The Orphan's Tale: The phenomenal international bestseller about courage and loyalty against the odds

“Ready?” she asks, seeming to remember that I am there, without taking her eyes off Peter.

I nod, and start up the ladder. Below a half-dozen or so other performers rehearse, twirling hoops, doing flips and walking on their hands. My schedule with Astrid is the same every day as it had been the first: training from seven until five with a brief break for a bucket lunch. I’ve gotten better, I think. Still, for all of the practice, I have not let go and actually flown. It is not for lack of trying. I swing endlessly to strengthen my arms. I hang upside down until the blood rushes to my head and I cannot think. But I cannot let go—and without that, Astrid has said over and over, there is no act.

We start with the moves we have already practiced, swinging by my hands, then the hock and ankle hangs. “Pay attention to your arms, even when they are behind your back,” Astrid commands. “This is not merely performance. Theater is two-dimensional, like a painting. There, the audience sees only the front. But in the circus the audience is all around us, like sculpture. Think graceful, like ballet. Don’t fight the air, make friends with it.”

We work all morning around the moment I had been dreading. “Ready?” Astrid asks finally after a break. I can avoid it no longer. I climb the ladder and Gerda follows, taking her place beside me on the board.

“You have to release at the height of the swing,” Astrid calls from the far board. “And then I will catch you just a second later on the way down.” It makes perfect sense, but I leap and as with all the times before, I cannot let go.

“It’s useless,” I say aloud. As I swing helplessly from the bar, I catch a glimpse of the horizon through one of the high practice hall windows. Beyond the hills, there is a way out of Germany, a route to safety and freedom. If only Theo and I could swing out of here and fly away. A thought pops into my head then: go with the circus to France. Farther from Germany, Theo and I will have a chance to flee to somewhere safe. But that will never happen unless I can learn to let go.

“You’re done, then?” Astrid asks as I swing back to the board. She tries to keep her voice neutral, as if she has been disappointed too many times to let anyone do it again. But I can hear it, that faint note of sadness buried deep. At least some part of her thought I could do it—which makes my failure even more awful.

I look out the window once more, my dream of escaping with Theo seeming to slide further from reach. The circus is our ticket out of Germany—or would be if I could manage. “No!” I blurt. “That is, I’d like to try once more.”

Astrid shrugs, as if she has already given up on me. “Suit yourself.”

As I jump, Astrid leaps from the opposite board and swings by her feet. “Hup!” she calls. I do not release on the first pass.

Astrid swings higher, drawing close to me a second time. “Do it!” she orders. I recall Astrid’s conversation with Herr Neuhoff the previous day and realize that time is running out.

It is now or never. The entire world hangs in the balance.

I lock eyes with Astrid on the opposite trapeze and in that instant my trust is complete. “Now!” she commands.

I let go of the bar. Closing my eyes, I hurtle through space. Forgetting everything Astrid has taught me, I flail my arms and legs, which only makes me drop faster. I fall in her direction, but too low. She misses me and I tumble forward. There is nothing now between me and the ground, which grows closer as I fall. In that instant, I see Theo, wonder who will care for him after I am gone. I open my mouth but before I can scream, Astrid’s hands lock around my ankles. She has caught me.

But it is not over yet. I hang upside down, helpless as a calf about to be slaughtered.

“Reach up,” she orders, as though it is simple. “I can’t help you. You have to do this part for yourself.” I use all of my force to reach up against gravity, performing the world’s largest sit-up, and grab on to her.

“Okay when I say ‘now’ I’m going to send you back with a half spin so you are facing the bar,” she instructs.

I freeze. She cannot seriously expect me to fly through the air again to the bar, miles away and moving fast. “I can’t possibly.”

“You must. Now!” She hurls me through the air and the bar finds my fingers. Clasping it tightly, I understand then that I need to do almost nothing—she can position me as surely as a marionette on strings. But it is still terrifying.

I reach the platform with shaking feet and Gerda helps steady me before climbing down the ladder. Astrid, who has come down from her own side, waits until Gerda has gone before starting up to me. “That was close,” I say when she nears me. I wait for her to praise me for finally letting go.

But she is staring at me and I wonder if she is angry and will fault me for panicking. “Your brother,” she says. Anger that she has been holding back blazes in her eyes, suddenly set free.

I am caught off guard by the sudden shift in topic. “I don’t understand...” She hasn’t brought up Theo since the first day we practiced. Why is she asking now?

“The thing is, I don’t believe you.” She speaks through gritted teeth, her fury unmasked. “I think you are lying. Theo’s not your brother.”

“Of course he is,” I stammer. What would make her suspect this now?

“He looks nothing like you. We’ve given you a place here and you are taking advantage of us and lying to us.”

“That’s not true,” I start to protest.

She continues, unconvinced. “I think you got into trouble. He’s your bastard child.”

I reel back, as much from the stinging slap of the word as from her discovering the near truth. “But you just said he looks nothing like me.”

“Like the father, then,” she insists.

“Theo is not my child.” I say each word slowly and deliberately. How it hurts to disavow him.

She puts her hands on her hips. “How can I work with you if I cannot trust you?” She does not wait for me to respond. “There is no way that he is your brother.”

And then she pushes me hard from the platform.

Suddenly I am falling through the air, without any restraint or bar to cling to. I open my mouth to scream, but find no air. It is almost like a flying dream, except my path is straight downward. No trapeze, no training can help me now. I brace for impact, and the pain and darkness that will inevitably follow. Surely the net wasn’t made to catch a person at such great speed.

I cascade into the net, sending it dipping within inches of the floor, so close I can smell the hay that lines it, the stench of manure not quite scrubbed away. Then I am flung upward, airborne once more, saved just barely from impact. It isn’t until the third time I land in the still-bouncing net and it does not rise again, but bobbles like a cradle, that I realize I am going to make it.

I lie still for several seconds, catching my breath and waiting for one of the other performers to come to my aid. But they have all disappeared, sensing or even seeing trouble and not wanting to become involved. Only Astrid and I remain in the practice hall now.

I clamber from the net then start toward Astrid, who has climbed down the ladder. “How could you?” I demand. It is my turn to be angry. “You almost killed me.” I know she does not like me, but I had not actually thought she would want me dead.

She smiles smugly. “Even I would have been terrified. I won’t blame you for giving up.”

I square my shoulders defiantly. “I’m not quitting.” After what just happened, I would never give her the satisfaction.

Herr Neuhoff rushes in, having heard the clatter as I fell from outside. “My dear, are you okay? Such a calamity!” Seeing I am fine, he steps back and folds his arms. “What happened? We can’t afford an accident or the questions it might bring. You know that,” he says, aiming these last words at Astrid.

I hesitate. Astrid watches me uneasily from the side. I could tell him the awful truth about what she had done. He might not believe me without solid proof, though. And what would that solve? “My hands must have slipped,” I lie.

Herr Neuhoff coughs, then reaches in his pocket and takes a pill. It is the first time I have seen him do this. “Are you ill?” Astrid asks.

He waves his hand, the question irrelevant. “You must be more careful,” he admonishes me. “Double the training time this week. Don’t risk it by trying anything before you are ready.” Then he turns to Astrid. “And don’t push her before she is ready.”

“Yes, sir,” we say, almost in unison. Herr Neuhoff stomps from the practice hall.

Something passes between Astrid and me in that moment. I had not sold her out. I wait for Astrid to say something.

But she just walks away.

I charge after her into the dressing room, my anger rising. Who does she think she is to treat me this way? “How could you?” I demand, too mad to be polite.

“So go on and leave if things are so awful,” she taunts. I consider the option: maybe I should. There is nothing keeping me here. I’m well and the weather has calmed now, so why not take Theo and make my way to the nearest town in search of ordinary work? Even being on our own with nothing would be better than staying here unwanted. I had done it once; I could do it again.

But I cannot let this go. “Why?” I demand. “What did I do to you?”

“Nothing,” Astrid concedes with a sniff. “You had to see exactly what it is to fall.”

So she had planned this. To do what exactly? Not kill me; she knew that the nets would hold. No, she wanted to scare me so I would give up. I wonder again why Astrid hates me so. Is it just because she thinks I am terrible at the trapeze and will never be able to manage the act? I had done what she wanted and let go. No, it is something more than that. I remember how her eyes blazed with fury moments earlier as she accused me of lying about Theo and my past. Her words echo back at me: How can I work with you if I cannot trust you? If I tell her the truth about my past, she might accept me. Or it could be the final straw that causes her to want me gone once and for all.

I breathe deeply. “You were right: Theo...he isn’t my brother.” A knowing smile plays about her lips. “But it isn’t what you think,” I add quickly. “He’s Jewish.”

Her smugness fades. “How did you come to have him?”

I have no reason to trust her. She hates me. But the story pours forth. “I was working at the train station in Bensheim as a cleaner.” I leave off the part about what had brought me to the station—my own pregnancy. “And one night there was this boxcar. It was full of babies, taken from their parents.” My voice cracks as I see them lying on the cold floor of the boxcar, alone in their last moments. “Theo was one of them.” I continue, explaining how I had taken him and fled.

When I finish, she stares at me for several seconds, not speaking. “So the story you told Herr Neuhoff was a lie.”

“Yes. You see now why I couldn’t say anything.” My whole body slumps with relief at having shared at least part of the story with her.

“You know, Herr Neuhoff, of all people, would understand,” she says.

“I know, but having not told him from the start... I can’t right now. Please don’t tell him.” I hear the pleading in my own voice.

“And Theo, you just grabbed him?” she asks.

“Yes.” I hold my breath, waiting for her reaction.

“That was brave,” she says finally. The compliment comes out grudgingly, almost an admission.

“I should have taken more,” I reply. The sadness that I feel whenever I think of the infants on the train wells up and threatens to burst through. “There were so many other children.” Surely they are all gone now.

“No, taking more would have attracted attention and you might not have made it as far as you did. But why didn’t you just take the baby and go home?” she asks. “Surely your family would have understood what you had done and helped you.”

I want to tell her the rest of the story and explain why my parents had been so outraged. But the words stick in my throat. “What I said about my father being awful before was true,” I manage, resorting to that part of the lie once more. “That was why I had left, why I was at the train station in the first place.”

“And your mother?”

“She is not very brave.” Another part-truth. “Also, I didn’t want to cause them trouble,” I add. Astrid eyes me evenly and I wait for her to point out that I brought my troubles instead to her and the rest of the circus. I had told her about Theo in hopes that she might be more willing to accept me. But what if the opposite is true?

Outside the practice hall there is a sudden clattering, a car of some sort screeching to a halt, followed by unfamiliar male voices. I turn to Astrid. “What on earth?” But she has turned and raced through the rear door of the dressing room, the one that leads outside.

Before I can call after her, the front door to the dressing room flies open and two uniformed men barrel in from the practice hall, followed by Peter. “Officers, I assure you...” I freeze, my legs stone. The first I have seen since coming to Darmstadt, they are not Schutzpolizei as I had seen at the station, but actual Nazi SS. Have they come for me? I had hoped that my disappearance with Theo would have been long forgotten. But it is hard to see what other business they might have with the circus.

“Fräulein...” One of the men, older and graying at the temples beneath his hat, steps closer. Let them take just me, I pray. Theo is thankfully not here, but well across the winter quarters. If they should see him, though...

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