Souvenir

EIGHT

Meg sat in the kitchen Saturday morning, coffee in hand, notebooks stacked on the table before her. Brian had gone for his usual Saturday breakfast with his cronies, first dropping Savannah at Rachel’s so they could go … someplace; Savannah had told her, but Meg, distracted by the diaries and her ambivalence about reading them, had passed Savannah off to Brian and thought no more about her plans.

The house was peaceful now, which made it easier to decide to try reading an entry or two. Just to prove to herself that they were frivolous, that she could throw the whole lot away without regret.

She paged through, sampling the entries, surprisingly compelled to turn the pages. Even the shortest of her mother’s comments revealed pieces of her past – their past – she hadn’t seen before.

June 8, 1985

Meggie’s been hired on at the bank. We need her here, but we need her there, too. Or somewhere that pays good. The Lord knows the money will be useful! We had to let our health insurance lapse, so I just pray none of us takes sick. Blessed Mother, watch over us all.

So they’d gone without insurance; the very thought of it was frightening, even long after the fact. She remembered her mother’s pinched face from back then, the worry lines ringing her mouth and wrinkling her forehead. It hadn’t mattered how early Meg got up in the morning, her mother was always up before her. No matter how late she stayed up, her mother was still up too. Little wonder her mother’s blood pressure was high.

‘June eighth …’ she said. The day she met Brian.

Her first day of work at Hamilton Savings and Loan. Her training was set to begin at ten, but first she was required to meet her boss – Brian, who was the owner’s son, only six years older than herself. Belinda Cordero, head teller, led her to his office doorway and disappeared, leaving her feeling self-conscious and somehow wrong for this moment in time, as if she’d been dropped into the scene by mistake. Her real life was waiting in the paddocks – horses that needed to be exercised, tack that awaited repair. She wanted to bolt.

Brian was sitting at a desk that looked older and more distinguished than he was. He wore an off-white linen jacket and a pastel pink shirt, à la Sonny Crockett from Miami Vice. His hair was longish and styled just right, meant to dazzle all the women and show the men he was on top of the trends.

He sat back and waved her in. ‘Hi, come on in, Meg. I’m Brian Hamilton.’

She took three small steps and stopped. His office smelled of old leather and young ambition, embodied by an expensive cologne she would forever associate with him. She took one more step and stopped.

Brian folded his hands behind his head. ‘Welcome. We’re glad to have you as part of the Hamilton team. Eileen tells me you’re a rising senior at North Marion High?’

‘That’s right.’

‘Good in math?’

She nodded. She did her best to keep eye contact, the way her father had told her she should, but it was hard. Brian kept smiling at her as if he knew that her black polyester skirt and ruffled brown blouse came from a thrift shop. Her shoes, too – though she hoped he couldn’t see them while she stood there in front of his desk. It was the same outfit she’d worn for her interview the week before, and she suspected Ms Guillen had told him everything.

She’d gotten the job out of sympathy, she was sure. Everyone in Ocala seemed to know how tenuous things were for the Powells; her father broadcasted his failures as loudly as his successes, afternoons at the co-op. She had applied for a position with the janitorial staff, the job advertised in the Ocala Star-Banner, but during her interview with Eileen Guillen, director of human resources, she’d talked about her plan to study accounting after she graduated. Because of that, instead of cleaning floors and toilets in the historic building that Adair Hamilton had rebuilt right after the 1883 fire, Meg would become a part-time teller. ‘We like to give our people the best possible start,’ Eileen had told her. ‘’Specially those who need it most.’

Brian said, ‘I like math a lot, myself. My degree’s in economics, and I’ll have my MBA soon. Do you plan to go to college?’

‘I hope to.’

‘Terrific.’ He clapped his hands, an exclamation point. ‘We like our people to be motivated beyond all this marble and brass.’ He stood and offered his hand. ‘It’s great to have you here. I know Belinda’s waiting for me to turn you back over to her, so I’d better let you go.’

At first Meg thought she’d rather be cleaning toilets; working as a teller meant being visible, presentable, and this was a challenge for a girl whose best clothes were jeans and T-shirts without patches or stains. She and her mother scoured the thrift stores for decent professional wear with some success, but being dressed up in skirts and heels every afternoon was like wearing a costume. A costume that wasn’t quite as nice as the ones the other tellers wore. Brian went out of his way, though, to help her feel like she was a valuable part of the Hamilton team – that’s how he always talked about the tellers, as a team. If her white blouse was dingy because they’d run out of detergent, he overlooked it. If the fake leather on the heels of her shoes was peeling away, he overlooked that too. Was she good with people? Was she careful with procedures and funds? Those were the things that mattered. By the time school started again, her senior year, she’d been converted to permanent employee status, which Belinda said was ‘super high praise’.

Brian made a point to befriend her. He would find her during her breaks, ask the occasional question about their farm or her family, her boyfriend, her aspirations in life. She thought he did this with everyone – they all talked about what a hands-on manager he was, how he was destined to be a big success – and only learned later that he’d singled her out. Sometimes he joined her and a few of the other employees at the Trough, after work – a treat she allowed herself only every other Friday. Carson never went. ‘Too many guys with ties,’ he joked. She went anyway, wanting to fit in if she could. They all talked about their career goals, and once, she admitted that her dream job wasn’t in finance at all, but in medicine. Maybe veterinary, maybe human, she wasn’t sure. ‘I’m used to doctoring everyone and everything already,’ she’d said. ‘My sisters, the horses, our cats … I’ve helped with foaling – and I even gave our pony stitches once.’

Brian slapped the tabletop. ‘Then do it,’ he said, surprising her. ‘Figure out what you want and how to make it happen, and do it.’

But surely he knew how impossible that was for her, for any Powell girl. Every paycheck she earned went to her parents, to help pay for groceries. Trying for medical school of either type was as futile as trying to use her arms to fly.

Brian. He’d known so well how to play her, when the time came.

NINE

At their Nettle Bay villa, Carson watched Val and Marie-Louise, the ambitious French real estate agent Val had picked, pore over photos and property fact sheets on the patio’s café table. He knew he should be as immersed in the activity as Val, knew by the way she kept looking over at him, sitting on the rattan chair to her right, that she thought the same thing. And he wanted to be. He wanted to be fully focused on ideal elevation, proximity to the best surf, amenities such as built-in pools and spas and breeze-catching screened rooms. But his seditious mind kept moseying back in time, to the evenings when he and his father had sat at their square kitchen table and sketched out plans for a very different new residence, one he’d share with a very different girl.

He could see it, as clear as if it happened last week instead of twenty years ago: his dad looking young and capable in the heavy twill pants and cotton button-up shirt he always wore to work in the groves; the kitchen light, a cone-shaped pendant, hanging above the table’s center, its circle of golden light on their outspread papers; his mother singing some ’60s tune while she updated the books at the desk nearby – the Carpenters, he thought, hearing her contralto in his memory. And Meg, sitting close at his left, pushing her long hair off her shoulders and smiling at him, at the future they were drawing with a wooden ruler and pencils sharpened with a knife.

How different a scene that was from what came later.

He remembered his twenty-second birthday, long after the breakup, months after Meg’s wedding in ’89. George Pappas, his good friend and would-be guitarist, had taken him out for lunch and a few beers. They were waiting at a red light in George’s faded brown Chevelle, Pearl Jam blasting on the aftermarket stereo. He didn’t notice the glossy red sports car pulled up alongside the left of them at first. Four or five – or six? – beers since lunch had made him almost oblivious, to his surroundings and to the fact that he was spending another birthday without Meg. It was the first since her marriage, but who was counting?

‘Hey,’ George said, tapping his window. ‘Isn’t that Meg?’

Carson turned at the same moment she looked over, her hand pressed to the glass; they stared at each other as if George wasn’t seated between them, as if they weren’t passengers in two different cars, separated by window glass and harsh words and wedding vows.

George started to roll down his window. What did he think, that they’d all just have a nice little chat? That she’d wish him a happy birthday and throw a kiss? But then the arrow turned green, and the Porsche pulled out, turning left.

George whistled. ‘Nice wheels, eh, bro?’ he said, as the car moved farther and farther away from them, disappearing into the Ocala twilight. ‘She did pretty well for herself.’

‘Fuck you,’ Carson said.

He was jarred back to the present when Val elbowed him. ‘Carson! I think this is the one!’

He cleared his mind of the memories of Meg so that he could be, instead, with the woman he was reasonably sure would marry him. Sitting up straighter, he leaned in to see what Val was looking at. ‘Yeah? Let’s see.’

Val passed him a fact sheet for a charming blue-roofed house, its stucco exterior and arched doorways reminiscent of South Florida’s Caribbean-influenced architecture. Or rather, the Florida homes mimicked the ones here in St Martin, which were influenced by French tastes – which of course was true about many structures in the West Indies. This was, he decided, the architectural circle of life, Caribbean version. It could be a reality show.

Marie-Louise said, ‘That one, it’s in Terres Basses – “lowlands” en français. It is très exclusif.’

For three-point-five million US dollars, it ought to be, he thought.

‘That’s where we were looking yesterday morning,’ Val reminded him.

‘Alors, there is a view of the Caribbean Sea from the stone pool and spa – so nice for romantic soirées, no?’ Marie-Louise smiled her ingratiating smile. ‘But if you get company – maybe your real estate agent, yes? – you have four guest rooms, three baths – and your kitchen, well, it is magnifique!’

He fought to keep from rolling his eyes. Marie-Louise reminded him of the kinds of women he tried hardest to avoid. She would make an ideal host for his imaginary reality show, he decided, viewing Caribbean properties with wealthy couples and booting off the islands anyone whose net worth turned out to be less than ten million dollars.

‘Carson loves to cook, right, Car?’ Val said.

‘“Loves” might be a little strong.’

‘He’s being modest. He’s terrific in the kitchen – his Thai food is killer. Men should be self-sufficient, don’t you think?’

‘Oh, oui,’ Marie-Louise said. ‘They must cook and clean and make the money – it’s what we do, non?’

‘Equality,’ Val said, nodding.

‘L’égalité,’ Marie-Louise agreed, both women looking at Carson.

‘I’m all for it. I’ll cook, and Val can do the dishes.’

‘Not!’

‘Spoken like a twenty-first-century princess.’ Carson smiled. He’d known how Val would respond – she was useless in the kitchen, capable of little more than pouring cereal and pouring wine. It was part of her charm.

‘The Princess de la Mer,’ Marie-Louise declared.

Val took the fact sheet from him. ‘And this house looks like the perfect princess hideaway. What do you think, Car? Want to go see it?’

He considered what might happen if he said no, if he told her he thought dropping any million on a vacation house felt ridiculous and unreal and contrary to what his life was about – not that he could fully define ‘about’; he considered how her smile would falter, replaced by confusion over his uncharacteristic – to her – behavior. She’d never seen him pessimistic or witnessed one of his ‘philosophical jags’, as Gene liked to call the lapses into dark introspection that seemed to sneak up on him now and again. He hadn’t had one since hearing that Meg’s mother had died so suddenly last September, just before he and Val met. Val wouldn’t know what to do with that Carson, much as he usually didn’t know himself. And maybe it was unfair to marry her without her having witnessed one of the spells – though he’d told her about them. Maybe he should make her see his full range, first.

Or maybe, in marrying her, he would effectively short-circuit his melancholy side and they’d live happily ever after. He stood, reached for Val’s hand, and said, ‘Let’s go.’

A few minutes later he trailed the women down a flagstone path to where the real estate agent had parked her late-model Mercedes. The reality of his surroundings – the ridiculous blue of the Caribbean sky, the palm trees so perfect they hardly looked natural, the sculpted shrubbery, the flash of the $79,000 diamond on Val’s left ring finger as she swung her arm – this reality was not the one he had planned for, growing up. It was not the reality he thought he was built for. Yet here he was. He trusted that if he tracked all his life’s events or decisions in the long sequence that had led him to this moment, this reality, it would all make sense. It had to: he was getting too jaded, too tired of the rock-star life to maintain its status quo. This vivacious young woman in front of him in her faded denim short-shorts and snug pink tank wanted to marry him. She was, if not exactly the sort of woman he once thought he’d spend his life with, a very appealing alternative. So, barring brain damage or death, in four weeks they’d return to the island with wedding apparel, parents, and friends, and get the deed done.

Maybe then, he thought as he held the car door open for Val, he could put the past behind him for good and all.

TEN

When Kyle called her Saturday night, Savannah pretended to be busy with family – her dad’s birthday gathering, she lied. Rachel had taught her by example how to string a guy along at first, to get him more interested. ‘But, thanks for calling! Sorry I can only talk for like ten minutes,’ she said.

‘Nah, that’s cool. Nice that they still like having you around.’

‘Yeah,’ she said, wishing they truly did. This morning it seemed like her mom wanted anything but her company, and her dad spent the whole drive to Rachel’s on the phone. ‘So what are you doing?’

‘Thinkin’ of you.’

‘Seriously,’ she said, turning on her stereo, low, so he’d hear background noise.

‘Way seriously. I think about you all the time. I feel like we … you know, like maybe we belong together.’ He laughed. ‘You think I’m a dork, right? But it’s just … you have this amazing effect on me. I can’t wait to see you in person.’

She tried not to give away how flattered she was, though from the sound of it, he didn’t need more stringing along. From the sound of it, he was hooked. What a relief; she wasn’t good at all the boy–girl game-playing that came so naturally to other girls.

‘Yeah, well, I’m really looking forward to seeing you, too,’ she said. ‘Where should I get a room?’

They talked about hotels, and then he asked if she was getting a rental car from the airport.

‘Oh – well … do I have to? Because, um, it’s kind of a hassle driving in Miami, right?’ Especially without a license to allow a person to rent a car in the first place.

‘True,’ Kyle said. ‘I usually let one of my brothers do the driving. So whatever – we can pick you up.’

‘Or there might be a shuttle.’

‘Or you can, you know, bunk with us at my brother’s place, right? If you wanted to save some bucks, I mean.’

‘I can afford a hotel,’ she said. She knew enough to not plan to stay in an unfamiliar city with someone she’d met over the Internet, no matter how great he seemed so far. ‘Thanks, though.’

She asked him about his brothers (he had two, both older and both ‘making the parents proud’), and then they talked about what sorts of things they could do in Miami, including topless tanning, if that was her thing. Not that he was expecting it, not at all. And no, it wasn’t exactly legal. But girls did it. ‘If something like that appeals,’ he said, ‘well, you’re so gorgeous you could fit right in with the other babes on the beach.’

Gorgeous. No one ever called her gorgeous before.

She was savoring the compliment when Kyle said, ‘So, I want to make sure you really do have the bucks for the trip.’

‘Yeah, definitely,’ she assured him, wanting to sound independent, mature. ‘I’ve got tons of money in savings –’ cause my parents, they’re paying for school.’ This wasn’t a lie, they were paying for her private high school. And they’d be paying for college when the time came. ‘So yeah, money’s no trouble. What about you? If you needed, I could help you out.’

‘What, me? Hey, no, I’m good.’

‘Are you sure?’ she asked. He sounded like he was trying to cover.

‘I don’t want to take your money. Anyway, I’ll be bunking with my brothers and all, so it’s cheap for me.’

‘Okay. But I’m definitely paying for my own food and stuff.’

He laughed. ‘One of those liberated girls, right? Hey, I’m good with that. I admire independence – which is why I’m not taking money from my parents anymore.’ He and his parents didn’t quite see things the same way, he said, and so he’d broken ties with them. ‘Good that you didn’t have to go to that extreme.’

Savannah was impressed by his strength of conviction. She said, ‘So far. My parents don’t really get me either, though, you know? Luckily, if things get bad there’s always my trust fund to live off of.’ Part of her dad’s obsessive financial-planning strategy, not accessible until she was eighteen – but of course she didn’t say that part.

‘That is lucky,’ Kyle agreed.

They talked a minute or two longer, during which he told her again how he couldn’t wait to see her, and how he already felt like they were so right for each other. ‘I’ve never felt this way about a girl so soon, you know?’

‘Never?’ she asked, skeptical but wanting to believe.

He said, ‘Trust me, you aren’t like everybody else. You’re special, and I dig that, I see it – bet every other guy does, too.’

When she got off the phone she was glowing – she went to her mirror and checked.

ELEVEN

Sunday morning wasn’t going well. Forty-one-year-old Cristina Lang’s labor had slowed to a crawl after fifteen trying hours, and Meg watched the fetal monitor with narrowed eyes, her mouth a grim line on her pale face. The baby’s heart rate had been fluctuating for the last hour, and was now in a steady downward trend. In a voice low enough that only Susan, the labor nurse, could hear, Meg said, ‘You’re right: I don’t think we have any choice. Get her prepped.’

To the sweat-covered mother-to-be she said, ‘Cristina, you’ve worked awfully hard, but I think we’re going to have to take over. Your cervix doesn’t want to finish dilating, and I’m not sure why yet, but your little guy’s getting stressed. We don’t want to see him suffer any long-term effects, okay?’

Cristina’s husband Martin, a stocky man whose landscape company did Meg’s yard maintenance and many of her neighbors’, looked alarmed. ‘Take over? You mean she can’t have a natural birth?’

‘I’m sorry,’ Meg told him. ‘It was worth trying, but her failure to progress and the slowing fetal heart rate suggest that the baby’s having trouble.’ She turned to Cristina. ‘Sometimes even the most prepared moms have to go with plan B. Susan is going to get you all set up, and I’ll see you in the OR in just a few minutes.’

Cristina reached for Meg’s hand. ‘He’s okay? My baby, he’s going to be all right?’

‘He should be fine, as long as we get him out soon. Try not to worry.’

‘Okay,’ the woman nodded, and Meg read the relief in her eyes. ‘Okay, good.’

Meg squeezed her hand, then gave Martin’s shoulder a pat as she moved past him and out of the room to head to the OR. Her mind was focused on the task ahead as she walked down the hallway and around the corner. When she stumbled just before reaching the door to the OR suite, she recovered her balance quickly and went on to get herself ready to deliver the baby.

She ran the hottest water she could stand and scrubbed all along the ridges of her nails and the creases in her hands. Having to use a scalpel to finish Cristina’s job was regrettable but necessary, and she looked forward to the moment when she would lift the slippery infant out and hand him over to the nurse, a fresh miracle hot and pulsing with the force of all life. The regular opportunity to witness a child’s first shocked breath was why she chose obstetrics; nothing was more wondrous, more startling or fantastic. Every healthy child was a symbol of possibility. All these new tiny people she helped enter the world reminded her that her own life was not terribly significant – and made it easier for her to forget her own disappointments.

Keith, the portly scrub nurse whose own wife was due to deliver their first any day, pushed open the door. ‘We’re just about set. You ready, Doc?’ he asked.

She turned off the water with her elbows. ‘Be right there.’

He nodded and stepped back into the operating suite. Meg glanced through the window as she dried off, considering the baby’s position, previous scar tissue on Cristina’s uterus, how much time had passed since she’d made the decision to operate. Emergency C-sections were her least favorite part of her occupation, the riskiest of all procedures just by their nature. The mothers required general anesthesia, the babies were always in distress – these surgeries felt like crapshoots despite her expertise, despite her absolute dedication to her patients. She only ever had to do them when what was supposed to be predictable and routine became a cascading flow of everything opposite.