Forever Her Hero
He reached out and tugged at one of Dolly’s pigtails. She let out a squeal of excitement. When Sawyer held up his hand for a high five, Dolly slapped his palm with her own. Sawyer winced and shook his hand as if Dolly had hurt him. She beamed up at him, showcasing her missing front teeth.
Something inside Ava melted a little bit. The kids sorely needed a male presence in their lives. They would benefit by having their uncle Sawyer back in Cape Cod. Admitting her family needed him didn’t change the slow burn eating its way through her.
“Casey. Come say hello to Uncle Sawyer,” Ava said, noticing the way her son was studiously ignoring Sawyer. For a boy who never seemed to miss a thing, it was impossible to believe he was oblivious of Sawyer’s arrival at their home. She suspected her son was playing possum.
Casey continued to sit at the table playing with his grapes, his eyes downcast. He made no attempt to get up from his stool or to speak to Sawyer.
“Casey!” Ava said in a warning tone. “Did you hear me?”
“Hey, buddy.” Sawyer’s tone was playful as he walked over to Casey. “How’s it going?”
Finally, Casey looked up at Sawyer, his eyes glistening with an anger that made her want to wrap her arms around her son and soothe his heartbreak. He’d had so many losses in the past few years, too many to wrap his six-year-old head around. Everything he was feeling radiated from his eyes.
“You told us you’d be coming right back! You don’t keep your promises,” Casey shouted.
She saw Sawyer wince, and she knew Casey, in all his childish fury, had wounded him.
“Casey Trask!” Ava scolded. “You watch your tone of voice in this house. Apologize to your uncle.”
Casey folded his arms across his chest. His lower lip stuck out in a pout. “I’m sorry,” he apologized in a begrudging voice. “But you were gone for three hundred and forty-four days!” Casey announced. “That’s almost a whole year.”
“He marked it on a calendar.” Dolly’s tone was filled with pride. “And I helped him.”
Ava’s heart sank. Marking days on calendars? She’d had no idea the twins had been tracking Sawyer’s absence. What kind of mother had she turned into over the past two years? Yes, in the beginning she’d been aware that they missed him terribly, but as the weeks turned into months they seemed almost indifferent to his absence. It was as if they’d forgotten him, and for some reason she hadn’t done anything to solidify Sawyer’s memory in their minds. She’d been so furious with him for leaving them, so incredibly wounded, a part of her had told herself Sawyer deserved to be forgotten. A feeling of shame trickled through her at the realization. After everything they’d been through together, she had owed him more than that.
“Do you two know what a mission is?” Sawyer asked the children. Both of them nodded, showing they didn’t have a clue. “It’s something very important that helps a lot of people,” he explained. “That’s what I was doing over in Africa. A lot of people were depending on me to help them.”
“So you like those people better than you like us.” Casey’s arms were folded across his chest, and his words sounded accusatory.
“There’s no one in this world I like better than the two of you.” He bent down and went nose-to-nose with Casey. “I’m not going anywhere, Casey. I promise you. I’m back in town to stay.”
“Prove it!” Casey demanded. “When I do something bad to Dolly, Mommy says the best way to show I’m sorry is by my actions.”
Sawyer crossed his arms across his chest. “Oh, you want proof? Okay, come outside with me and I’ll give you proof.”
Sawyer quickly walked toward the back door, with Casey on his heels and Dolly trailing behind them. Filled with curiosity, Ava followed behind them, her interest piqued as Sawyer made his way to the edge of the property. He walked right up to the white picket fence that separated their property from the cliff and the beach down below. From this vantage point they had a bird’s-eye view of miles and miles of ocean and the vast expanse of sandy beach.
Sawyer pointed in the direction of the lighthouse. “Do you know who lives there?” he asked the twins.
They both nodded. “That’s Mr. P’s house,” Dolly chirped. “Except he went to Heaven.”
Sawyer smiled. “Nope. That is not Mr. P’s house. Not anymore.”
Ava could see the confusion on the children’s faces, and it mirrored her own bewilderment. What in the world was Sawyer trying to prove by bringing them outside and showing them the lighthouse? Casey and Dolly were still grappling with Mr. P’s passing. She hoped there was a method to Sawyer’s madness other than reminding the twins of yet another loss.
Sawyer stood there with his arms folded across his chest, a huge smile taking over his face. “I am now the proud owner of Mr. P’s lighthouse.”
“You mean you live there?” Casey asked, eyes wide with amazement.
He nodded enthusiastically, a pleased-with-himself grin etched on his face. “Yep. I live there, Casey. Right next door to you.”
Ava let out a gasp of surprise. Right next door? Sawyer was the man she’d seen darting inside the lighthouse earlier. He was their new neighbor?
As the children jumped up and down in celebration, Ava felt goose bumps popping up on her arms. She wrapped her arms around her middle as she tried to process Sawyer’s news. Living in such close proximity to him might prove to be problematic. Even though they’d once been best friends, a lot of water had flowed under the bridge since then. A part of her longed to go back to those days of innocence when their biggest problem had been coming up with enough money to go to the matinee.
She let out a soft sigh. So many things had changed between them since then, and for the life of her she didn’t know how to get back to that place in time where they’d been able to finish each other’s sentences and thumb wrestle for bragging rights. She didn’t know how to get her best friend back.
Because no matter how hard she tried, Ava couldn’t forget that one year ago they’d shared a tender kiss that had disturbed Sawyer so much he’d taken off for Africa the very next day.
Chapter Two
Fifteen minutes later they were all back inside the house. The twins were peppering him with questions about living in Africa and his coast guard mission. He’d already played a game of Uno with them, as well as one round of Scrabble and three rounds of hide-and-seek. As it neared dinnertime, they begged him to stay for dinner, oblivious of the fact that their mother didn’t seem inclined to issue an invitation. With no shame, the twins took matters into their own hands.
“Mommy, can Uncle Sawyer stay for dinner?” Dolly asked, her hands crossed prayerfully in front of her.
“Can he? That would be so cool,” Casey added. “He can tell us more about Africa.”
“Please, please,” they pleaded in unison.
Ava looked at the twins and nodded, a smile beginning to form at the corners of her mouth. Suddenly, she looked the way she used to, before her world had turned upside down.
Casey shouted, “Yes!” and high-fived his sister. Sawyer was slightly amazed at his quick turnaround. An hour earlier Casey had been angrier than a hornet. Now, secure in the knowledge that his uncle Sawyer was sticking around, he was content.
He wished he could say the same about Casey’s mother. Despite her smile, Ava’s body language told a different story. She seemed tense and on edge. He had the feeling it had everything to do with his presence. When the kids scampered off to pick up their room before dinner, he moved toward the kitchen where Ava was cutting up vegetables for a salad.
“Anything I can do to help?” he offered. The silence between them was beginning to be uncomfortable. The beauty of their relationship had always rested in the easy flow of their conversations and the natural rhythms of their discussions. Ever since he could remember, Ava had been his sounding board, the one person he could always talk to about anything and everything. But something had shifted between them. Ever since he arrived at the house, he’d been itching to fill the empty space lying between them with conversation.
“No, I’ve got it. I’m just making a garden salad with some chicken stir-fry and jasmine rice.” She didn’t even bother to look up at him from her dinner preparations.
“You cut off all your hair.” The words tumbled out of his mouth. For as long as he’d known Ava, her hair had trailed down her back. Now it was a sleek, shoulder-length bob. He stared at her, deciding that the short style suited her delicate features.
“It was too much of a hassle,” she explained, wrinkling her nose. “With the kids in kindergarten now, I have to be out of the house by seven forty-five in order to make it to their school on time. We really hustle in the morning.”
The thought of Ava and the kids bustling around the house in the morning tugged at his heart something fierce. Ever since Billy’s death, she’d valiantly raised the twins and shouldered them through the mourning process. She’d stuffed down her own grief in order to help Casey and Dolly deal with their own fear and pain. According to his aunt Nancy, some nights Ava crumpled her body into their small twin beds and held them in her arms, determined to be there when the nightmares came. From what he’d witnessed firsthand, Ava Trask was an amazing mother.
“You never were a morning person, even when we were kids,” Sawyer teased, wanting to see Ava let loose and relax. She seemed so tense, so ill at ease. He wasn’t sure if it was because of everything she’d been through or because of him.
“When you become a parent you don’t really have a choice,” she explained. “You just have to learn how to adapt, otherwise the kids would be late for school every day and I’d never get anything done around here.”
“If you don’t mind my saying so, you seem less than thrilled about my moving next door,” Sawyer said with a grimace.
She was standing at the kitchen counter dicing green peppers, onions and carrots. Every time the knife hit the cutting block, he winced. She seemed to be on edge and had been avoiding eye contact with him. The vegetables seemed to be taking a beating.
Ava shrugged. “Sawyer, the kids are over the moon about it, so I’m thankful for their sakes.”
“But not your own?” He studied her expression carefully, picking up on her reservations by her pursed lips and the awkward tilt of her head.
She sighed. “I didn’t say that. It’s just that we haven’t seen you for a year, and then you turn up on the beach having just bought the lighthouse next door.” She let out a shaky laugh. “You have to admit, it’s a little unexpected.”
“Ava, you know how I feel about Mr. P’s lighthouse. I’ve loved it since the first time I saw it.” He studied her expression, wondering if she remembered all the times Mr. P had invited them over to his lighthouse when they were kids. He’d been amazing to them, as generous and kind as one could imagine. Between playing pirate, teaching them to catch crabs and watching old movies with them, he’d played the role of grandfather in their lives. He’d taught Sawyer what it meant to be part of a community and how to establish bonds that lasted a lifetime.
“Is it odd to want to help out my family?”
“No, not at all.” She let out a sigh. “But I don’t want to rely on someone who—”
“Who bailed on you?” he said in a gruff tone. “Just say it.”
She finally looked straight at him. “What the twins need most of all is consistency. I’m not trying to make you feel bad, but when you left it took us a long time to get back to normal.”
As they locked gazes, tension crackled in the air between them. Ava looked away, focusing instead on the cutting board. “After Billy died, you were our rock. You did so much for us. No matter what, I’ll always be grateful for that.” Midway through, her voice became husky with emotion. “Other than my sisters, you were there for us like nobody else.”
“Why is it so hard to look at me, Ava? Are you still that angry at me?” he asked in a gentle voice. “Am I still unforgiven?”
She looked at him, her hazel eyes brimming with emotion. She slammed her palm down on the counter. Her graceful hands were shaking. “Why? Because the last time the two of us were alone together you kissed me. And the very next day you were packing for Africa, as if you couldn’t wait to get as far away from me as humanly possible. And for the past year I’ve been blaming myself for my kids losing yet another person they love.”
* * *
Did she really just bring up that ill-fated kiss? That sweet, tender kiss he’d been trying to forget for a whole year?
Although the kiss had been at the forefront of his mind ever since he’d left for Africa, he’d never expected Ava to mention it. It was a sore subject for him. He felt as if he’d crossed a line by kissing her, and he’d been second-guessing himself ever since. For so long now he’d thought of her as Billy’s wife, as far out of reach as a constellation in the sky. His feelings had always been under the radar until that life-altering moment when he’d acted on impulse and pressed his lips against hers. And because she’d still been knee-deep in mourning, he’d never wanted Ava to think he was trying to take advantage of a grief-stricken widow. Their twenty-five-year friendship meant too much to him to risk losing.
“That kiss was impulsive,” he admitted, choosing his words carefully. “We’d been spending so much time together, day in, day out. We were both grieving for Billy.” He shrugged. “It should never have happened.”
“Was it why you left?” she asked. Her eyes were beseeching him to be straight with her. “Please, be honest with me. I feel like everything shifted between us after that night. And then you were gone. I lost my best friend.” There was so much vulnerability in her voice. It made him want to reach out to her, to put his arms around her and shelter her from all her doubts. But he couldn’t do that, no matter how much he wanted to hold her. There were still too many things he’d never come clean about.
“No, Ava. It wasn’t the reason I left. The mission in Sierra Leone was a lot more important than a random kiss. Please don’t blame yourself.” As far as the truth was concerned, he hadn’t told her any lies. The kiss hadn’t been the sole reason he’d accepted the Africa assignment. There had been other factors, things he didn’t want to lay at her feet. He knew he was minimizing the kiss, but he couldn’t admit to Ava what it had meant to him. If he did, nothing between them would ever be the same. The last thing he wanted to do was complicate her life, to make her grieving process any more difficult. As it was, their friendship seemed to be hanging on by a thread.
“And for the record, you could never lose me. Not in a million years.” He felt a warmth spreading in his chest as his own sentiments rolled over him. She meant the world to him. How could she not know that? Had his overseas mission caused her to doubt what they’d always meant to each other? Ava’s face tensed up for a second, and then she seemed to relax. He watched as she let out a deep sigh.
Dear Lord, forgive me for bending the truth about the kiss. The last thing I want to do is hurt Ava, to put her on the spot by telling her that after our kiss I needed to get as far away from her as possible. Because the truth is I was starting to fall head over heels for my cousin’s widow, and I couldn’t handle the guilt. So I did the only thing that made sense at the time. I put a world of distance between us.
He’d learned a year ago that pushing for something more with Ava was unfair. His feelings for her had always been deep and powerful, ever since they were kids. Although they’d been best buddies growing up, deep down he’d always felt something special between them. When he’d left Cape Cod to attend the Coast Guard Academy and she’d started dating Billy, it had been a harsh blow to recover from. He’d kept quiet, though, never letting Ava know he was hurt and jealous. In his mind she would forever be the one who’d gotten away. Many times he’d asked God to grant him the grace to accept that Ava had chosen Billy as her life partner. Many times he’d knelt before God and prayed for his feelings to disappear. And for many years he’d believed that what he felt for Ava was buried so deep down that no one ever suspected a thing. Until that terrible night when Billy had called him out and accused him of wanting Ava for himself. Until tragedy had altered all of their lives.
“So, we’re good?” Ava asked, a slight frown furrowing her brow.
He reached across the butcher block counter and reached for her hand. Her hand was soft and supple, radiating warmth. It felt so good to be touching her, connecting with her. He couldn’t even put into words how much he’d missed her. “We’re good,” he said with a nod. “Better than good.”
The noisy clatter of the children heralded their arrival in the kitchen. Sawyer quickly pulled his hand away, and Ava placed her hands on the counter. “Three minutes to dinner,” she announced in a breathy voice. “Why don’t the two of you head to the sink and wash up?”
Dolly looked up at him. “Don’t you have to get washed up, too? Kids aren’t the only ones with germy hands.”
Sawyer let loose with a hearty chuckle. He’d missed the twins’ blunt outlook on life. He’d missed being able to laugh out loud. There hadn’t been much to laugh about in Sierra Leone, although he’d bonded with the local children and learned a lot about their culture. Although a coast guard presence in the region had been crucial, it had been a personal hardship to be over there for such a long time.
“I won’t give you any argument about that, Miss Dolly,” he answered. “Ladies first.” He bent over and waved his hand in the air as if she were royalty. Dolly raced by him toward the kitchen sink, followed closely by Casey. He joined them, passing by their refrigerator decorated with artwork and family photos. A heart-shaped magnet said God Bless This Home. When he spotted a photo of himself standing next to Billy, both of them holding a twin in their arms, he found himself getting choked up. He remembered the moment vividly. It was the day of their baptism, and as honorary uncle to both of the twins, he’d proudly posed for a picture with his cousin.
“If anything happens to me, I want you to watch over Casey and Dolly. You’re the closest thing to a brother I have, and I want my kids to know you as Uncle Sawyer.” Billy’s words came flooding back to him. Guilt seized him by the throat. He’d let Billy down. He hadn’t watched over the twins. Not for the past year anyway. He’d been too busy running away—from his feelings, from his guilt, from his pain, from that unforgettable kiss. The memory of Billy’s words had been part of the reason he’d come back earlier than planned. He had a responsibility to the twins, not only as their honorary uncle, but because of the heartfelt wish Billy had expressed to him on that day.
And no matter what happened from this point forward, he was going to uphold his promise, even though it would place him in direct contact with Ava.
* * *
As they settled in around the dinner table, Ava had to admit to herself that she felt happier than she had in quite some time. Seeing the kids so overjoyed about Sawyer’s return made her feel grateful. And if she was being honest, she had to admit she felt some stirrings within her own soul. For so long now she’d felt a little frozen, as if nothing could penetrate the shield she’d placed around her heart. Even though she was a bit embarrassed about lashing out at Sawyer, at least she’d felt a strong emotion. At least she’d felt something other than numbness. For the first time in a long while, she felt alive.
No matter what issues stood between them, she was thankful Sawyer had made it back safe and sound. From the little she knew about Sierra Leone, it was a dangerous place. Civil wars, violence and disease were an everyday part of life there. Although she knew the coast guard had important missions to conduct, she was relieved Sawyer would be out of the line of fire. The thought of losing another person she loved was too painful to even consider. She didn’t want to think about Sawyer being gone from her world. Especially since he’d just come back to them.
“Who wants to say grace?” Sawyer asked. He looked around the table, going from one face to the next. The twins looked at each other with a baffled expression and shrugged their shoulders.
Her cheeks flushed with embarrassment. “We don’t always say grace,” she admitted. “We’ve gotten out of the habit.”
Sawyer looked taken aback for a moment, but he quickly recovered as he extended his hands to the twins, who were seated on either side of him. She reached out and clasped hands with Casey and Dolly so that they formed a circle of four. She bowed her head, hoping Sawyer would take the lead and say Grace. Although she knew the words by heart, she was afraid she would stumble over the blessing.
“Dear Lord,” Sawyer began in a strong, steady voice, “we offer thanks for this wonderful meal, lovingly prepared by Ava. We thank you for the abundant gifts you bestow on us each and every day. Thank you for watching over this family and for guiding me safely back home where I belong. Amen.”
“Amen,” she said in unison with the children. Hearing Sawyer’s blessing caused a warm heat to spread through her chest. It meant the world to her that she and the kids were in his thoughts and prayers. Somehow it made her feel safe and protected. It had been a long time since she’d felt that way.
They all dug into the stir-fry, enjoying a companionable silence as they ate. Having Sawyer sit down to a meal with her family seemed to be a big hit with the twins. Neither of them could take their eyes off him. He was the main attraction. It was amazing how quickly they’d taken him back into their hearts, considering the length of time he’d been away. There was no trace of Casey’s earlier resentment. Resilience. Kids were known for being able to bounce back, weren’t they? Sometimes she forgot that their little hearts were stronger than she could ever imagine.
“Uncle Sawyer,” Dolly said in a garbled voice. “Are you coming to the wedding?”
“Dolly, it might be more polite to talk without the food in your mouth,” Ava cautioned. Her daughter’s cheeks were stuffed to the brim, causing her to resemble a squirrel storing acorns.
Dolly’s eyes got big, and she made a dramatic effort at swallowing her food. She then reached for her glass of water and took a few sips. “Uncle Sawyer,” she repeated. “Are you coming to the wedding?”
Sawyer’s lips twitched with amusement. “Cousin Melanie’s wedding?” Dolly nodded her head enthusiastically. Growing up in a sea of boy cousins, Melanie had always occupied a special place in all of their hearts. Sawyer treated Dolly to a full-fledged smile. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world, even though I just heard about it yesterday.” He frowned. “Who’s this guy she’s fallen so madly in love with?”
“His name is Doug, and he’s awesome,” Casey raved, his brown eyes glittering with excitement. “He’s got a motorcycle and everything.”
“I get to be a flower girl,” Dolly shouted. “And I have a pretty new dress to wear.”
Casey stuck his lip out. “And I get to be the ring boy.”
Dolly snorted with laughter and covered her mouth with her hand. “It’s ring bearer, Casey,” she sputtered. Casey shot her a dirty look and jabbed her in the side. Dolly retaliated, beginning a back-and-forth war that threatened to get out of control. Ava wondered if her face betrayed her exasperation. Lately, more times than not, Casey and Dolly couldn’t get through a meal without invading each other’s personal space and getting on one another’s nerves, as well as her own.
“Who wants to hear a story about your mom when she was around your age?” Sawyer asked smoothly, diverting the kids’ attention from their squabble. Casey and Dolly jumped on the opportunity, and, in the process, forgot all about their feud. Ava was slightly in awe. Sawyer had serious skills. He’d thrown the question out there like a perfectly aimed pitch. The kids had never even seen it coming. They were sitting quietly, waiting expectantly for the story to begin.