While You Were Dreaming
As usual, he made his way up on to the double-decker bus with his Oyster card, a part of him hoping to catch a glimpse of the girl he’d noticed just the other day.
He’d never really noticed her before. His head was normally glued to the back pages of Metro as he made his way to the stairs–a good tactic for blocking out the madness around him. But that day, he didn’t have a paper, and when he reached the stairs, he glanced up to notice a stunning girl with the plumpest lips he’d ever seen, smiling in his direction from the back of the bus. When he smiled back, she bent her head in embarrassment. He’d noticed her eyes too. Green. But not just any green. Totally ‘out there’ green. They were striking against her exotic complexion, and he could tell that she was curvy rather than skin and bones. She was dressed quirkily, a multicoloured hair band holding back her big unruly hair.
It was probably a good job she’d turned away, because suddenly any grain of confidence he might have had left dissipated and he slowly lifted himself up the stairs, away from the green-eyed girl. He wanted to kick himself, but he just didn’t have the courage to talk to her. She wouldn’t be interested in him. He was plain old Michael Johns who lived in a rented council flat on Dog Kennel Hill Estate and who hadn’t driven a car in a year. Women were supposed to love money, power, and confidence, yet Michael was all too aware that he possessed none of the above. But he did have bushy eyebrows though. And for reasons unknown to him, he’d never had much trouble attracting the ladies.
Take Jen.
Beautiful and sexy Jen. Lovely flowing hair and gorgeous shapely thighs you could die for. He’d met Jen outside Tesco’s where a large (large in the muscley sense) bloke seemed to be hassling her for her number. She was rolling her eyes and checking her watch as the man seemed to reel off a 101 reasons why she should hand over her phone number to him. Michael without even thinking blurted out a loud ‘Babe, there you are! Hurry up love, the kids are in the Merc causing major havoc!’ as he proffered his hand. She took his hand, a plastic smile on her face, perhaps not knowing if he indeed was going to be worse than the guy she was currently trying to get away from. But taking the chance on him nevertheless.
‘You saved me,’ she’d said that night as they had dinner and she joked about how their fictional car had been a Merc and not a Mondeo. They’d started out as friends but then one night things went beyond the realms of purely platonic. Part of Michael wished that their friendship has stayed at just that, especially when Jen started dropping hints that she was ready for a proper relationship. And for a while, he allowed his ego to sing at the thought of this beautiful girl wanting him, but soon fear began to take him over. Their ‘relationship’ could never go further anytime soon. For a start, what could he offer her?
Now, sitting on the bus, Michael decided to make a little detour into Camberwell and pay Jen a visit. Perhaps the green-eyed girl had stirred him up a bit because it was very rare for him to call Jen from work and say, ‘Can I come over, tonight?’ It was usually Jen calling him up and telling him how much she needed him.
He buzzed the intercom and, as always, Jen was ready and waiting at the door for him as soon as he reached the top of the communal staircase. But instead of appearing in the silky black and gold pyjamas she normally changed straight into as soon as she got home, she was still in her work clothes, a sharp-looking trouser-and-waistcoat combo.
‘Hi,’ she said. She smelt delicious. He reached over to kiss her, but she shifted her head slightly.
‘You look nice. And you smell good too. All peachy.’
‘Papaya, actually.’
Jen didn’t say much as she disappeared into the kitchen and emerged with two plates on which sat an ‘M&S special’, accompanied by a tub of hummus, even though she knew he hated the stuff.
Michael began to eat, feeling her eyes boring into him. It would have felt unnerving if he hadn’t been so hungry.
They hardly spoke during the meal, and no sooner had he finished his last mouthful than she reached over to clear his plate. He attempted to circle her waist with his hands but she removed them slowly.
‘We need to talk, Michael’
He shifted uncomfortably in his chair.
‘This is serious.’
She dragged her chair closer to his. ‘Where are we going?’ she asked, forcing him to make eye contact.
‘I’m not sure what you mean.’
‘You know what I mean.’
He knew all too well. They’d been here once before, yes, he remembered now–about a year ago.
‘You said six months.’
‘I know…’
‘That was two years ago, Michael.’
Two years? ‘Are you sure?’
‘I’m sure,’ she replied sharply. ‘I’ve known you for three years now.’
He hadn’t realized it had been that long.
‘“Just give me another six months or so to sort myself out,” you said. “Then we can be a couple.”’
Michael felt utterly and totally in a bind. At the time he was sure he’d meant it. Hoping to have improved his living/job/financial status somewhat, but, as that had yet to materialize, well…
‘Well?’ she folded her arms, and Michael swallowed. ‘I need to know we are going somewhere. That this…this relationship, if you can call it that, is leading us to something bigger…’
‘I just need time,’ he said.
‘Yeah, another few months,’ said Jen, clasping her arms even tighter.
‘What’s wrong with that?’
‘Because when is it ever going to be the right time? You seem to think we have all the time in the world! That when you decide you are ready, things will just snap into place!’
Sounded feasible to him.
‘I think I need to wake up and realize that I’m not it, am I?’ she said quietly, her voice trembling slightly. Michael hoped she wasn’t about to cry. He couldn’t handle that.
‘What aren’t you?’
‘I’m not The One. If I was, you wouldn’t need to make all these excuses, we’d just be together. It shouldn’t be this hard, Michael.’ She sighed heavily.
‘You know I don’t believe in all that “The One” stuff, Jen. Come on…’ He extended his arm in a warm gesture, but she just looked at him blankly.
‘Just think about what I’m saying, Michael.’
He looked at Jen and knew that if he began to explain, she just wouldn’t understand.
‘Michael, I am not getting any younger–neither of us are. And I’m sick of waiting. For some reason you seem to think we have all the time in the world. Newsflash: We don’t!’
‘Jen–’
‘I’m sick of you coming round here when you please, without a thought for me. I don’t even have a toothbrush at your flat! You don’t even like me coming over!’
Because, he wanted to reply, my flat could double up as a rubbish tip and I’d much rather you didn’t see it. Especially as you own your own flat, drive a decent car and buy your hair stuff from Self ridges! Whilst I don’t have anything to give you really. Nothing of value. Not at the moment anyway, but someday. Soon. Definitely.
Yes, when he got his act together, things would be different and only then would he begin to live the life he’d always craved–now he just had to tell Jen that, knowing that he’d probably sound like a commitment-phobe.
She continued. ‘And I’ve only met your family twice. Both times in the supermarket. By accident!’
‘Well it’s not as if we’re in a proper re–’
The expression on her face switched to frightened anguish…and so he shut up.
‘What did you say?’ Her eyes squinted and then widened just as quickly. ‘What am I doing?’ she said to herself with a hint of resolution.
She ran her hands through her hair as if to physically get her head straight.
‘What am I doing?’ she reiterated.
‘Jen…’
‘Michael, please leave,’ she then said, her demeanour suddenly composed.
‘Jen, I’m sorry,’ he said, meaning it. Making her all upset was never part of the plan; he still cared about her after all.
‘No, I’m sorry. It’s over, Michael.’
As he walked the short walk from the bus stop to his flat, he realized that, whilst he’d hated hurting Jen, he couldn’t shake off the huge feeling of relief he’d felt ever since she’d said; ‘It’s over,’ just over thirty minutes ago. They’d hugged, she’d stuffed a couple of gifts he’d given her into his pocket, and they’d said their goodbyes like the civilized human beings they were. It felt right. And if it felt right, then it must be…right. Jen was a nice enough girl and he really hoped she would find someone else. A bloke who would appreciate her more and be able to give her what she needed. And she would, he was sure of that. In fact, he had to believe that, otherwise he’d feel like the biggest bastard ever to have walked the streets of South-East London.
So, he was free to focus on what really counted at the moment: getting a promotion, moving out of the flat and into his own home; oh, and mustering up the motivation to put those wheels into some type of credible motion.
And he would find it.
Somewhere.
He hoped.
FOUR
Two and a half weeks later…
‘She just looks asleep to me,’ said Ade.
‘Peaceful,’ said the nurse.
‘Do you think so?’
‘Serene even,’ she added.
‘I’ve never seen her look so beautiful.’
‘Oh, give me a break! She looks far from beautiful hooked up to a tube and I’d much prefer it if you stopped talking about her like she’s dead! She’s just been asleep for a while, that’s all!’ Eleven days, actually. ‘And she’s not going to be here much longer, either. Doesn’t anybody get that?’ Now Cara was feeling irritated. Again. In fact her moods switched from hopeful, to hopeless, to frightened, to angry, and all the way through to irritated. She was beginning to forget who she was.
‘No, you’re right,’ said Ade awkwardly as the nurse with the northern accent shifted nervously on her feet, as if to say, ‘who are you trying to kid? The longer this girl stays like this, the worse it will be for her when she finally comes round.’
But Cara knew different. She knew that Lena would soon be out of that manky bed and safely following her round a branch of Kurt Geiger ready to spell out the disadvantages of spending £150 on a pair of killer heels when half of that money could be used to buy a couple of goats for a third world village. Then they’d go to Lena’s favourite cheapo noodle bar off Old Compton Street where Millie would show up late with no money and Cara would turn her nose up at every limp and greasy dish, wishing she was in her favourite local Thai restaurant instead, with its nicely dressed waitresses and dishes that sounded like islands. They’d eat, then chat for a bit, before each rushing off to start their night shifts: Cara at the bar, Millie off out with her mates (along with a loan from Lena), and Lena to the kids’ telephone helpline where she had worked for the past four years. Funny, the last time the three of them had managed to get together at the Noodle Bar was just before the accident.
Cara turned her gaze away from her sister lying on that bed, hair in a multicoloured Alice band, and gazed around the hospital room. She hated hospitals, she decided. Luckily she hadn’t had much to do with them over the years, apart from the obligatory visit when one of her friends had a kid. She’d rush in, armed with flowers and a teddy bear (which Ade had bought), counting the minutes until she could leave.
This time, though, she was going nowhere.
She’d been in every day for almost two weeks now and was getting used to the sight of people rushing about armed with flowers, their faces painted with worry, fresh-faced junior doctors with spiky hair studying charts, consultants swanning about with an air of self-assured arrogance. She was a part of that now, and not just some bystander who’d happened to tune into a rerun of ER. This was real life. This was her life. For now.
Thankfully, her sister’s hospital room was away from everything and looked clean at least. But it was bland and lifeless. There was a small window and a tiny side-cabinet on which stood a small vase containing a less-than-fresh arrangement of flowers, lemongrass oil moisturizer for Lena’s hair, Vaseline for her lips, cocoa butter, a plastic comb, and a box of pink and yellow tissues.
The walls were a beigy neutral colour and a faded picture of a Victorian bloke with a huge nose hung on one of the walls–an attempt to bring some cheeriness into the room.
‘We need to stay positive, yes. We have to.’ Ade’s voice interrupted her thoughts. She hated that he didn’t sound convinced. Was she the only one who knew her sister would soon wake up? The doctors were hopeful. Lena was breathing for herself. Things had improved. Okay, stayed the same–but she was hopeful, and she didn’t need anybody telling her different or she wouldn’t be responsible for her actions. People needed to stay positive. For Lena. For her…
Time at the hospital involved sitting by the bed, willing Lena to wake up, and trying to work out how this had all happened. Why her sister was asleep on an alien bed underneath a picture of some bloke they didn’t even know the name of. Why, why, why? She knew it was doing no good asking such questions, but it just felt easier to turn her thoughts into anger and then direct them at a certain person. Justin. Lena’s boyfriend, who was, as far as she knew, the last person to see her awake. She swallowed hard, and tried to push him from her mind. He’d keep.
Instead, she thought about the bar and when she could put in a shift. This was important for two reasons: 1. She would probably go mad with all the things festering in her mind as she sat by the bed every moment of every day, thinking about the whys and the what-ifs; 2. The barmaid Eliza (Doolittle), currently left in charge with Ade, would probably bring them one step closer to bankruptcy, what with the amount of glasses she got through in a day. So, no, going back to work by no means meant she was giving up on Lena, no matter what that tiny voice in her head kept on saying. She’d do a few shifts, whilst still coming to the hospital every single day to see her sister.
Cara ran a beautifully manicured hand through her short crop and wondered where on earth her other sister–Millie–had got to. She was meant to be here by now and was late.
‘I thought your sister was supposed to be here?’ Nurse Gratten remarked, as if reading her thoughts. Cara ignored her and peered at her watch again, wondering where indeed her irresponsible little sister had got to. Or rather, into whose bed she’d climbed.
‘Cara…’ began Ade in a ‘I want to chastise you like a little kid for ignoring the lovely nurse, but we’re in a public place and oh, I should know better than to try that, if I ever want to share a bed with you again’ voice.
‘Ade’, Cara interrupted him, ‘this is the third time she’s been late. Doesn’t she get it? Lena’s stuck in here and yet that doesn’t seem like a big enough disaster to force her to get her act together. She’s such a kid!’
‘Don’t upset yourself.’
‘I can’t get any more upset! We’ve a bar to run and she can’t just swan in when she feels like it!’ she snapped. She was aware she was taking her feelings out on the wrong person, but she also knew Ade could take it. They’d been together for over ten years; he knew her ways. And he knew how much she loved him.
‘She’ll be here,’ whispered Ade into her ear, his taut, strong arms enveloping her in a hug. At well over six foot tall, Ade was strong enough to hold onto her, whether she resisted or not. But it was as if she needed to resist in order to fully appreciate what he was offering: love, protection, safety.
He held onto her before she managed to pull away from him and turn her gaze back to Lena and the situation as a whole.
Actually, the whole situation was ridiculous. Lena, the most careful person in the whole world–she wrote lists, for Pete’s sake!–tripping over a shoe, indeed (a bloody shoe?)! Falling down the stairs. Ending up in this hospital bed. Hard to believe, yet it was all so very, very real. The doctors had tried everything they could but nothing seemed to be working with Lena. And, as each day passed, she could see the doctor with the bad teeth becoming ever more doubtful as her sister remained in that deep sleep, fed by a nasogastric tube, the odd reflex action reminding family and friends gathered around that she was actually still alive.
‘Damn it. Damn all of it. That shoe. Justin, for being a crap boyfriend and not looking out for her! What was he thinking?’ she said hoarsely.
‘Let’s all just calm down a bit,’ said Nurse Gratten, as Cara made a mental note to put in a complaint about her as soon as Lena was discharged from this dump of a hospital. About what, she wasn’t yet sure, but someone had to pay for this. Of course she knew she was sounding irrational, but nothing felt rational any more.
‘There’s a lot of research that says Lena can hear everything you’re saying, so try and keep it…’ She looked towards them, and perhaps remembering her place, relaxed a bit. ‘Let’s all stay calm, for Lena. She needs us all to be strong.’
Friends and colleagues of Lena had trickled in to the hospital in the first week to see her, but Cara had found it difficult to converse with the unfamiliar faces. Eventually, they stopped coming. Who could blame them, though? They had their lives to lead. The only people Lena needed were her two sisters and Ade–everyone else (and that included the handful of aunties that resided in Southampton) were mere acquaintances. So nowadays, in Lena’s room, all she could expect was the sound of her own voice as she muttered words of encouragement to her sister or the clicking tap-tap of shoes travelling up and down the corridor outside the room. Whenever she, Ade, and Millie sat together, none of them really knew what to say. No one really wanting to look at Lena because to look at her would make it all seem real.
Ade rushed off to get her a coffee whilst Nurse Gratten muttered something about seeing to the other patients–and at last Cara was alone with her beloved sister in that room.
Just the way she preferred it.
Cara clutched her hand. Lena’s nails were uneven and cracked. A stark contrast to her own manicured fingers. She wasn’t going to cry–no, she’d never do that, but that didn’t stop her fantasizing about what it would be like to just lose herself into a dark, dark place, away from the hospital, where she’d be free to just release a plethora of emotion, and perhaps even let a few tears flow. But she wasn’t sure what that would look like, how it would feel…and she’d learnt a long time ago that showing weakness and emotion was never productive. She had to keep it together. For Lena’s sake and for her own.
‘How are you, sis?’ she said. She often spoke to Lena when no one was around. She wasn’t quite sure why, but she figured if Nurse Gratten was right about the research then Lena could perhaps hear and if she could…well, she might want to hear her sister Cara’s voice.
Cara racked her brain and wondered what she should talk about. She’d long since run out of ‘niceties’ days ago–and she now longed to tell Lena all about her worries and her fears. But if she did that then she’d be waiting for Lena to solve everything–something she’d always done in the past. Petty things like small rows with Ade, bar stuff, or that ‘crisis’ she’d had when she’d forgotten her car keys and Lena had had to leave work to drop the spare set off at the bar. At the time, such issues seemed like the most important thing in the world and now…they were nothing.
She sighed deeply, recalling the day she’d just picked up her new souped-up coffee-coloured Mini from Kentish Town, complete with black leather seats, alloy wheels and built-in sat nav. It had to be one of the last times she’d seen Lena. Cara had picked her up for a trip to Tesco’s but her main motivation had been to show the car off to her sister. Yet predictably, Lena wasn’t that impressed (commenting on how the twenty grand she’d paid for it could have fed a million people, or something). Lena was going on about some bloke she’d met on the bus into work, talking about the possibility of changing her route because of him. Yet, Cara couldn’t recall if the man was harassing her or what. She just couldn’t remember much about that time, more concerned with bragging about her new car and latest pair of killer heels. Things that just didn’t matter now. She squeezed her eyes shut, willing herself to remember in more detail what they had spoken about that day. The man. What Lena had wanted to eat that night–anything that could make her feel more connected to Lena; because, at that moment, she’d never felt more alone.
She wracked her brain, but all she could recall was Lena buying a birthday card and then guiltily she heard her own voice, complaining about the bar, talking about herself and not listening at all to Lena.
Surely it hadn’t been that way?
Cara squeezed her sister’s hand. Typical Lena Curtis, always thinking of others. Every time someone’s birthday came around (and they seemed to be on a continual loop), or a kid popped into the world, Lena was always the first with a card, a gift, and a kind word. She never forgot anything or anyone. She seemed to live by her lists. Always planning stuff and scribbling away in her beloved notebook. On numerous occasions, Cara had pointed out the existence of a diary and memo function on her phone, but no, Lena insisted on writing things down. She hated to forget anything.
Bet this wasn’t on the list, big sis, thought Cara sadly as she gazed towards Lena. Her Corkscrew high-lighted curls were still radiant in the light. Once as a teenager, Lena had dyed bits of her hair blue. Her cheeky sense of fun was totally at odds with her sensible self. Yes, Lena was the sensible one, whilst Cara took risks. Millie however…well Millie was just Millie.
Ade returned with the coffee. ‘I just got a call back from that hotel in Brazil.’
‘Oh right,’ she replied with a yawn.
‘Your mother’s already moved on from there and gone elsewhere.’
‘Where to?’
‘I don’t know. Maybe she’s gone to stay with a friend? Does she know any one in Rio de Janeiro? São Paulo?’
‘How should I know? I mean, how hard is it to find one pensioner?’
‘Brazil’s a big place, babe.’
She knew what Ade was thinking. In his head, he was imagining his own close-knit ‘can’t fart without the other knowing’ family. They regularly got together, phoned each other, and knew exactly what everyone was doing. This felt alien to Cara. If one of Ade’s family was ever in trouble, the whole clan would gather immediately to sort things out. She knew he found it difficult to comprehend how she could not have taken down the address of her mother’s hotels as she gallivanted around Brazil. But the truth was, the only person who would have bothered would have been Lena.
‘I hope she gets back soon. She’ll be devastated to know Lena’s been like this for almost two weeks without her knowing,’ he sighed.
‘Don’t bank on it. This is just typical behaviour for her, putting herself first. Even when her daughter’s in hospital, she just can’t be bothered,’ Cara burst out, then immediately felt guilty. Lena didn’t need to hear that.
‘We’ll find her okay?’ assured Ade, gently rubbing her tense shoulder.
But Cara turned back to look at her sister and felt more than a little bit hopeless.
FIVE
‘MILLIE!!!’
‘Huh? Cara?’ said Millie into her mobile phone as she switched off the vacuum cleaner.
‘I’ve been calling you for the last half an hour!’
‘I was hoovering.’
‘Now I know you’re lying!’
‘I was!’ protested Millie.
‘I don’t care! Just get your skinny arse over to the hospital, right NOW!’
‘Has something happened?’ She froze.
‘We’ve been waiting for you for ages and Ade and I have to get to the bar!’