you licking my ear in that sultry fashion.’

‘Then more of it you shall have …’ Saskia gave a husky laugh and focused on Ed’s ear. ‘And if this gets published, you might get even more …’

Ed suddenly felt a wave of panic about the possibility of the book being published. Had he completely and utterly bared his soul to the world? Ed thought about the content and immediately felt naked and exposed. He had poured everything into this novel. There had been times when Ed had felt utterly raw during the writing of it. Reliving certain moments in history had been cathartic but also intensely challenging.

Writing a love story that wasn’t quite a love story had been poignant and then some. But writing it was just something he had had to do.

He heard Saskia murmuring something in his ear about how much she loved being with him … about her loving his house … the garden … everything about it … everything about him. Saskia wanted more. Ed knew she wanted more. And so did he. Ed wanted more. He was ready to settle down finally. And Saskia was a lovely girl. Perfect for him.

Ed wasn’t sure about the whole having children thing. Not yet, at any rate. But he could possibly see himself with Saskia long term. She was sweet, funny and loving. They got on well. They had much in common, enjoyed the same things. All of Ed’s friends thought Saskia was beautiful and sweet.

‘I’m going to get some champagne,’ Saskia announced. ‘We need to celebrate this moment. Well done,’ she said, giving him a juicy kiss.

Could he do better than Saskia, Ed wondered? In realistic terms, anyway. He had gone through a number of girlfriends over the years and none of them had captivated him the way Saskia had. She was a straightforward girl, but she appealed to Ed on so many levels. Maybe what he needed in life was someone uncomplicated. Saskia had moved in shortly after they started going out and Ed now couldn’t remember if she had asked or if he had given her a key unprompted, but it didn’t really matter. Saskia didn’t work, but she didn’t need to with all the investments Boyd had put Ed’s way. And Ed could hardly talk. He had worked so hard in the early years of his life, he had welcomed the years he had been able to focus on what he wanted to do – writing.

Saskia appeared in the doorway. She had shed all her clothes bar her underwear (Saskia did a fine line in underwear) and she was brandishing two flutes and an open bottle of champagne.

‘Let’s get drunk,’ she said.

Ed caught his breath. She really was lovely. They worked. Together, they worked. ‘Come here,’ he said.

Saskia smiled and sashayed over. Sitting on his lap, she almost dropped the flutes. ‘Ooops! We need those.’

Ed put his hands around her waist. ‘Marry me, Saskia.’

‘W-what?’ She almost dropped the glasses again.

‘Marry me.’ Ed kissed her. ‘Let’s get married.’

Saskia stared at him. ‘Do you really mean it?’

Ed panicked then pushed the feeling away. ‘I really mean it.’

‘Oh my God!’ Still clutching the champagne and flutes, Saskia put her arms around Ed’s neck and kissed him. ‘I can’t believe it. This is so unexpected!’

Ed grinned. It had been somewhat unexpected on his part as well. He had always thought he would plan such an occasion for months – plotting all the details the way he had learnt to do with novel-writing. He had always thought the event would have a beginning, a middle and an end, not be something he blurted out on a whim.

‘You’ve made me so happy,’ Saskia murmured against his ear. ‘I just want to be with you.’

Ed kissed Saskia. No. He’d done the right thing. He had finally finished his novel and he and Saskia were getting married. Everything was slotting into place. Everything was making sense. In fact, the only thing that didn’t make sense was that Ed’s next thought was that he wanted to call Molly. But this was his and Saskia’s moment. It was just that Molly was the first person Ed always thought of when something important happened …

Back in the room again, Ed bit his lip. One person was notable by their absence. Where the hell was Molly?

‘Where’s Molly?’ Ed said to Sam again, noting that he was off the phone at last. ‘She promised she’d be here.’

Sam frowned at his phone. ‘No idea. She had to pop out and do something but she didn’t say what. I’m sure she’ll be here. Congratulations, anyway,’ Sam added, tucking his phone away. ‘And I really mean that.’

Of course you mean that, Ed thought to himself. Sam was hardly his biggest fan and seeing him married off would please him no end.

He met Sam’s innocent-looking green eyes and something unspoken passed between them. Ed knew that Sam knew that he knew what Sam had done. All with the very best of intentions, no doubt, but still. What Sam had done might have changed the course of history. Maybe. Ed had no way of knowing for sure.

Saskia appeared at Ed’s elbow. ‘And this is my fiancé,’ Saskia said to one of the friends Ed hadn’t yet met. She was slurring.

‘Charmed I’m sure,’ Ed said, leaning in for kisses and pleasantries. ‘Thanks so much for coming.’ Christ, he sounded as though he was already at his wedding. He glanced at Saskia. She really was very drunk. Her cheeks were flushed, her hair was in disarray and she was clearly having trouble standing up.

‘Are you ok?’ Ed said into her ear.

‘Of course!’ Saskia patted his cheek and looked past him. ‘I’m absolutely fine.’

‘You might have had a bit too much champagne,’ Ed grinned. Even plastered, Saskia was ravishing.

Saskia smiled. ‘Maybe. I’m just having fun.’

‘Me too.’ Ed gave her a kiss. He watched her walk away from him, happy to see her enjoying herself so much.

‘I’ll give Molly a call,’ Sam said as he took his leave. ‘Chase her up. If I can’t get hold of her, I’ll probably call it a day and pop home.’

Ed nodded back, itching to get his phone out and chase Molly. Where on earth was she? It was his engagement party, for heaven’s sakes! Ed had attended Molly’s wedding and they hadn’t even been speaking to one another at the time.

‘Ed, lovely do.’ Boyd pumped Ed’s hand.

‘Thanks.’

‘Listen, we need to chat about some of our investments.’ Boyd raked a hand through his hair. ‘Sorry to do this at your party, but I’m afraid I have some bad news.’

Ed raised his eyebrows. ‘Christ, I won’t have to sell the house, will I? Saskia will never forgive me.’

Boyd shook his head gravely. ‘I don’t think it will come to that, no.’

‘I was joking, Boyd!’ Ed felt a jolt of shock. ‘Are you saying we’ve lost some serious money here?’

‘I’m afraid so.’ Boyd was joined by two of his many children. They wrapped their arms around his legs and started whining about wanting crisps. ‘As I say, apologies for the timing, but I had to warn you.’

‘Er … thanks. I guess.’

Ed felt a tremor of anxiety. The last thing he needed was for his investments to take a turn for the worse. His life was finally getting settled. He glanced over his shoulder. Where was Saskia? She seemed to have disappeared. He decided to go in search of her; he was about to make a slushy speech and she really needed to be around to hear that.

Ed headed for the toilets but couldn’t locate Saskia. About to give up, he heard a giggle coming from the kitchen area. A Saskia giggle. Hoping she was ok, Ed poked his head in. His smile faded.

Saskia was kissing one of the bar staff. With some enthusiasm. She caught sight of him and stopped.

‘Ed.’ She put a hand to her mouth.

The young bar chap looked extremely uncomfortable. ‘Shit. Sorry. I was … this is …’

‘Not what it looks?’ Ed shook his head. ‘Let’s not be silly.’ He held the door open for the boy who scuttled out, red in the face.

‘Ed, I’m sorry about that.’ Saskia swallowed.

‘About what?’ Ed was reeling. ‘About me finding you snogging someone else at our engagement party?’

‘Yes.’ Saskia looked away. ‘You make it sound terrible.’

‘Er, no, Saskia. It just is terrible. I’m not sure I could articulate it in a way that doesn’t sound horrendous.’ Ed wondered how he was holding it all together. Clearly his world had just imploded slightly. Massively.

Saskia was pleating her skirt ferociously. She had gone from flushed to pale in a short space of time and seemed to be looking at the floor with great intent. Perhaps searching for words to explain herself.

Ed wanted to rage at her. But for some reason, he couldn’t. He wanted her to tell him why he had just walked in on her kissing some other guy. Was it the first time she’d done something like this? The tenth? Had she always been unhappy? Why had she got engaged to him if she wasn’t fully committed?

No words formed.

Eventually, Saskia spoke. ‘I … Ed, I just don’t think I can do this.’

‘Do what?’ Ed stared at her.

‘This.’ Saskia swallowed. ‘This party. The engagement. The … the … wedding.’

‘You don’t think you can do the wedding?’ Ed shook his head dumbly. ‘I don’t think I can do the wedding! Not after that.’

‘No, but I was thinking that beforehand … not just … after that.’

‘Is that supposed to make me feel better?’ Ed put his hands on his face. What the hell was happening here?

‘Probably not. But I need to explain.’ Saskia was twisting her hands together and she suddenly looked absurdly young.

Ed’s stomach shifted. ‘Go ahead.’

‘It’s just all become a bit … serious,’ Saskia said, her eyes meeting his pleadingly.

‘A bit serious? Yes, I suppose weddings do feel a bit that way, don’t they?’ Ed wasn’t sure how he was supposed to deal with this.

Saskia grabbed the edge of the kitchen counter, presumably for support. ‘The whole getting married thing. I did want things to move along a bit, but I would have been happy to stay engaged, you know. For quite a while, in fact.’

Ed looked her in the eye, wanting to see the expression reflected there. All he saw was regret. ‘Meaning?’

Saskia averted her eyes. ‘This has all been fun, Ed. You and me … we have incredible fun, don’t we?’

‘Fun. Right.’

Ed was starting to feel like an absolute idiot. He had misread the situation between himself and Saskia. He had assumed that her hints to move things along meant marriage. But no. She wanted commitment in a soft form … a prolonged engagement that kept the ‘fun’ element of their relationship alive. No wonder she hadn’t been interested in the wedding itself. It was Ed who had allowed himself to get carried away with all of that. He had believed he was ready and that Saskia was the right girl.

‘So you never really wanted to get married?’

Saskia grabbed his hand. ‘Oh, Ed. Don’t put it like that. I did want to get married. Kind of. You asked me, it felt lovely, I said yes. I just didn’t realise you wanted to dash off immediately and book venues and talk about buttonholes.’

‘Gosh. What a massive idiot I am.’ Ed rubbed a hand over the back of his head, not sure how his life had just blown up in his face.

‘You’re not an idiot.’ Saskia sounded upset now. ‘I just got swept up with your enthusiasm. I did love you, Ed. I mean, I do.’

‘Do you?’ Ed turned to face her.

‘Yes. This is just …’ Saskia paused, her pretty face scrunching up. ‘It just doesn’t feel like fun any more, Ed. It feels way too serious. Too grown-up. Maybe that’s it. Maybe I’m just too immature for all this stuff.’

Ed let out a sigh. What the hell was he supposed to say to that? Saskia was very young, admittedly. Way younger than him. But that didn’t make her immature. Or it hadn’t, until now.

‘Stay, Saskia?’ Ed asked. It was the only time he was going to ask her, but he had to give it one last shot. He wasn’t sure he wanted to; she had snogged someone else after all. But he did love her. And it was only a kiss. He could get past it. Probably. ‘Stay and we can work things out.’

‘I-I can’t.’ Saskia hung her head. ‘I’m so sorry.’ She touched his arm. ‘I have to go.’

‘Go?’

‘Yes.’ Saskia looked around vaguely. ‘I need to leave. I can’t be here. This is … too much. It’s all just too much.’

Ed blinked. Was Saskia actually going to walk out of her own engagement party? Was she effectively … jilting him? Ed felt sick. He suddenly wished he hadn’t eaten so many cocktail sausages.

‘Goodbye, Ed.’

And that was that. The end of a relationship. The end of an engagement. Aghast, Ed watched Saskia walk out of the kitchen. Following her, he watched her walk right out of the pub. Her parents scurried after her, as did a couple of her closest friends.

Ed had no idea what to do. No idea whatsoever. ‘I’m so sorry, everyone,’ he said to the room at large. ‘That was – rather unexpected. I’m afraid the wedding is off.’

There was a collective gasp.

Turning to the bar, Ed rubbed a shaky hand over his face. ‘I’d like a tequila please. A large one.’

‘And I’ll have what he’s having.’ Boyd handed his children over to Helen with a mouthed apology and joined Ed at the bar. ‘Let’s get royally shit-faced.’

Ashen, Ed nodded and necked the first tequila of many. Molly. Where the hell was she? Ed needed Molly.

He made a quick call to Sara, Molly’s best friend. Sara was on her way to the party and seemed flummoxed that Molly was absent.

Ed grimly accepted another tequila. Hurry up, Molly, he thought to himself. Hurry up. I need you.

Molly sat in silence waiting to be called in. She hadn’t been kept long, but sitting in this particular waiting room was one of those occasions where time seemed to move so incredibly slowly, it was like being suspended in another realm.

Of course, there were worse things to be dealing with, Molly reasoned to herself. This wasn’t the worst thing that could happen to her. She knew friends whose children were in and out of that incredible hospital in London – Great Ormond Street, was it? Children with over-sized, inoperable tumours and unusual illnesses that meant regular resuscitation and any number of other complications. Molly also had friends whose parents, both of them, were suffering from cancer or something equally hideous.