The Grand Tour Guide to the World
Copyright
WARNING
Some of this book is factual but most of it isn’t. Many of the observations are incorrect and the advice idiotic. The Grand Tour accepts no responsibility for anything that happens to you as a result of following tips or imitating actions you read about in these pages. Basically, it’s your fault if you get thrown out of the first-class lounge/an aeroplane/France.
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First published by HarperCollinsPublishers 2017
FIRST EDITION
© W. Chump & Sons Limited 2017
Cover layout design © HarperCollinsPublishers 2017
Cover photographs Stuart Pettican © Amazon Prime Video. All other images © Shutterstock.com
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Source ISBN: 9780008257859
Ebook Edition © October 2017 ISBN: 9780008257842
Version 2017-09-27
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Introduction
Origins of the Grand Tour
Pit Stop 01 – USA
Motoring Facts from Around the World
Postcard from the Tent – Johannesburg
Pit Stop 02 – Portugal
The Greatest Car-Making Countries on Earth
Postcard from the Tent – Victorville
Pit Stop 03 – Jordan
Postcard from the Tent – Whitby
Pit Stop 04 – Italy
Postcard from the Tent – Rotterdam
Pit Stop 05 – Wales
Pit Stop 06 – Morocco
Postcard from the Tent – Stuttgart
Pit Stop 07 – Namibia
Postcard from the Tent – Dubai
Pit Stop 08 – Germany & Austria
Postcard from the Tent – Nashville
Pit Stop 09 – Barbados
Postcard from the Tent – Kakslauttanen
Pit Stop 10 – France
Postcard from the Tent – Loch Ness
The Celebrity Brain Crash Machine
The Grand Tour Puzzles
Series 2 … The Tour Continues
Index
Picture Credits
Corrections and Mistakes
About the Publisher
People often say, ‘It’s a small world.’ But if you asked them to walk from Berlin to Cape Town they’d probably make a huge fuss and insist on taking an aeroplane. That’s because the world is, in fact, massive. It can also seem a strange and daunting place, but not if you have the right guide. And that’s where we come in. No one is more seasoned at crossing the world than The Grand Tour. No one has been through more airports, stayed in more hotels, spoken to more local people and learned more indigenous words for ‘sorry about this’. That’s why The Grand Tour is uniquely placed to show you around some of the high spots of this huge world of ours and to share with you our wisdom, our skills and our holiday photographs. This book is not just an indispensable guide. In fact, it’s not an indispensable guide at all. A lot of the information in it is wrong and possibly dangerous. We’re not sure. Even so, whenever you’re travelling, be certain to keep this book close to you – and as long as you only look at the pictures you should be fine. Remember, it’s a big world out there, and we’re all somewhere in it. Except astronauts.
CLARKSON, HAMMOND & MAY
Originally, a Grand Tour was a 17th- to 19th-century pursuit in which, say, three chums would find themselves at a loose end for whatever reason and would agree to travel together to foreign lands for the purposes of cultural and spiritual enrichment, and also to find out if the Aston Martin DB11 was any good. Before departing one of the friends might say, ‘Look, this isn’t completely convenient for me. I’m supposed to be making a Christmas special about 1970s toys,’ and the other two would reply, ‘Oh for God’s sake, James. How long does that take? Get a bloody move on,’ and then the two idle friends would wait for a bit, and then for a bit longer while their third friend spent a week packing his clothes very neatly into a leather suitcase, and then they would away on their travels.
‘WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU’RE OFF TO MAKE A PROGRAMME ABOUT PUTTING THINGS BACK TOGETHER??’
Their destinations might be many and varied, often inspired by a map on the wall of their new office in the Chiswick area of London, which they would look at until they found somewhere that sounded interesting, perhaps having checked what was to be found there using an information source such as The Encyclopaedia Wikipedia. Having established that somewhere was interesting, the chums would set off and before you knew it they would find themselves in Italy, where they would attend displays of local art and sculpture and visit the opera, apart from one of the friends who would perhaps behave like the kind of total moron who thinks Cosìfan tutte is ice cream.
for he did manie powre slydes
Perhaps soon after, the chums would find themselves in the north of France, which is very underrated actually, especially if you like drizzle, and here one of the friends might devote his time to visiting a local adult souvenirs emporium, where he would purchase a very rude item for the purposes of making an unhelpful directional aid for one of his colleagues while ignoring the gentleman behind the counter who was saying the French for, ‘Ah, hello, sir. It’s been a while since we’ve seen you in here.’
After this, the friends’ Grand Tour adventure of learning and enrichment and dicking about might take them to Morocco, where the noisiest of the friends would not shut up about terrible Italian things, or they might move on to the exotic climes of the Caribbean to do something that didn’t seem especially relevant, or they might even find themselves in Jordan, where they would challenge themselves and would say to themselves only a long time afterwards, ‘Oh heavens, this hasn’t gone down very well at home.’
The purpose of the Grand Tour was not only to educate and inform, it was also to generate entertainment, ideally about 12 to 13 hours of it. Having achieved this in a single year, the friends might then agree to do it again the following year but in different places, and perhaps the slow, slightly boring one would say, ‘I’d like to be the fast one who shouts for a change,’ and his friends would say, ‘Shhh, James. Don’t spoil it.’
PIT STOP 01
USA
a.k.a.
GOLDEN STATE
Former Governors of California include Ronald Reagan and Arnold Schwarzenegger. By 2022, Californians expect to welcome Governor Kardashian.
Population:
39 MILLION
If California were a country, it would have the sixth-largest economy in the world. If California were a country it would also, like, ohmyGurrrd, have way cooler bank notes and stuff.
THE OFFICIAL STATE SLOGAN IS, ‘OH, LIKE, WOW, HAVE YOU LOST WEIGHT?’
California produces most of America’s peaches, dates, avocados and insincerity.
Currency:
US DOLLAR
California has been immortalised in film many times with movies such as L.A. Story, L.A. Confidential, Beverly Hills Cop and Miss Marple Goes to Compton.
Famous people:
EVERYONE
Northern California is home to Silicon Valley whereas Southern California is home to silicon mountains.
Capital:
SACRAMENTO. NOT LA. DON’T SAY LA. IT’S NOT LA. OR SAN FRANCISCO.
BEHIND THE SCENES
Hundreds of cars, thousands of people, a legendary band, and three old men in shirts. That’s what made up the big opening for the first series of The Grand Tour. Oh, and months and months of planning. Sometimes, even this show plans stuff.
The Breitling Jet Team making one of three passes over the stage. Looked simple, actually required the main road in the background to be closed. To the right, this is James’s ‘Ooh, I’ve seen a plane’ face.
The specially made sign of fire for what Jeremy christened the ‘Burning Van’ festival. Because what you need in the desert are more hot things.
Yes, that’s a Merlin aircraft engine in a vintage Rolls-Royce. As you can see, it’s pure May bait.
Looks like a hellish vision from an apocalyptic near-future. Actually built by a bunch of bright, articulate and super-polite engineers. So maybe the apocalyptic future won’t be so bad.
The audience get excited. Apart from that bloke with the beard and sunglasses.
Before filming starts, Jeremy gets inexorably drawn towards a man with a massive V8.
A rat-rod truck behind a fleet of new cars. The up-to-date stuff was sourced direct from manufacturers.
Our triumphant trio get up on stage in front of the crowd for the first time. An insults contest broke out shortly afterwards, much of which had to be edited out of the final show.
A dragon with a petrol engine. Obviously. Much of this stuff usually stars at the Burning Man festival.
Clarkson spots The Grand Tour photographer, May does some light flamenco.
LESSER-KNOWN SONGS ABOUT
The Golden State has inspired a great many musicians over the years. Here are some California-themed songs that you might not have heard of.
THE GRANDEST OF OPENINGS
IN JEREMY’S HEAD (PHONES)
The very first sequence of The Grand Tour episode 1 might well be one of the most enormous opening scenes ever attempted by a television show.
Yet the origins of this massive spectacle came from a very small place, which was the music player on Jeremy’s phone. Normally this is a dark and unsettling place full of rock dinosaurs and 19-hour flute solos but in this case it yielded gold.
Clarkson had been wrestling with how we should announce the arrival of the new show until the moment he clicked upon Hothouse Flowers’ version of ‘I Can See Clearly Now’. From there the whole narrative – leaving London in the rain, arriving in sunny LA to a bright new beginning, a drive through the desert, the gathering up of a huge flotilla of vehicles, the arrival at a massive cars and music festival – flowed from his mind, as a fully formed and inspired thought. Having a thought is one thing, however. Making it all a reality wasn’t so easy. Organising all the cars that would make up the amazing Mad Max cavalcade took several months of work inside a ‘war room’ at GT HQ in London, its walls covered in pictures, maps and diagrams. And it wasn’t just the cars themselves; it was finding people who could drive them, and who could be schooled in the discipline of holding position while camera cars and filming helicopters swirled around them in a thick pall of dust.
The presenters themselves would be in a trio of supercars, starting with Jeremy in the new Ford GT. But when that car wasn’t available in time the team hatched a plan B involving three tuned Mustangs. Well, we were in America.
Then there was finding a desert location for the ‘festival’. A suitable spot was found and all the relevant permissions granted, only for it to become clear that even this vast tract of land wasn’t big enough to secure decent shots of the entire flotilla blasting across the landscape. So what you see in the final cut is the convoy driving across two different desert locations, stitched together by TV magic so that they appear seamlessly to pull up to the stage and the crowd around it.
Getting the timing right for this last segment wasn’t easy either. In one smooth movement the convoy had to come to a halt while Jeremy, Richard and James continued through the crowd in their Mustangs, got out and walked up onto the stage just as Hothouse Flowers wrapped up their song. Get it wrong, and the whole sequence would need a time-consuming re-set of cars, cameras and people.
To add another layer to the mix, the show got wind that the Breitling Jet Display team were at an air show down the road and asked if they’d mind popping over for a fly-past. Or rather three fly-pasts, since this gave more opportunities to get the shots.
Over 200 people were involved in the filming of that day, not including the vast and heroically upbeat audience who stood in the heat all afternoon, whooping and cheering long after their voices had gone hoarse.
Thankfully everything went to plan and the sequence played out just as it had appeared in Jeremy’s head, back when he first randomly found an old song on his phone.
TITLE SEQUENCE CAR LIST
When planning the massive opening sequence for the start of a brand new television show, it’s important to have certain things. An epic desert location. A stage upon which a band can perform a classic and catchy song. A fast Mustang for each of your presenters. But it’s also a good idea to have other cars. Lots of other cars. Lots and lots of other cars. So that’s what we did. These are they…
Alfa Romeo 4C, Arctic Cat Wildcat X, Ariel Nomad, Aston Martin V8 Vantage S, Audi R8, Baja Jeep, Bentley Continental GT V8 S, BMW i8, BMW M5, Cadillac CTS-V, Cadillac CT6, Class I Baja buggy, Dodge Challenger Hellcat, Ford F-150 Raptor, Ford F-150 sand rail, Ford F-450, Ford Focus RS, Ford Ranger off-road truck, Freightliner Pikes Peak, Jaguar F-Type SVR, Jeep Crew Chief 715, Jeep FC-150, Lamborghini Aventador SV, Lotus Elise, Mazda Miata Super20, Mercedes-AMG GT S, Mercedes G65 AMG, Mitsubishi Evo X Battlecar, Morgan 3-wheeler, Morgan Roadster, Need for Speed Porsche 911 Widebody, Nissan GT-R, Porsche 911 Carrera, Rolls-Royce Ascot Tourer, Vuhl 05, and the off-road Dodge Charger, Fast Attack Buggy and Plymouth Road Runner from the Fast & Furious movies. In case you’re interested, the presenters’ cars were: Jeremy: Galpin Fisker Ford Mustang Rocket; Richard: Ford Mustang Shelby GT350R; James: Roush Stage 3 Mustang. Oh, and the planes were Aero L-39C Albatrosses flown by the Breitling Jet Team.
3 MINUTES WITH …
JEREMY CLARKSON
A rapid-fire Q&A with the former local newspaper journalist turned Grand Tour presenter
HELLO, JEREMY.
Yes, yes, yes, hello. Have you seen my reading glasses?
Aren’t they –
This is literally the millionth pair I’ve lost. Where do they all go? It’s James, isn’t it. James is stealing them. He’s a thief, you know.
But I think they’re –
It’s literally impossible for any human being to keep a pair of glasses for more than 10 seconds and I’ve realised this is literally all the fault of James May.
They’re on your head.
Most things in life are, when you get down to it, the fault of James May. War, pestilence, disease, being unable to find the place where they keep the teaspoons in someone else’s kitchen – all May’s fault in some way or other that we’ve yet to fathom. I know I’m right on this one.
Yes, but in this case your reading glasses are on your head.
What?
They’re on your head.
Yes, I knew that.
So, first question …
Yes, he is.
What?
Yes, he is. James May. Is he a thief? Yes, he is. I assume that was going to be your first question. Is James May …
Um, Richard Hammond …
What? Is James May Richard Hammond? What a stupid question. Did you go to journalism college?
No, the first question was going to be, ‘Richard Hammond: can you describe him in three words?’
Can they be swear words?
Not really.
No.
I’m sorry?
My answer is no. Can I describe Richard Hammond in three words? If they can’t be swear words then, no, I can’t. Literally impossible.
Oh. What about James May?
No, I imagine he wouldn’t be able to either.
No, I mean, can you describe James Ma-
Oh for God’s sake, where are my glasses?
You’ve put them back on your hea-
May! MAY!
Jeremy leaves the room. From the office next door there is some shouting. Jeremy returns to the room.
He says he hasn’t taken them, but I know he has. A thief. A common thief, that’s what he is. Right, what were you saying?
Well …
From outside there is a protracted clattering sound.
What was that?
Don’t worry, it was probably just Hammond falling down the stairs.
Falling down the stairs?
Yes, he does it all the time. Nothing to worry about.
Are you sure?
No, but I can’t be bothered to get up again.
Oh, okay. Um, shall we get back to the questions?
Okay, to answer your question, yes, Richard Hammond is a type of swear word. At least, he is in this room. I’ll give you an example of what Richard Hammond means in this room: ‘Oh no, I’ve just stepped in a Hammond.’ By which I mean, ‘dog turd’.
Why would there be a dog turd in this room?
An actual dog turd, or Richard Hammond?
No, I … never mind. Next question, can you sum up The Grand Tour in three words?
Yes. ‘The’. ‘Grand’. And ‘Tour’. It’s already three words. You’re really not paying attention, are you?
Well, it was more of an abstract question.
I literally don’t know what you mean. Literally. You’re just wasting time.
Speaking of which, I think our time is up.
Good, because I need to find my glasses. I put them somewhere safe.
They’re on your head.
Yes, I know. Now please go away.
MOTORING FACTS
FROM AROUND THE WORLD
IN ITALY A DRIVER MUST KEEP AT LEAST ONE HAND ON THE WHEEL AT ALL TIMES, UNLESS EATING A HOT MEAL.
In Senegal you must have a hat in your car at all times, although not for the normal reasons.
In Uzbekistan it is illegal to run over your mother, unless it is a weekday.
If you stop at a T-junction in northern Sweden you must remember to shout ‘BRONCO!’ out of your car window.