The Loner

‘You’re a good friend, Judy. And so now he’s gone, eh?’

‘Yes, Mam.’

‘And you don’t know where he’s headed?’

‘No.’ If only she knew, she might be more content. ‘I don’t think Davie knows either. He said he wanted to make a life for himself and not be a trouble to anybody.’ She recalled his words. ‘‘‘I need to prove myself’’, that’s what he said.’

Beth gave a long, deep sigh. ‘Well, it’s understandable. His whole world’s been turned upside down…I expect he needs to think his way through it all. He’s nobbut a lad still and being on his own, he’ll find the world more of a hostile place than he ever imagined.’ The motherly woman believed he would have a change of mind once he was out there in the big wide world. ‘I’ll give him a week,’ she said confidently, ‘afore he starts heading back.’

Sliding her arm round Judy’s shoulders, she drew her away, but then, catching a sniff of the girl’s clothes, she pulled back. ‘By ’eck, you stink to high heaven, lass!’ she exclaimed. ‘Anybody’d think you’d been sleeping with the old shire!’

When they got back to the house, Tom was up and at it. He had washed, dressed, and was already across the yard to feed the chickens. ‘I’m off to see whether that damn fox has been at my birds,’ he shouted to them. ‘If there’s any damage, the old sod won’t get away with it this time!’ He patted the shotgun slung over his arm. ‘I’ll be good and ready if he shows up.’

‘Be careful with that thing!’ Beth nagged him. She had never liked the shotgun. ‘Like as not you’ll get excited and shoot your toes clean off.’

‘Away with you, woman,’ he called back. ‘There’s nobody can handle a shotgun better than Thomas Makepeace!’ With that he strode away, hellbent on a confrontation.

Inside the house, Beth set about cooking breakfast while Judy went off to get washed and dressed.

When the bacon and mushrooms were simmering nicely and still there was no sign of her daughter, Beth turned off the gas, covered the pan and went up to her room.

Judy was curled up on the windowseat, looking dreamily out across the land. ‘Thanks, Mam, but I don’t really want any breakfast,’ she said.

‘Don’t want your breakfast!’ Beth was astonished. ‘But you’re allus ready for your breakfast. During the day you don’t eat as much as I would like you to, but you love your Sunday breakfast. I’ve cooked those new mushrooms your dad brought home. By! They smell right tasty. Come on now, Judy, get yourself downstairs, afore they spoil.’ ‘I’m not hungry this morning, Mam.’ Concerned, Beth came to sit beside her. ‘What is it, my love?’ She had an instinct that only a mother could feel. ‘What’s ailing you?’ ‘Nothing. I’m just not hungry, that’s all.’ Beth persisted. ‘Don’t give me that. I know you far too well, and I can see there’s more to it than that. Something’s worrying you. Whatever it is, you know you can always talk to me.’ Of course Judy would be worried about young Davie. But this was a deeper mood, and it wasn’t in the girl’s nature to be so sad.

There was a long pause, during which Judy wondered if her mammy could really understand the feelings that were burning inside her. ‘Mam?’

‘Yes?’

‘If I ask you something, you won’t laugh at me, will you?’

‘Now, why would I do that, eh?’

‘Well…’ Embarrassed, she fell momentarily silent.

‘Go on, lass.’

Another, longer pause, then, ‘Mam?’

‘Yes? I’m still here.’

‘Mam, what does it feel like…’ Judy took a deep breath ‘… when you love somebody?’

‘We ll, now…’ Beth knew she would have to answer carefully if she was to keep the girl’s confidence. ‘It all depends, I suppose.’

‘What do you mean?’

Beth took a moment to consolidate her thoughts, before saying, ‘What I mean is, there’s many kinds of love. There’s the love you feel for your family, and the love you have for a dear friend. And then there’s the other kind of love…’

‘What other kind?’

‘The kind that sweethearts feel for each other.’

‘And is that really so different?’

‘Oh, yes, lass. It’s a very different love altogether.’

Beth thought of her husband and the smile on her face said it all. She and Tom had met one market-day some twenty years ago. There was she, doing shopping for the doctor’s house, where she worked as a maid, and there was he, behind the egg stall. She’d only gone and caught the edge of the table where the eggs were laid out, with her old-fashioned wicker basket, which was almost as big as she was, and knocked a couple dozen duck eggs to the cobbles. Eeh! She flushed at the memory of her clumsiness. But he’d been so kind, and in the midst of her confusion, she’d noticed the sparkle in his eyes. And that had been the start of it. And look at them now – a right Darby and Joan.

‘You know straight off that he’s the one you want to spend the rest of your life with,’ she went on, and clutched her chest. ‘You feel it in here…a kind of longing that you can’t shift. You want to be with him every minute of the day and night, and when you’re together, you never want it to end. I know you’re only twelve now, but you’ll soon be grown, and love like that will come your way, God willing.’

Judy was beginning to follow her reasoning, but she had another question for her mother to answer. ‘And what happens if you love someone like a friend, and then it changes without you even noticing, and it’s…different, and it hurts. And you don’t know what to do about it?’

‘I see.’ But Beth wasn’t quite sure what it was that she could see. Still, her darling girl was hurting, and she sensed that it had something to do with Davie. And the more she thought about it, the more fearful she became.

Reaching out, she hooked her finger under Judy’s chin and made her look at her. ‘I’ve answered your question as well as I know how,’ she said, ‘and now I need you to answer mine. Will you do that for me?’

‘Yes, Mam.’

‘And will you answer truthfully?’

‘Yes, of course I will.’

With a slow intake of breath, Beth prepared to ask what was on her mind. ‘Just now, when I found you in the barn with Davie, how long had you been there?’

‘I don’t know…two hours, may be more.’

‘And were you just talking all that time?’

‘Not all the time.’

‘So, tell me how it was…right from the beginning.’

‘Well, like I say, I was about to go to bed when I thought I saw a movement by the barn. I assumed it was the cats or something else, and I went to bed. But I didn’t sleep very well. So I decided to go and see if it had been Davie, and it was.’

‘All right. Then what?’

‘We talked for a bit, and I went to get him some food and drink and I brought it back to him. He ate the food, and then I left and he promised not to go away without seeing me first.’

‘But if you’d already left, how come you were still there when I found you?’

‘I worried that if I slept too long, I’d miss him. So I went back.’ She grinned at the memory. ‘Davie was fast asleep and it was really chilly, so I got under the blanket with him. Pooh! It did pong, but at least it was warm.’

Beth’s heart skipped a beat, and she did not smile. ‘Judy, did anything happen when you were with Davie under the blanket?’

The girl gave her a puzzled look. She wasn’t altogether sure what her mother was saying, but nor was she so naïve that she didn’t suspect the reasoning behind it. Being brought up on a farm, she knew all about the birds and the bees – and the pigs, cows and sheep, come to that. ‘No!’ Bristling, she sat upright. ‘I know what you’re getting at, Mam, and you’re wrong!’

Springing to Davie’s defence she declared, ‘I know how Sheila Clarkson did wrong with that boy from the fairground and she had a baby, but Davie would never do a thing like that, and neither would I!’

Beth could see the truth in Judy’s eyes and she felt a great sense of relief. ‘I’m sorry, sweetheart,’ she said. ‘But I had to ask.’ Reaching out, she took Judy’s hands into her own. ‘I’m a mother,’ she murmured. ‘One day, God willing when you’re married and settled, with a good man and children of your own, you’ll know why I had to make sure. So…am I forgiven?’

Judy nodded. She could hear everything that was said, and yet she hardly heard a word, because it was still Davie who filled her mind and held her heart in a way as never before. And it was the strangest thing.

‘So, now that we’ve got that out of the way, will you tell me what happened…you said you got into the blanket to keep warm?’

More attentive now, Judy went on, ‘I fell asleep, and the next thing I knew, Davie was ready to leave. He wrote the letter and then he was gone.’

‘And was it then, that you realised your feelings towards him had changed?’

Embarrassed, Judy lowered her gaze. ‘I’ve always loved Davie, like a brother really. But now, I don’t know what’s happened, Mam. It’s all different, and I can’t stop thinking about him.’

Taking the girl into her arms, Beth told her how love between man and woman was a strong, unpredictable thing. ‘But I think the trouble with you now is that Davie has always been here and you never imagined he wouldn’t be. You’ve seen him most every day since the two of you went to infant school. You were both only children, and we were all so happy that you’d found each other – Rita most of all, poor lass. She was thrilled that her Davie had you for his best friend. Now, suddenly, his life has changed, and because of that, so has yours. Happen you’ll see him again, and happen you won’t. But either way, there is nothing you can do about that.’

At the thought of never seeing him again, the girl burst into tears.

‘I don’t like it, Mam.’ Her emotions were running wild. ‘When I think about Davie now, it really hurts.’

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