Love, and Other Things to Live For

‘Bags or men?’ I asked, my lips creeping into a smile.

‘Both,’ she said handing me the envelope.

I pulled the rickety door behind me and gave her a short wave through the window. I looked down at the envelope poking through my bag. Unless I was willing to sell every possession I owned, it was the motivation to find a money-paying job.

I lay down on the living-room carpet, my legs stretched out behind me, surrounded by lists of all the magazines that I had sent my photography portfolio to. I decided to take matters into my own hands and try to speak to somebody about a possible placement. I could feel the butterflies of nerves in my stomach as the tone rang out. I sat there, crossed-legged, picturing the office I was calling. Picturing the person who may answer the phone. After four, possibly five rings, a stern-sounding lady picked up.

‘You’re through to Redsky magazine, how may I help you?’

‘Hi, I was wondering if you could put me through to your creative director, Laura. I sent through a portfolio of photographs for her perusal and I was wondering if it had been received?’

‘Is she expecting your call?’

‘Not exactly.’

‘Then I’m afraid I can’t put that call through. Can I help you with anything else today?’

‘No…’

‘Thank you, have a lovely day. Goodbye.’

It was a ten-second phone call then the line went dead. I drew a red line through Redsky magazine. I moved on to the next one.

After several awkward exchanges with receptionists, operators and refusals to connect I had reached the last name on my list. A warm sensation rose in my stomach and I knew that it was time to take a different approach. I dialled the final number.

‘Good afternoon, Inside Style magazine.’

‘Hello, I was wondering if I could be put through to Matt, your creative director? I sent through a portfolio for his perusal and I was wondering if it had been received?’

‘Is he expecting your call?’

‘Yes,’ I lied.

‘One moment, please…’

I could hear the line connecting, as I waited with bated breath to see if my tactic had worked.

‘Matt Baker.’ His voice was low and serious.

‘Hi, Matt, it’s Jess here. I sent through a portfolio for you to have a look at. I’m interested in a photography position and just wanted to check if you’d received it?’

‘Hi, Jess. You know it’s not exactly ideal to ring someone up in the middle of the day, unannounced.’

I nodded silently. ‘I know,’ I said out loud. ‘I’m sorry, it’s just…’

‘Listen, give me two seconds,’ he said, cutting me off. ‘I’m searching my emails, what was your full name?’

‘Jessica,’ I said, quickly, making sure as not to waste any more of his time. ‘Wood.’

‘Here we are. Okay, I’m looking at your CV… hmmmm… okay… to be honest, you have very little experience for a full-time position. I mean, you haven’t even taken a degree course at this level.’

‘I know,’ I said. ‘I studied law and then…’

‘My advice would be to get some formal training behind you and if I’m honest,’ he continued, ‘perhaps even a job assisting first. But in this climate, that’s pretty competitive too.’

The sound of silence at the end of the line signalled our conversation was over.

‘Well, thank you for your time,’ I said.

‘And don’t call people in the middle of the day, it’s annoying.’

‘I know,’ I said. ‘I had no other choice.’

‘Listen Jess, I can tell you want this from the outrageous way you chose to get my attention. You’ve got balls. Maybe when you get a little further down the line, and take the steps I suggested, then send it back through. There are always projects coming up.’

‘Thanks, Matt.’

I hung up the phone and sat amidst the numbers. I needed experience to get a job and a job to gain experience. My head hurt with the confusion. Using the fabric from the arm of the sofa I pulled myself up and tidied away my paperwork.

The first to arrive for dinner was Amber. Well, she didn’t exactly arrive as just came home from work like any other evening. She made her way to the toilet while talking quietly on her phone, giving me a slight wave on the way through. Moments later Sean knocked on the door, bringing with him a full Chinese and two bottles of wine under his arm.

‘I can give you some cash for that now,’ I said, wrestling for the bottle opener that was somehow caught between a wooden spoon and a spatula at the back of the drawer.

‘How?’ he said.

‘I sold some stuff.’

‘Like what – a kidney?’

At that point Amber strolled in. ‘Looks tasty,’ she said, peeling off one of the plastic lids.

‘Who was on the phone?’ I asked.

‘Oh, no one,’ she said, pulling out four wine glasses from the cupboard.

The buzzer sounded from downstairs and I ran over to let Marlowe in.

‘Sorry, I’m late,’ she said, shaking out her umbrella and making her way up the communal stairs to our front door. ‘George’s flight got delayed so I had to stay with Elsa but he’s back now so I’m free – that rain came out of nowhere!’

She poured herself a glass of wine and lit a cigarette while sitting next to the open window. I loved how she used our flat to indulge in all the guilty pleasures that she couldn’t enjoy at home. She was perched on the windowsill like a girl guide round the back of a tree at camp.

‘So what’s happening with the job situation?’ she said, taking a drag.

‘Well, put it this way, if nothing’s come up in the next month I might have to look into selling that kidney.’

‘You could get a job in a café?’ Sean said.

‘Thanks but I’d rather kill myself.’

‘It must be cold perched up on that pedestal…’ he replied.

I looked at him blankly.

Marlowe winked at me in support from her window seat while Amber was leaning against the kitchen counter, once again glued to her phone.

‘Amber, are you okay?’ Sean said as she continued to type. ‘Back away from the phone, you’re not at work now,’ he said, prising it out of her hands.

‘Stop it!’ she shouted. ‘For fuck’s sake!’ She wrestled it free as the whole room fell silent. ‘I’m sorry, all right – I’ve just had a bad day.’

I watched as she went into her bedroom, slamming the door behind her.

‘Is she okay?’ Sean said. ‘What did I miss?’

‘She’ll be all right,’ Marlowe said, looking like she knew something we didn’t. ‘So tell me more about this Harry bloke.’

‘I don’t know,’ I said. ‘There’s not much to say. He’s… nice.’

‘Ah, nice…’ Sean said. ‘That’ll get the girls queuing up.’

‘No,’ I said, ‘not like that. He’s really lovely. I like him. I think.’

At that point, Amber emerged wearing a pair of oversized pyjamas, giving off the overall feel that she was slightly calmer.

Marlowe smiled at her. ‘You okay?’

‘Yeah, I’m fine,’ she whispered, although the look on her face contradicted her.

‘Sit down,’ Sean said. ‘I’ll dish out the egg fried rice.’

Amber sat down at the table, the sleeves of her dressing gown covering her hands as she held her phone tightly.

‘It’s been a couple of weeks and we’ve been back and forth and now I just don’t know what to do,’ she said, looking to us for answers.

That was always what happened with Amber. She would tell you eventually – it just had to be on her terms.

‘About what?’ I said, leaning forwards in my chair.

‘Well, a couple of weeks ago, I was working on this new proposal for promotion. I’ve been developing a new business growth plan, completely in my own time, in the hope that one day my boss might look at it and see me in a more, I don’t know, competent light. I’d shown it to Marlowe and it was good.’

‘Really good,’ Marlowe said, now seated with us at the table.

‘Okay…’ Sean said, knowing there had to be more to the story.

‘Well, there is a woman at work, Linda. She’s senior to me and literally questions everything I do. I can’t win. But if I got the promotion I wouldn’t need to answer to her. I would just be working directly under my boss.’

‘Amber, just get the point, what happened?’ I said.

‘I mean, this promotion would be an extra £7,000 a year and it would mean that my voice actually gets heard rather than working every hour God sends on someone else’s ideas.’

‘Yeah, but what actually happened, Amber?’ Sean said.

‘I was called into my boss’ office about two weeks ago and asked what progress I was making in this quarter. I discussed my development and what I hoped to achieve. He said I was ambitious and liked to see that in an employee. He made a joke or two. I laughed. And then he talked about how we should discuss my ideas further. He got up and put his hand on the back of my chair. The other hand went on my knee. I didn’t move.’

We all sat staring at her phone, which was now in the middle of the table like a piece of evidence in a crime scene.

‘I know I shouldn’t have but I kept thinking about my position and how I didn’t want to offend him. So instead I just nodded. I could feel his eyes follow me as I left the office.’

‘But isn’t that sexual harassment?’ Sean said.

‘Not exactly,’ Marlowe said.

‘Two days later he called me into his office again and told me he was giving me the job of project manager at the new e-commerce merger.’

‘What, just like that?’ I said, in cautious belief.

‘Yeah. Just like that,’ she continued, ‘but when I got to work on Wednesday he said that the position would mean that we should spend more time together and he invited me to lunch.’

‘Just the two of you?’ Sean asked.

‘Yes,’ she said.

‘Is he married?’

Amber sat in silence.

‘Just be careful…’ Marlowe said, answering for her.

‘It’s a work thing,’ Amber replied, dismissively.

‘Is he married?’ I repeated.

‘Yes.’ Amber looked at me with wide eyes. ‘So we went to lunch and to be honest it felt great: I was being heard, he was flirting and so what if I flirted back, it was totally harmless. But late this afternoon he called me into his office again.’

‘Smooth.’ Sean laughed.

‘Go on…’ I said.

‘He told me how much he valued and appreciated me, now that he’d got to know me better and how he had come to rely on my opinion. And then he tried to kiss me.’

‘What did you do?’ I asked.

‘I didn’t pull away.’

‘Amber, he’s married!’ I cried.

‘I know! But I was scared, he’s my boss and now I’m stuck in it. And I don’t know what to do.’

At that point her phone pinged.

‘You’ve got to keep him sweet,’ Sean advised. ‘Don’t piss him off. You don’t know what he might do…’

‘But don’t have sex with him either!’ I shouted.

‘It’s a tricky one,’ Sean said as he leaned over to look at the phone. ‘He’s typing…’

‘What about my business proposal? I’ve worked for weeks on it and it’s really good. I don’t want to lose the opportunity.’

‘Babes, I don’t think he cares about your business proposal,’ Sean said, drily. ‘He’s still typing.’

‘Can we just change the subject?’ she said, pulling her phone off the table.

After dinner, I stood in the kitchen by myself, clearing away the forks that we’d used to eat from the cartons.

‘The upside of eating takeaway…’ Amber said as she walked back into the kitchen. ‘No washing up!’

Marlowe had left early to relieve the babysitter and Sean needed to be up early for a gym session. We were alone: just the two of us.

‘You can’t have an affair with your boss, Amber. He’s married. What about his wife? Did you even think about her?’

‘Hold your horses,’ she said, defensively. ‘I don’t know that I am.’

‘What if you piss him off? If he rewards you with a promotion, how does he punish you? It’s your job. Seriously, take it from me, life without an actual career, at our age, well, it’s not ideal…’

‘I think you’re overreacting.’

‘I’m not,’ I said. ‘I know how hard you’ve worked to get here.’

I switched off the lights throughout the flat and went to bed, leaving Amber still texting at the kitchen table.

‘Amber,’ I said quietly. ‘Trust me, it’s not worth the heartache.’

I’d passed the piece of paper that was sellotaped in the window numerous times and wondered what loser would want to work in an off-road Italian restaurant. As it turned out, that loser was now me. After the equivalent of a car boot sale for the heart, I felt unshakeable and remembered the advert in the window, sandwiched between a children’s clothes shop and a pharmacist.

I found myself in front of a small stone building that had been transported from the Italian coast. Terracotta pots hung from the windows and a small layer of condensation gave the windows a slightly blurred feel. I made my way through the door and could immediately smell homemade soup and strong coffee. Through the customers that were gathered around the counter, I saw a large man with a tidy, jet-black beard and, assuming he was the manager, made my way over.

‘I saw the advert in the window and was wondering if I could apply for the position?’

‘Which position? Chef or waitress?’ he replied.

‘Waitress,’ I said quickly, slightly thrown at the prospect of being hired as a chef.

‘Maria, can you bring in the large case of tiramisu?’ he called towards the back of the room.

I noticed his dismissive attitude and tried to hold his attention. ‘I can bring in a CV if you’d like,’ I continued. ‘I live just around the corner…’

‘Not necessary,’ he cut me off. ‘Can you come back at midday to help with the lunchtime rush?’

‘Of course,’ I said.

‘Ask for Guido.’

‘Who’s Guido?’

‘Me,’ he said.

I left hastily before he had time to reconsider and returned two hours later, after a quick sandwich and dressed in a white blouse and black trousers. I’d tied my hair into a high ponytail and put on some lipstick so that I felt a little perkier.

‘Hi, Jess,’ Maria, the woman I’d heard on my earlier visit, shouted from the back of the restaurant. ‘I’m Guido’s wife.’ She led me through the door reserved for staff. ‘Next time,’ she said, ‘you must enter from the side door on the left. The main door is for customers only. I don’t mind but Guido doesn’t like it.’ She held out her small delicate hand for me to hold. ‘Follow me, the steps are steep.’

‘I’m sorry, I didn’t know,’ I said, as I looked back at the daylight disappearing as we descended the stairs.

‘Toilets are through there and you have your own locker in the side room in the basement. I’ll give you two minutes to freshen up and then see you out on the floor, okay?’ Her accent was thick and Italian.

I dutifully hung my beige trench coat in my locker, changed into my black leather loafers and washed my hands in the basin. A yellow neon light bulb shone down giving my skin a jaundiced tone. It would be a steady income. And for that I was grateful.

The following morning, my trial shift had proved successful and I was now a fully-fledged member of the team. I stood on the pavement on the dawn of my first full shift at Guido’s and pulled out my phone from my bag. There was another missed call from Harry. Another call unanswered, but this time I decided to handle things differently. I pressed redial and listened for the ringing tone. After what seemed like an eternity of doubts that perhaps he’d seen sense and found somebody new, he answered.

‘Harry,’ I said. ‘It’s Jess. How are you?’

‘Jess, I’m fine thanks. Nice to hear from you.’ His voice sounded surprised, as expected.

‘I saw that I had a missed call from you and so, I just thought I’d call to say… well, hello… and things…’

‘It’s good to hear from you, Jess. Yeah, I did ring. Quite a few times, actually.’

‘I know,’ I said. ‘I’m sorry…’

After a brief pause, he continued. ‘So, why ring now?’

‘Well, I was thinking we could meet up again,’ I said, wincing.

‘Sure. I mean, I’ve never met a girl who cost me a week’s salary just to eat noodles. Maybe we could go to the Ritz for tea this time?’

I laughed out loud. ‘Thanks for making a joke,’ I said, smiling. ‘Is that a yes then?’

‘Yes,’ he replied. ‘That’s a yes.’

‘Listen, I’m just at work but I’ll give you a ring later to choose a good restaurant. Second thoughts…’ I hesitated, coming to the realisation that a night out with the remains of my bag money might not be the most logical idea, ‘. . . why don’t you come round to mine tonight after work and I’ll cook us a pizza or something?’

‘Sounds great,’ he said. ‘I’ll see you then.’

Nine hours later I sat in my kitchen opposite a man I’d only met once but felt as if he belonged there. And I was still in my work clothes, which I couldn’t decipher as meaning that I didn’t care, or I cared too much not to notice.

‘Okay,’ I said, ‘I told you about my failures at cookery, now tell me your most embarrassing story.’

‘Fine,’ he said. ‘As you know, I’ve played rugby since I was young…’

I nodded as he took a sip from his bottle of beer, slowly beginning the anecdote but starting to laugh already. His chuckle was contagious.

‘I was at school and playing rugby for the team. Now, this was a big game, the final of the county championships so basically the FA cup final of rugby for students. For some reason, I’d had an Indian the night before with the lads…’

I closed my eyes in anticipation. A small burst of laughter escaped my lips.

‘Eh… don’t look at me like that,’ he said, ‘go with it…’

He smiled widely at me but I couldn’t help it. I wiped my eyes, which had now filled with tears of laughter.

‘Wow, you’re a good audience,’ he said, chuckling. ‘So, anyway, it was half time and I made a quick dash to the changing rooms, as you can imagine, quite quickly.’

I put my hand over my mouth.

‘To cut a long story short, it was too late to check if there was any toilet paper: far too late. And there wasn’t.’

I screwed up my face. ‘What did you do?’

‘I took my socks off and used them,’ he laughed.

‘So what happened?’

‘I played sockless.’

Both of us burst out laughing: two loud and heavy laughs from the opposite sides of the table.

‘It was all well and good until I remembered that I still had to play the second half.’

I reached over to pull a piece of kitchen roll from the side, my face aching from the strain.

‘So, do you have any more stories for me?’ he said, pulling his chair closer. ‘Not necessarily in that… genre, of course.’

As I started to think I felt him lean into me. He kissed me.

‘Fucking wanking bastard taxi driver couldn’t find Hungerford Bridge.’

At that point I heard Amber slam the front door behind her and make her way through the hallway, shattering our rosy evening by turning the air blue.

‘Sorry, I’m late, Jess. It’s bloody pissing it down out there. Goodbye, summer.’

Christ, this is it, I thought to myself. The amount of men who could handle an angry, dripping wet Amber were few and far between.

‘Hi,’ she whispered, suddenly realizing that we weren’t alone.

‘I’m Harry, nice to meet you.’ He went over and shook her dripping wet hand, sliding the soaking umbrella off it and putting it down by the door.

‘I don’t want to interrupt, I’ll just go to my room,’ she said, quietly making an exit.

‘You don’t have to…’ I said.

‘No way!’ Harry continued. ‘Plenty of room for three. Why don’t you two go and put your PJs on and we can all get another beer and watch a film or something?’

Amber questioned me with her eyes as to whom this man was and why he was telling her what to do.

‘Come on,’ he shouted. ‘I’ll nip into the lounge and find a film.’

Before sauntering off to her bedroom Amber shot me another glance from behind the door, unable to hide her wry smile.

‘I like him,’ she mouthed.

‘Me too,’ I whispered.

AUTUMN

Chapter Seven – Oh, Starry, Starry Night

I suppose the thought of autumn always appears more attractive to me than the reality of it. I’d fantasize about sheltering in shop doorways, shaking out umbrellas amidst ankle-drenching puddles and drinking freeze-dried soup stirred from a packet into a cup.

As the first nips of the season could be felt, I was still working as a waitress at Guido’s and had saved enough money to buy a new camera and tripod. My relationship with Harry had gone from semi-permanent to full time and to give an idea of where we were headed, he was staying over at our flat most weekends; the relationship wasn’t open but the bathroom door still remained closed.

Looking back, it seemed as if time had suspended itself over summer, a period of just a few weeks when nothing and everything had happened. Some memories stood out, others had faded. I didn’t know at the time that it would all catch up with me. Like a jolt or a shudder, a reckoning for the anticipation of a moment, one in particular, that changed everything…

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