The Reavers

On which tender note we end Chapter Two, with our Heroine in bittersweet turmoil, Gilderoy off with her bijouterie, and Kylie wondering hopefully if he’s got a younger brother, maybe. Elsewhere the surviving Charltons are emerging from the ditch, demanding Band-Aids and revenge, and as for Archie Noble’s supper … but let’s not talk about food just yet, for in a cave under the dreaded Eildon Hills things are happening which would ruin the keenest appetite…

Chapter 3

The Eildons are those three peculiar eminences, rather like green slagheaps, which you see on crossing the border at Carter Bar. They’re just hills, but there’s something not quite canny about them in that regular landscape, and you’re not surprised to learn that legend links them with sorcery and black magic, for it was here that a celebrated medieval necromancer, mathematician, and Scotsman-on-the-make, Michael Scott, known locally as Mike the Magic, cast some of his best spells, when he wasn’t blinding the experts with legitimate science at the universities of Bologna, Toledo, Paris, and Oxford. He must have been pistol-hot, academically, but however sound he was on Aristotle, astronomy, and long division, his forte was wizardry, and long after his day the Eildons continued to be a sort of social centre for alchemists, witches, thaumaturges, Satanists, and enough supporting fiends and goblins to stock a Dennis Wheatley novel.

Especially in the sixteenth century, which is why we now approach the fearsome triple hills with wary tread, chewing garlic and muttering “Tripsaricopsem’ to ward off evil spirits, for it is still dead o’ night, and bitter cold wi’ sleet and wind, and as we stumble through the gullies, leaping three feet whenever a bat squeaks or a sheep rumbles, and Fearsome Shapes seem to come and go in the murk, frankly we’d rather be in Philadelphia. But this is where the plot is happening, down there in a dank and dismal cave at the very roots of the Eildons, where five sinister figures are seated about a boardroom table of polished black basalt, in the centre of which a cauldron has been sunk; it bubbles fitfully, and green steam wreathes along its rim – but this, like the ultra-violet fog carpeting the floor, and the spark-shimmering red glow visible in the arches ’neath the Exit and Toilets signs, is really no more than set-dressing to terrify the tourists. Likewise, the five s.fs. round the table may be eccentric, but they’re not supernatural, being perfectly ordinary Villains hatching the usual diabolic scheme of fiendish normality – mind you, it’s a pip, if we do say so, but there’s nothing necromantic about it, just political skulduggery on an earth-shattering scale which, if it succeeds, will play havoc with the history of our tight little island. Let’s look them over.

First, at the table head, looking like an emaciated Gandalf, is the Wizard – silver hair to his waist, a face that would split kindling, glittering eyes, long bony black gloves, gown of cobra fur covered with cabalistic signs, etc. But if his appearance is outlandish, there’s nothing other-worldly about the framed diplomas and group pictures hung on the nitre-streaked walls of his lair: honorary degrees from St Andrews and Tarzana, autographed likenesses of Ibn Khaldun, Cagliostro, and Roger Bacon, a pennant inscribed “Hold ’em, Yale”, and a colour print of the All Souls Come Dancing team with the young Wizard in a sequined jacket in the front row.

On his right at the table sits a paunchy, oily, utterly repulsive specimen in Gaudy Finery, hairy fingers a-glitter with gems, yellow jowls quivering and piggy eyes disappearing in folds of flesh as he munches candies from a silver comfit-box and washes them down with copious draughts of Malaga. Robert Redford he’s not, but the Spanish Ambassador to Scotland, Don Collapso Regardo Baluna del Lobby y Corridor, scion of one of the noblest houses of Castile and ancestor of at least one memorable Viceroy of the Indies in the next century.* He is perspiring freely, conscious that as an accredited envoy he’s got no business to be here, but orders are orders, so he has snuck down privily from Edinburgh, disguised as a prop forward for the Escurial Inquisitors who are due to compete in the Langholm seven-a-sides (a rotten pretext in his opinion, but it was King Philip’s personal brainwave, so who’s arguing?). Dropping off the team bus at Hawick, disguised in domino and snow-covered boots, he has made his way across country to this summit of evil.

Opposite him sits the reigning Scottish Traitor of the Year, Lord Anguish. Left to ourself, we would have dressed him in normal garb of the period, but since this is an American co-production he has got to wear a full outfit of the MacDali tartan, with a soft-watch sporran, red whiskers, golfing stockings, and a three-foot feather in his tam-o’-shanter. A ghastly sight, but wait till he starts talking, hoots awa’ wi’ ye and whigmaleeries being the least of it. He is half-drunk, and lolls och-ing and aye-ing in his chair, dunking a haggis sandwich in his goblet of Chivas Regal.

Fourth man up is an inscrutable monk, cowled, habited, and betasselled, whose marzipan features and beady currant eyes betray no emotion save when fanaticism grips him – at autos da fe, Inquisitorial interrogations, and Real Madrid home games – and his mask-like face hardens into cruelly ascetic lines, his currants glitter with a baleful light, and his lips contract into steel-trap implacability. Yes, Mr Pickwick one minute, Peter Cushing the next, that’s Frey Bentos, and you won’t be surprised to learn that he isn’t really a cleric at all, but an operative of the Spanish secret service, former head of their New World bureau (hence his Deep South accent), and now the Escurial’s top banana in charge of Operation Heretic, as the new super-plot is officially called. For several years Frey Bentos has been a mole, under cover as chaplain to old Lord Waldo Dacre at Thrashbatter Tower, where he ministers to the peasants, organises garden fetes, emcees concerts, and trains the pensioners’ bowling club, while secretly furthering King Philip’s vile machinations and waiting for Der Tag, or rather, La Dia. Lord Waldo had no idea what a tarantula was running his Sunday School; nor will Lady Godiva when she moves in. A worrying thought, but that’s the devildom of Spain for you.

Fifth – well, fourth-and-a-half really, since he’s an Amazon pygmy – is Clnzh, a squat, misshapen mannikin complete with blowpipe, poisoned darts, and designer loincloth. Frey Bentos found him on top of a motel wardrobe while on leave in Acapulco, and if a South American savage seems a bit over the top for the border country, well, Clnzh adds a bit of colour, and you’d have been pretty let down if we’d made him an Etterick and Lauderdale district councillor. But isn’t he a bit conspicuous, you ask, tooling about Tudor Britain in war-paint and feathers? Not at all; being small, hairy, and ugly enough to break mirrors, he is perfect casting as a local brownie or goblin, with which the frontier was infested in those days (see W. Scott, The Black Dwarf). Clnzh sticks to Frey Bentos like plaster, but seldom speaks, letting his blowpipe do his talking for him; he is barely house-trained, and has just had to be restrained from drinking the cauldron.

So there they are, and before anyone notes that two of them are Hispanic and a third ethnic minority, we must point out that this is the sixteenth century, when the heavies were invariably Spaniards devoted to the overthrow of Anglo-Saxon culture, religion, institutions, and everything True Blue, so we simply cannot give our villains a balanced racial mix. Anyway, come on, one of them’s Scotch. God knows what the wizard is, but he’s a British resident, and you can bet that’ll be enough for the Inland Revenue.

And now things are happening: the steamy surface of the cauldron is clearing, developing snowy lines, crackling with static (some damned goblin using a hairdryer close by), and finally settling in a sharply defined picture of two people crouched over a roulette wheel, their eyes intent on the spinning goolie. One is a nondescript male in a feather bonnet, doublet and trunk hose, with a straggling beard, goggle eyes, and slobbery lips; as the ball rattles into its slot he gives a cackling cry of “Bingo, new shoes for the bairn!” But none of the five viewers minds him; their eyes are focused on his companion, a voluptuous brunette of sultry mien whose gold lamé halter and jeans are visibly creaking under the strain of her steatopygous charms. Her crimson lips twist in a contemptuous smile as her grotesque companion rakes in the chips. The Wizard adjusts the fine-tune on the cauldron and speaks.

“The Isle of Man casino. Note the three-legged croupier in the background, and, if I turn up the volume, the roar of 750 cc Hondas and Yamahas.” He fiddles the controls and the picture freezes on a close-up of the gloating punter in the feather bonnet. “How say you, senors – is’t a true likeness?”

Don Collapso pursed doubtful lips. “He dozzn’t look mooch like the Kinga Scotland to me.”

“No?” purred the Wizard. “And what says our Scots friend?”

Lord Anguish belched, stirred, and peered blearily at the cauldron. “Nivver saw the man before in ma life!” he declared.

“You are certain?” said the Wizard dangerously. “Look again, drunkard! Look well.”

Lord Anguish paled beneath his ginger whiskers, blinked, took a quick shlurp of Chivas Regal, and changed his mind.

“It’s him!” he cried. “Hullaw rerr, Jimmy, hoo’s it gaun, son? I mean, God bless Your Majesty! Hey, but, whit’s he daein’ in the Isle o’ Man? It’s no’ Gleska Fair Week yet, surely?”

The wizard smiled cynically and turned to the monk. “Frey Bentos?”

“Ah seen worse lookalikes,” conceded the master spy, shrugging beady eyes. “Sho’nuff, he might impersonate His Scottish Majesty indifferent well, if he kin do th’accent an’ slobber convincin’ly. The way Ah heerd it, no one’s bustin’ a gut to git close to King James anyhow, so Ah guess this impostuh could git by.”

“Eez he revolting enough?” wondered Don Collapso. “I mean, onteel you’ve eaten weeth the Scotteesh monarch, you ain’t seen-a nothin’! I sat nex’ heem at a Holyrood banquet … boy, talk about Friday night at the abattoir! Deez-gusteeng!”

The Wizard stabbed a talon-like finger at the cauldron image. “He has been trained for years, coached to perfection in Parliamo Glasgow and all aspects of Scottish culture. Our leading experts in drooling, stammering, and eye-rolling have tutored him to a point where I am sure he will nauseate even such an outstanding slob as yourself, Don Collapso.” He glanced at the ambassador, who was cramming a fistful of sweetmeats between liver lips, and shuddered. “And his Latin pronunciation is perfect – wayni, weedy, weeky, and so forth.”

Lord Anguish surfaced, waving a doubtful haggis sandwich. “Aye, but is he bent? Gay, ye ken – ambisextrous. A’body kens Jamie the Saxt is the original chocolate moose. Whit aboot that?”

The Wizard frowned. “In that respect, I admit, our impostor has proved a disappointment. He showed not the slightest interest in a screaming pansy introduced to him during training – an agent known, incidentally, as the King’s Quair.”

“You mean King’s Queer, surely?” objected Frey Bentos.

“No, Quair,” said the Wizard. “He was an Irish pansy. However,” he continued, “it boots not, since the real king is not averse to female company also. Mind you,” he added, glancing at the cauldron-screen, which now showed the plume-hatted impostor slavering lustfully as he poured roulette chips down the cleavage of his statuesque companion, “’twere well if we fed that little blighter bromide before he reaches Scotland, or people may start wondering.”

“Who’s thee beembo?” asked Don Collapso, smacking eager lips.

“That, senors,” said the Wizard significantly, “is none other than the Castilian hidalga whose skill and daring as a secret agent are known and feared from the Indies to Cathay, the Mata Hari of Manzanilla, mistress of disguise and intrigue, she who set up the fatal hit on Henri Quatre of France, filched the industrial secret of caviar from Ivan the Terrible, and brought the Paris ambulance service to a standstill on St Bartholomew’s Eve! Yes, senors,” and his eyes shone with admiring glitter, “’tis she, none other, La Infamosa!”

There were startled gasps around the table, and even Clnzh stopped toying with his girdle of shrunken heads. “La Infamosa!” they whispered. “Wow! Por los Entranos de Dios! So that’s what she looks like! How d’you disguise those, for Goad’s sake? La Infamosa! An’ I colled her a beembo! Well, if that doan’t beat fried chicken!” etc. The Wizard switched off the cauldron and rapped sharply on the table.

“Enough, senors! It sufficeth that La Infamosa is bringing this impostor to our border country where,” he leaned forward, glinting evilly, “the real King James is about to begin one of his periodic hunting and reiver-hanging trips. Thus the scene will be set for the first stage of our master-plan, Operation Heretic, which will consist of the secret substitution of our impostor for the Scottish monarch. Full details of how this switch, codenamed Jimsnatch, is to be accomplished, are contained in dossiers which you will collect at the door on your way out; nothing has been overlooked. Aye, senors – only a few days hence, we shall have the authentic James the Sixth under wraps, while our impostor will be lording it in Edinburgh and occupying the royal box at Murrayfield, unsuspected by any!”

“And then?” Don Collapso gulped Malaga with wolfish eagerness.

“Then!” quo’ the Wizard, rising to his full skeletal height, sparks flying from his silver coiffure, “then, when the bastard Queen of England turns up her toes – Ah, God, let it be soon! – our impostor will succeed to the English throne! Think of it, senors! Our man in Whitehall, wi’ power unlimited! In no time flat under orders from the Madrid hotline, he will have the English state on the brink of collapse! First,” he chuckled malevolently, “he will alter the county boundaries, then decimalise the currency, make them drink beer by the litre, introduce comprehensive education, bring in hordes of asylum-seekers, subvert the heretic Church of England with gospel singers, undermine the national diet with garlic and peppers, cause psychedelic music to be played in their pubs, dribble away their sovereignty to foreign powers, and even,” his voice sank to a grating whisper, “install a baseball diamond at Lord’s.” A gasp of awe-struck amazement greeted this diabolic proposal. “The fibre of the English will be shredded to tatters! They won’t know who they are, even! Aye, where the great Armada failed, thanks to the endemonised Drake and the abominable disinformation of those villains Fishe and McCaskill, our great Operation Heretic will be a stone-ginger shoo-in!”

“Hallelujah an’ Opus Dei!” interposed Frey Bentos, getting all fanatical. “Yes, sirree, an’ the way’ll be paved for peaceful takeover by our good ole boy King Philip an’ the True Faith! ’Fore yuh kin skin a cat, the red’n’gold bannah of Castile will be a-wavin’ an’ a-flutterin’ o’er the Tower o’ London, they’ll be standin’ in line for bull-fights at Wembley, an’ con-fused Anglo-Saxons will be drivin’ on the right-hand side an’ takin’ wrong exits with the road-signs bein’ in Spanish an’ all! Yes, suh!”

Delighted exclamations sounded round the table, Don Collapso choked with glee on his Malaga, Clnzh gibbered in savage triumph, and only one cautionary belch marred the general jubilation.

“Haud on a meenit,” cried Lord Anguish, looking owlish as he voiced the national pessimism. “Are we no’ a wee thingy pree-mature? Ye’ll substitute this impoaster fur Oor Jimmy, ye say – but suppose some o’ oor guid Scots lords sees the difference an’ blaws the whustle oan him –”

“You will see to it that they don’t!” snapped the Wizard. “By judicious distribution of gold and unlimited Cutty Sark – why, half the Scottish nobility are crooked anyway, or crazy enough to sell their souls for a Partick Thistle season ticket, and the other half will go along just for laughs. They would, in their own parlance, boil their grannies down for soap!”

“Aye, a’ right!” quavered Anguish. “But even if ye get oor nobility tae recognise the impoaster – or raither, no’ tae recognise him,” he added, sniggering, “are ye sure he’s up tae the job? Does he ken the wurrds of ‘Flower o’ Scotland’, for instance?”

“He sings it in his bath!” snapped the Wizard. “Word perfect!”

“Aye, weel, naebuddy in Scotland is,” sniffed Lord Anguish, “so ye’d better tell him tae forget them pronto.” He inhaled another portion of dunked haggis and slipped comatose from his chair.

“La Infamosa shall be informed,” said the Wizard. “Nay, senors, nought shall go amiss – our plan is silky smooth and lubricated to perfection. But should some unforeseen impediment occur, know that a secret mini-Armada, manned by Mediterranean football hooligans, is e’en now lying off the Solway coast disguised as peaceful shrimp-shooters, ready to invade at a given signal and spread fire, sword, and Continental diseases throughout the Borderland. But it won’t come to that,” he added confidently. “Any questions so far?”