Titter Ye Not!

Copyright

HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd.

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A Grafton Original 1992

Copyright © William Hall 1992

William Hall asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work

The Acknowledgements constitute an extension of this copyright page

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Source ISBN: 9780586217733

Ebook Edition © SEPTEMBER 2016 ISBN: 9780008219413

Version: 2016-09-08

Dedication

For Jeannie, Will, Juliette and Lena

with my gratitude for their inspiration,

support, and their patience.

Epigraph

‘A comedian need not necessarily be a humorous person. Indeed those who have been most successful in exciting laughter have often been men with a disposition towards melancholy.’

DOCTOR SAMUEL JOHNSON (1709–1784)

‘Oh titter ye not. No, listen. Lis-sen! Everyone is being very tittersome tonight.’ FRANKIE HOWERD (1917–1992)

Contents

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Dedication

Epigraph

Foreword by Peter Rogers

Preface

1 Early Days

2 Early Signs

3 Basic Training

4 On the Road

5 Radio Waves

6 Sunny Interlude

7 The Spice of Life

8 The Other Women …

9 Ups and Downs

10 … And The Other Men

11 Carry On

12 Bottoms Up!

13 In The Wars

14 Fond Farewell

Epilogue

Filmography

Acknowledgements

About the Author

About the Publisher

Foreword

by Peter Rogers

It is easy to make unkind remarks about people. The very thought of them sometimes inspires bitchery that could rival Oscar Wilde or Noel Coward. But when it comes to saying kind things you find yourself at a loss for words, new words, words that haven’t been said before.

That is how I think of Frankie Howerd, how everybody I know thinks of him. What can you say about such a person? It was impossible not to like him. It wasn’t that magic ingredient misnamed Charm, the sort of thing usually associated with motorcar salesmen. Charm in Frankie would have been suspect. In fact, you could almost say that he was so completely lacking in charm that he actually charmed you. He grew on you, like friendly moss. You could never tire of his company because he was never aggressive or pushy. He didn’t talk about himself all the time as other actors do. He was a patient listener and always gave you the impression that he was interested in you and what you had to say. He made you feel wanted, possibly because that was how he felt himself. He, too, wanted to be wanted.

Professionally, he was a Master. He was the original Deliberate Mistake. No pause or hesitation in his act was unrehearsed or not carefully considered, and he had that gift of making you feel embarrassed for him as he walked up and down the stage looking as though he didn’t know what to say next. But he knew exactly what he was going to say next and exactly when. It was a very cunningly contrived ruse and quite original. And it worked every time. It was the most successful con trick of all time and every time it came off you admired the perpetrator more.

The most heartening and heart-breaking of Frankie’s appearances was the occasion when he appeared before the Oxford Union. It did your heart good to see the old trouper playing with such a young and critical audience and holding them in the palm of his hand. They loved him and he could do what he liked with them. I think that on this occasion if he had just stood on the stage saying nothing they would have loved him still because that’s what he was – someone to love.

In my own experience I know that I always looked forward to the day when Frankie was due on the set at Pinewood. I enjoyed watching him perform and I enjoyed meeting and sitting with him off-set. He never asked you what you thought of his performance, not because he wasn’t interested but, as was so natural to the man, he did not like to ask. To him such a thing was bad manners. And if you did praise his performance he would simply say: ‘You think so? Oh, good.’ It wasn’t said dismissively. He cherished your opinion, but didn’t want to be effusive. To him that would have appeared insincere.

It is a pity to have to talk about Frankie in the past tense. When I heard the news of his death I swore, as you would swear if you dropped your ice cream on your foot. That doesn’t mean to say that Frankie was no more important than a blob of ice cream. It means that his death was unnecessary. It seemed all wrong, a mistake, and I almost expected to hear that it was untrue, a rumour. Sadly, it was true and always will be. And that is the greatest pity of all. That dear amicable man is not here now and we notice the loss because he was so rare.

Preface

His letter came out of the blue.

It landed on my desk on a breezy March morning in 1966 as I stood by the window of the London Evening News looking down on the bright yellow vans parked the length of Tudor Street, just another envelope in the batch of morning mail.

Except that this one was different.

The address was badly typed, and unevenly spaced. But inside was an unsolicited letter from a comic I had found side-achingly funny, even when I wasn’t all that sure exactly why. Frankie Howerd had always made me laugh, usually in fits and starts and abrupt bellows rather than prolonged mirth. He had that quality of surprise that kept you on tenterhooks for the next line even as he jollied you along on some impossible foray into his own misadventures.

I had reviewed The Great St Trinian’s Train Robbery for the paper, and liked what I saw of Frankie amid the flying gymslips and stocking-tops of the little horrors of Ronald Searle’s warped imagination. The letter of thanks that he sent me was a reflection of the man who wrote it, with an appealing honesty, a heartwarming naïvety of sorts, to which you couldn’t help but respond.

We met numerous times after that, usually in his dressing-room after a first night with the congratulations flowing, but also in his London homes. And amid the uncertainty and self-doubt that plagued him, just as it does every great comedian, you could sense the warmth of someone who needed to be wanted – or was it the other way around?

It was this warmth that came through and touched the hearts as well as the funny-bones of millions, capturing a whole new generation of young people in his later years. It made Frankie’s, passing all the sadder when it happened.

But this book is mainly about the fun times, the ludicrous moments, the paradox of a man who brought laughter to millions yet too often for his own good was a soul in torment.

A complex, fascinating figure whose like we will never see again. I hope you enjoy meeting him.

WILLIAM HALL

London, August 1992

1

Early Days

The first memory Frankie Howerd could ever recall was falling downstairs as a toddler and landing on his head, thus uttering the first ‘Oooh … aaah!’ of the many that in later life would bring laughter to millions the world over.

He was almost two years old at the time, and it happened in the terraced house at No. 53, Hartoft Street, York, close to the City Hospital where he was born on 6 March 1917. It was young Frankie’s first bruising encounter with a world that would batter his emotions and his ego, turn him into a hypochondriac – yet provide the basis for a humour that in its own uniqueness will never be equalled.

At the start, who would ever have guessed it? His father Frank Howard – Frankie later changed the spelling – was a soldier, Private No. 6759 in the 1st Royal Dragoons, while his mother Edith worked in the Rowntree chocolate factory in the city.

Edith was petite, slim, with black curly hair that hinted at her Celtic background – she had a strict Scots Presbyterian upbringing – and possessed an appealing, almost soulful look that her eldest son would inherit and eventually exploit to its fullest advantage.

The portents were intriguing. Plotting his chart, Royal astrologer Penny Thornton would find that this particular Pisces with its Moon rising in Leo, a pronounced Jupiter, and Uranus and Mars in an opposing position to the Sun would all mean … that Francis was in for a rough old time.

‘He would be a born actor, sentimental, moody, volatile, quirky and acerbic. And predisposed to a certain irreverence and rebellion against authority,’ she asserted. All of which would prove to be spot on.

But at that point all he had was a headache. It was six months after the tumble that Francis Alick Howard, a lusty infant with a strong pair of lungs, was taken south with the family when his father was transferred to the Royal Artillery, promoted to sergeant, and posted to Woolwich. The family moved into a house at No. 19, Arbroath Road, Eltham, a terraced street in the poorer part of the area, much of it long since pulled down to make way for a housing estate on that faceless fringe of South London.

But in those days there was space, and plenty of it. Green fields, trees, hedgerows abundant with wild life, and a view that stretched away towards the Weald of Kent. The house had a large garden with a lot of lawn, and young Frankie grew up amid the greenery, playing happily for hours in the grass, inventing jungle games and becoming adept at climbing trees. Those early days would leave their mark on him, creating a fondness for the countryside that never left him.

Who else do you know who regularly rehearses his lines in front of a cud-chewing audience of cows? Frankie would go on to do just that, and describe them as highly appreciative of his talents.

But for now he was a chubby child with fair hair like his dad – Tennyson might have been writing about him when he penned: ‘Shine out, little head, sunning o’er with golden curls …’

Money was scarce in those early days after World War I, and the family were poor without being destitute. Sergeant Howard was based six miles away in the Woolwich Barracks, headquarters of the Royal Artillery alongside the imposing Royal Arsenal, founded by Henry VII, that took up a mile of choice Thames skyline on the south bank. Even though he would arrive home most weekends with the weekly pay packet, it was left to Edith to feed three mouths as well as her own – Frankie’s younger brother Sidney had come along, and a year after that his sister Betty was born. Frankie himself, who remained a bachelor all his life, always said he had a church named after him at his own christening: ‘York Spinster!’

Growing up into a tall and gangling lad, he saw relatively little of his father, and even less when Sergeant Howard was invalided out of the Royal Artillery and transferred to the Education Corps to supervise the academic training of young soldiers around the country.

His father was diagnosed as having a hole in his lung – brought on, like so many of his comrades, by the dreaded gas swirling around the trenches of Passchendaele in Belgium – another statistic of the War to End All Wars.

Frankie and his dad were never close, whereas he was his mum’s darling, and remained so until her death in 1962 at the age of sixty-nine. In fact, his father’s prolonged absences created a palpable tension in the family whenever Sergeant Howard reappeared out of the blue for a few days’ leave, and the barrier between him and his young son became insurmountable. ‘I positively resented his intrusion,’ Frankie would reveal later.

On one memorable occasion his parents did take him on a rare family night out – into the smoky interior of the local working men’s club, where little Francis, aged four, was given his first stab at fame: to go on stage, sing a song, and come away with a bag of sweets as a prize.

Frankie’s reaction? ‘I howled the place down. I was absolutely petrified, and struggled and screamed blue bloody murder to get off. But I still got the bag of sweets!’ He could have had no idea then, but it was the shape of things to come.

Stage fright would stalk Frankie for the whole of his career, often leaving him quivering in the wings or in his dressing-room, numb with terror, steeling himself to walk out and face the public gaze.

Growing up amid the rural Nine Fields of Eltham – a village, incidentally, that spawned another comic son in the shape of Bob Hope – young Francis found himself increasingly retreating into a solitary world of dreams and fantasy. He would go for long walks alone, creating his own scenarios like any imaginative young boy – but with a difference. His dreams took him out in front of applauding masses, bestriding the stage like a colossus, master of the theatrical manor and all he surveyed. At the age of ten he was even practising how to sign his autograph.

The Howard children went to the local Gordon Elementary School, named after the hero of Khartoum, where Frankie proved a model pupil, anxious to please. So much so that on his first summer holiday when the school was set a mathematics task of three hundred sums to solve over the long nine weeks off, studious Francis was the only pupil to struggle through the lot. Mathematics was his best subject, geography his worst.

His mother’s Presbyterian background ensured that her eldest son was enrolled for Sunday School almost as soon as he was tall enough to reach the door handle of the church hall at nearby St Barnabas.

Frankie found himself instinctively drawn into this friendly, dedicated new family with all the security it represented. It was his first taste of religion and he became addicted to it.

In next to no time he had eagerly signed on for the Band of Hope and the Society for the Propagation of the Gospel. Plus the local Cub Scouts, even though the weekly vow of ‘Akela, we promise to do our best’ made little impression on him – Frankie was, and remained, hopeless in anything of a practical nature.

Eagerly, Frankie would look forward to the Sunday School annual treat, a church outing to Herne Bay. The family were too poor to afford proper holidays, apart from a single week in Brighton for Mum and the three children when school packed up for the summer.

Edith Howard did her best with precious little in the kitty and Frankie could recall a magical evening when he was first taken to the pantomime: Boxing Day 1925, aged seven, to ‘oooh’ and ‘aaah’ at the romantic tribulations of another dreamer, Cinderella no less, at the Royal Artillery Theatre, Woolwich. His mum took her brood along on the bus to join the Boxing Night throng for the cheap seats in the gallery. They queued for two hours for the 8.00 p.m. performance – but Frankie, cheering Nora Delaney as Prince Charming and booing the Ugly Sisters for all his little lungs were worth, treasured the memory all his life.

Thirty years later he would step on to that same stage for his own show, and be surprised at how small it was. At the age of seven, it looked huge.

‘I was hypnotized by the fairyland magic, a world in which everything was beautiful and glamorous,’ he would recall. ‘It was an exciting, glittering, over-the-rainbow world, and I wanted to become a part of it.’

The Boxing Night panto became a treasured annual date in the Howard diary. At home, Edith Howard encouraged her young son to create his own tiny wonderland in the front room: a tea tray for a stage, rags on sticks as makeshift curtains, actors cut out from cartoon drawings and pasted on cardboard so that they could stand up. Then Frankie would invent his own stories, shifting them around the stage as he talked his way through their adventures for hours on end.

He never tired of it, and at weekends after Sunday lunch he would put on special performances for his mother, brother and small sister.

Now Frankie’s mother was forced to go out and do charring for wealthy families on the ‘other’ side of town to make up the money to support her own family. She scrubbed floors, washed dishes, cleaned rooms for a few precious pounds. But the kids never went hungry or found themselves without clean clothes. The pride of a working-class mum saw to that.

By coincidence, it was at this time that the eager-beaver young Francis decided to embark on his first commercial venture to make himself a spot of pocket money. He persuaded the little girl next door, a winsome moppet named Ivy Smith, to help him mount a concert party – and charge admission.

Their stage was the end of the garden, with the fence as backcloth. The time was Saturday afternoon. The audience – asked to fork out a farthing for the privilege – were the local neighbourhood kids. And the wardrobe belonged to Frankie’s mother and Ivy’s parents, who knew nothing about it. Draped in clothes several sizes too big, the pair paraded around giving full rein to the imagination of their youthful entrepreneur-producer.

Until Mum finally appeared on the scene, took one look at her clothes being dragged across the grass, and demanded: ‘What’s going on here?’

Frankie proudly informed her that he was giving a concert – and, what’s more, making money out of it. The reply was a sound cuff around his head, and a stern lecture from his mother along the lines of daylight robbery, ending with the order: ‘Give it all back – now!’

A chastened Francis surrendered his profits and, rubbing his head, reflected that show business had its pitfalls after all.

Scholastically, Frankie Howard was nobody’s fool. At the age of eleven he sat for the entrance examination to Woolwich County School for Boys, later to become Shooters Hill Grammar School – and won a scholarship there. He was awarded one of only two London County Council Scholarships that were on offer.

On 1 May 1928 he duly donned a smart uniform of blue blazer, grey trousers and black tie with gold stripes, and set off across the fields for the daily 45-minute slog to a brand new school. Young Francis Howard walked into the new building in Red Lion Lane with four hundred other children of varying ages and abilities, sharing the tummy-butterflies and usual mixture of anticipation and trepidation on the first day of any term. Frankie, trudging along the footpaths that morning, was in a blue funk at the prospect of being in an alien class – socially as well as academically.

Shooters Hill Grammar was a mixed fee-paying school that drew its pupils from a wide circle of well-to-do middle-class families embracing Greenwich, Blackheath and south as far as Bromley. Today it has changed its name to Eaglesfield, and with 1,500 pupils is the largest secondary modern boys’ school in southern England. But in those days, as a scholarship boy Francis stood out in a smaller crowd, or felt he did, and the knowledge did nothing to help his innate shyness and over-sensitivity.

But he was tall for his age, though thin as a rake, athletic, and proved good at sport. In a school where cold baths and cricket counted for everything, sporting prowess was the green light to popularity, and soon he was accepted by the others and indeed became a leader on the field of human conflict where willow meets leather.

Even at that age, he had a long reach and large hands, and became a demon bowler for his team.

A slight hiccup came in his first summer term when he was smitten with a young girl in his class, and made the mistake of writing her a love letter, which he tentatively passed to her under the desk. ‘Her name was Sheila, and I had a huge crush on her.’ Such is calf love – but some cad got hold of the precious missive, and next day it appeared pinned up on the school notice board for all the world to see. ‘Oh, the shame of it!’ Frankie would wail later, still squirming at the memory of the hoots of derision before he elbowed his way through the crowd and tore it down. But he got his own back the following Saturday by taking six wickets in six balls, and was hoisted shoulder high by his team-mates to be carried off the field in triumph.

Working hard and playing hard, Frankie’s schooldays were days he could look back on with pleasure and not a little nostalgia. He joined the school dramatic society, and immediately made his mark as a leading light on the boards. He even turned his hand to writing short plays, and submitted Lord Halliday’s Birthday Party for a school concert. But the headmaster, Mr Rupert Affleck MA, studied the hour-long script and found that his tastes and those of his thespian pupil didn’t quite tally.

He banned it.

Undeterred, Frankie was in every show that came along, eventually earning himself the nickname ‘The Actor’, a flag he waved with enormous pride. If those childish plays improvised at the bottom of his garden were the seeds of what lay ahead, the school concerts were the first flowerings which suggested that perhaps his destiny lay in the theatre after all. Instinctively he felt drawn to things artistic.

He also contributed to the school’s annual magazine. The Ship was an impressive piece of work, a bound volume of more than one hundred pages detailing the exploits of the boys and girls – and, most important, of their prowess on the sporting field of battle. Reports of house matches between Brodie, Briggs, Leather, Clark and Platt – named after the housemasters who ran them – took up many pages.

But so did the pupils’ own efforts, and no second guess needed for who set out a page of jokes under the headline Howlers in the 1932 issue … They were typical schoolboy humour, as bad as any you will find in any school magazine anywhere – but in Frankie’s case, an early taste of things to come.

Sample: Ali Baba means being somewhere else when the crime was committed. (Think about it.)

Poll tax is a tax on parrots.

People go around Venice in gorgonzolas.

A senator is half-man and half-horse.

They don’t write scripts like that now – or maybe they do.

Shortly after this minor triumph, a school health check was less successful. On Frankie’s medical card of 25 October 1932 appeared two rather ominous words: ‘Back stoop.’ It was the first sign in his teens of a condition that would plague him on and off for the rest of his days.

Meantime, something else that would become a lifetime’s odyssey – and eventually a soul-searching dilemma – took over in a big way. Every night the young Francis faithfully went down on his knees by his bedside and said his prayers. He kept a Bible by his bedside, and read it last thing at night before switching the light out.