Our Stop

9

Daniel

‘I really am going to have to ask you to piss off,’ Daniel said to Lorenzo as he poured boiling water into his favourite Arsenal mug. ‘I am not reading a dating guide. Absolutely not.’

He manoeuvred around his flatmate to the fridge, pulling out the plastic carton of milk and doing a double take as he realized that it was weirdly light. He looked at it, pointedly, sighing dramatically.

‘Lorenzo, did you put an empty milk carton back into the fridge?’

Lorenzo looked from the carton to Daniel’s raised eyebrows.

‘It’s an emergency stash day,’ Lorenzo said with a shrug, opening the drawer where they kept the single-portion pots of UHT milk that they made a game of stealing from hotels and buffet breakfasts. Daniel wasn’t sure how it had begun, but there was now a specific drawer for them, for these long-life UHT milks, which had more recently come to involve UHT milk sachets too.

‘There’s a trend for them,’ Lorenzo had acknowledged knowingly once, as he returned from a weekend wedding in Edinburgh with ten sachets. ‘The sachets are much easier to open. More environmentally friendly too.’

Some weeks they didn’t buy proper milk at all, living off the UHT drawer. What was weirder was that Daniel and Lorenzo didn’t even really talk about it. It was just a thing that they did. No milk in the fridge? Time for the milk drawer, then. It normally happened at the end of the week, on a Friday, so at least today they were consistent with their milk-buying inconsistencies.

By way of a mild apology it was an easy-open sachet that Lorenzo handed over now. Daniel took it, shaking his head. It felt like there was a ‘Joey and Chandler’ dynamic between them sometimes – and that probably wasn’t a good thing.

‘I’m just saying, have a glance at it,’ Lorenzo said, taking a milk sachet for himself and ripping it open with his teeth. He drank it down, on its own, in one gulp.

‘It’s for girls!’ Daniel said. ‘Presumably girls who want to pick up boys! I don’t want to pick up boys!’ He held his tea by the rim of the mug, deciding it was too hot and switching it to the other hand to hold by the handle. ‘If I was a girl picking up boys it looks like a mighty fine book, but as I am not, I shall proceed on my own, book-free,’ he said, adding defensively, ‘I don’t need a book to tell me how to chat a woman up.’

Lorenzo picked up the copy of Get Your Guys! from the table where he’d left it out for Daniel the night before.

‘All I’m saying,’ Lorenzo intoned, ‘is that everyone at work was equally as sceptical as you, except the woman who commissioned it. And one by one, she passed it out to the 5 girls on the staff and, one by one, they all had stories about trying what –’ he glanced down at the front cover to remind himself of the author’s name ‘– Grant Garby says, and now most of them are engaged.’

‘But,’ Daniel said, closing his eyes as if very, very tired. ‘They are women. Hitting on men.’

Lorenzo shook his head. ‘Well, you see, I thought I should take a look at it, you know, as research, and it is my job to PR books, even if I wasn’t PR-ing this one. Know the market and all that. And he’s fucking genius. Grant Garby. He has this whole YouTube series and everything. It’s been a slow grower, but since it came out and word has spread, he’s sold like, one hundred thousand copies. Chicks swear by him, but he reckons blokes should be reading his stuff too.’

Daniel finished his tea and put the empty mug in the sink, where it would live for two days until he’d finally cave in over his dishwasher stand-off with Lorenzo and empty it himself, thus making room for a kitchen full of dirty crockery and the whole cycle could start over again.

‘Why do you need help hitting on women? It’s literally the only thing you’re good at.’

‘Rude,’ said Lorenzo, only half insulted. ‘And, my friend, this is what makes me so clever: continual practice.’

‘Continual practice.’

‘Continual practice. Christians don’t go to church once, and then say they’re Christian forever. They go to church every Sunday, to keep practising their religion. I’m no Casanova because I got lucky with girls a few times – I’m called The Closer because I practise the skills needed to be The Closer.’

‘That’s disgusting,’ said Daniel, looking at his watch. ‘Nobody calls you The Closer.’

‘I call myself The Closer.’

‘I repeat: that’s disgusting.’

Lorenzo moved to block Daniel’s exit from their shared kitchen. ‘Listen to me. I fucking care about you, man. I care that this works out for you. Okay? And I’m telling you – read the book.’

Daniel made eye contact with his friend, who instantly, in a fit of embarrassment at being so candid, looked away and moved aside. Theirs wasn’t an easy relationship, but Lorenzo had definitely stepped up after Daniel’s dad had died, and he figured that’s what he was getting at: that Lorenzo wanted Daniel to have something work out in his favour. Lorenzo was caring in the only way Lorenzo knew how.

Daniel took the book.

‘Fine,’ he said. ‘I’ll look at it.’

Lorenzo clapped his hands, thrilled to have charmed yet another person into bending to his will. Daniel wondered if that’s where he’d learned to do it – from the book.

‘Chapter six, buddy – that’s the one. I double dare you to try it.’

‘Chapter six,’ Daniel said. ‘Fine.’

As he travelled to work, Daniel felt like there was a huge spotlight on his backpack illuminating the fact he had a dating guide in his possession. He’d be mortified to be caught with it, and worried one wrong move could see his bag slip from his shoulder and its contents splay out for the judgement of everyone else on the underground. What if she saw it? Nadia? His paranoia was so great that he’d almost managed to convince himself that The Dating Guide police were going to search every carriage, demanding anyone with a dating guide on them step forward. He had visions of having to declare to everyone, including Nadia, that he had a hardback copy of Get Your Guys! and he’d never be able to get on the tube again. He’d got the guide to help with Nadia, but if she saw he had it he would lose her before it had even begun, he was certain.

He was relieved that she wasn’t actually on the train today.

‘My man, how’s it going today?’ Romeo asked him, as he slipped through the glass doors of his office tower.

‘I HAVE A DATING GUIDE!’ Daniel declared, desperate for somebody – anybody – to know. He couldn’t carry the guilt. He needed to be absolved.

‘Good for you!’ said Romeo, totally unfazed by Daniel’s non sequitur. That was the thing about Romeo: he was just happy to be alive, and happy that everyone else was alive too.

Daniel fumbled around in his bag, pulling it out for Romeo to see. ‘It’s called Get Your Guys!’ he said, panicked. ‘Lorenzo forced me to take it.’

‘Oh,’ said Romeo, taking it. ‘Have you got to chapter six? My sister read this and said chapter six changed her life.’

‘Chapter six? No, no, I haven’t read chapter six. I haven’t read any of it!’ Daniel shook his head. ‘I don’t need to read a dating guide!’

Romeo shrugged, thumbing through it. ‘Well then, what harm can it do?’ he said, not unreasonably. ‘If you don’t need it, why are you freaking out about having it?’

Daniel scowled. ‘I have to go,’ he said, taking the guide and slipping it into his bag again. He leaned into Romeo and lowered his voice.

‘Tell nobody,’ he said, walking off.

Waiting to find somebody you like to flirt with is like waiting to go on stage to learn your lines

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