A Night In With Grace Kelly

‘Oh,’ she says, puncturing the moment with the sheer amount of dissatisfaction she can pack into one single syllable. ‘Libby. You’re here.’

It’s not that my own mother dislikes me, or anything – though it does occasionally feel that way. It’s more that she and I have literally nothing in common. And that Mum isn’t very good at feigning interest in people she has nothing in common with. Mum isn’t very good at feigning interest in people she does have things in common with. There are two things that matter to Mum: herself, and Cass. All right, maybe I’m being unfair: three things. Herself, Cass, and Michael Ball’s performance as Marius in the original London production of Les Mis in 1985.

There are then approximately two hundred things that intermittently matter to her a very little bit – depending on what else is going on with the three really significant things in her life – before you scrape right down to the bottom-ish of the barrel and find her elder daughter. Me.

‘How are you feeling, Mum?’ I ask.

‘Oh, well, you know, I’m a fighter,’ she says, in her best Bravery In The Face Of Adversity voice. ‘It’ll take more than being cut open on the surgeon’s table to get the better of me!’

‘Well, that’s good, then. You look really well,’ I add, in my best You Can’t Have It Both Ways voice. ‘Really glamorous and zingy, for someone who’s just had an op.’

She glares at me. ‘I’m trying to keep on keeping on for your sister’s sake, actually. Do you have any idea what a terrible time she’s been having? Stalked by paparazzi. Hounded by a vicious ex-wife. And now terrorized by these little horrors!’

‘Actually, Libby’s come up with a really good suggestion,’ Cass says, reaching for the contraband cigarettes on the windowsill beside her. ‘Have you ever heard of somewhere called The Workhouse, Mum?’

‘That wasn’t what I was trying to suggest, actually, Cass,’ I say, as Mum’s eyebrows shoot upwards. ‘I’m really trying to suggest that maybe it would be best for you to call it quits with Zoltan. I mean, it’s all very complicated, and it hardly seems fair to—’

‘Oh, well, I’m not sure that would be very sensible,’ Mum says, in the sort of disapproving tone most mothers reserve for stuff like going outside in the winter with damp hair, or forgetting to take a good multivitamin in the middle of cough and cold season. ‘Are you aware, Libby, that he’s a footballer?’

‘I am aware, Mum, yes. Does that mean there’s some sort of law that says she can’t break up with him?’

‘Of course there isn’t. But it would be plain silly to give up on him this early!’

‘Oh, come on. So Cass is meant to stay with this guy, with all the obvious problems, purely because he’s a footballer?’

Cass shakes her head, her ratty ponytail wobbling as she does so. ‘It’s got nothing to do with the fact he’s a footballer!’

‘Exactly,’ Mum agrees. ‘Well said, Cassidy, darling!’

‘I mean,’ Cass goes on, ‘why on earth would I want to be with someone just because they’re good at kicking a ball around on a field? The main thing is that because of the fact he’s good at kicking a ball around a field, he’s really loaded.’

Even Mum has the grace to look a bit sheepish.

‘And,’ Cass goes on, ‘being with Zoltan makes me an actual WAG! Which is all I’ve ever wanted,’ she breathes, ‘since I was, like, thirteen years old. I mean, I’ve never forgotten the image of the original WAGS walking around Boden-Boden …’

‘I think you mean Baden-Baden,’ I say.

‘… their clothes, their shoes, their hair …’ Cass clasps a hand to her chest. ‘That’s the kind of thing that stays with you.’

‘The main thing,’ Mum says, hastily, ‘is that Zoltan seems like such a wonderful young man.’

‘You’ve never met him,’ I point out.

‘I can tell he seems like such a wonderful young man.’ Mum glares at me. ‘I’ve been reading a lot about him these past couple of days, in the magazines. He does all sorts of wonderful charity work – hospital visits for sick children, that kind of thing …’

‘Wow,’ I say. ‘That’s great. Though, I mean, it might not be a bad idea for him to think about his own children, when he has a minute …’

‘… and he’s obviously a great family man, because he has the most wonderful house in Surrey,’ Mum goes on. ‘Doesn’t he, darling? I saw it in Hello!’

‘Yeah,’ Cass grumbles, ‘but the ex-wife will get that in the divorce.’

‘Not if he plays hardball. After all, if you have the children living with you even some of the week, darling, you’re going to have to move somewhere bigger and better yourselves. And in Surrey, obviously, because those poor wee mites can’t be uprooted from their schools and their friends.’

Only three minutes ago, they were little horrors. But that was before they’d become quite useful pawns for Mum to justify why Cass needs a WAG-tastic mansion in Surrey.

‘In fact, while I’ve been resting today, I’ve been looking on Rightmove, darling,’ Mum goes on, pottering over to the bedside table and picking up her iPad. ‘There are some lovely places up for sale at the moment in the Cobham area … look,’ she goes on, getting out her phone. ‘This one even has stables!’

‘Oooooh, I’ve always wanted to get back to horse-riding,’ breathes Cass, peering into Mum’s iPad with a fraction of her old get-up-and-go. ‘This one’s gorgeous. Is it anywhere near that workhouse place Libby was telling me about?’

I think this is my cue to leave them to it.

‘OK, well, if you’re OK, Mum, and if you’re all set here for the night, I’ll head off.’

‘Libby’s got a date,’ Cass sighs, bitterly.

‘Oh! With Dillon?’

This perks Mum up slightly; me going out with Dillon O’Hara was the Best Thing I Ever Did, in her eyes, and she can’t really forgive me for the fact I don’t seem to have any intention of doing it again.

‘No, Mum. Not with Dillon.’

‘Who, then?’

‘No one. Just a guy I met in the street.’

‘Oh, Libby. I know you’re almost thirty-five—’

‘I’m thirty!’

‘… but I still think you ought to be setting your sights a little bit higher than some random man from the streets.’

‘He’s not from the streets! I met him on the street, right near my flat. He’s a personal trainer, actually, and he’s absolutely gorgeous.’

‘Ooooooh, is he one of the trainers from FitRox?’ Cass breathes. ‘You jammy cow! They were all massively hot. Is it Nathan? Or Kyan? Or Sabrina?’

‘Sabrina’s a girl’s name.’

‘Yeah but, seriously, she was so hot, I’d have done her, too. God. Why does Libby get to go out with a gorgeous personal trainer while I’m stuck at home being Mum to my stupid boyfriend’s kids?’

‘I know. I know. It’s very insensitive of her to point it out,’ Mum says, soothingly. ‘But look, darling: if you talk Zoltan into this place, near Walton-on-Thames, you could even think about putting the kids in the annexe …’

I leave them poring over the iPad, and head out of the room, somehow managing to refrain from banging the door behind me as I go.

*

I reach my flat at eight twenty-seven exactly, let myself in the front door, and just have time to hurtle upstairs to zhuzz my hair and bung on a coat of lipstick before, on the dot of eight-thirty, there’s a knock.

Joel is waiting politely outside when I answer it, and is holding a bunch of extremely lovely dusty-pink roses.

‘If those are apology flowers …’ I begin.

‘Nothing of the sort,’ he says, with a grin. ‘For an apology, you’re really looking at a hyacinth, an iris, or a nice calla lily. These are Looking Forward To A Nice Evening Out flowers. I’d have thought that was obvious.’

‘You’re quite right. I don’t know what I was thinking.’ I smile at him. ‘They’re really gorgeous, Joel, thank you. Oh!’ I add, as I take them from him and notice the branded tissue paper they’re wrapped in, inside the layer of cellophane. ‘And you got them from that place up past the tube! For God’s sake, they must have cost you an arm and a leg up there! You honestly shouldn’t have.’

‘It was worth it. Besides, I’d never have been able to drop the words hyacinth, iris or calla lily so expertly into the conversation if it hadn’t been for the woman who sold them to me. Were you impressed?’

‘Ever so. I’ll just dash up and put these in some water, and then we can get going.’

I should probably, for politeness’s sake, if nothing else, invite Joel up while I bung the gorgeous roses in a sink-full of water, but we’re not quite on that level of intimacy yet, I don’t think. Besides, after Marilyn Monroe, I’m once bitten, twice shy. Even though there’s been no further sighting of Grace Kelly since last night, I’m wary of the worst-case scenario, which is that she’s materialized up there right now and is stretched out on the sofa in full wedding dress, still going on about me being her alter ego, or whatever the hell it was she had me pegged as.

She’s not, as I can see pretty quickly as soon as I get up there. But still. Better to be safe than sorry. I’m pretty inexperienced at this whole dating thing at the best of times; no need to add to my awkwardness by introducing my magical sofa before we’ve even cracked open the first bottle of Pinot Grigio.

‘Shall we start out at that nice pub on the corner of the next street,’ Joel asks, as I re-emerge and lock up the front door behind me, ‘and then we can negotiate what sort of thing we’d like, eating-wise?’

‘Perfect.’

I try not to make it too obvious, as we set off, that I’m looking at him. But he does look good. He’s only wearing jeans, a plain white shirt and dark-brown desert boots, but the combination of these, plus his wonderfully fit body and that chiselled, handsome face … well, it’s a winner, let’s leave it at that.

‘So, what do you like?’ he asks, glancing down at me.

‘Sorry?’

‘To eat. Just so we can get some irons in the fire, dinner-wise.’

‘Oh, right … I’m easy. About food, that is!’

‘That’s good. So you’re not one of those gluten-intolerant, raw-food, permanent health-kick types?’

‘No. But – er – aren’t you one of those?’

‘Should I be?’ He sounds faintly astonished.

‘Well, I just thought, with you being a personal trainer, you might be into the latest health fads and stuff.’

‘Oh … well, up to a point, I eat pretty healthily, I guess. But I’m not one for … sorry, what did you call them? The latest health fads?’

‘That might not be the technical term,’ I say, feeling a bit silly. ‘I’m a bit clueless about all that kind of thing, sorry. And just so I can get this out of the way at the start of the evening, before you make me feel a bit crap about the number of miles you run a week, or anything, I should probably just let you know that I’ve not set foot in a gym in about five years!’

‘I would never make you feel crap about anything,’ he says, in a slightly dismayed tone, as if I’m wildly underestimating him. ‘Least of all your record at the gym. Besides, it doesn’t show. You look, if I may say so, amazing.’

This is generous, because although I’ve done my best, and I think I’ve scrubbed up reasonably well this evening, I think amazing is pushing it.

But fortunately, we’ve just reached the pub, and he’s holding open the door for me, and we’re heading in, which brings to an end this slightly awkward line of conversation.

We find a table, a surprisingly nice corner one given that it’s already pretty packed in here, and then I hang on to it while he goes and gets a bottle of wine from the bar.

‘Red?’ he asks, a couple of minutes later, as he reappears with a bottle and two large glasses. ‘I realized when I got there that I hadn’t actually asked you what you prefer. It’s just a Merlot. Is that OK?’

‘Joel, honestly, it’s fine. Please don’t worry! I’m not fussy.’

Though it has to make you wonder a little bit about the sort of woman he’s used to dating, I suppose: the precise punctuality, the flowers, the checking about my happiness and preferences at every turn. Not that I’m complaining, because obviously his manners are pretty much as exquisite as that flawless skin of his. I just hope he relaxes a little as the evening goes on.

I’m not used to being the chilled-out one, that’s for sure.

‘Good.’ He sits down opposite me and pours us each a well-judged glass: not so big that it looks as if he’s trying to get me drunk, but not so small that it looks miserly. ‘Cheers. And I know I said I wouldn’t apologize again—’

‘Then don’t,’ I say, firmly, ‘because I’m absolutely fine. I mean, I’m pretty well padded.’

The image of me and my well-padded body linger, mortifyingly, in the air for a moment.

Then he chinks his glass to mine again. ‘Bottoms up, I suppose?’

The ice, thank God, has been broken.

I laugh, he smiles, and then he takes a drink from his glass and starts looking – thankfully – a little more relaxed.

‘So,’ he says, ‘tell me a bit more about yourself. I mean, all I have so far is that your name is Libby, and you’re a jewellery designer. A well-padded jewellery designer.’

‘Well, for starters, I don’t think anyone wants to know more about my well-padded body.’

‘Oh, I wouldn’t be too sure about that,’ he says lightly, and softly, into his wine glass.

I won’t deny, this gives me a bit of a thrill.

I mean, I got so accustomed to Dillon’s barrage of seductive charm – full-on, no-holds-barred, innuendo-laden verbal foreplay – that I’ve forgotten what it’s like to indulge in some proper, grown-up flirting. No, scratch that: I’ve never actually known what it’s like to indulge in proper, grown-up flirting. Everything I know about proper grown-up flirting, I’ve gleaned from the movies. Gregory Peck, Cary Grant, Fred Astaire. To name just three of the men I’d have given my eye-teeth to be dating rather than the sorry assembly that makes up my past. I’ve never been wined and dined. I’ve never been wined or dined, come to think of it. All my past relationships have taken a direct path from 1) Drunken Snog At Party through 2) Vaguely Ending Up Sleeping Together to 3) Saying We’re Going Out With Each Other Just To Avoid The Embarrassment Of Actually Having To Address The Fact We Only Have (Unsatisfactory) Sex Because We Don’t Have Anything To Say To One Another. Followed by 4) Hasty (but never quite hasty enough) Break-Up.

Seriously, my ‘love life’ has pretty much looked like the icky, embarrassing bits Taylor Swift has never wanted to chronicle in one of her hits.

All of which makes it even more ironic that during all those years of relationship failure, I could – should – have been settled in blissful harmony with Olly.

And dammit, there I go.

I’m not thinking about Olly tonight. I’m not. In fact, I’m putting a total ban on it. A total ban I’m going to have to tighten up pretty quick-smart if I want to enjoy the evening.

‘Libby?’ Joel is looking at me across the table, and looking mildly concerned about the fact I’m (probably) gazing into space like an idiot and not giving him an answer to his perfectly polite question. ‘Everything OK?’

‘Yes! More than OK! Gosh,’ I say, in a super-enthusiastic, jolly-hockey-sticks sort of style, to make up for drifting off, ‘well, yes! What can I tell you about me? Er … well, I’ve been running my jewellery company for almost two years now. It only started out as a hobby, really – I mean, I was an actress before that, and a pretty unsuccessful one – but it’s really taken off, way more than I ever dreamed it would, really. I’m working with some … um … really great people.’ Best not to sit here and whinge about Elvira’s Official Warning, I think; it might lend a bum note to the evening. ‘And I’m just concentrating on building the brand at the moment,’ I say, which I’m rather pleased with, as an off-the-top-of-my-head statement, because it makes me sound purposeful and dynamic, both of which are things I suspect Joel is impressed by.

‘Amazing.’ He nods. ‘What’s the name?’

‘Libby Goes To Hollywood. I’m a huge fan of old movies, and my stuff is sort of inspired by Old Hollywood glamour … you know, Marilyn Monroe, Ava Gardner … er … Grace Kelly …’

‘Oh, well, now you’re talking …’ He puts a hand to his chest. ‘Grace Kelly was my first love. Not that she knew it, unfortunately. But still … what I wouldn’t have given to have met her in her prime.’

‘Yes. I, um, imagine that would have been something.’ I take a large drink from my glass. ‘Truly.’

‘Hey, if you love the movies, we should go to the cinema for our next date. I mean, always assuming there is a next date,’ he adds. ‘You might decide against it.’

‘You might decide against it.’

‘I can safely say,’ he says, ‘on the basis of everything I’ve experienced so far this evening, Libby, that no, I won’t be deciding against it.’

I smile at him. He smiles back. And we just sit there, for a couple of moments, beaming at each other like a couple of idiots.

‘Anyway!’ I say, breaking the spell, ‘that’s quite enough about me. Tell me about yourself. I mean, a surname would be nice!’

‘Perreira,’ he says. He turns ever so slightly pink. ‘Sorry,’ he blurts, inexplicably.

‘Why on earth would you be sorry about your surname?’

‘Just because … well, I know it’s a bit of an odd one. Brazilian, as it happens.’

‘Oh, you’re Brazilian.’

‘Half. My dad. My mum was born in Slovakia.’

‘Wow, so you’re … Brazilian-Slovakian.’ His vanilla-fudge skin and mysterious accent are making a bit more sense. ‘That’s quite a mixture.’

‘Yeah, I’m just an old mongrel,’ he says, with a short laugh. ‘Well, maybe not that old, thirty-nine next birthday. And you’re … what? Twenty-eight? Twenty-nine?’

‘Nice try,’ I say, wryly. ‘I’m thirty.’

‘Never!’

‘Again, nice try,’ I say. ‘But yes. Thirty.’

He grins back. ‘Thirty is good. In fact, thirty is terrific. You know, I accomplished more from the age of thirty onwards than at any other time in my life.’

‘Good to hear.’ I sip my wine. ‘So. You’re thirty-eight. And you’re a personal trainer. Do you enjoy it?’

‘Yes, I do enjoy my work.’ He sounds oddly stilted, but after another sip of wine, he goes on, a little less awkwardly, ‘I mean, I have some really great clients. And some good people working for me.’

‘Oh, wow, so you actually own FitRox, then? I thought you were just one of the trainers who worked there.’

‘No, no, I’m not one of the trainers.’

‘That’s amazing. Running the place, I mean. But is it ever difficult, owning your own business like that? Because I suppose I always thought it would be the most incredible fun – and it is, don’t get me wrong – but are there ever times when you feel like it’s not turning out quite how you wanted it to?’

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