Sinner
‘Why do you want a tenner?’
‘Cos I ain’t got one.’
Going into his pocket, Alfie pulled out a wad of money. He winked at her. ‘That’s a good enough reason as any. I like a person who can be straight.’
Amazed, Shannon said, ‘You’re really going to give me ten quid?’
‘Yeah, that’s what you asked for isn’t it?’
She looked at Alfie suspiciously. ‘I’m not giving you a blow job if that’s what you’re after; for starters I charge twenty quid, but anyhow, my mouth hurts too much to do it.’
Alfie shook his head sadly. ‘No, darlin’, that’s not what I’m looking for … I tell you what, why don’t you take this.’
‘Fifty quid!’ Shannon looked at the money and then at Alfie, then back at the money before saying, ‘You really are weird, mate. Is this how you get off, get your kicks?’
Alfie laughed again. ‘It certainly isn’t.’
‘But no one gives money away for nothing.’
It was Alfie’s turn to shrug. ‘I do. Go on, darlin’, just take it.’
As he pushed the money into her hand, caught underneath the ten-pound notes was a piece of paper. It fluttered down to the muddy ground. Frowning, Alfie picked it up but when he did so he physically recoiled as if an electric bolt had gone through him. His head swam, and a wave of nausea passed over him. He’d forgotten he had one of the letters in his pocket.
Spotting the change in Alfie’s demeanour, and seeing how ashen he’d suddenly become, Shannon asked, ‘What’s that?’
Beginning to tremble, Alfie rubbed his chest, feeling the familiar tightness return as a cold sweat ran down his back. Scrunching the letter up and pushing it as far down in the pocket of his jeans as possible, Alfie tried to sound as casual as he could. ‘Nothing … it’s … it’s just a letter.’
‘Must be something bad to make you look like that. You’ve gone proper pale, mate. Go on, what is it?’
Glancing back at her, Alfie pulled himself together. ‘Now who’s the nosy one?’
Something like a shy smile touched the corners of Shannon’s mouth. It was the first time anyone had been nice to her in longer than she could remember. In fact, when she really thought about it, apart from Charlie giving her the odd free rock of crack now and then, there’d been no one in her life who had been particularly kind to her. The only thing she remembered of her mother was her being out of it on heroin. And as for her auntie who took her in, well, she would hardly describe her as the warmest of women.
Not wanting to think too much about the past, Shannon turned her attention back to Alfie, wiping her nose on the back of her hand as flakes of dried blood fell out of her nostrils. ‘Suit yourself, don’t tell me then.’
Changing the subject completely, Alfie asked, ‘How old are you anyway?’
Shannon paused, contemplating her reply, before confidently saying, ‘I’m twenty.’
‘You look younger than that.’
Trying to appear casual, Shannon shrugged again. ‘You asked me how old I was, not how old I looked, and I couldn’t care less if you believe me or not.’
Feeling the twinge in his knee from crouching, Alfie stood up. ‘Okay, well if I can’t persuade you to let me buy you a cup of tea, I’ll be off … But look after yourself, little miss nameless, and like I say, I’m Alfie, and if you ever need a chat or just somewhere to have a drink, pop into my club. It’s on Sutton Row. It’s just before you get to the corner of Falconberg Mews … And here, if you won’t take my jacket at least take my jumper. It’s going to be cold today.’
Back in Woolwich, Bree had made up her mind. Even though it was cold, the sun was shining through the window, and there was no way she was going to spend yet another afternoon cooped up inside.
Yes, she’d promised Franny not to go out, but then Franny had promised her that the days wouldn’t run into weeks and the weeks wouldn’t run into months. What was she expected to do? And besides, it wasn’t hurting anyone, not if she was careful, and one thing she was good at was being careful; she’d spent all her married life having to sneak and creep about, just so she was able to get out for a few hours here and there, so she was now somewhat expert at it.
Smiling at her daughter who was fast asleep in the cot, Bree picked her up, careful not to wake her as she wrapped her up tightly in a pink cashmere blanket. She gently placed her in the baby stroller Franny had bought from Harrods, when she’d first found out she was pregnant. Before things had got tense between them.
Checking she’d got her keys, Bree bounced Mia down the stairs in the stroller. At the bottom, before walking into the communal area, she took a deep breath. She shouldn’t feel guilty about going outside. There was nothing wrong with it, nothing at all. But then, why did she feel like she was doing something so bad? It wasn’t a crime, and it wasn’t Franny who had to stay indoors day in and day out, seeing and speaking to nobody, and as much as Franny refused to hear her when she said that living this way reminded her of her old life, that’s exactly what it felt like, and all the old triggers, all her old demons seemed like they were coming back.
She felt down, lonely. She’d even go as far as saying she was depressed, and she wanted out, but at the moment it seemed like Franny was holding all the cards, not just because she was indebted to her for what she’d done by helping her to keep Mia, but also financially. And she was certainly grateful, but right now she refused to let the thought of Franny stop her taking Mia out for some fresh air. After all, she was a grown woman and she could do what she liked.
With a renewed sense of determination, Bree stood in the communal hallway of the maisonettes, pushing away her guilt and hesitating only for a moment before she stepped out into the sunshine, feeling the warm wind on her face.
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. The last time she’d been outside was when she’d gone into labour with Mia, and Mia had come early, so that made it almost four and a half months ago.
It was crazy, she knew that and she was embarrassed to admit even to herself that over time she’d become slightly wary of Franny, even going so far as to say she was afraid of her. Not that she thought Franny would actually hurt her, but there was an intensity about Franny that hadn’t been there before, as well as an unhealthy concern for Mia.
On the odd occasion when she had tried to stand up for herself, well she was no match for Franny, and before she knew it – and maybe she was just being silly to think it – but in some strange way she felt Franny was keeping her prisoner.
Sighing, Bree crossed over the road in the direction of Woolwich Church Street, not wanting her thoughts to ruin the day. She pushed the buggy along the pavement, minding the potholes, strewn rubbish and discarded pieces of well-chewed gum, and taking in the surroundings she’d never really explored before.
She’d managed to find a five-pound note in one of her jacket pockets, which must have been there from before the birth, and now she was going to get herself a McDonald’s. It was stupid really, but she couldn’t help smiling at the idea of being able to order a cheeseburger without anyone telling her she wasn’t allowed.
Cutting through a back alleyway, Bree sighed heavily as she unsuccessfully tried to stop thinking about her situation. How things had come to this, she didn’t know. One minute she was with Alfie thinking about their future, and the next? The next his long-term girlfriend was helping her hide out. It was all such a mess.
Although she’d walked out on Alfie, that didn’t make her stop caring … or stop loving him for that matter. Not that she’d ever tell Franny that. That was the last thing she would do, and she’d no doubt that it was possibly the last thing Franny would want to hear. The problem wasn’t Alfie, the problem had always been his lifestyle. And there was no way he was ever going to give it up. It was what made him tick. It was in his DNA but bringing a baby into that life and all that came with it – the danger, the people, the uncertainty – it just wasn’t the way she wanted to live.
It hadn’t been an easy decision and as much as it hurt to the point it felt at times like a sharp object was pressing into her chest, it’d been the right one, and she knew however much she missed, loved and adored Alfie, doing the right thing for Mia had to come first.
Having cleaned herself up in the public toilets, Shannon was now almost skipping down the road. She smiled to herself as she felt the money that Alfie had given her in her pocket. He’d been a strange guy. An odd guy. He hadn’t been bad-looking, actually he’d been really handsome, but it was weird that somebody, especially a bloke, had given her something for nothing.
She’d half expected him to be waiting around the corner for her, playing out some pervy role-play, a fantasy; him acting as her stalker and chasing her along the streets, only for it to end up with them having sex down some dirty, cold alleyway. But he hadn’t been there. He was nowhere to be seen. And although she hadn’t wanted to get off with him and be forced to earn out the fifty quid he’d given her, she’d actually been slightly disappointed because it’d been nice just to talk to somebody who didn’t treat her like she was something nasty stuck to the bottom of their shoe.
Still, it didn’t matter because now she’d be able to buy some decent crack off her dealer, and not just one measly rock.
Just the thought of it made her lick her lips, but they were so sore. Bloody Charlie. Maybe she’d give him a few days to calm down and then go around and see if he would take her in again. This wasn’t the first time he’d thrown her out and she doubted it’d be the last. Anyhow, she wasn’t going to worry about it because today had turned out better than she’d ever expected it to. If she’d been with Charlie right now all she’d have been doing was sucking some stinking old fellow’s cock, but as it stood, she was going to be able to get high. She giggled to herself. Life really wasn’t so bad after all.
She didn’t even mind that she’d have to travel further this time, as her dealer had moved. Yes, she could get some stuff from round Soho but the problem with that was all the dealers knew Charlie, which meant he’d find out she’d bought some rocks, which would mean he’d want to know where she got the money from. Besides, her dealer’s crack was some of the best around, and that’s all that really mattered.
Delighted at the thought of what the rest of the day held, Shannon crossed over Samuel Street by Woolwich Dockyard, making her way to Warspite Road, which was on the other side of the dual carriageway.
Running across the busy road at the same time as her sticking two fingers up and screaming obscenities at the passing lorry beeping its horn, Shannon hurried along, pulling up the sleeves of Alfie’s jumper.
As she turned into the quiet road full of derelict houses and empty factory units, Shannon stopped in her tracks, before running around the side of an old empty warehouse. She stared, squinting through the bright sunshine as she watched a woman pushing a buggy along the alleyway.
She continued to stare, and she couldn’t be sure, but she thought it was … yes, it was. It was her. It was Bree. She hadn’t seen her for quite a while but now she was looking properly, there was no mistaking that face. The last time she’d seen Bree was ages ago. What was she doing round here?
About to wave, Shannon paused, and having thought for a moment, she stepped back into the shadows. Then, keeping her eyes firmly on Bree, Shannon pulled out her phone and dialled a number.
‘It’s me, I thought you might be interested … Guess who I’ve just seen pushing a pram.’
8
I’ve got a bit of time, I’ll be around in about half an hour. See u soon. Kiss to Mia. F x
Bree stared at the text in horror as she sat in the corner of McDonald’s finishing off her meal deal. Her heart raced and she didn’t know if it was the cheeseburger that was suddenly making her feel queasy, but she was overwhelmed with nausea as she got up and rushed out into the street.
She ran back across the road, pushing the buggy with Mia crying loudly as she sprinted past the grey railings at the top of Ruston Road, passing a young girl, who was clearly out of it on drugs and sitting with bloodshot eyes, sweating and shaking, slumped over on the pavement.
With the buggy bouncing all over, Bree dashed down the road, panic setting in.
Getting to the door, Bree’s hand shook as she rummaged in her bag for the keys. God, where were they? She didn’t have them. Shit … Alarmed and panic making it difficult for her to think clearly, Bree’s heart raced as she looked again at the bottom of her small clutch bag. She glanced nervously over her shoulder as she checked her pockets.
‘Mia, please don’t cry, Mummy’s trying to find something.’ She tried to smile at her daughter who was still screaming and, annoyed at herself for even thinking it was ever going to be okay to go out without Franny’s permission, she rocked the pram. ‘Sshhhh, Mia, it’s okay, darling, Mummy will get you inside soon.’ Her voice cracked with emotion and she fought back tears. She had no idea what she was going to do, and she was genuinely afraid of what Franny would say – what she’d do – if she found her out here.
Looking back down at her daughter, Bree suddenly gripped the pram and closed her eyes, an overwhelming sense of relief hitting her. The keys. Of course, she’d put them under Mia’s blanket. Grabbing them quickly, Bree fumbled and hurriedly put the right key in the lock, opening the outer entrance before rushing over to the door that led up to her flat.
Inside and aware that the clock was ticking, Bree tried to heave the buggy up the stairs, but it was too heavy and quickly she took Mia out, taking the stairs two at a time.
Throwing off the blanket, Bree placed Mia back into her cot before charging back down, dragging the empty buggy up and pushing it into the corner of the room where it was always kept. Checking she hadn’t missed anything, Bree heard her front door open.
‘Hi, only me!’
‘Hi, Fran.’ She could hear her voice on edge as she tried to calm herself, then looking down, horrified, she realised she still had her jacket on. Hearing Franny’s footsteps getting nearer, she furiously tugged it off, throwing it on the floor before kicking it under the chair.
Wiping the perspiration off her face and drying the sweat from her palms on the sides of her trousers, self-consciously, Bree smiled as Franny stepped into the room carrying a large shopping bag.
‘Hey, good to see you. It’s a nice surprise.’ Her voice trilled, and Bree wasn’t sure if it was paranoia, but it somehow sounded too loud for the small space. With all the running around the pressure was getting to her.
‘You look hot,’ Franny said gruffly.
Bree could hardly get her breath and it felt like she’d been stripped of air. ‘Me? Do I? I’m fine. Yeah, God yeah, totally.’
Franny’s gaze was unwavering. ‘If you’re fine, why do you look so flustered?’
Animated, Bree waved her hands around. ‘It’s just Mia, she won’t stop crying. Gets a bit much after a while.’
Cutting her eyes in annoyance at Bree, Franny, unable to deal with having to prop Bree up emotionally on top of everything else, snapped, ‘She’s a baby, Bree, what do you expect? I hope you haven’t just left her there crying?’ She walked towards Mia, scooping her up in her arms, and immediately Mia fell silent. ‘See, that’s all she needed, a bit of TLC. I sometimes wonder about you and where your head’s at. You can be so selfish. Don’t leave her like that, you hear me? And why are her hands cold again? Have you had this window open?’
Bree nodded. She didn’t care what Franny thought as long as she didn’t think she’d been out. ‘Yes … er … it was a bit hot.’
‘Well that’s stupid to have it open by her, she’ll get ill. She’ll get a chest infection. It’s common sense, Bree.’
Bree gave a tight smile. ‘I’m sorry.’
Agitated, partly from the guilt she felt from what she was doing not only to Alfie but also to Bree, Franny walked over to pour herself a glass of water as Mia nuzzled happily in her neck. She shrugged. ‘Well it ain’t me you need to say sorry to …’ She trailed off before begrudgingly adding, ‘Anyway, how are you?’
Not seeming so much on edge, Bree sat on the chair by the window. ‘I’m okay – the usual.’
The tension in the air between the two women was palpable as the room fell silent. Eventually Franny said, ‘Look, I can’t stay long, I just brought some shopping for you and there’s a few bits for Mia as well. I better go. Alfie will be wondering where I am and I’ve got to speak to Vaughn today, which I’m not looking forward to. Anyway, I’ll call you.’ Kissing Mia, Franny handed her back to Bree, walking out of the room and down the stairs without looking back.
Letting out a long sigh of relief, Bree turned and put Mia back in her cot. She smiled at her daughter, who was attempting to chew on her own hand.
Although going outside hadn’t gone as smoothly as it could’ve done, thinking about it she felt better than she had done in a long while. She’d needed to get out and so had Mia. Maybe next time she’d go to the park. She had to be careful of course but that …
‘Bree?’ Franny’s voice behind her made her jump, cutting into her thoughts. She swivelled around to come face-to-face with Franny who stared at her coldly, her eyes dark and emotionless, her face drawn and taut.
‘Bree?’
Pushing herself back against the cot, Bree began to shake, unsure quite what was going on as Franny repeated her name with a tone that forced a chill through her body.
‘Bree …’
Bree’s voice was only just audible. ‘Yes?’
Stepping in closer, Franny towered above Bree. ‘What have you done?’
Still shaking, Bree shrugged. ‘Nothing, I don’t know what you’re talking about.’
‘Don’t lie to me, Bree.’
‘I’m not. What’s this about, Franny? You’re acting really strange.’
Franny’s voice held an ominous tone. ‘Don’t pretend, Bree, you know exactly what you’ve done.’
Giggling nervously, Bree tried to lighten the mood. ‘This is silly – just tell me.’
‘You’ve been out, haven’t you?’
Feigning shock, Bree shook her head furiously. ‘Of course not! No way! That’s absurd. It’s crazy, I don’t know where you got that idea from.’
‘You dropped the receipt, Bree. You should’ve been more careful if you wanted to fool me.’ From behind her back, Franny produced the McDonald’s receipt and waved it in the air. ‘I told you not to go out, didn’t I?’
‘That’s not mine, it’s …’
Franny shouted, giving Mia a start, causing her to begin to scream again. ‘Enough, Bree! I’m not stupid! That’s why you looked so flustered, isn’t it? That’s why you looked so guilty when I came in.’
Bree pushed Franny out of the way, stepping around her. ‘Yes, yes, it is, and I shouldn’t have to feel guilty.’
Franny’s face flushed red. ‘That’s right, you shouldn’t, and if this was a normal situation you wouldn’t, but it ain’t normal. I have put my life on the line for you. You hear that? My life. And all you’ve done is gone out and risk it. It’s a joke – you talk about not having to feel guilty, well that’s exactly what I do. I feel guilty. You try lying to Alfie and then have to see him every day. Even keeping you here, well the truth is, I felt bad. I knew it was for the best, but you know something, Bree, I ain’t going to feel bad anymore. Why should I? Especially if you don’t care, and let’s face it, I shouldn’t even be helping you because when it boils down to it, all you are is some woman who fucked my man.’
Bree looked hurt. ‘Franny, please, you know that’s not how it went. I didn’t know about you, and I’ll always be sorry, but I thought we got through that.’
Franny’s face screwed up. ‘You got through it, I just have to learn to live with the hurt.’
‘But …’
‘I don’t want to talk about it anymore, you hear me? The only thing that I want to talk about is you becoming a liability to me.’
‘But …’
Hating the fact she’d shown her emotions by opening up about Alfie, something she’d been taught by her father never to do, Franny cut Bree off in anger. ‘What did I say? No fucking buts, Bree! If someone sees you, I’m at risk. Me. Not you. Me. I’m the one who’ll have a bullet in their head. You obviously don’t care what happens to me.’
‘I do, of course I do.’
‘Well let me tell you, you have a funny way of showing it. And what about Mia? What would happen to Mia if I was dead?’
Bree looked shocked. ‘I … I …’
Pacing around the room, Franny’s eyes narrowed. ‘You haven’t thought of that, have you? Mia needs me, Bree. You’re fine as someone to change her and hold her but what real use are you to her?’
‘What are you talking about, Franny? I’m her mum.’
Another flash of anger crossed Franny’s face. ‘That’s just a title, Bree. I’ve seen the way you’ve been these past few months. Weak. Needy. Mia doesn’t need someone like that around her.’
‘Franny, this is crazy, she needs me.’
‘Keep on telling yourself that, Bree, if it makes you feel better. But I don’t think she’d appreciate you risking everything so you could have a fucking Big Mac.’
‘That’s not why I took her out.’
‘You’re a selfish bitch. You keep forgetting that you agreed to this. I didn’t force you.’
Trying her best not to cry, Bree chewed on her lip. ‘I didn’t know it was going to be this long. You’ve got to see it from my point of view, Franny. Think how you’d feel.’
‘I know I’d do whatever it was that was needed, no matter how long that took.’
‘Well Mia needed some fresh air.’
Hollering at Bree, Franny’s eyes blazed with fury. ‘Then open the fucking window because what Mia needs above everything else is to be safe, and by you taking her out, you have risked everything you wanted for her. How can I protect her if I’m dead, Bree? Because if Alfie finds out that’s what will happen, and then you won’t have a chance, sweetheart, because you’re no match for Alfie. You can’t stand up to him. You’re not me, and not only that, Alfie will hate you. He’ll take his daughter and it’ll be him who’s calling the shots. It’ll be him who decides on Mia’s life. You’ll just be some pretty thing in the corner watching your daughter become something you don’t want her to be, and there’ll be nothing that you can do to stop it. Do you want Mia to end up like me?’
Bree sounded puzzled. ‘What do you mean?’
It was Franny’s turn to fight back the tears. ‘Look at me, Bree … Look at me! What do you see, hey? You see someone who’s strong, right? Who’s tough. Who’s hard. Who’s cold. Yeah, you do, but that’s all you see because that’s all there is to me. There’s so much missing because I don’t feel, not the way most people feel, and I don’t love, not like you. I don’t have that thing inside me to know what it is to be a woman. And you know why? You know why I don’t? Because I was brought up by someone like Alfie, in the kind of life that Alfie leads, with the kind of people that Alfie has around him. And I don’t want that for Mia, and if you had any sense neither would you. You wouldn’t risk going out. You’d wait, however hard it is, you’d wait. Because if I’m not here, if I’m not around anymore, believe me that little girl will be fed to the lions … And maybe this is the reason.’
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