How to Not Be a Dick: And Other Truths About Work, Sex, Love - And Everything Else That Matters
Know what battles are worth fighting.
You won’t live forever, but you can create something that might.
Have perspective—there is always someone worse off than you.
Be patient—if you’re good, you’ll get what’s coming to you.
Recognize your privilege.
Sometimes, it’s better to be realistic than optimistic.
Never spend more than 72 hours in Las Vegas.
Only assholes give TED Talks.
Only supreme assholes attend TED Talks.
Always bring a jacket. You will never regret it.
Never do anything without consent.
Always buy the first round.
Never talk business at an after-work event.
Don’t be friends with your boss.
Learn how to cook three different meals.
Learn how to play the guitar. But never play an acoustic guitar at a party.
Learn how the stock market works.
Clean up after yourself.
Make your bed every morning.
Floss. Even though it sucks.
Buy yourself one piece of expensive clothing.
No one likes a sore loser.
No one likes a bad winner, either.
If something sounds too good to be true, it is.
There is no such thing as a quick fix.
Sometimes life is unfair. But things will always get better.
Your parents are just people and, as such, are probably making it up as they go.
If you don’t know the answer—ask someone who does.
Never wear shorts to the office.
Never buy single-ply toilet paper.
Never go to IKEA on a weekend.
Never show up empty-handed.
Never bet on your own team.
Always eat before you drink.
Always avoid the middle urinal.
Always wear a condom.
Always split the check evenly—even if you only had a salad.
Always keep your eye on the ball.
Hawaiian shirts are appropriate for every occasion.
Beards make you sexier.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
A burger at a bar is always better than a burger at a restaurant.
If a bar has peanut shells on the floor, you’re in the right place.
If a bar hangs Christmas lights, and it’s not Christmas, you’re in the right place.
If two different people tell you you’re drunk, you’re probably too drunk.
Give compliments sparingly—they mean more that way.
Don’t worry about what you’re lifting at the gym—everyone has to start somewhere.
Running one mile is always better than running zero miles.
“Compassionate Conservatism” is an oxymoron.
Everyone sees the world differently, and no one’s viewpoint is entirely correct.
Everything’s better on a boat.
It’s usually white people’s fault.
Do or do not; there is no try.
Be wary of anyone who talks about “building a brand.”
Never start an Instagram account for your dog.
Go outside.
Never pack what you can’t carry yourself.
If you can afford it, buy it. You’ll regret it later if you don’t.
Listen to your critics—there’s a good chance they’re right.
Never underestimate the power of a good complaint.
Refrain from interjecting yourself in any argument involving two or more women.
It’s important to know the difference between “your” and “you’re.”
Avoid anyone who has “Live, Laugh, Love” stenciled on their wall.
You’ll never regret learning how to change the oil on a car.
You’ll never regret learning how to install an operating system on a computer.
You’ll never regret learning how to throw a ball.
You’ll never regret learning how to play piano.
Always carry a pocket knife.
Always save your receipt.
If you’re tired, take a nap.
If you’re hungry, have a snack.
Be nice to animals and the elderly.
Guns are for cowards.
If you have a problem with someone, tell them.
Try not to take yourself too seriously.
Humility is never a bad look.
There is more to learn from failure than success.
Be polite and fair.
Just get on with it.
If you stick your neck out, be prepared to have your head cut off.
Aim high—even if you come up short, you’ll still be in a better place.
Life is a lot easier when you learn to let shit go.
It’s Basically All Bullshit
SCHOOL
WORK
LIFE
RELATIONSHIPS
FOOD
SEX
CLOTHING
SOCIAL MEDIA
Life Timelines
HOW BORING PEOPLE LIVE THEIR LIVES:
HOW INTERESTING PEOPLE LIVE THEIR LIVES:
Everything Movies Lie to You About
This should be fairly obvious to you (because you’re reading a book), but life is not a movie. Yes, there are moments of romance, action, drama, comedy and maybe the occasional explosion, but mainly, life is just monotony—a mix of walking, sleeping, consuming and overlapping dialogue. If it were a movie, Robert Altman would definitely direct it.
The fact that life is not a movie is the reason movies exist in the first place. They are escapist entertainment. Again, that seems obvious, but as you get older, you begin to realize just how much you have been incepted by movies (using a phrase from Inception as a narrative device is a pretty good example of that). They raise your expectations about what life should be, and how it should end. They give you false hopes and unrealistic assumptions. They offer hollow promises and faulty logic. In other words, movies lie to you.
The sooner you realize that, the better. Sure, your life may be monotonous, but it’s yours. Stop using a script as a measuring stick, and live the way you want. To help you get started, here’s the truth about Hollywood’s biggest lies.
You will never have a witty retort ready.
You will rarely say the right thing at the right time.
You will not meet your significant other in some quirky, cosmic manner.
Women actually have plenty of conversations that don’t involve men.
The quiet girl at (insert mom-and-pop store here) does not want you to rescue her from her small life. She probably doesn’t even want you to talk to her.
In real life, manic pixie dream girls are exhausting.
Platonic relationships rarely become something more.
If you rescue a girl, she will probably not fall in love with you.
Guys who look like Williamsburg accountants don’t get girls who look like Parisian models.
No one ever has a meaningful conversation in the pouring rain.
Loitering outside someone’s building isn’t charming, it’s fucking creepy.
Constantly pursuing a woman won’t win her over. It will get you arrested.
Failing relationships can’t be saved with poignant gestures or thrilling hijinks.
Weddings are rarely dramatic and only occasionally magical.
The same goes for sex—plus, you sweat way more.
Women don’t find drunk men charming.
You will never attempt to explain being caught in a compromising situation by shouting “It’s not what it looks like!”
Not everyone has a funny friend, because they’re usually annoying.
Real NYC apartments don’t look like that.
Real bodies don’t look like that, either.
Underdogs are underdogs for a reason—they usually lose.
Most assholes don’t redeem themselves, they just continue being assholes.
Bad guys usually don’t get what’s coming to them. In fact, they usually win.
You will never walk away from an exploding building in slow motion.
You can’t jump between buildings or train cars.
You can’t cling to a helicopter as it takes off, either.
You won’t get rewarded for ignoring your boss’ orders. You get fired.
If someone is pointing a gun at you, they will not take a moment to deliver a speech before pulling the trigger.
Occasionally, the automatic override isn’t damaged.
You will never be involved in a car chase.
In the event of an actual cataclysmic event, you will not survive.
In the event of an actual gun battle, you will not slide over the hood of a car while firing a pair of handguns.
You can’t just randomly enhance digital footage.
You will never get a montage.
You will never deliver a stirring speech.
You will never do anything that’s accompanied by a soaring soundtrack.
There’s a pretty good chance you will die alone.
Tom Cruise is actually like 5′4″.
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