The Life She Wants

“I tried not to mention Riley and Jock at all,” he said. “They were on and off for a little while. Maybe that’s not accurate, either—they weren’t together. They tried to create an amicable relationship for Maddie’s sake, but they never even lived together. In fact, I think I’d need a chart and a graph to understand where Maddie came from because Riley and Jock were like oil and water. But I don’t want Maddie to think badly of either of them. Well, let me be honest, I wouldn’t be devastated to learn she thinks a little badly of Jock. He pissed me off. He got my sister pregnant and didn’t exactly step up to the plate. He was pretty useless back then, but he was just a kid. And he is her father. I’d rather we all get along. And I don’t want Maddie blindsided by a lot of nasty gossip.”

“I won’t be saying anything, Adam. I’d prefer to forget it ever happened,” Emma said. “At the time, it was awful.”

“I think it’s safe to say a lot of people were hurt.”

“You’re in luck. If anyone remembers me they will have much juicier stuff than my best friend and boyfriend getting together while I was away at school sixteen years ago. All the same, Riley and Jock should explain it to her before anyone else does.”

“Of course. The minute she’s capable of understanding at least a little bit. I’m kind of an expert on teenagers. Girls Maddie’s age are filled with a kind of tragic drama and fatalism that can easily cast them in a dark place. I’ve watched it. We’ve had our challenges as a family and it hasn’t always been easy, but one thing we did manage. We managed to make sure Maddie never felt like a mistake. She always felt loved and wanted. I think.”

“It never came up?” Emma asked. “Didn’t anyone ask how Riley ended up having Jock’s baby when he was supposed to be my boyfriend?”

“I only recall once or twice. Riley said you and Jock had broken up when you went away to school, which was at least partially true. It’s been a long time—I just want to be sure Maddie always feels secure.”

How lucky, Emma thought. Since she was just a kid she had known two things about the Kerrigan family. They had very obvious struggles; life for them had never been easy. But they had enough familial loyalty and love to glue them together. Emma had always envied that because she’d never had it.

Emma’s problems began long before she lost her boyfriend to her best friend.

* * *

Emma was a bit too young to understand her placement in the family when her father married Rosemary Caliban, but it didn’t take her long to instinctively know she was only loved by her father, and her father was a lonely, unhappy, broken man.

His wife gone, John Shay married someone who appeared, on the surface, to be a good match. A woman who was willing to help raise Emma. But Rosemary was a stern woman with a mean side and a streak of jealousy a mile wide. She brought a daughter to the marriage, produced a second and clearly preferred both of them to Emma. Once Emma was an adult and could look back on it she supposed it didn’t help that people often remarked on how pretty she was. And her daddy couldn’t stop himself from commenting on how much she resembled her late mother, with her chestnut hair and large dark eyes. Rosemary undoubtedly despised hearing that, and who wouldn’t?

Emma remembered Rosemary doing subtle things to show her favoritism. She’d fold Anna’s and Lauren’s clothes and toss Emma’s on the bed, took her two girls shopping and to lunch while Emma was with Riley, never inviting her. Emma even suspected the gifts she got at Christmas were of lesser value and almost never fit. Rosemary would help her daughters with the kitchen cleanup when it was their turn but Emma was left on her own. When John Shay stepped in to help Emma, she knew he had noticed and that made her feel worse, not better. When her father died it was the Kerrigan family that comforted her more than her own. It was obvious Rosemary didn’t miss John much.

It wasn’t long before a man moved in—her new stepfather, Vince Kingston. Vince wasn’t gentle and sweet like her father had been. He was a crass idiot who made crude and suggestive remarks to his new stepdaughters, but Rosemary just ignored him. Emma gave him a wide berth, as did Anna and Lauren. Emma wasn’t quite sure where she belonged. Or if she belonged anywhere at all.

That was always an issue with her, that she had no real family. This seemed especially important during her high school years, and when her father died...it seemed hopeless. She felt so self-conscious, as if everyone at school knew she was basically an orphan. And who was there for her through the confusion and sadness? Riley, Adam, their mother, June, and Riley’s grandparents. They were the family she always longed for.

It was like Adam was always watching over them all.

* * *

On her second glass of wine, fortified with a little cheese and fruit, she asked him about his grandparents. She knew they had passed away, but hadn’t heard until they’d been gone awhile.

“Well, Grandpa died when I was twenty-two. He wasn’t sick long. Cancer took him quickly. Gram just went along, died in her sleep a year later. I was twenty-three and had just finished my teaching degree. My grandparents left the house to Mom, of course. It took me five more years to move out, get my own place. Riley and Maddie took a little longer and for the life of me I’m not sure why they even bothered—they’re at Mom’s all the time.” He laughed. “But then, so am I. I check on her a lot. I do the guy chores around the house and try to take her out to dinner regularly. I hate her always cooking for all of us, even though she loves to cook. She volunteers with a bunch of church ladies, taking meals to the elderly and infirm.”

Emma looked down. “I missed your family. Your mother most of all. I think she was more family to me than Rosemary ever was.”

“And she misses you. You know, it wouldn’t look like you’re giving in to stop by the house and say hello. There’s no commitment involved. It might be time to rethink this feud.”

She laughed uncomfortably. “You don’t understand. I’m not angry anymore. It’s just... We can’t be friends again, Adam.”

“Who? Me and you?”

“Oh, I like the idea of being your friend,” she said with a little laugh. “Especially since you know these nifty little hideaways where you can have wine under the stars. But I can’t have you trying to work things out between me and Riley. We’re done.”

He gave her a steady, half-amused look. “Really, Emmie Cat? After all you’ve gone through in the past few years, you’re worried about friendship with Riley?”

“We wouldn’t trust each other anyway...”

He laughed. “It’s been over fifteen years. You don’t have to trust her. Who cares if you trust her? You don’t even have to like her. But when you think about things, you’ll figure out she was never your enemy.”

“She wasn’t exactly my friend!”

“If she’d been a better friend, maybe you could’ve married Jock. I’m sure that would’ve been great.”

“Compared to who I did marry? Might’ve been, yeah! At least it wouldn’t have been Richard. But determined to have a better life than the one I left behind, I—” She paused for a moment. “All right, all right,” she said. “Don’t think I haven’t looked at it from that angle. But please, don’t get ideas about reuniting us.”

He put up his hands, palms toward her. “Heaven help me.” He took a sip of his wine. “The truth? I wish the two of you could make amends. You were always stronger together than apart. I refuse to believe you still mourn the loss of Jock. It just seems that now, after everything, staying mad at my sister wouldn’t be very high on your list of priorities.”

After what she’d been through with Richard, there was a part of her that wished she’d married Jock, let him ruin her life, that she’d never left California, never met Richard. She shook her head. “That’s certainly true—my priorities are completely different now. And I don’t really think of our situation as a feud. I’m sure if we ran into each other we’d be perfectly cordial. Even friendly. But the days of slumber parties are over. I have to get on my feet. I didn’t think I’d start off with a great job, but I thought I’d get a decent job, even after not working for nine years. I have a degree. With my experience, I could make a damn good concierge or event planner. Turns out that even though I didn’t do anything wrong, I also have a shady past by association. Even though I wasn’t arrested, people don’t trust me. They’re afraid I was his partner in crime. After all, he had several employees who rolled over on him, took deals to testify. People suspect me, think I didn’t testify because I was protecting him. I didn’t testify because I had nothing relevant to say. Let that be a lesson to you, Adam. Don’t hang around with felons. Sitting in the courtroom while they’re being tried might help them, but it won’t do much for you.”

“Why’d you come back, Emmie?” he asked. “I thought you’d disappear and we’d never see you again.”

“I had nowhere to go,” she said. “Oh, I thought about going somewhere I could be unknown but you know what? Someone’s going to figure me out eventually and then it’ll only be worse. I will have added deception to suspicion. Besides, my credentials are in my name! And I couldn’t stay back there. I was a leper. Not only couldn’t I even get a job with McBurger back east, there were also hostile people who wanted revenge on me just for being associated with Richard. I was in hiding for months. Around here I’ve found some resistance, but I did manage to get a job. A small job, but a job. Maybe when people see I’m a hard worker, it’ll ease up. I’m a little afraid to think about how long that might take.” She took a sip of her wine. “I have to admit, I didn’t think it would be this hard. Have you ever tried to make it on minimum wage?”

He just gave her a wan smile. Of course he had. When they’d moved to town, June had worked two jobs—cleaning houses and waitressing. She worked all the time. Emma remembered when June soaked her feet at the end of a long day, so sore, so weary. And that after just losing her husband.

“How’d you end up with Richard Compton?” he asked.

“Oh, the usual way. I met him when I was out with friends. In a restaurant. I was in the bar with my girlfriends and he was having dinner with clients. We had a nice conversation. He was clearly interested, which was flattering. He asked for my number and I wouldn’t give it to him. I took his business card but he intimidated me, so I didn’t plan to call him. A few weeks later he showed up in the store where I worked—he’d been back at that restaurant and one of my friends told him where I worked. I made him work really hard for a date, but honestly? I was completely smitten. Richard was very handsome, very classy. So charming. You don’t weasel people out of a hundred million dollars by being an asshole. He could charm the pants off anyone.

“I didn’t know how rich my husband was when I married him. I mean, I knew he was successful and lived well, but I didn’t know much more than that. I certainly didn’t know he was getting rich illegally. Had I known, do you think I could have stayed with him? But it’s not like I ever saw a tax return. I didn’t have a key to a safe-deposit box or anything. I didn’t know there was a safe in his study. I guess because there was another larger and visible safe, the police never expected it, either. It was hidden behind a bookcase. Richard was not what you’d call transparent.”

Adam frowned. “Didn’t you sign the tax return?”

She shook her head. “We filed separate returns—Richard took care of it. There was a prenup, a generous prenup that would settle me with more money than I’d ever know what to do with. Of course I came to understand about his wealth, that he could afford almost anything. He never questioned what I needed.”

In vitro, Emma? What the hell. Knock yourself out.

But, Richard, you’ll have to have a few tests...

No problem. I’ll schedule us with the best doctor in the city.

“This is a whole new world,” she said. “No one is going to pity me, learning how to live on two hundred a week after nine years with a Manhattan apartment and a vacation home in the islands. But... Well. Once I get a second job or a decent first job, things should be easier.”

Adam smiled at her. “I’ll keep my eyes open,” he promised. “If you find something around here and need a strong letter of recommendation...”

“You’re going to say you’re pretty sure I’m not a bad person?” she asked.

“I’ll say I’ve known you almost my whole life and have always known you to be strong, smart, honest and reliable.” He pulled his wallet out of his back pocket and withdrew a card. He wrote something on the back and handed it to her. “My cell number. I don’t very often find myself at the Burger Bomb in south Santa Rosa. Call anytime.”

She turned it over and saw it was a business card. Kerrigan Cleaning Services. Industrial, business, residential. Riley Kerrigan, President and CEO.

Emma looked up into his eyes with a question.

“The work is hard but she pays over minimum wage and promotes from within the company. She’s a good leader.” He shrugged. “If desperation for rent and food ever take precedence over bad feelings about the past.”

“Never gonna happen, Adam,” she said, handing back the card.

He closed his hand around hers, refusing to take it. “The first thing you’re going to have to learn about scrabbling to get back on your feet—never turn your nose up at an opportunity. Especially for pride’s sake.”

“You’re reading me all wrong,” she said. “I don’t have any pride left. But I do have to protect myself in the clinches.”

“As you should. And know this—my sister has done a lot for women, women like you who are trying to get on their feet, start over, build a functional life and their self-esteem, usually out of the ruins of divorce or being widowed.”

“You’re proud of her,” she said.

“Oh, yes. Riley amazes me. Keep the card. It has my number on the back.”

She slid it into her purse, thinking it would be a cold day in hell before she’d ask Riley Kerrigan for help.

The very next day the mean little tyrant at Burger Belch fired her.

Chapter Four

Riley Kerrigan ran a tight ship and an efficient workplace. She kept her office in Santa Rosa, for easy access to Marin County, San Francisco, Davis, Napa Valley. It had been her goal from the start to service companies and individuals who could afford the best. The fact that this demographic was also the most difficult to please, the greatest challenge, was irrelevant to her. She was confident she had the best service providers.

There were only two full-time office staff: Riley, and her secretary, Jeanette Sutton. She had had five rooms—a spacious office for herself, a front reception area for Jeanette, an office for Brazil Johnson, the CFO and numbers woman, a conference room for meetings and a small lunchroom and restroom. Brazil was rarely in the office; she worked from home whenever she could. Riley’s director of operations, Nick Cabrini, worked in the field, but there was space for him in the office if he needed it, either in Brazil’s office or the conference room. Makenna Rice was the head housekeeper and trainer; she used the conference room occasionally.

Riley kept an office because customers responded to it, particularly business clients, although some home owners also liked to see her base of operations. It gave her credibility. Nick drove one of the company cars; he dressed sharp, carried a computer in his expensive briefcase and when he gave estimates or checked on cleaning crews he looked professional. She had two hundred employees, most of them part-time by choice. Some of her full-time employees took care of the same properties on a regular basis. She had night crews who cleaned office buildings, day crews in residences and crews on call for emergencies like fire or flood damage—regular hazmat duty. Her liability was high and well managed, her income was in the mid hundred-thousand range, her business net worth was now extremely high, her mother’s house was paid off, her retirement savings gaining strength, Maddie’s college fund nearly maxed and her state of mind—excellent.

It had been a long time coming. Many years of eighty-hour weeks.

When Riley was eighteen and a new high school graduate, she took a few classes at the community college that very summer and helped her mother with her housecleaning jobs. Back then they worked for cash, under the table, and too often they were treated like they belonged under the table, out of sight. Customers would take last-minute trips or vacations and forgo housecleaning service for a couple of weeks, not paying them. Clients complained about the cost; they added duties without making preparations in advance, without asking or offering to pay extra. “Oh, June, I have to run a couple of errands. You don’t mind keeping an eye on little Eric, do you?” or “June, I’m way behind on the laundry, can you pitch in?” and “Junie, darling, looks like it’s time for a good window washing.” And as far as Riley knew, her mother hadn’t had a raise in at least ten years.

“We have to fix this business,” Riley had said. “Even some of your oldest customers take complete advantage of your good nature.”

“I think of some of these people as my friends. I just like to help when I can,” June always said.

“Well, they don’t think of you as a friend. They treat their friends with far more respect, so don’t be fooled. And none of them are worried about your retirement. We’re going to find a better way to get it done and earn a decent living. And maybe a little security.”

Riley set up a business plan at the age of eighteen, recruited a couple of college girls who were going to school part-time just as she was, got a business license for two hundred dollars and went looking for more clients. She called her company Kerrigan’s Kleaning and had business cards printed. At first, she didn’t have any overhead except the personal time it cost to do paperwork because Riley was paying taxes, social security, salaries and issuing 1099 statements to employees. Within months Kerrigan’s Kleaning was humming along and even growing.

Then she got pregnant.

What a dark, terrifying time that was. Emma abandoned her, which came as no surprise, and Jock was suddenly MIA. He offered to give her money for an abortion, then he offered to marry her, but he had a black eye in the suspicious shape of Adam’s fist. She turned down both offers. She did threaten to sue him for support, however, because in all areas she had a mind for business. She remained at home with her mother, brother and grandparents, where she had loving support.

She continued to work with her cleaning service. The bigger she got, the more she thought she’d better make this idea work because there was certainly no man waiting in the wings to take care of her. In fact, not only were Jock’s support payments spotty at best, he didn’t even show up at the hospital when she went into labor. Adam and her mother were with her, her grandparents waiting in the hall.

Jock came much later, after her family was gone, and though she tried to forget it, the image of him crying as he held the baby was forever burned into her mind. But she wasn’t falling for his malarkey again.

The whole pregnancy was emotionally difficult and Riley felt she’d ruined her life with one terrible choice. But when she saw Maddie’s perfect little face, everything changed. She might’ve had regrets, but now she also had purpose. And she worked like a demon because she had a daughter, and her daughter was going to have a devoted family, a good home and opportunities.

Jock started coming around after Maddie was a few months old, and the hurt and anger were almost too much for Riley. How dare he pretend to act like a father now! Every encounter was a strain; they fought and sniped at each other and not to be left out, Adam got into it, threatening Jock. Maddie was about nine months old when they had a blistering fight because Jock wanted to take her to his mother’s house so his family could meet her, and Riley said she’d be damned if he was taking her anywhere.

“Stop!” June said. She took the baby from Riley, passed her to Grandma and sat the three of them at the table. “Don’t anyone say a word if you value your life. That child is a happy baby who will live to be ninety if I have my way. But if all she hears from her parents and her uncle is fighting, what do you think that will do for her self-esteem?”

“We don’t have any joint custody thing going on here,” Riley snapped.

“You have money for a lawyer?” June asked Riley. She turned to Jock. “Do you?”

“If he wasn’t responsible enough to take care of the mother, what makes you think he’s responsible enough to take care of a baby?” Adam nearly shouted.

“Do you want this little girl to grow up wondering who her daddy is?” she asked Adam. “Or wondering why her mother and uncle kept him from her? This stops here and now. We don’t raise voices around her, and Jock deserves a chance to grow into a good father. Part of that is spending time with his daughter. And if you two keep bullying him the only one who will suffer will be Maddie.”

“I just want to do the right thing,” Jock said.

“Too late!” Riley and Adam said. And then they both said, “Sorry,” as they saw June’s black scowl.

“Of course you can take the baby to your mother,” June said. “First you have to learn the car seat, and I’d make you show me you know how to change a diaper but since your mother will be there, I think we’re safe. I’ll make you up a bottle and I want you to have her back in three hours. After today there has to be notice, Jock. Riley’s a good mama and she is not the least bit flexible. Planning will be the key. We will all be cooperative and the number one priority will always be Maddie.”

“If he’d planned before, Maddie wouldn’t be here,” Riley hurled.

“Was that a thank-you?” Jock asked.

“I’m warning you...” June said.

After that confrontation, things went a bit more smoothly with Jock but it was at least a couple of years before Riley’s resentment of him calmed into a tense acceptance. This was not the life she had planned—a baby with a reluctant father who had no real love for her. And the fact that she had loved him, however briefly, only made her shame burn brighter.

Her mother had said one more thing to Riley. Privately. Knowing her daughter so well. “That pride will be the end of you,” June said. “Try to put your focus on Maddie, not your injured pride. Please.”

She built herself up one emotional brick at a time, becoming a tough, professional businesswoman. Her residential service grew. When she scored her first office building cleaning contract, she celebrated. She also provided what they called a mover’s special—the cleaning of empty houses to get them ready for new occupants. That was a tough job that paid well and sometimes she, her mom and Adam would put in twelve-or fifteen-hour days to get it done. Sometimes Jock would babysit...at June’s house.

Then she started researching industrial cleaning services, instinctively knowing the real money was there—mold, water damage, fire damage, sewage and odor removal. The only things she left alone were harmful chemicals and crime scene cleanup. She contracted one team, giving them the lion’s share of her profits. But then she had them train a second team of industrial cleaners and they became hers. She ran her business from her mother’s dining room table while spooning strained peas into Maddie’s mouth and later, while helping Maddie with her spelling words and math exercises.

As a family, they had a bit of a setback when her grandparents passed, but she found that as long as she stayed ahead of the personnel and contracts, the company functioned very well. June worked part-time for Riley’s company, a few jobs a week. The rest of the time she helped raise Maddie. When Maddie was ten, just five years ago, Riley changed the name of her company to Kerrigan Cleaning Services, rented office space and cleaned up.

From that home pregnancy test to here was a long and difficult passage. But she had people she knew who, barring death, would never desert her, would always forgive her, love her as unconditionally as she loved them. Maddie, her mother, Adam. Since Jock, she had not been in a romantic relationship.