Having The Soldier's Baby
“You’re worried about the morality of using Winston’s sperm when he isn’t here to father his child. Or have any say in whether or not he has a fatherless child in the world.”
Christine’s statement hit home. Hard. “I didn’t say that.”
“You kind of did.”
Not in so many words...but she’d rambled a lot and... “I guess that’s part of it,” she said, clasping her hands together in her lap, slumping some, too, but still not leaning back against the couch. “Is it fair to the child? To bring him or her into a single-parent home?”
“You know these are questions only you can answer.”
But that didn’t mean she liked that truth.
“A lot of people have disagreed with choices I’ve made in my life,” Christine continued. “One of them was choosing to use my mother’s money to build this clinic when I could have gone on to med school, or been a lawyer, or had any other life. But for me, this clinic is a part of her, and using my life to keep her legacy alive, to actually be able to give other people what she wanted most—the chance to have babies—this was my right choice. I’m happier today than I’ve been since I was ten and lost her.”
Emily believed her.
“You have to make your right choice,” Christine’s words fell softly between them. “I could tell you what I think, or give you pros and cons, but you’ve done a pretty stellar job of arguing both sides all on your own.”
No disputing that one.
“You know the paperwork you and Winston signed when you started with us gives you permission for the use of his sperm.”
She knew. Of course she knew. Her, and only her. That had been important to them.
“How do I know this is the choice he’d have wanted me to make?”
Therein was the crux of her self-torture. They’d never talked about one of them carrying on without the ever. It hadn’t been an option for them. Or a possibility she’d ever considered.
Hard to believe she’d ever been that naive.
“He’s not here, Emily. You think my mother would choose for me to be living alone in her parents’ home, dedicating my life to work? You think she’d choose for me to never have babies of my own?”
When she put it that way...not likely.
“You’re young. You’ve got a lot of years to have kids.”
“I’m childless by choice.” The brightly dressed woman smiled as she looked around her office. “This is my life. There’s no doubt in my mind that I made the right choice. And my point to you is...just because grief plays a part in your choice, that doesn’t mean it’s reactionary, and therefore invalid.”
Emily considered that for a moment before replying. “I’ve known since I was a teenager that I was going to be the mother of Win’s kids someday. I knew I’d have a career, that I’d be someone professionally, that that was important to me, but being the mother of his kids, being his wife, mattered more than anything else.”
“Do you still feel that way?”
Emily smiled and teared up a bit, too. “I think that’s pretty obvious, huh?”
Christine shrugged.
“I’m going to do this.”
No judgment came from the other woman. No sense that she was doing the right or wrong thing. That she’d made the choice Christine thought she should make. Or hadn’t.
But she felt a kinship with her.
“I’ve got the ability to have my husband live on, even after his death, to bring parts of him to life, to give him descendants. I can raise his children and love them as much as we both wanted to. I know his views on pretty much every aspect of raising children...we talked endlessly about schooling, about discipline—even eating habits we’d allow. And not allow. It’s crazy-sounding, but Winston and I...we were just meant to be. And our family was meant to be, too.”
She wasn’t rambling anymore. Wasn’t lost in the not-knowing. She and Winston had talked over every detail of child raising, of investing, of career plans, vacationing, homeownership, pet acquiring—but they’d never once talked about one of them not being there.
They’d never discussed death.
She knew how he’d thought about telling his children about sex, but had no idea what he’d think of her using his sperm to have his baby after he died.
So she couldn’t make this decision based on him. She was the only one left. The choice was hers alone.
The first big decision she’d ever made completely alone.
“It might not take,” she said aloud, still a bit shaky as a whole new set of worries came upon her. “This might all have been for nothing if I can’t get pregnant.”
“Nothing in your tests showed you to be infertile.”
“I know, but...”
“If nothing else, insemination gives you a better shot,” Christine said, more distant and professional now than she’d been. “If you’re still unsure, or thinking it might be better if it didn’t work, if you’re looking for an out...”
“I’m not!” She stood, and Christine followed suit. “I want this child more than anything...”
Christine’s smile was a surprise. But not as much of one as the hug the other woman reached over and gave her.
“I know,” the health director said. “And now you do, too.”
Chapter Three
“My name is Winston Hannigan. I am a chief petty officer first class.” He rattled off his serial number. “I was deployed as a sand sailor under the Individual Augmentee Combat program two years and four months ago. For the past two years I have been living with the enemy.”
They could shoot him dead on the spot, lying there on the ground, hands behind his head. Part of him wished they would. Most of him wished it.
They were US Army. A sergeant and a private, based on the uniform markings. Both heavily armed.
As he’d been before they’d stripped him of his guns and ammo and the blade in his boot. His US-issued boot, with holes in the sole, worn with his pale gray kuchi dress and loose pants.
No one from the United States was going to believe he was still on their side. Most days he questioned it himself.
The string of curse words that followed sounded unbelievably good to him—issued as they were in his native tongue. Even the word traitor attached at the end of it made him want to weep with relief. It had been so long since he’d heard American English.
He wasn’t a traitor. Hadn’t betrayed his country’s secrets. But he’d done what he’d done. There was no undoing it. And no way to live with it, either.
He just wanted it over. Was ready to die, just like his heart and soul had already done. Winston Hannigan, married naval officer with a future at home, had been buried in the Afghan desert ages ago.
Hungry, thirsty, tired, Winston didn’t argue when he was hauled up roughly, his shoulders half coming out of his sockets. Didn’t care at all that the servicemen restrained him and threw him in the back of their off-road vehicle. He’d been on the road for three days with a goal that could go one of two ways: he’d get out of the desert or die in it.
The way he figured, that Jeep, the excruciating jars as it bumped along at top speeds, was helping him reach his goal. Maybe both ways.
* * *
The actual insemination wasn’t painful. In a room with mood-enhancing new age music playing and the lighting low, other than the small bright light positioned for the doctor, and the lavender candle she’d brought burning not too far away, it was all over while she was still mentally preparing for the ordeal. She tried to doze while waiting the appropriate time before she could get up and go home. Thought about what she’d have for dinner—some kind of treat to celebrate.
Couldn’t land on anything.
Wasn’t happy about that.
She did a lot of math in her head. Financial reports, estimating amounts of money needed per year to raise a child, adding in incidentals for vacations and the unforeseen, college account deposits and even possible competition fees if he or she was into sports or dancing.
She counted months. If the insemination took, she’d have a March baby. Counted days, fourteen of them, until she would know if the process was successful. She could take a home pregnancy test earlier than that, but according to Dr. Miller false positives were fairly common any earlier due to low hormonal counts.
Salad ended up being dinner—she didn’t have much of an appetite. And she didn’t call anyone. Her mother, a widow living with Emily’s divorced brother in San Diego, helping him raise his two kids, would insist on driving up. And her friends... Most of them had either moved away or faded off. She didn’t go out anymore, not since Winston went missing. Most of the people she used to spend time with were other couple friends with families of their own now, leaving her the odd one out—and she worked eighty hours a week and didn’t relish spending even more time with the people there.
Another math problem to work through. Getting as much work done in fewer hours. She couldn’t spend eighty hours in the office every week once a baby came. Child care funds had already been calculated. Multiple times. There was a day care in an office building not far from hers. The Bouncing Ball’s LA branch. Mallory Harris, the owner, was a client at the clinic—and expecting a baby of her own around Christmastime. Christine Elliott had introduced them.
If all went well, they’d be pregnant at the same time. Pregnant. She could be. Winston’s baby could already be forming inside her.
Math. Numbers. Focus.
Wednesday, June 12. Insemination day.
Conception Day?
Two years, four months and three days since she’d seen the father.
Hugging Winston’s pillow, Emily cried herself to sleep that night.
* * *
“I did things.”
Sitting on a worn blue couch, elbows on his khaki-covered knees, hands steepled at the fingers, Winston tried to help the naval therapist understand. Though he’d been back in the States for more than a week, in San Diego for three days, he didn’t feel any different than he had bumping around helplessly in the back of a military Jeep in the Afghan desert. He’d murdered his soul there. Nothing was going to change that.
“You’re a hero to your country.” The woman’s soft tones bounced off his eardrums like the buzz of an irritating fly. “What you did saved lives. And what you’ve brought back to us will save even more.”
He didn’t need to be told the facts. He knew them. Was wearing the ribbons he’d earned above his right pocket. He’d put country and his fellow comrades before soul. Had made very clear decisions—for very clear reasons. He’d come up with the plan on his own. Had implemented it without telling anyone, knowing that if he’d spoken up, he’d have been told not to act.
His plan had succeeded. Beyond his expectations. He hadn’t counted on surviving.
“My wife believes I’m dead. I wish to leave it that way.” An unusual request, but not impossible. He was informing on a terrorist cell. He could request a new identity. Keep anyone who knew him by his former identity out of it.
Not that they were really in any danger. No one in the sect he’d joined knew who he really was. And the man they’d thought him to be, another soldier he’d impersonated, was dead.
“She’s going to know you’re alive when the death benefits stop.”
He’d thought of that. Had told his superiors that he didn’t need to see a shrink, and the morning’s meeting was only proving his point.
“I’ll do whatever I have to do, sign whatever I have to sign, so that she continues to receive insurance coverage and monthly checks in the amount she expects.” His salary should be able to cover that, with enough left for him to live on. They’d told him he’d have his pick of duties. After a mandatory six-month leave. And a release from the fly-voiced woman. All due respect to her, meeting with her was a waste of his time. She couldn’t begin to see inside him. And wouldn’t know how to handle it if she could. No amount of learning could prepare you...
“You indicated a desire to stay with the navy.”
“Yes.” It was all he had. He’d chosen his loyalty.
“Naval police,” she said, glancing through the dark reading glasses sitting halfway down her nose at the open file on her desk. He’d considered going civilian...applying to the Naval Criminal Investigative Service, but then his checks to Emily would no longer come from the navy.
“Correct.” Sitting back, his ankle across his knee, he reached an arm out along the back of the couch—a pose of relaxation he’d perfected over two years of living as family within an enemy sect. Pretending not to have a care in the world as he lied to them every single day, knowing that if he slipped up, was found out, he’d suffer torture far worse than death.
His free hand came to his chin and for a second, he was startled by the bareness there.
He’d shaved the beard. No longer had it to pull on when he needed to make certain he was still alive. And could feel.
He was Petty Officer First Class Winston Hannigan again. Not Private First Class Danny Garrison—the young man in his command who’d died in his arms, the man whose identity he’d assumed. If he’d died over there, as he’d expected to do, Danny would have been hailed as the hero. His family deserved that.
“You need my sign-off at the end of six months.”
Hers, or another military shrink’s. He looked her straight in the eye. After the past two years, Winston didn’t scare easily. Was way beyond falling prey to intimidation or manipulation.
He’d lived with the enemy for two years and had come out with a body still fully intact. Not many visible scars, even.
“Tell me why you don’t want your wife to know you’re alive.”
He’d already done so, when he’d first taken a seat in her office and she’d asked him to tell her a little about himself.
“I’m not the man she knew. Nor am I a man still interested in a lifetime commitment to another individual.”
“So you said.” The brunette fortysomething in dress whites kind of shrugged as she tried to pin him with her eagle eye. Wasn’t going to happen. The only pins he wore were attached to his ribbons.
“It’s not fair to her,” he added, lest the woman think he’d developed a selfish streak during his time in pseudo-captivity. “I am not the man she married. She wouldn’t love the man I’ve become. Trust me on this. I know her. She’d grieve every day, living with me. It’s much kinder to let her make a new life for herself.”
“She’s not a woman who knows her own mind?”
“Of course she is. Completely. Emily knew when she was fourteen that she was going to be my wife. And she knew we had to have college degrees before we married, too,” he said. “She’s been with the same firm since graduation and has quickly climbed the ranks to senior account executive. Because she knows what she wants and goes after it.”
“But you don’t love her anymore.”
“I didn’t say that.”
“Not exactly.”
“Let’s just say...my feelings have changed. Period. Across the board. I don’t love anything in the ways I used to. For God’s sake, I lived in hell for two years. I’m affected by that, okay? But not in any way that will prevent me from being a damned good MA.” Master-at-arms—naval military police. The one thing he knew for certain he’d be good at.
“Of course you’re affected. That’s why you’re here.”
If his hour were up, he’d be leaving. But it wasn’t. So he sat. Appeared relaxed. Thought about pulling on his beard. He knew the drill. Had lived it every day for the past twenty-four months. He was there because he had to be. No less. No more.
Five minutes of silence passed. Six. Then seven. Relaxing became more real than act. Silence was a friend he trusted. Within the silence he could hear.
Think. Prepare. Protect.
Within the silence he could be whoever he wanted to be. Think whatever he wanted to think.
“Here’s what I believe.” Dr. Adamson ruined the moment. “I believe that your six-month sabbatical was ordered to give you time to heal. And since we both know that, physically, you could pass any test today, your superiors must believe you need time to heal mentally. Or emotionally. Or, more likely, both.”
“Could also be that having been in captivity for two years earned me six months of leave.” Not that he was expecting the immediate future to be a vacation. He’d be debriefing with select, hand-chosen individuals. Two years of information collection was filed in his brain. No one asked him to collect it. But since he had, they wanted it. About as much as he wanted them to have it.
“The order isn’t written as vacation leave time,” she said, looking down as though rereading what she’d probably already committed to memory.
Semantics. He said nothing. Didn’t move. Or drop his gaze from hers. Bring it on. Whatever she had to dish out...he could take. And then some.
“Your superiors think you need my help,” Dr. Adamson said, closing his file and leaning her forearms on her desk over it as she looked at him. “In order to survive, you built defenses. Exactly what you’ve been trained to do.”
He gave her a bit of a shrug. Probably of acknowledgment.
“Your task now is to let some of them go. That takes time. You know what you know. I’m not debating that. Or even saying it’s wrong. But if you’re going to be of any further service to the United States, to the navy, you need to figure out which of those defenses no longer serve you and lose them.”
Right. Fine. He probably didn’t have to listen to every conversation in the next room anymore as a way of watching his back. Or sleep a few hours every day in the bunker he’d dug so that he could stay awake during the night when others thought he was asleep. He didn’t need to watch his back quite so much now that there were others around who’d share the burden while he watched theirs. Maybe he didn’t need to control every single thought he had.
He’d already reached these conclusions. Didn’t need her telling him what he already knew. But he needed her signature, releasing him.
If she wanted him to spell things out, he would. But only if it came to that or no signature. His thoughts were the one thing no one had taken from him.
“What you do is your choice, of course. Always. But for me to be able to release you back to active duty, in any capacity, I’m going to need some specific things from you.”
His arm dropped from the back of the couch as he leaned forward. Ready.
“I’m going to need to see you at least twice a month over the next six months.”
He’d been prepared for twice weekly. He hid a smile as he mentally applauded her good judgment. “Done.”
“When you return, two weeks from today, I’d like you to have a more permanent place to live.”
He was fine in the barracks. But...he could easily afford an apartment, too. He nodded.
“And I need you to go see your wife. If you want someone to prepare her ahead of time, let her know that you’re still alive, I can see to that.”
Had she listened to anything he’d said? The muscles in his jaw tensing, Winston clamped his jaws together. Took a long, slow breath. Reminded himself that he was an officer in the United States Navy.
“Whatever arrangements the two of you make are up to you, but you have to make them. With her. Or her lawyer.”
Her lawyer? As in divorce?
He supposed, if he was going to be alive to Emily, divorce would come, but...
“Let me get this straight. Before I can go back to serving my country... I have to hurt my wife? Make her suffer more than she already has?”
“You have to learn how to interact with people in a more normal interpersonal way, Officer. Your wife has a mind of her own. You don’t have the right to take her choices away from her. Or her suffering, if that’s what’s to come her way. It’s also important that you be capable of handling life’s emotional ups and downs rather than running from them, but first and foremost, you can’t go through life, at least not navy life, thinking that you know best for everyone else.”
She was staring straight at him and one clear fact hit so hard he almost physically cringed. The navy had given her a charge. She could only release him back to them if she could confidently assure them that, in her opinion, he could, and would, follow orders.
He was paying for his choice to act of his own accord. His choice to go rogue.
And that, he understood.
Wednesday. June 19. He left Dr. Adamson’s office, after one hour to the minute, having agreed to her demands.
All of them.
Chapter Four
She’d had the home pregnancy test for a week. Had carried the box in her bag for the first couple of days, then moved it to the cupboard by the toilet in the master bath.
It wasn’t that she didn’t want to know. She just didn’t want to get her hopes up, or dashed, with false readings. The doctor had said two weeks.
So there she was, in a short gray skirt and matching short jacket, with three-inch heels and a silk blouse, dressed for her noon business meeting in LA, sitting on a plastic chair in an examining room at the Elliott clinic, having just peed in a cup. She’d given blood the day before.
She’d deal with facts. She just couldn’t tolerate any more doubt-induced head games. Either she was, or she wasn’t. If she was...then...
Tears spurted up out of nowhere and she took a deep breath.
And if she wasn’t, she’d try again.
If she couldn’t ever get pregnant... If the problem had been her all along... If there’d been a problem other than timing or over-trying...
The door opened and a doctor she’d never met before walked in. She could have received the news over the phone. The protection of the sterile little brick-walled examination room, with a calm professional discussing options, had seemed more doable to her.
“Well?” she asked, before the woman could even introduce herself. Dr. Hamilton, her tag read. Did it mean something that a doctor and not a PA had come to see her?
“Is something wrong?” she blurted. “I was expecting the nurse, or...”
“Christine asked me to speak with you.”
Heart thudding and dropping like lead weight in her stomach, she straightened her back. “Something’s wrong.”
“No.” The blond-haired woman, in dark pants and a purple short-sleeved blouse, pulled a stool over to sit in front of Emily. Close. Too close. The doctor smiled.
“You’re pregnant,” she said. “Due March 14. Christine thought you might have some questions.”
Pregnant? She was pregnant? As in... Winston’s child was right there, in the room with them, inside her, growing into life?
“I’m going to have a baby?” She couldn’t make out Dr. Hamilton’s features clearly. Tears blurred her vision. Trying to brush them away with a shaking hand, she shook her head. Wanted to apologize. Was afraid if she spoke, sobs would erupt.
Oh, good God, she was pregnant? After all those years of trying. Of disappointment.
“This is what you wanted, isn’t it?” The doctor’s voice reached her as though from afar. Because Emily had been far away—in other doctors’ offices, in another room in that very clinic, with Winston, needing their baby so badly...
“Oh, yes!” she said, sniffling. Kind of giggling. “Yes, God, yes! I just... I guess I didn’t really believe it would happen! I’m actually pregnant!” She grinned. Sniffled again.
Dr. Hamilton grinned back at her. “You’ll have appointments to schedule, and we’ll be prescribing vitamins and tests along the way, but for now, all you have to do is celebrate.”
And buy a nursery. Call her mother. And Winston’s parents. Or...
Maybe not yet. The nursery, okay. But the parents?
Lord knew she didn’t want them descending on her. And they would. All the way from Florida—and most certainly from San Diego.
Besides, what if she...
“Am I at more risk for miscarriage? Since I was inseminated? And struggled to get pregnant to begin with?” She stared, solemn-faced, at the friendly doctor. Who was already shaking her head.
“The first three months are your highest risk, of course. But there’s no indication in your history to lead me to think that this will be anything but a normal pregnancy. We’ll do an ultrasound at sixteen weeks, or sooner, if you’d rather, just for your own peace of mind, but truly, the best thing you can do right now for you and your baby is to just be happy. Don’t worry. Eat healthy, no alcohol or smoking, of course, and otherwise live your life as you normally would.”