Baby It's Cold Outside
I felt sick. Jamie hadn’t said a word. Tansy was staring at him, holding her wine glass but not drinking.
‘Just so we’re all sure,’ I said, my voice a bit louder than it needed to be. ‘Just so we all know exactly what’s going on here. You have turned up at my mum’s house, one week before my wedding, to tell my fiancé that he has a son? Is that it? Are there any more secrets you want to reveal, or are you going to wait until the reception?’
Tansy put her wine glass down and stood up. She was wearing a grey jumper dress and boots and she was taller than me. She took a step towards Jamie, then stopped.
‘Jamie,’ she said. ‘Honey.’
I flinched at the endearment.
‘Jamie,’ she said again. ‘I know this is difficult. If you can just let me explain.’
He looked her straight in the eye.
‘Oh you’re going to explain,’ he said. I’d never heard him quite so angry. Well, maybe once, but I didn’t like thinking about that time. ‘Talk.’
Tansy sat down again while Jamie leaned against the fireplace like a disapproving Victorian father. I sat down on the sofa opposite Tansy.
‘I don’t know where to start,’ she said, picking up her wine again.
‘Well how about,’ Jamie said, ‘you start at the beginning and you carry on until the part where you arrive on my doorstep with a kid?’
His voice was very calm, but I could tell he was very close to exploding. Tansy obviously knew it too. She took a breath.
‘Things were pretty bad between us at the end, remember?’ she said. Jamie nodded, grim-faced.
‘You were talking about coming back to the UK, and I thought there was more to do in Africa…’ She looked into her almost-full wine glass, then back up at Jamie. ‘I said some horrible things to you.’
‘I can help people here, too,’ Jamie said.
Tansy nodded.
‘I know that now,’ she said. ‘I was a bit worthy back then.’
The ghost of a smile crossed Jamie’s lips.
‘You mean you were wrong,’ he said.
Tansy gave him a look that was verging on disdainful.
‘The day before you left,’ she said. ‘Remember how awful it was?’
‘Kids died all the time,’ Jamie said, turning to me. His eyes were distant as he remembered. ‘You never got used to it, but we lived with it. We got on with helping the ones we could help. But that day was rough. There was a lot of malaria about and it seemed all the kids nearby were suffering. We had a queue outside the centre, we were letting in as many patients as we could but we had kids sharing beds. It was heartbreaking…’
Tansy shifted on the sofa and stroked her little boy’s hair. Her eyes were full of tears.
‘That day, so many died,’ Jamie went on. ‘So many. And all I could hear was the women crying, wailing, for their lost children.’ He shook his head. ‘But the kids never cried. They just lay there, so weak, looking up at us. Trusting us to make them better. And we couldn’t.’ He swallowed. I was close to tears too but I didn’t want to interrupt his story.
‘I was upset,’ Tansy said. ‘Jamie and I hadn’t been intimate for weeks, months maybe. But that night, I just wanted to be close to someone. To feel…’
‘Yeah, okay,’ I said. I really didn’t need to hear the details of MY Jamie’s make-up sex with this woman. ‘I get the idea.’
Tansy turned her attention to Jamie.
‘And then, when I woke up, you were packing,’ she said. ‘And we fought again. And then you left.’
Jamie shrugged.
‘It was the right thing to do,’ he said. ‘If I’d stayed we’d have been in a never-ending cycle of making up and breaking up.’
‘You’re right,’ Tansy said. ‘You’re right. And then I got sick. Really sick. I had malaria too. First they took me to hospital in Mombasa – then, when I was strong enough, I flew home.’ She paused. ‘I don’t remember much about it.’
Jamie didn’t speak. Tansy twirled her wine glass in her hand. I willed her to drink some more so I could legitimately top up her glass – and mine – but she didn’t.
‘When I’d been home a few days the doctor told me I was pregnant,’ she said. ‘I was shocked at first, but it was knowing that I had a reason to recover that got me through.’
I thought about saying something, then Jamie gave me a warning glance and I thought better of it.
‘I was a mess, Jamie,’ Tansy said. ‘I was weak and depressed, and I didn’t know what to do. By the time I’d got it all clear in my head, Parker was born. Then there was baby stuff, and work…’
‘Work?’ Jamie prompted.
‘At the hospital in Boston,’ she said. ‘And one day a week at a mobile clinic working with pregnant women in the suburbs.’
‘You’re helping people at home,’ Jamie said.
She nodded.
‘So there was never a good time to tell you.’
‘Why now?’ I said. ‘Why are you here? Now?’
Tansy looked at her son again. Her son. I still couldn’t think of him as Jamie’s.
‘Parker got sick,’ she began. The hostility I’d been feeling towards her since she arrived finally spilled over.
‘Oh well isn’t that awful,’ I said, my voice laced with possibly unforgivable sarcasm. ‘So what is it you want from Jamie? A few pints of blood? A smattering of bone marrow? A kidney?’
Tansy flinched as I hissed at her. Then she looked at Jamie again, calmly ignoring my outburst.
‘He’s fine,’ she said. ‘It’s all under control. He’s got …’ she named an illness that I’d never heard of, but Jamie nodded.
‘Is it serious?’ I asked.
Tansy made a so-so gesture with her hand. ‘Could have been,’ she said. ‘It affects his digestion so when he first got sick he got really thin and he had no energy. It was awful. He was disappearing in front of my eyes. He’ll never be cured but we keep an eye on his diet, and there are pills he can have if it gets bad. Sometimes he has to go into hospital if he has a really bad attack but that’s not happened for a while.’
Jamie looked thoughtful.
‘It’s hereditary, right?’
‘Can be,’ Tansy said. ‘I’ve been tested and I don’t have it, so it could be you.’
Jamie shook his head, as though he couldn’t quite believe what he was hearing. I didn’t blame him.
‘And of course this affects you too,’ Tansy said, looking at me again. ‘I heard you were getting married and I wanted to warn you that any kids you have could have it too.’
I stared at her. This was too much to take in.
‘I was going to email you,’ Tansy went on. ‘But Mom went mad. She said I had to do it face to face.’
‘She sounds like a very sensible woman, your mother,’ Mum said, from the doorway.
We all jumped and I wondered how long she’d been there.
‘Sorry to interrupt,’ she said. ‘The weather is terrible, Tansy. Do you have somewhere to go?’
Tansy shook her head.
‘We’re booked into a hotel in Edinburgh,’ she said. ‘I guess we’ll not get back there tonight?’
Mum chuckled.
‘Even without the snow you wouldn’t make it back to Edinburgh at this time of night. I think you and Parker will have to stay the night.’
Tansy looked as though she was going to object, then she glanced at her son, curled up peacefully next to her and smiled at Mum.
‘That’s so kind of you,’ she said, politely.
‘I’ve made up the spare room,’ Mum said. ‘I think it’s time we all went to bed, don’t you?’
Jamie and I looked at each other. He raised an eyebrow and I shrugged. We didn’t have a spare room. Apparently, though, that wasn’t a problem. Just as the table had grown to accommodate Eva and Allan, so the house had expanded to fit Tansy and Parker. I guessed that meant they were welcome in our home and the idea made my heart sink a little bit.
‘I’m exhausted,’ I said, standing up. ‘Let’s talk more tomorrow.’
‘I’ll be up in a bit,’ Jamie said, giving me a kiss.
I looked at Tansy.
‘It was nice to meet you,’ I lied. Then I fled.
Chapter 3
I scuttled up the stairs, wanting nothing more than to get into bed, pull the duvet over my head and shut out all thoughts of Tansy and Parker and inherited diseases. My mind was racing. What did Tansy’s arrival mean for Jamie? And me? What about the wedding? Our future? I needed to sleep on it and see if it all made more sense in the morning.
On the landing I paused. The door opposite me was the airing cupboard and next to that, where normally there was a blank wall, was another identical door. This had to be the mysterious spare room. Cautiously, I turned the handle and peered round the door. It was a spare room all right. It was small, with two single beds, each covered in a rainbow-striped crocheted blanket – Suky’s handiwork I assumed. She loved to crochet and had whiled away her hours of cancer treatment creating blankets like these. There was one in just about every room in the house and they were perfect for snuggling up under on cold winter nights like tonight, especially as the ramshackle house was never very warm. Tansy and Parker would be glad of those blankets, I thought.
In between the beds was a small chest of drawers and on top of that was a lamp that was bathing the room in a warm, orange glow. One of Allan’s prints was on the wall and the whole room looked cosy and welcoming. I frowned. I didn’t want Tansy getting too comfortable.
Hearing soft voices from down the hall, I closed the door again and went to Harry’s room. I knocked gently.
‘H,’ I whispered. ‘Are you awake?’
‘Come in,’ Harry called. I slunk round the door and grinned at her sheepishly.
‘Got time for a chat?’ I asked.
Harry, who was in bed, rolled her eyes but she leaned forward and patted the end of the duvet anyway.
‘Come on then,’ she said, like she was talking to Mum’s old grumpy cat Bella. ‘Come and sit down.’
I made myself comfy on the end of the bed, pulling Harry’s crocheted blanket over my legs and leaning back against the iron bedstead.
Harry and Lou were sitting up, looking at me expectantly. Harry was wearing cute silky pyjamas in a dark grey that suited her swarthy colouring and looked more glamorous in her nightwear than I did on a night out. Louise was wearing Harry’s old Harvard University T-shirt.
I pushed aside the papers Harry had been frowning at when I came in the room – she never stopped working. Louise had been reading a leaflet, which she’d pushed under her pillow as I entered. Now she smiled at me.
‘What’s going on?’ she asked, her pretty face concerned. ‘Is Jamie okay?’
She and Jamie were old friends from their university days and they shared an easy affection that I’d once been very jealous of. Now though, I had bigger things to worry about.
‘He’s a bit floored, I think,’ I said. Harry squeezed my hand sympathetically.
‘Not surprised,’ she said. ‘Is the wee boy definitely his?’
‘Looks like it,’ I said. ‘I don’t see why she’d lie.’
Louise looked serious.
‘You’d be amazed what people will do,’ she said. She knew what she was talking about. Her job as a DI in the Edinburgh police CID brought her into contact with all sorts of unsavoury characters.
I grimaced.
‘I know,’ I said. ‘But she seems genuine.’
‘So why is she here?’ Harry asked. ‘Is she still here?’
I nodded.
‘The snow’s too bad for her to go now,’ I said. ‘And that’s another reason I think she’s genuine. She’s staying in the spare room.’
‘Ohhhh,’ said Harry.
Lou looked bewildered.
‘What?’ she said. ‘What have I missed?’
Harry nudged her affectionately.
‘I forget you’re an outsider,’ she said. ‘We don’t have a spare room here, do we? Think about it.’
‘We’re in here,’ Louise said, counting on her fingers. ‘Ez and Jamie are next door, Tess is down the hall and Suky’s in the attic room.’
She looked from Harry to me in confusion.
‘So where’s the spare room?’
‘It’s next to the airing cupboard,’ I said. ‘It’s nice. The house has obviously made its mind up.’
‘Sometimes, if we need an extra room – and the house thinks we deserve it – one appears. Just for as long as we need it for,’ Harry said.
‘And does this happen often?’ Louise said.
‘I only remember it happening once before,’ Harry said. ‘When we had a huge family get together one Halloween. Remember Ez?’I shuddered. I remembered it well. It was back in the days when I was trying to shrug off witchcraft and anything related to it – including my family – and I’d not lasted long at the party.
‘And once, when I was little – Ez you were tiny so you probably won’t remember – a friend of Gran’s came to stay. The house didn’t make an extra room for her. I don’t know why.’
Louise shook her head.
‘Just when I think I’m getting the hang of this stuff,’ she said, smiling. Then she looked at me, her expression more serious. ‘But what about you?’ she said. ‘What do you think about all this?’
‘Don’t be nice,’ I said, looking up at the ceiling and blinking furiously. ‘Don’t be nice or I will cry.’
Harry patted my leg through the crocheted blanket.
‘Come on fatso,’ she said. ‘Tell us what’s going on in that ugly head of yours.’
It was my turn to shake my head.
‘I have no idea what to think,’ I wailed. ‘This Tansy has arrived and she’s smart and gorgeous. And Jamie’s got a child. And the little boy has some disease that Jamie might pass on. And we’re supposed to be getting married!’
‘Breathe, Esme,’ Harry said. ‘What do you mean the little boy has a disease? Is he ill? Does she want Jamie’s kidneys or something?’
‘That’s what I thought,’ I said. ‘But apparently the kid’s fine now. But it’s some inherited thing that Jamie must carry and she thought he should know.’
‘Gosh, that’s nice of her,’ Louise said. I gave her a death stare and she shut her mouth.
‘It’s not like we haven’t both got a past,’ I said.
‘Well you certainly have,’ Harry pointed out. Quite unhelpfully, I thought, though she had a point. Jamie and I had been teenage sweethearts but we’d split up and lost touch for a decade largely because of my pig-headedness. Then when we finally did meet up again, a few years ago, I’d been involved in an unhappy office romance with a married man. Yes, I know, it’s horrible and I wasn’t proud of that one. We finally got it together, only for me to ruin it all again. Though this time it wasn’t entirely my fault – I’d been under a bad spell and it had made me act – well, let’s just say… completely out of character. But we were back on track now, planning our wedding and our future together. A future that was now in question.
Harry realised she’d gone too far. She gave my leg a reassuring rub.
‘You and Jamie are rock solid, Ez,’ she said. ‘You’ll get through this.’
‘She’s right,’ Louise said. ‘It’ll be fine. Just make sure you and Jamie work together on this and it’ll all work out.’
‘Promise?’ I asked.
Harry winked at me.
‘I promise,’ she said. ‘I promise we’ll help you however we can.’
I heard footsteps coming up the stairs.
‘That’s them,’ I said, freezing. ‘I’m not going out there until I know she’s gone.’
We sat in silence, listening as the door to the new spare room opened and closed, then opened again. I heard Tansy’s footsteps padding along the hall to the bathroom, water ran and the toilet flushed, then the spare room door opened and closed again, and all was quiet.
I leaned over and kissed first Lou and then Harry.
‘Thanks for listening to me,’ I said. ‘Maybe it will all seem better in the morning.’
‘Maybe,’ said Harry, but she didn’t sound very certain.
I slid off the bed and quietly crept down the hall to my childhood bedroom – the room I was now sharing with Jamie. I opened the door and went in. Jamie was sitting on the edge of the bed, his head in his hands. He looked up when I entered.
‘Oh Esme,’ he said. ‘What are we going to do?’ His voice cracked and my heart melted. I stood in front of him and wrapped my arms around him. He rested his head against my chest and I bent and kissed the top of his blond hair.
‘It’s going to be okay,’ I said. ‘We can work this out if we stick together.’
He looked up at me with red-rimmed eyes.
‘Are we okay?’ he said. ‘Me and you?’
‘Of course we are,’ I said. ‘Of course we are.’
Jamie slumped against me, relieved and exhausted. Like he was a child, I helped him pull off his T-shirt and jeans and tucked him into bed. It could be good practice for being a step-mum I thought to myself ruefully as I stroked his hair just like Tansy had stroked Parker’s. When I was sure he was asleep, I tucked myself under the duvet, stripped off my clothes and wriggled into my pyjamas – years of living in this chilly house had made me an expert in getting dressed without exposing any skin to the cold air. I thought I wouldn’t be able to sleep a wink, but within seconds my eyelids were heavy. I just hoped everything would be okay tomorrow.
Saturday
Chapter 4
When I woke up the next morning the room was filled with a cool, grey light. I slipped quietly out of bed so as not to wake Jamie – who was finally sleeping peacefully after tossing and turning most of the night. Wrapping my dressing gown round me, I went to the window and peeked out. My bedroom was at the front of the house and the road outside was blanketed in a thick layer of snow. Our house sat high up on the hill overlooking the town, so normally I could see down into the glen and if I stuck my head out of the window – and the trees weren’t too lush – I could see the loch glinting below all the houses. Now though, I couldn’t see a thing. It was still snowing, much more gently than it had last night. The window was covered in spiders’ webs made of ice and though the trees opposite were bare, they were groaning under the weight of snow heaped on their branches. I couldn’t see down into town at all because it was kind of misty and just really snowy. I was thrilled and I hugged myself in excitement. When we’d planned our wedding for this time of year, we’d hoped for snow – Claddach was so beautiful in winter.
Thinking of the wedding made me remember everything that had happened yesterday. I wondered if Tansy was still here or if she and Parker had gone to find a hotel closer to Claddach than Edinburgh was (I allowed myself a brief smirk at Tansy’s grasp of Scottish geography, conveniently ignoring the fact that I had a very shaky knowledge of what was where in the States). I decided to go downstairs and find out.
As I got close to the kitchen though I heard laughter and Tansy’s American twang. Apparently she was still here.
She was sitting at the table, her long fingers wrapped around a mug of black coffee. Parker was sitting next to her, munching on a piece of toast, and Harry and Louise were sitting with them – both laughing uproariously at a joke I’d not heard.
‘Oh,’ I said, put out to see my cousin making friends with someone who was, to all intents and purposes, my rival.
‘Morning, Ez,’ Harry said. ‘Guess what? I was at Harvard the same time as Tansy – different departments of course, but we know some of the same people. Isn’t that amazing?’
I bristled.
‘Isn’t it?’ I said. I picked up the kettle and filled it up from the tap.
‘Your home is lovely,’ Tansy said. ‘I was just thanking Harry and Louise for making us so welcome.’
‘Did you sleep okay?’ said Louise to Tansy, but winking at me as she said it. ‘Not many people use that room.’
‘Great,’ said Tansy. ‘We were snug as bugs.’
‘I like bugs,’ said Parker. It was the first time I’d heard him speak.
‘Do you?’ said Lou. ‘What kind of bugs do you like?’
Parker grinned at her, showing perfect teeth and – I had to admit – dimples in each cheek that were pretty damn cute.
‘All of ‘em,’ he said. ‘Do you know bees are found on every continent except Antarctica?’
I blinked at him in surprise. I didn’t know much about small children but I was fairly sure they didn’t all talk like biology textbooks.
Tansy ruffled his hair.
‘We’re kind of science geeks back home,’ she said. ‘My mom and dad both teach at the university.’
‘University?’ I said faintly.
‘Harvard,’ Harry said helpfully.
‘Oh,’ I said, feeling slightly inadequate despite my law degree.
‘Parker’s very interested in the world around him,’ Tansy explained. There was a pause as Harry, Louise and I all gazed at Parker who was dropping bits of toast on the floor and watching as Bella the cat sniffed them.
‘So we’ll be out of your hair soon,’ Tansy said. ‘I’ve just been online and I managed to book us into a hotel in Inverness for tonight – that’s nearby, right? But if you’ve not got anything on today, and if it’s okay with you, I’d like Jamie to spend some time with Parker before we go.’
‘Jamie’s my dad,’ Parker told me, his little brow furrowed. ‘But he didn’t know he was my dad until yesterday.’
‘No,’ I said. ‘He didn’t.’ I gave Tansy a fierce look that she ignored.
‘I have another dad,’ Parker said.
‘You do?’
‘His name is Michael. He and Mommy do kissing like this.’
He screwed his face up and gave the back of his hand a smacker. Harry snorted with laughter. Tansy looked embarrassed.
‘Michael’s my partner,’ she said. ‘We’ve been together since Parker was two so he’s like a dad to him.’
‘Jamie’s his dad,’ I said, feeling defensive suddenly.
‘I know,’ Tansy said. ‘There’s space in Parker’s heart for both of them.’
I eyed her suspiciously. Was there space in her heart for both of them? Was that what she was telling me?
‘I’m sorry,’ Tansy said, changing the subject suddenly. ‘I really had no idea it was your wedding this week. We’d planned to stay for two weeks but I’m going to call the airline and change our flights. We’ll be out of your way as soon as possible.’
I looked at Parker who was busy explaining how bees make honey to a rapt Harry. He was so little and he’d been dragged across the Atlantic and halfway round Scotland already. It didn’t seem fair to send him home again without getting to know his dad properly. And it certainly wasn’t fair to Jamie, who’d barely have time to get his head round Parker’s existence before he went away again.
‘Don’t go,’ I said, surprising myself. ‘Stay a bit longer. Talk to Jamie. He wants to meet Parker properly. Stay for the wedding if you like.’
Tansy shook her head.
‘Esme that is so sweet but this is a big week for you guys.’ She paused. ‘We won’t go straightaway though. I guess we could stay until Monday –or Tuesday – if we can get on a flight.’
I was awe-struck at her decisiveness.
‘Okay then,’ I said. ‘It’s a deal. I’m going to tell Jamie what’s happening, and then I’ll get out of your way – I want to go and see my dress anyway. You’ve got a lot to talk about.’
Chapter 5
Feeling like a proper grown-up for once, and smug that I was handling this whole thing so maturely, I went upstairs to find Jamie. He was getting dressed and I waited for him to pull a jumper over his T-shirt, before I went to him and hugged him.
‘Tansy’s downstairs,’ I said. ‘I’m going to walk into town and see if my dress has arrived – give you some space to talk.’
Jamie kissed me.
‘Thanks for being so brilliant about all this,’ he said. ‘My head’s all over the place, but knowing you’re on my side really helps.’
I rubbed his back under his thick jumper.
‘Of course,’ I said. ‘I’m not going to let a teeny-tiny thing like an ex-fiancée and a son you didn’t know existed come between us.’
Jamie chuckled gratefully.
‘Come on then,’ he said. ‘I suppose I should go and meet Parker.’
‘He’s pretty special,’ I told him as we went downstairs. ‘Harry is smitten.’
‘Harry?’ Jamie said, incredulous at the thought of my un-maternal cousin being smitten with anyone under the age of thirty. ‘He really must be special.’
At the bottom of the stairs was Douglas, clad again in his thick jacket and hat. I stared at him in horror. With all the business with Tansy and Parker, I’d completely forgotten about my mother’s new “boyfriend”. Was he coming or going, I wondered. Had he been here all night? I shuddered at the thought.