I Need You

“But Mom’s at home––and I’ve just not been in the mood for job-hunting. I should go into Portland, but I don’t want to be that far away from home.”

“It’s not that far. Most of my clients are in Portland. It doesn’t take that long to do the drive––”

“I know… but it’s too far for me!”

His eyes looked his questions. If I’d have snapped like that at Jason, he would’ve just shut up and turned away, but Billy never accepted anything at face value, he always questioned why. His eyebrows lifted.

I couldn’t answer why…

He didn’t ask it, though. Perhaps he realized my soul was too sore.

“So, did you?” That question was spoken in a deep husky whisper, followed by a smile.

I smiled, too, I couldn’t help it. He’d said it to break the ice that had settled over me. I shook my head at him, then turned the other way. But he had me grinning again and wanting to laugh, even though a moment ago I’d felt like the world ripped me apart.

It had felt awkward when he’d said it earlier, but now the glint of amusement in his eyes just made it a joke. That look in his eyes hovered in my head as I shut mine, listening to him chuckle.

“What music have you been listening to lately?” Another sudden change of subject.

I didn’t look back at him, just talked with my eyes shut, feeling the sunshine warm my back, now he’d blocked out the wind.

It felt like the two of us were in a cocoon, the world beyond our den didn’t exist. We talked about everything and nothing. TV shows, films, Vine and YouTube clips, it went everywhere, and we were talking for ages. I was so relaxed. I felt normal, when I hadn’t felt normal for months––years.

Then all of a sudden he got up. “I’m going into the ocean for a bit. You coming?”

“Our stuff?”

“I left my wallet and cell in my room, did you bring yours?”

“No, but people don’t know that, they’ll take my backpack.”

“Worry wart. There’s a woman over there with four kids, she’ll mind it; she looks trust- worthy.”

“Billy! My clothes!” How could he see everything so black and white?

“Put them back on. It’s freezing down there.” He bent down and grabbed up his tee and top and pulled them on while I got dressed too. Then he leaned down and picked up my backpack.

He climbed over a blanket to get out, and when I stood up he was walking back up the beach toward this woman.

The woman blushed as he approached her.

When I climbed out, pulling on my sleeveless tee and my sweater, it felt scary. That was stupid. But I’d been safe in our little cocoon, and now the world could get at me.

“Sorted,” he said, as he came back, grinning at me. A grin that said “victory”.

My arms gripped over my chest as insecurity crowded in. “I bet she thinks you’re really cheeky.”

“Nah, she’s just thinking she wished her husband still looked as hot as me.” His smile split his face. “Come on.” His eyes glowed reassurance.

Billy. My heart said his name in an odd way.

When we’d shared the apartment at college, Billy had always been easy company. Whenever Jason had gone into one of his quiet, thoughtful moods, Billy had always been there to shout at, with, to debate with, and laugh with…

I started walking beside him, my arms still gripped over my chest.

He looked sideways at me. “So, go on then, tell me, did you?”

He’d sensed my awkwardness. Amusement caught up in my throat, mixing with the feelings of despair that had started surrounding me again. It came out as a choked laugh and my lips twisted in a bitter smile. But it was a smile. I wanted to hug him.

I knew he didn’t expect an answer. He was purely joking. To make me laugh.

My arms dropped to hang at my sides. What would I have done without Billy when Jason went to New York? I had missed Billy loads for weeks. I felt a lot better now he’d come back to me.

I poked my tongue out at him, wondering what the hell he’d say, or do, if I answered, yes.

That made me smile properly, a full-on smile like I hadn’t done for months.

Shit, I’d had my first-ever orgasm this morning, barely hours ago. My hand clutching his cell and I’d thought of him, ‘cause I could hardly think of Jason. That would have felt wrong on every level. I’d thought of Billy’s muscular hips and thighs moving between my parted legs––of his weight pressing down onto me and into me, and the pressure of his movement inside me…

That would freak him out.

When I’d finished, I’d lain there breathing heavily and absorbing all the weird sensations humming and playing through my nerves––then Billy’s cell rang out Clarity by Foxes and Jason’s image had appeared on it.

I’d dropped the cell. It had felt like cheating on Jason, as all the feelings I’d had for him flooded to the surface, like it was only yesterday he’d finished with me.

My heart, and my head, still believed I was his.

But I wasn’t.

They had to learn.

But Billy had said I could mourn this week, so I’d cried, letting the tears fall again before I went down to the gym. I’d only gone down there because I hadn’t wanted to be alone anymore.

But, I’d had an orgasm… My first ever!

“Come on, you’re so slow.” He caught hold of my hand and pulled me into a run.

“Billy!” He didn’t cease pulling as I stumbled along in a run beside him.

I’d tried to run with Jason once, but he could run real fast. I couldn’t keep up with him; I hadn’t even tried after that one time, I’d have just held him back.

But it was like he used to run to get away from me anyway. It was something he did alone. Spirit and soul, leaving me behind.

When everything had got messed up, I’d tried to make him stop, because I knew it separated him from me. I’d already begun to feel him slipping through my fingers, but he wouldn’t give up. Running had been more important to him than us––me.

Rachel ran with him.

My toes caught in the dried sand and I nearly fell. Billy yanked me up.

“Come on! I want to get in the water.”

“God, you’re no better than a kid!”

That deep chuckle rumbled in his chest.

I was so glad I’d come here with him. I was really starting to feel better; as if I’d escaped. But that thought brought the guilt rolling back in, like a wave sweeping in off the ocean.

We were running over wet sand now, leaving the impressions of our footprints behind, footprints that the tide would wash away, when it came in.

When we reached the water, he didn’t stop but carried on running into the shallow waves.

“Ahh, Billy, it’s freezing!” The sudden cold numbed my bare feet.

“I didn’t have you down for a coward, Lind.” He pulled me on.

“Ahh,” I shivered as the cold water swilled about my shins. I gritted my teeth. My toes were buried in the moving sand.

It was easier being with Jason. Jason never used to press against my boundaries. But Billy had never been like this at college. Well, he had been full of energy like a coiled spring all the time about to burst, but he had never dragged me into any of his wildness like this. I had only ever been his spectator.

I pulled back against his hold as he got deeper. I wasn’t cool with this, the water was freezing, and––

“Frick, Lind, are you gonna be a chicken?”

I squealed when his hand left mine, but then instead, one arm caught about my waist and the other beneath my legs and he lifted me. “Billy!” I gripped his shoulders as he walked deeper, and the waves of freezing water swilled up at us.

I’d had a family vacation in Florida, the water there had been as warm as a bath; it was wonderful. Mom had been in the water with me, holding my hand, and we’d jumped the shallow waves together… I hadn’t felt scared with her.

I clung to Billy, turning my head into his shoulder as the ocean washed up at us and hit his thighs, sending up spray as it also swilled up about his legs. The wave washed on past him, the water level dropping back down to his knees. I watched it travel up the beach over his shoulder and saw it swallow our footprints.

Would memories disappear as easily––washed away by time? I didn’t want to forget anything.

“Have you ever been out in the water up to your middle?”

For years the water had been over my head, but only figuratively, not literally. I had never gone deeper than my thighs because I was too scared of the huge ocean and all the things I couldn’t see. It should have been the future I was afraid of, and what was hidden by time…

Another wave broke onto his thighs, the white foam frothing about us.

“Have you?” he asked again. Then he clarified. “I don’t mean that, I mean have you been into the ocean deeper than your middle?”

“No.”

“Come on, then.” He began walking forward.

“You’ll get hypothermia!”

“I’ll run when we get out, that’ll warm me up.”

My teeth were chattering, even just being in his arms, as the cold spray got me wet.

I gripped his shoulders tighter and he lifted me a little higher.

My gaze caught his. He smiled, then a glint caught in the onyx heart of his eyes. “No!” My fingers clawed. “Don’t you dare drop me!”

“Would I?”

“You were thinking about it.”

“I was letting you think I was thinking about it.”

“You’re nuts, Billy.”

“And going deeper…”

He walked forward. I was laughing, properly laughing, I could feel it in my stomach, and the muscles I hadn’t used for months were aching in my face. It felt so good to laugh. “Ahh, I turned into him, lifting my leg into his chest as a bigger wave rolled in.” I was getting used to being held by him. I was completely sure he wouldn’t drop me. His huge arms were firm and solid and strong. He wouldn’t let me fall.

When the next wave crashed into us it was stronger and swilled right up to my hips. His top got wet and the spray dampened my bottom. Exhilaration washed through my nerves like the ocean swirling around him, and the scent of the salt water filled my nostrils.

He went in deeper still. I clutched his shoulders harder, but turned my head to watch the next wave roll in. It was bigger, but then he was further out.

“It’s coming, Lind,” he teased. I gripped his neck with both arms, and turned my head into his chest.

“Argh!” I cried as it hit us hard, swilling against my back, a rush of fizzing salty water tumbling over me like rapids and soaking my clothes, but it felt good. I was a part of nature; of a world I hadn’t been part of for a very long time.

I laughed, lifting my head and clinging a little less.

Something glinted in his eyes and he took me even deeper.

“Billy!” I screamed as the next wave broke right before us, crashing open and starting to roar in a rush of white water that washed right into me, soaking me completely as I clung to Billy…

It was freezing.

My arms clung tight about his neck and I shivered like crazy as the wave rolled on past us.

“Billy what if there’s a sneaker wave. I’m cold. Take me back!”

Insecurity, fear, pain, all flooded back. My teeth chattered and I was really shivering. “Billy, take me back.”

His grip firmed on my thigh and shoulder, his fingers pressing into my flesh.

I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t breathe!

“It’s okay. I’ve got you.”

I gripped his neck, shivering violently as he carried me out of the water and back up the beach.

I was crying. Stupid fears. Stupid head. Stupid life.

“I wouldn’t have let you go, Lind.” He didn’t put me down, even when we reached the sand. He might think my fear was crazy, but he was still kind.

I liked the challenge in Billy, because he was right, I could face demons with him, and know he would keep me safe and get me out the other side, and if he could help me get out of the self-inflicted prison sentence I’d been serving, then I’d let him push me…

This was my week to mourn. Then I was going to let it go and try to learn to live again.

I’d had my first orgasm this morning because of Billy…

I’d gone into the ocean…

What else could I achieve with him?

When Billy set me down by our den, I was still shivering. He bent and grabbed up the blanket, wrapped it around me, then rubbed my shoulders.

His black eyelashes were all stuck together by the salty ocean water, and his hair clung to his head.

A wave had crashed into his back when he’d walked out of the water.

“Sorry, I took you too deep.”

“No, you didn’t.” My teeth still chattered. “I enjoyed it for a while.”

“But now we’d better get you in a shower. I’ll leave the den here and come back.”

“Aren’t you cold too?”

“I’m a bit tougher than you, Lind. I’ll go get your backpack.”

He turned away. I picked up his shorts, my sandals and his sneakers from inside our den and followed him up the beach. Heat seeped back into my legs, and then they burned.

He walked with purpose. His swim shorts stuck on his tight buttocks as he moved. The same tight buttocks I had been imagining moving up and down between my thighs earlier. The dark hairs on his thighs and calves were stuck to his skin too.

The woman gave him my backpack and he talked to her for a moment, saying thank you, I guessed. Then he walked toward me as I walked up the beach, clutching the blanket around me.

“So did you?” He said with a grin, when I reached him.

I shook my head at him, smiling, as I walked past him. I was warming up, but I still wanted to go back to my room and shower.

When I stood in the shower, washing the salt out of my hair, feeling the water pouring over my head and body, I smiled, as I remembered the waves crashing into us, and Billy’s strong arms hanging on to me.

So, did you?

The words he’d been asking me all day echoed in my head and heat burned across my skin.

Chapter Five

Billy

Looking at my reflection in the mirror, I splashed aftershave on my skin. I’d gone for a dark-blue shirt and black pants, but I’d kept my comfortable sneakers on.

The plan was to walk down to the Italian restaurant we’d seen.

I rubbed some styling wax on my hands and combed my fingers through my wet hair to spike it a little.

Taking one last look in the mirror, I told myself, silently, to get my shit together, then turned away.

Lindy and I had done a lot of laughing today, in the end, but I knew she was still unhappy underneath, and I still felt partly responsible, no matter what she’d said last night––and guilty.

I picked my wallet up and slid that, then my iPhone, into my pockets. Jason had tried calling twice while we’d been down at the beach. I’d sent him a text saying ‘All’s good. I’m just busy. I’ll catch up when I get home.’

I left the room, going to knock on Lindy’s door.

“Hey.” She opened it smiling, wearing a skimpy cotton summer dress. It was held up by thin straps on her shoulders and from there the material just floated over her breasts and her belly, falling to the middle of her thighs. She looked good. Her eye shadow was a soft blue and her lip gloss a pale pink. They suited her. She looked more like the old Lindy. “I’ll get my purse and my jacket, then I’m ready.” She threw me a smile before turning away.

She came back in a moment, wearing a loose black jacket over the top of the dress, and a small pink purse, with a long strap, over her shoulder. It matched the flat sandals she had on.

“Have you spoken to your Mom and Dad?” I asked, as she shut her door behind her.

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