Hard to Love

Hard to Love

BY KENDALL RYAN

Published by HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd

1 London Bridge Street

London SE1 9GF

www.harpercollins.co.uk

First published by Kendall Ryan Books 2014

First published in Great Britain by Harper 2015

Copyright © Kendall Ryan 2014

Cover photograph © Tom Merton / Gallery Stock

Cover layout design © HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd 2015

Kendall Ryan asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.

A catalogue copy of this book is available from the British Library.

This novel is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are the work of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is entirely coincidental.

All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins.

Source ISBN: 9781481042444

Ebook Edition © April 2015 ISBN: 9780008134037

Version 2015-04-13

Contents

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Epilogue

Acknowledgements

Read More From Kendall Ryan

About the Author

Tell Me Your Favourite Part

Connect With Kendall Ryan:

Also by Kendall Ryan

About the Publisher

Chapter 1

Cade

Dammit. I knew a four-hour erection wasn’t normal. I shifted uncomfortably in the cab of my truck and debated what to do. The emergency clinic was open twenty-four hours so that wasn’t the problem. It was embarrassment over my condition that had me stalling in the parking lot. But damn, this thing was fucking painful. I tugged on my jeans, trying to create some room and adjusted my erection yet again.

Fuck it. I was going inside.

I stalked across the dimly lit parking lot, trying to walk as normally as possible, but each step tested my sanity.

When I reached the reception desk, an elderly woman looked up and asked if she could help me with something. I struggled to keep a straight face while I explained my problem. She thrust a clipboard of forms at me with a dour expression, not wanting to hear another word. I headed to the waiting room, holding the clipboard in front of my groin.

To make matters worse, Rick, the director I’d been working with on the set, came barging into the emergency room to join me in the waiting area, saying he wasn’t about to let one of his actors go through this alone. Just fucking great.

Once I turned in the paperwork, I focused on thinking about anything that would tame this monster of a hard-on. The Chicago Bears, how much I hated hospitals —anything non-sexual. Nothing helped. It was full-on throbbing by the time they called me back thirty minutes later.

I had hoped for a male doctor, so we could handle this man-to-man, but as I stepped behind the curtained room and saw a young female nurse waiting for me, all my hopes went up in smoke. Rick followed me inside the small room and positioned himself in the corner to observe. I was convinced he was here for the sole purpose of having a good laugh.

The nurse glanced at me, her eyes widened and her breathing hitched. She looked young, too young to be a nurse, and was pretty in an innocent, sweet way that I didn’t normally go for.

‘Hello. Caden Ellis?’ she asked. Her voice was soft and laced with concern.

It took me a second to respond. ‘Cade.’

‘Please have a seat.’ She gestured to the white-paper-covered exam table and began flipping through my chart. ‘My name’s Alexa. I’m a nursing student and I’ll be assisting the doctor tonight. Do you mind if I ask you a few simple questions before we move on to the hard stuff?’ Her eyes shifted nervously to my lap, and I couldn’t help but grin.

‘Sure.’

She nodded astutely. ‘Fine, then. Let’s begin.’ She sat down on the rolling stool beside me and wheeled herself closer. ‘Your weight?’

‘Two-ten.’

‘Height?’

‘Six-one.’

She scribbled it down on her file. ‘And your age?’

‘Twenty-two.’

She bit back a smile, though I didn’t really know why.

Her hair was somewhere between blonde and brown, and she had large blue eyes that matched the color of a crystal-clear sky. She was petite yet shapely, nicely filling out her blue hospital scrubs with curves in all the right places. She had a full rosebud mouth and a small upturned nose, and even in her work uniform she looked polished and put together – giving the impression she’d been raised to be poised and proper. A far cry from how I grew up.

She finished the forms and busied herself with the medical equipment to check my vitals. Even though her presence was professional, it did nothing to help weaken my erection. In fact, I think my damn cock became even harder just to taunt me.

She placed a stethoscope over my heart and listened for several moments before jotting down a few notes. I watched her work, a smile tugging on my lips.

‘So, Cade.’ She smiled up at me with straight, white teeth while she attached a blood-pressure cuff to my bicep. ‘What seems to be the problem?’

Fuck. She was going to make me say it. ‘It’s there…’ I tapped the clipboard she held. ‘On the forms I filled out in the waiting room…’

She looked down, a frown tugging at her mouth. ‘Yes. I see that. But if you could just please explain… um, how this happened. Is this the first time, you’ve, um…experienced this?’

‘I’ve never taken performance-enhancing drugs before if that’s what you’re asking.’ The words from the overplayed commercial rang through my head. ‘If you have an erection lasting longer than four hours, seek immediate medical help.’

I tore my eyes from the thin fabric stretched taut across her chest, but not before she caught me looking. She looked down at her chest to see what I was staring at and frowned. She pulled an oversized Q-tip I hadn’t even noticed from the pocket over her breast. ‘Don’t worry, I won’t be using this on you.’

That wasn’t what had captured my attention, but I was relieved all the same at not being caught ogling her breasts. I felt like a real asshole, sitting here sporting wood and staring at the nurse’s tits. Classy. It was as if my dick thought we were here to pick up a willing participant to ease his discomfort. Sadly, no, little man. I felt his pain. I cleared my throat and looked down.

Alexa worked quickly and methodically, pumping up the arm cuff and pressing her fingers into my wrist to get my pulse while she studied the ticking hands on her wristwatch. I took the opportunity to study her more closely, noticing the way her face held absolute concentration as she worked. She was trying her damnedest not to be distracted by me. It wasn’t the usual effect I had on females.

‘So can you tell me more about when this problem began?’ She glanced down at my forms, which I’d deliberately left vague, jotting down only the most critical issues—name, medical insurance, and oh, yeah, a painful erection. I’d been hoping to speak with a male doctor who’d seen this kind of thing before, not an attractive young nurse, dammit.

I hesitated and Rick laughed. ‘We were beginning our film shoot and my star here got stage fright. I gave him a couple of the little blue pills I keep on hand just in case.’

Her mouth pursed into a pouty frown again as she looked from Rick back to me. I glanced down, motioning to the tense erection straining against my jeans.

‘Oh, my.’ Her hand flew to her mouth and she involuntarily took a step back.

Her response was so honest, so damn innocent, I almost chuckled. Almost. But the majority of my blood supply was sitting south at the moment, which delayed any normal responses.

‘So, wait…what business are you guys in?’

‘Adult entertainment,’ Rick and I answered at the exact same moment.

‘You mean…porn?’ Alexa asked.

I winced.

Rick reached across to hand Alexa a business card. ‘Mrs. X Entertainment,’ he said proudly.

I didn’t explain that it was the romantic, softer stuff, and that the film company had won awards for being female-friendly—the features that had attracted me to working with them in the first place. Because frankly, none of that mattered. It was porn, and that was all she was going to see. She probably figured I was some sort of player or a sex addict. I saw it in her eyes, and there was no use fighting it. It wasn’t like I would ever see this girl again. She would never know about the little girl in my custody, and the mortgage, groceries, and utilities I was responsible for.

After taking a moment to compose herself the nurse jumped into action, grabbing a white paper gown and thrusting it towards me. ‘Here. Get undressed and put this on so that it opens in the front and I’ll be right back.’ She fled the room without another word.

A few days ago when I’d signed on for the whole adult entertainment thing it’d been easy. I showed up and posed for some modeling photos for the website. Wearing just boxers I lounged on a bed with a beautiful girl named Desiree. They had us pose in various positions that grew increasingly intimate—me licking her neck, her nipples, and then her clit. It wasn’t sexual, like you’d think it would be. We had to hold still and hold each pose for several seconds while the camera clicked away, so it wasn’t like I was actually getting her off. I just sort of held my tongue against her. It was…different. And when they’d asked me to shed the boxers, I wasn’t hard yet. Without a word, Desiree—like the pro she was—reached down and rubbed her long, manicured fingers over my package until I was erect. After that I spent another hour posing with her. Modeling was the easy part. It was the filming that would prove to be difficult.

Three Hours Earlier

Rick sauntered over to give me a pep talk. ‘You ready for this?’

I took a deep breath and glanced at the staged set—a white leather couch set against floor-to-ceiling windows in the chic loft the studio had rented. It all felt cold and contrived, but what did I expect? It was just sex. I could do this. It was the one thing I knew for sure I was good at. And most importantly, it paid a lot—enough for me to afford Lily’s medical care.

I pictured her sweet face peeking out over the edge of her quilt when I’d tucked her in earlier tonight. I’d told her Becca was going to babysit and she wouldn’t see me until morning. She’d tightened her lips and nodded. She didn’t like the dark, and sometimes even preferred to crawl into my bed at night, but she was putting on her brave face.

‘Cade?’ Rick asked, pulling my attention back to him.

‘Yeah, I’ll be fine.’

‘That’s my boy. Our actress should be here soon. She’s a new girl. You’ll love her. Young, sweet…’ He made a sucking sound with his lips and his eyes got a faraway look to them. I shuddered. Throwing aside the fact that he was an adult-film director, Rick’s demeanor just screamed sleazy.

I was almost starting to regret my decision to work for him, but visions of dollar signs kept floating before my eyes. Rick had seen me in the boxing ring several times over the previous year, and a few months ago had begun approaching me after matches, promising big money if I was ever interested in working for him. At the time, I laughed it off. But the fights brought in less than steady money and as things got worse with Lily I bit the bullet and decided to give it a shot.

The makeup artist approached, thankfully distracting Rick from whatever perverted thoughts were currently running through his head. I removed my robe at her request and she began airbrushing some type of bronzing spray over my shoulders and chest. I didn’t like the smell of it, but I pushed it from my mind and focused on what I had to do.

‘So the biggest thing for you to remember is control. No money shots until I say so. So if you need to slow down, or switch positions, just go ahead and do it. As long as you don’t come until I give the signal. We need plenty of shots and positions before that can happen,’ Rick reminded me.

‘Got it. Shouldn’t be a problem.’

He laughed. ‘Confident. I like that.’

Confidence usually wasn’t a problem for me, but I couldn’t deny there was a hint of performance anxiety at the thought of having sex with a girl I’d never met, on camera, in front of a roomful of people—lighting techs, director, film crew, and a few others whose roles I didn’t know. I tried not to focus on all that and instead reminded myself about the money Rick had promised me.

‘What about her? Shouldn’t I talk to her first? Find out what she likes, how she gets off?’

Rick laughed, and slapped my shoulder. ‘Silly boy. This is a porn shoot, not a first date. She’ll fake it, so don’t worry about her having an orgasm. Just focus on you.’

I could only imagine what a conversation like that with a stranger might sound like…. So do you like penetration or clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm? God, was I an idiot or what? I was overthinking this shit.

The front door opened and everyone turned. ‘And there she is! Beautiful girl…’ Rick headed over to greet the wide-eyed starlet entering the apartment.

I couldn’t help but notice how scared she looked. And young. Holy shit, was this girl even eighteen? I watched as Rick helped her out of her jacket and steered her by the shoulders over to the makeup chair.

When Alexa returned I was seated on the exam table, the paper gown loosely closed around me. Rick hadn’t offered to leave while I changed. He and a whole room full of people had already seen me buck-naked though, so I figured it didn’t matter much at this point. This whole night just needed to fucking end.

Alexa washed her hands and carefully arranged an ice pack over my groin. I shifted and let out a grunt at the surprise of the coldness, and Alexa’s eyes flicked up to mine. ‘Is it okay?’ she asked, softly.

‘Fine,’ I muttered and bit back the string of curse words I wanted to let rip and adjusted the ice pack so it wasn’t sitting directly on my nuts.

Rick leaned against the exam table and chuckled to himself as if he found our interaction amusing. It was clear I was intrigued by her and the way her eyes wandered the room, desperate to look anywhere but directly at me, or rather at my swollen appendage, she was clearly uncomfortable.

‘You can see why we hired him, huh, sweetheart?’ Rick grinned proudly and elbowed her softly in the side.

Her cheeks flushed pink and she tucked her chin to her chest.

‘Let’s just get on with it,’ I growled. I didn’t care about the exam or being exposed, I just wanted to end her embarrassment as quickly as possible.

I didn’t know why I’d listened to Rick and taken those damn pills. I was attracted to the model he’d hired, that wasn’t the problem. She was very pretty, petite and trim, but she’d looked fucking terrified. I’d tried to make polite conversation before the shoot began, but even small talk was too much for her. She excused herself to the kitchen, where she sat perched on a bar stool, her eyes closed tight, chest rising and falling as she took deep breaths. After she finally talked herself into going through with it, I was so weirded out that I couldn’t even keep my erection up—something that had never been a problem for me before.

I wasn’t about to fuck some girl who was terrified of me. Sorry, not a turn-on. Rick had assumed it was a performance issue, and stupidly I’d accepted the pills from him rather than explaining why I didn’t want to go through with it. Eventually I had to man up and explain the situation to him, but not before the damage was done.

‘So, you’re a porn star?’ Alexa asked, her eyes flicking up to mine briefly before darting away again.

She was as nervous as a field mouse in a stampede. ‘Does that bother you?’ I bluffed. She didn’t need to know that this was my first ever film and I hadn’t even followed through. Besides, she’d already judged me. No sense in trying to defend my honor.

Her eyes met mine again and held. ‘No.’ Her voice sounded sure, but I couldn’t help noticing the blush creeping up her neck to color her cheeks. I wouldn’t be all that surprised to learn she was a virgin, with how self-conscious and unsure of herself she was. All the more reason to stay the hell away from her.

Watching her work, her small hands moving about to care for me stirred something inside. It’d been a long time since someone had taken care of me.

The doctor strode into the room—male, late-forties, and strait-laced, which put me at ease.

After covering the basics—that I’d taken two of little blue pills even though only one was recommended and yes, I’d been fully erect going on four and half hours now—the doctor, thankfully, got right down to business, opening my robe. The swollen appendage jutted out in front of me, proudly saluting the doctor and Alexa.

‘There he is!’ Rick beamed proudly. This dude was twisted. Why the hell was he so interested in my cock? Sure it was above average, I knew that much. After Rick had approached me about starring in one of his movies, I’d looked up the statistics online and measured myself, just out of curiosity. It was much larger than average according to what I’d read online. But still, his interest was creepy. I reminded myself that he dealt with the human body all day long and that he was just thinking about the money I could make him when he looked at it, but that didn’t mean I liked another man eyeing my dick with such enthusiasm.

My eyes flicked up to watch Alexa’s expression. Bad fucking idea. Her mouth had dropped open, and her chest was heaving with shallow breaths. I practically felt her gaze caressing me.

‘Is he family?’ the doctor asked, gingerly inspecting me.

‘Nope.’

The doctor tipped his head to the door, motioning to Rick. ‘Would you mind stepping out of the room, sir?’

‘Sure thing, Doc.’ Rick nodded. ‘I’m out of here just as soon as you tell me there’ll be no permanent damage to the money maker.’

The doctor looked up at him, not amused. ‘He’ll live. Now please go.’

Apparently satisfied by the doctor’s answer, Rick gave me a wink, patted my shoulder and exited the room.

‘So how exactly do you treat this?’ I was almost afraid to ask.

Alexa’s eyes shifted to the floor, like she knew I wasn’t going to like the answer. Not good.

‘I’m going to give you a dose of medicine—a combination of a steroid and a muscle relaxant to see if that will return things to normal. You’ll take these orally and we’ll wait about thirty minutes. If that doesn’t work, I may have to insert a thin needle into the shaft and extract blood manually.’ The doctor made a few notes in my file and left the room.

I swallowed down a lump in my throat. The fucking pills had to work. I wouldn’t be able to handle him bringing a needle anywhere near my dick without punching the poor guy in the face.

Alexa returned a few minutes later with a tiny plastic cup containing two pills and a cup of water for me. I downed the pills and water in a single gulp. Once again, she arranged the ice pack on my lap, her hand brushing against my dick, which made it jump. I saw her bite her lip to avoid smiling.

‘Thanks,’ I muttered, passing the cup back to her.

‘You’re welcome. Sit tight and I’ll be back to check your progress in a little while.’

I’d never been so happy to go soft in my entire life, but twenty minutes later my erection slackened and I hopped down from the exam table and began dressing. Just as I was pulling on my jeans, Alexa came back to check on me.

The look of surprise on her face stopped me short.

‘I think I’m good to go,’ I explained.

Her eyes travelled down the length of my body, stopping once they reached the no-longer-straining bulge in my jeans. ‘Oh.’

‘Thanks for everything.’ I grabbed my jacket from the chair, and started past her. Her hands darted out and pressed against my chest. ‘You can’t just leave. Dr. Chancellor wanted to um…talk with you, about your, um, lifestyle. And see if we could offer STD testing.’

I laughed. ‘Thanks anyway, but I’m good.’ I barely had time to date, let alone have sex, but when I did I always used a condom. Not to mention that Rick insisted I get tested as an agreement to work for him. All I wanted to do now was get home, check on Lily, and forget this whole night ever happened. ‘Okay. Be safe,’ she said, and stepped out of the way as I fled past her, ready to put the whole experience behind me.

Chapter 2

Alexa

When I woke and fumbled for my cell phone to check the time, I was shocked to discover it was already four in the afternoon. I stretched and flung back my duvet, sighing because despite the late hour, my body was so not ready to leave my heavenly soft pillowtop.

Working the midnight shift was wreaking havoc with my system. Each night I worked the late shift, I woke later and later in the afternoon. At least I had tonight off—it was my twenty-first birthday, and I was going out with friends later. I could only imagine what MacKenzie had planned. That girl, though I considered her my best friend in nursing school, was trouble with a capital T.

I sat down at my vanity and brushed out my hair. The bags under my eyes needed attention too, so I dotted on some eye cream before securing my hair back in a ponytail.

My parents didn’t understand why I worked so hard. Money certainly wasn’t the motivator—my family had more than we’d ever spend in a lifetime—but I wanted something more for myself. Something I was good at and kept me busy. Their only goal for me was to meet a wealthy, well-bred man and become some sort of Stepford Wife, a desire we did not share. A life like that sounded incredibly boring to me. And if my mother’s afternoon combination of happy pills and wine-spritzers were any indication, it was a life spent unfulfilled. No thanks.