e: A Novel

Brett Topowlski – 3/1/00, 12.49pm

to… Liam O’Keefe

cc…

re… tossers

BZ at 1.00. By the way, you got any idea what creative juices look like? Vin just blew his nose and I think his are now in a Kleenex.

David Crutton – 3/1/00, 12.59pm

to… Chandra Kapoor

cc…

re… e-mail

When the Microsoft ads ask me, ‘Where do you want to go today?’, I do not reply with ‘Finland’ – after Latvia, the dullest country in Europe.

As Head of IT, surely you can answer this simple question. Why is it that every time I send a bloody internal e-mail it ends up in Helsinki? One member of staff has already lost her job today because of this. Sort it out now.

NB: do not blame this on the Millennium Bug. This is the sorriest excuse since ‘the dog ate my homework’.

Zoë Clarke – 3/1/00, 2.10pm

to… Carla Browne

cc…

re… the dirt!!!

Boy, oh boy!!!! Finally got Fi on her mobile and we went for a quick one at Bar Zero. Just got back!! Un-fucking-believable!!!!! She’s in such a state, poor thing!!!!! Gotta go. Stupid Pinki’s yelling at me to book her shiatsu and that bitch, Susi, won’t lift a finger!! Who the fuck does she think she is, stuck up cow?!!!! Zxxx

Carla Browne – 3/1/00, 3.00pm

to… Zoe Clarke

cc…

re… the dirt!!!

God, poor Fi!!!! But what about me?!!!! Don’t tell a soul, but Rachel whatsit called me down and says the bloody Crettin wants me to work for him!!!! No one lasts five minutes with him (Fi broke the record at four months!) and ’cos I’ve been here the longest, they think I stand a chance of sticking it out. Bloody hell! !!! What do I do now!!!!? Desperate Dan will have a fit if he loses me, but Rachel did a good sell on it. It’s 5k more!!!!! Cxxx

Zoë Clarke – 3/1/00, 3.03pm

to… Carla Browne

cc…

re… the dirt!!!

Can’t believe it! Fi was on 5k more than us? That bitch. She was shit anyway and she’s got a right mouth on her. She deserved everything she got!!! Do you know she told me about you and Brett T. at the Christmas party? Wasn’t going to say, but you deserve some honesty! Anyway, do you really want to work for the Crettin? Money isn’t everything!!!!!!!!! Zxxx

Carla Browne – 3/1/00, 3.07pm

to… Rachel Stevenson

cc…

re… our meeting

Rachel, thanks everso for the offer. I’m thrilled that Mr Crutton suggested me for the job. Obviously it involves a huge amount of responsibility, with plenty of room for personal growth, so it’s not a hard decision to make. I’d love to accept – Carla

james_f_weissmuller@millershanks-ny.co.usa

3/1/00, 3.15pm (10.15am local)

to… all_departments@millershanks-london.co.uk

cc…

re… NEW MILLENNIUM – NEW HEIGHTS

I write to endorse wholeheartedly the sentiments contained in David Crutton’s stirring all-staff note earlier in your day.

The Executive Board in New York are unanimous in their delight at the efforts you put in last year to push the peanut forward and keep us on our toes in the Big Apple.

Under David’s outstanding leadership, Miller Shanks London is well on the way to reclaiming its rightful place as lead office in our European network. I look forward to seeing the evidence with my own eyes when I visit to lend my support to the Coca-Cola pitch.

Winning that one really would be a feather in our caps. Keep up the tremendous work!

Jim Weissmuller

President, Miller Shanks Worldwide

Zoë Clarke – 3/1/00, 3.21pm

to… Rachel Stevenson

cc…

re… hooray!

I’m so pleased for Carla that she’s been offered the chance to work for David! She really, really deserves it and I hope she says yes. I think it’s brilliant that we work for a company that’s prepared to give second chances. That embarrassing thing with the Arabian Airways client wouldn’t have been treated nearly so sympathetically by a lot of agencies – Zoe

PS I know you swore her to secrecy, but I hope you don’t mind her telling me – I am her best, best friend in the world!!!!!!!!

pertti_vanhelden@millershanks-helsinki.co.fin

3/1/00, 4.13pm (6.13pm local)

to… david_crutton@millershanks-london.co.uk

cc…

re… FASCINATING FINLAND

Oh, how your last e-mail has ignited a debating! ‘The dullest country in Europe’? We are compiling a small list of ‘Finnish Delights’ to provide you with foodstuff for thinking.

• The noble reindeer.

• 397 different flavours of vodka.

• A thriving dancing scene inspired very much by your own Pan’s People.

• The Autumn Skate-a-thon in Räahe, which is lasting for four days and nights!

• Reindeer à la Grêcque, the speciality of the head chef at the Helsinki Holiday Inn.

• The annual clubbing of the pilot whales on Björkoby Island.

• The National Museum of the Herring in Väasa.

I will be making sure to send to you a copy of the Finnish Board of Tourism and Fisheries’ illuminating booklet, Finland: the Culture, the History and the Fish. I think you will be finding it most stimulatory!

Tally-ho! Pertti

PS: My own creativity boffins are now working out their first ‘well-wicked’ Coca-Cola concepts. You are baiting your breath, yes?

Daniel Westbrooke – 3/1/00, 4.16pm

to… Rachel Stevenson

cc…

re… Carla Browne

Carla tells me that she has been offered the job of Personal Assistant to David. Pardon my French, but I am getting really bloody hacked off with this place. Why am I the last person to find anything out? I would stand more chance of knowing what is going on here if I went to the Groucho and heard it from the chaps at Saatchi and Bartle Bogle.

This is bloody awful timing. I am in sole charge of the most important pitch in this agency’s history. How am I supposed to manage without adequate secretarial support?

I have been at Miller Shanks for fifteen years and it would be nice just for once to be treated with the respect due to the Head of Client Services.

Daniel Westbrooke – 3/1/00, 4.24pm

to… David Crutton

cc…

re… Carla Browne

I am so chuffed for Carla that she has decided to take you up on your fantastic offer. She is a cracking girl and her time in the exacting role of PA to Head of Client Services has prepared her well. Much as I will miss her, I am certain you will be brilliant for each other. If there is anything, anything at all, that I can do to help her make the transition to the seat outside the Big Office, please do not hesitate to ask. Superb choice!

Brett Topowlski – 3/1/00, 4.43pm

to… Liam O’Keefe

cc…

re… PHWOOOAR!

Seen that temp who’s in for Crutton? Vin picked up her pheromones in no time – I swear that boy’s dick is a divining rod when it comes to muff. Find an excuse to use the copier by her desk, then look at the bird on p46 of Razzle (36DD/aerosol of Anchor Cream/torque wrench). It’s her twin!

Zoe Clarke – 3/1/00, 4.59pm

to… Carla Browne

cc…

re… SLAPPER!!!!!!!!!!!!

Have you seen the Crettin’s temp yet? Talk about cheap!!!! Just saw Vince Douglas dribbling all over her cleavage!!!!!!!!!!!! Can you believe I used to think he was cute? Zxxx

Ken Perry – 3/1/00, 5.08pm

to… All Departments

cc…

re… carpeting

You may have noticed that new carpet tiles went down in reception during the Christmas break. To ensure even wear and tear across the full width of the carpeted area, could employees below the level of group account director please make the short journey from front door to lifts by stepping round the perimeter of the foyer? This will leave the all-important central tread zone for senior management, clients and other visitors.

Thank you for your co-operation.

Ken Perry

Office Administrator

Liam O’Keefe – 3/1/00, 5.36pm

to… Brett Topowlski

cc…

re… PHWOOOAR!

Just clocked her. Registered 9.6 on the Totty Scale. And when she opens her gob she sounds like a Boddington’s bird. Brace yourselves – I happened to get chatting to her – like you do – and she’s coming to BZ with us. Be there in fifteen. Her name’s Lorraine – Lol to her close mates.

David Crutton – 3/1/00, 6.09pm

to… Simon Horne

cc…

re… fucking ghost ship

I just walked our Freedom Catalogues client through our ‘energetic, buzzy creative department’ and it’s like the Mary Celeste down there. Even your hot-shot, Pinki, was rushing out – late for Zen aerobics apparently. I caught that dozy secretary, Zoë, putting on her eyelashes. She said they were all in a research debrief. Bullshit! More likely in Bar Zero researching the tits on my temp.

This is the first working day of a new century. If this carries on, I’ll be more than happy to live up to my trigger-happy reputation. I operate on the tried-and-trusted principle of ‘last in, first out’ (which would put you at number five on the list).

Simon Horne – 3/1/00, 6.42pm

to… David Crutton

cc…

re… fucking ghost ship

I have only this minute stepped out of a heavy meeting with Mako. You are right, this situation is quite untenable.

It is time to apply Timberlands à derrières. Leave it to me.

By the way, Mako is turning into the proverbial smelly one.

Apparently, they bombed our campaign out before Christmas, but even though she is supposed to be running the business, Harriet ‘forgot’ to mention it.

We have already booked Little and Large to appear in the TV spots.

We are up a creek by the name of merde.

Sans paddle.

As if trying to make a car assembled by the Filipino peasantry seem alluring is not sufficiently difficile in the first place.

Si

Simon Horne – 3/1/00, 6.44pm

to… Susi Judge-Davis

cc…

re… teams

Susi, darling, do me a teeny-weeny favourette: have a look-see round the department and tell me if any of my bloody teams are still here?

Harriet Greenbaum – 3/1/00, 6.48pm

to… David Crutton

cc…

re… Mako

Just to keep you in the loop, we’re running into trouble on Mako. Before Christmas, I made Simon aware that our clients would never approve Little and Large, but he remained committed to them. As Creative Director this is his right. However, at today’s meeting they were surprised and disappointed that we were representing the same work.

Time is not on our side. The launch date for their new model is fixed, and we have to present them with a new campaign on Friday.

Susi Judge-Davis – 3/1/00, 6.50pm

to… Simon Horne

cc…

re… teams

Not a soul in sight, I’m afraid, darling … Sx

Harriet Greenbaum – 3/1/00, 6.59pm

to… James Gregory

cc…

re… Mako

You were at the meeting so no need to tell you how deep we’re in it. I suggest you join me for a post-mortem. Grab Katie. She might as well be introduced to the unpleasant realities of advertising.

Simon Horne – 3/1/00, 7.28pm

to… Creative Department

cc…

bcc… David Crutton

re… your careers

A nightmare is developing on Mako.

We have yet to crack Kimbelle Super Dri.

And we are about to embark on the biggest pitch any of us will ever work on.

Why, then, is my department deserted? Am I the only one who gives a tuppenny damn?

Starting tomorrow, I expect to hear the ear-piercing squeak of permanent marker pen on paper as the precious ideas lodged in your crania tumble forth onto layout pads.

And before you bring me the fruits of your labours, ask yourselves just one question:

‘Is it a gold?’

Si

Nigel Godley – 3/1/00, 11.34pm

to… All Departments

cc…

re… anybody out there?

It’s 11.30 and I’m still here, collating timesheets. E me back if you, too, are still ‘at the coal face’!

Nige

Carla Browne – 3/1/00, 11.36pm

to… Nigel Godley

cc…

re… anybody out there?

Yes, I am!!!!!!!!! Who are you? What floor are you on? And can you make those stupid wedge shapes in pie charts on PowerPoint? If you can help, e me immediately – I want to go home!!!!!! Carla on the 4th.

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