The Christmas Sisters: The Sunday Times top ten feel-good and romantic bestseller!

CHAPTER TWO

Beth

MOTHERHOOD WAS KILLING HER.

Beth was trying in vain to extract her children from their favorite toy store when the call came. For a moment she felt guilty, as if she’d been caught doing something she shouldn’t.

She’d promised Jason no more toys, but she wasn’t good at saying no to the girls. Jason continually underestimated the persistence of children. No one could chip holes in a person’s resolve like a determined child. Please, Mommy, pleeeease—

She found it particularly difficult because she badly wanted to be a good mother and had a more than sneaking suspicion that she wasn’t. There was, she’d discovered, an annoying gulf between intention and reality.

She grabbed her phone and coaxed Ruby away from yet another oversize fire truck, this one with flashing lights and blaring horns that was no doubt the brainchild of a young single man with no children.

The number wasn’t one she recognized, but she answered anyway, reluctant to pass up what might be an opportunity for adult conversation. Since having children, her world had shrunk, and Beth felt she’d shrunk with it.

These days she was willing to befriend anyone who didn’t want to talk to her about problems with eating, sleeping or behavior. The week before, she’d found herself prolonging a conversation with someone trying to sell her car insurance even though she didn’t have a car. Eventually they’d hung up on her, which had to be a first in the history of cold calling.

“Hi there.” Her phone was sticky and she tried not to think about the provenance of the substance stuck to her phone. Melly’s favorite treat? When Beth had been pregnant, she’d resolved never to give her kids sugar, but that, like so many other resolutions, had evaporated in the fierce heat of reality.

“I want the fire truck, Mommy!”

As usual, the children ignored the fact she was on the phone and carried on talking to her. There were no breaks from motherhood. No commercial breaks, no bathroom breaks and certainly no phone breaks.

Her needs were right at the bottom of the pile.

Beth had always known she wanted children. What she hadn’t known was how much of herself she’d have to give up.

She turned away slightly so she could hear what the person on the other end was saying.

“Beth McBride?” The voice was crisp and businesslike. A woman with a purpose, ticking this call off her to-do list.

Once upon a time Beth had been that woman. She’d luxuriated in the glamour and glitter of Manhattan. Energized by the frantic pulse of the city, she’d thrived. It had been like trying on a dress and discovering it fitted perfectly. You never wanted to take it off. You wanted to buy two in case you damaged one and somehow tarnished the perfect look.

And then one day you woke up and discovered the dress was no longer yours. You missed it. You saw other people wearing it and wanted to tear it from their bodies.

“This is Beth McBride speaking.”

McBride.

No one had called her that in years. These days she was Bethany Butler.

“Beth, it’s Kelly Porter from KP Recruiting.”

Beth would have dropped the phone had it not been for the sticky goo welding it to her palm.

Before having children, Beth had worked in public relations for a number of beauty companies. She’d started at the bottom but had rapidly worked her way up, and Kelly had found her at least two of her roles.

“Hi, Kelly. Good to hear from you.” Beth smoothed her hair and stood a little straighter, even though it wasn’t a video call.

She was Beth McBride, someone who took calls from recruitment agencies.

“I have something you might be interested in.”

Beth was interested in anything that didn’t squeak, leak or leave marks on the floor, but for the life of her she couldn’t understand why Kelly would be calling her.

She and Jason had talked about her going back to work at some point when the children were older. Now that Ruby was in preschool, it was time to have that discussion again, but Beth usually found herself too exhausted to put together a case.

And then there was the part of her that felt guilty for wanting to leave the girls.

“I’m listening.”

“I understand you’ve had a career break.” Kelly’s tone suggested she classified such a thing in the same group of unfortunate life events as typhoid and yellow fever.

“I’ve taken time out to focus on my family.”

Beth extracted the princess outfit from Melly’s hand with a shake of her head. Melly already had a closetful of princess outfits. Jason would go insane if she bought another one, especially this close to Christmas.

“Have you heard of Glow PR?” Kelly ignored the reference to family. “The team is young, dynamic and making a name for themselves. They’re looking for someone with your profile.”

What exactly was her profile?

She was a wife, a mother, a cook, a cabdriver, a cleaner, a play leader and a personal assistant. She could clean spaghetti sauce off the walls and recite all of Ruby’s picture books without lifting them from the shelf.

On the wall next to her was a mirror surrounded by enough pink and glitter to satisfy the most demanding wannabe princess. The mirror might look like something out of a child’s fairy tale, but there was nothing fairy tale about the reflection staring back at Beth.

She had dark hair, and her few early attempts to dye it a lighter shade had convinced her that some people were meant to be brunette. Right now she had perfectly coordinated dark patches under her eyes, as if nature was determined to emphasize how tired she was.

Beth had once thought she knew everything there was to know about beauty and how to achieve a certain look, but she knew now that the best beauty product wasn’t a face cream or an eye balm—it was an undisturbed night’s sleep, and unfortunately that didn’t come in jars.

“Mommy—” Ruby tugged at her coat “—can I play with your phone?”

Whatever Beth had, Ruby wanted.

She shook her head and pointed to the fire truck, hoping to distract her younger daughter.

Ruby wanted to be a firefighter, but Beth thought she’d be better suited to being in sales. She was only four years old but could talk a person into submission within minutes.

“Ms. McBride?”

“I’m here.” The words came out of her mouth, pushing aside the words she’d intended to say. I’m a stay-at-home mom now. Thanks for calling, but I’m not interested.

She was interested.

“The company is headquartered right here on Sixth Avenue, but they have a diverse network and a bicoastal presence.”

A bicoastal presence.

Bethany’s imagination flew first-class to the West Coast. Today, a toy store. Tomorrow, Beverly Hills. Hollywood. Champagne. A world of long lunches, business meetings where people actually listened to what she was saying, glamorous parties and being able to use the bathroom without company.

“Mommy? I want the fire truck.”

Beth’s brain was still luxuriating in Beverly Hills. “Tell me more.”

“They’re growing fast and they’re ready to expand their team. They’d like to talk to you.”

“Me?” She bit her tongue. She shouldn’t have said that. She should be projecting confidence, but confidence had turned out to be a nonrenewable resource. Her children had stripped hers away, one sticky finger at a time.

“You have the experience,” Kelly said, “the media contacts and the creativity.”

Had, Beth thought.

“It’s been a while since I was in the business.” Seven years to be exact.

“Corinna Ladbrooke asked for you specifically.”

“Corinna?” Hearing her old boss’s name stirred up a tangle of feelings. “She’s moved company?”

“She’s the one behind Glow. Let me know when you have an opening. I can arrange for you to meet everyone.”

Corinna wanted her? They’d worked together closely, but Beth had heard nothing from her since she’d left to have children.

Corinna wasn’t interested in children. She didn’t have them herself, didn’t want them, and if any of her staff were foolish enough to stray into the realms of motherhood, Corinna chose to ignore it.

Ruby started to whine and Beth stooped to pick her up with one arm, automatically checking that her daughter was still holding Bugsy. Nothing parted Ruby from her favorite soft toy and Beth was careful not to lose it.

Would she worry less about the children if she had a job?

She was too anxious—she knew that. She was terrified of something bad happening to them.

“Kelly, I’m going to need to call you back when I’ve taken a look at my schedule.” It sounded more impressive than it was. These days her “schedule” included ferrying the girls to ballet class, art class and Mandarin immersion.

“Do it soon.” The phone went dead and Beth stood for a moment, her head still in fantasy land and her arm in the dead zone. How was it that children seemed to increase in weight the longer you held them? She put Ruby down.

“Time to go home.”

“Fire truck!” Ruby’s wail was more piercing than any siren. “You promised.”

Melly was rifling through the dress-up clothes. “If I can’t be a princess, I want to be a superhero.”

I want to be a superhero, too, Beth thought.

A good mother would have refused and proffered a clear explanation for her decision. The children would then have left the store feeling chastened and with a greater understanding of the value of money and the concept of delayed gratification, as well as behavior and reward.

Beth wasn’t that mother. She caved and bought both the fire truck and another dress-up outfit.

Loaded down with two happy children, an armful of parcels and a nagging feeling of maternal failure, Beth stepped out of the store onto the street.

To see Manhattan in December was to see it at its wintry best. The dazzle of lights in the store windows and the crisp bite of the winter air mingled together to create an atmosphere that drew people from around the globe. The sidewalks were crowded, the population of Midtown swollen by visitors unable to resist the appeal of Fifth Avenue in the festive season.

Beth loved Manhattan. After she’d graduated, she’d worked for a PR company in London. When they’d transferred her to their New York office, she’d felt as if she’d made it, as if simply being in Manhattan conferred a certain status. When she’d first arrived, she’d been torn between euphoria and terror. She’d walk briskly down streets with familiar names—Fifth Avenue, Forty-second Street, Broadway—trying to look as if she belonged. It was fortunate she’d been living and working in London prior to the move, otherwise the contrast between the noise levels of New York City and her home in the remote Scottish Highlands would have blown both her mind and her eardrums.

Every day she’d walk down Fifth Avenue on her way to work feeling as if she was on a film set. The excitement of it had more than compensated for any homesickness she might have felt. So what if all she could afford was a tiny room where she could touch both walls without leaving her bed? She was in New York, the most exciting city on earth.

Through marriage and two children, that feeling hadn’t left her.

Their apartment was bigger now and they had more disposable income, but other than that, nothing much had changed.

Holding tightly to Ruby’s hand, Beth called Jason to tell him about Kelly, but his assistant told her he was in a meeting.

Only then did she remember he had a major pitch that day and a busy week ahead. Would he be able to make time to take care of the children if she went to meet Corinna and the team?

“Mommy—” Ruby hung on her hand, the pressure making Beth’s shoulder ache “—I’m tired.”

Me, too, Beth thought. “If you walk faster, we’ll soon be home. Hold Bugsy tight. We don’t want to drop him here. And don’t walk too close to the road.”

She saw accidents everywhere. It didn’t help that Ruby was a fearlessly adventurous child with no apparent sense of self-preservation or caution. Melly was virtually glued to Beth’s side, but Ruby wanted to explore the world from every angle.

It was exhausting.

Beth wanted to work for Glow PR. She wanted to walk along Fifth Avenue without needing to be alert to potential disaster. She wasn’t the first mother to want both work and family. There had to be a way to make it happen.

Jason’s mother lived nearby, and Beth was hoping that if she found a job, Alison might be prepared to help out with childcare. Melly and Ruby adored Jason’s mother. Beth adored her, too. Alison defied all the mother-in-law clichés. Instead of resenting Beth as the woman who stole her only son, she welcomed her like the daughter she’d never had.

Beth was sure Alison would be delighted to help, which left the small problem of finding a job.

Did she have what it took to impress Corinna after seven years out of the game?

She felt woefully unequipped to return to the corporate world. She wasn’t sure she was capable of conducting an adult conversation, let alone dazzling people with creative ideas.

Maybe she should call her sister. Hannah would understand the lure of a career. She worked as a management consultant and seemed to spend most of her life flying first-class round the globe being paid an exorbitant amount to fix corporations unable to fix themselves.

They were due to meet up the following night, and Beth had been meaning to call and confirm.

Hannah answered in her usual crisp, no-nonsense tone.

“Is this an emergency, Beth? I’m boarding. I’ll call you when I land if there’s time before my meeting.”

How are you, Beth? Good to hear from you. How are Ruby and Melly?

Beth had always wanted to be close to her sister and wasn’t sure whose fault it was that they weren’t. It had got worse lately. Regular dinners had become less regular. Was it her fault for only having the children to talk about? Did her own sister find her boring?

“Don’t worry.” Beth tightened her grip on wriggling, writhing Ruby. It was like trying to hold hands with a fish, but she didn’t dare let go or Ruby would end up under the wheels of a cab. “We can talk tomorrow over dinner. It’s not urgent.”

“I was going to call you about that— No champagne, thank you, I’m working. Sparkling water will be fine—” Hannah broke off to speak to the stewardess and Beth tried to suppress the stab of envy.

She wanted to be in a position to turn down champagne.

No, thanks, I need to keep a clear head for my meeting where I will say something important that people want to hear.

“You’re canceling on me again?”

“I have a job, Beth.”

“I know.” She didn’t need reminding. And here she was, a stay-at-home mom with a growing complex that was fed and nurtured by her more successful sister. She tried not to think about the lamb marinating in her fridge or the extravagant dessert she’d planned. Hannah ate at all the best restaurants. Was she really going to be impressed by her sister’s attempts at Christmas pavlova? Whisked egg whites were hardly going to change the world, were they? And was Beth really so desperate that she needed the approval? “Where are you off to this time?”

“San Francisco. It was a last-minute thing. I was going to text you right after I finished this email.”

It was always a last-minute thing with Hannah. “When are you back?”

“Late Friday, and then I’m off to Frankfurt on Sunday night. Can we reschedule?”

“This is a reschedule,” Beth said. “In fact, it’s a reschedule of a reschedule of a reschedule.”

The rustle of papers suggested Hannah was doing something else at the same time as talking to Beth. “We’ll fix another date. You know I’d love to see you.”

Beth didn’t know.

What she knew was that she was the one who put all the effort into the relationship. She often wondered whether Hannah would bother to get in touch if Beth were to give up trying. But she would never give up. Even though Hannah frequently drove her crazy and hurt her feelings, Beth knew how precious it was to have family. She intended to hang on to hers even if it meant leaving fingernail imprints on Hannah’s flesh. “Have I offended you in some way? You always have some excuse not to see us.”

There was a pause. “I have a meeting, Beth. Don’t take it personally.”

Beth had a horrible feeling it was as personal as it could get.

Like Corinna, Hannah didn’t do children, but this was more than that. Beth was starting to think her sister didn’t like Ruby and Melly, and the thought was like a stab through the heart.

“I’m not overreacting. You’ve pulled away.” Corinna had been her boss—there was no obligation on her to like Beth’s children, but Hannah was their aunt, for goodness’ sake.

“We’re both busy. It’s difficult to find a time.”

“We live in the same city and we never see each other. I have no idea what’s going on in your life! Are you happy? Are you seeing someone?” She knew her mother would ask her, so she considered it her duty to be an up-to-date source of information. Also, she was a romantic. And then there was the fact that if Hannah had a partner they might see more of each other. The four of them could go out to dinner.

But apparently it wasn’t to be.

“This is Manhattan. It’s crowded. I see a lot of people.”

Beth gave up trying to extract information. “Ruby and Melly miss you. You’re the only family that lives close by. They love it when you visit.” She decided to test a theory. “Come over next weekend.”

“You mean to the apartment?”

Beth was sure she hadn’t imagined the note of panic in her sister’s voice. “Yes. Come for lunch. Or dinner. Stay the whole day and a night.”

There was a brief pause. “I’m going to be working right through. Probably best if you and I just grab dinner in the city one evening.”

A restaurant. In the city. A child-free evening.

Beth scooped Ruby up with one arm, feeling a wave of love and protectiveness.

These were her children, her kids, her life. They were the most important thing in her world. Surely her sister should care about them for that reason if nothing else?

The irony was that because Hannah rarely saw them, the girls saw her as a figure of glamour and wonder.

Last time Hannah had visited, Ruby had tried to crawl onto her lap for a hug and Hannah had frozen. Beth had half expected her to yell Get it off me! In the end she’d removed a bemused Ruby and distracted her, but she’d been hurt and upset by the incident. She’d remained in a state of tension until her sister had left.

Jason had reminded her that Hannah was Hannah and that she was never going to change.

“Fine. We’ll grab dinner sometime. You work too hard.”

“You’re starting to sound like Suzanne.”

“You mean Mom.” Beth unpeeled Ruby’s fingers from her earring. “Why can’t you ever call her Mom?”

“I prefer Suzanne.” Hannah’s tone cooled. “I’m sorry I’m canceling, but we’ll have plenty of time to catch up over Christmas.”

“Christmas?” Beth was so shocked she almost dropped Ruby. “You’re going home for Christmas?”

“If by ‘home’ you mean Scotland, then yes—” Hannah’s voice was muffled as she said something else to the stewardess—I’ll have the smoked salmon and the beef—

Beth might have wondered why her sister was ordering smoked salmon and beef when they both knew she’d take two mouthfuls and leave the rest, but she was too preoccupied by the revelation that her sister would be home for Christmas. “You didn’t make it last year.”

“I had a lot going on.” Hannah paused. “And you know what Christmas is like in our house. It’s the only time we all get together and the place is a pressure cooker of expectation. Suzanne fussing and needing everything to be perfect and Posy blaming me when it isn’t…”

It was so unusual for Hannah to reveal what she was thinking that Beth was taken aback. Before she could think of an appropriate response, Hannah had changed the subject.

“Is there anything in particular the girls would like for Christmas?”

The girls. The children. Hannah always lumped them together, and in doing so, she somehow dehumanized them.

Beth knew her sister would delegate gift buying to her assistant. It would be something generous that the girls would forget to play with after a week and Beth would be left with the feeling that her sister was compensating.

She thought about the fire engine currently smacking against her leg as she walked and knew she wasn’t exactly in a position to criticize anyone for overcompensating. “Don’t buy anything that squeaks or emits sirens in the middle of the night. And spend the same amount on both of them.”

She kept a mental tally and watched herself constantly to check she wasn’t showing a preference, that she wasn’t admonishing one more than the other, or showing more interest in one than the other.

Her children were never going to feel their parents had a favorite.

“I am the last person you need to say that to.”

In that brief moment, she and her sister connected. That single invisible thread from the past bound them together.

Beth wanted to grab that connection and reel her sister in, but the blare of horns and the general street noise made it the wrong place to have a deeply personal conversation. And then there were the listening ears of the girls, who missed nothing.

“Hannah, maybe we could—”

“What are they into at the moment?” With that single question, Hannah chopped the connection and floated back to that safe place where no one could reach her.

Beth felt a pang of loss. “Melly wants to be a ballerina or a princess, and Ruby wants to be a firefighter.”

“A princess?”

Beth heard judgment in her sister’s tone. “I buy her gender-neutral toys and tell her she could be an engineer and apply to NASA, but right now she just wants to live in a castle with a prince, preferably while dressed as the Sugar Plum Fairy.” She didn’t bother adding, “Wait until you have children and then you’ll know what I’m talking about.”

No matter how much their mother longed for Hannah to fall in love and settle down, anyone vaguely grounded in reality could see that was not going to happen.

CHAPTER THREE

Hannah

PREGNANT.

Hannah closed her eyes and tried to control the panic.