The Baby They Longed For

‘Bugger,’ Cliff said, and then added a couple more expletives for good measure. ‘We didn’t even know... I’m so sorry, love.’ He then proceeded to be entirely unprofessional by stooping and giving Addie a hug.

‘Hell, Ad, this is the pits but don’t worry. I’ll be watching our new surgeon every step of the way. Let’s get you into Theatre and get things cleared. And if you want to be pregnant... This’ll just be a blip. Maryanne had two miscarriages before she had Michael, and now we have four boys. Hiccups are what happens when you start a family. Don’t cry, love, don’t cry.’

So he hugged and Noah turned away and headed for the sinks. He felt like he’d felt on Addie’s wedding day. Helpless. And...he had no right to comfort her, so why did it seem so wrong that it wasn’t him who did the hugging?

* * *

An ectopic pregnancy was always a grief. Growing in the fallopian tubes instead of in the womb, there was no chance a baby could survive. Someday someone might figure a way such a pregnancy could be transplanted to the womb, Noah thought, but that day was a long way off.

By the time of the rupture, the embryo was lifeless. The pressure was on to save the mother. Preserving fertility had to come second. When a woman had a complete family and there was no need to try and make future pregnancies viable, the surgery was much simpler but now... Noah was calling on skills he barely had.

Cliff was good. Noah had checked out the credentials of his anaesthetist before taking on the job, but he’d never worked with him. The fact that he was personally involved could have been a worry, but from the moment he’d released Addie from the hug Cliff had turned pure professional.

‘You focus on your end. Leave everything else to me,’ Cliff growled, and at least Noah could stop thinking about blood pressure, about the logistics of keeping a haemorrhaging patient alive, and focus purely on the technical.

Except he couldn’t quite, because this was Addie.

Separation of personal to professional...how hard was that? He’d glanced at Cliff as Addie had slipped under, and he’d seen grimness in the man’s expression. He wasn’t the only one caught in personal distress for the woman they were operating on.

But why did he feel like this?

In truth he’d only had a working relationship, with Gavin as well as Addie. He’d been Gavin’s boss but he’d been surprised to be asked to be best man. Gavin had obviously kept his life compartmentalised. Work, home and stuff-that-no-one-was-to-know-about. Until after the wedding fiasco when the hospital grapevine had practically exploded.

Addie had kept to herself, too, but where Gavin’s lesser-known compartment had turned out to be spectacular, Addie’s seemed anything but. The grapevine said that she worked and she looked after her mother. At the hospital she and Noah had occasionally operated or consulted together, but he’d thought her quiet, almost mousy. Technically skilled. Conscientious. Nothing special.

He’d operated on colleagues before, men and women he’d known far better than this. So now...why was it so hard to block out the thought of Addie’s distress, the sight of her face, bleached by fear and shock?

He had to block it out. Her life depended on it.

The first part of the surgery was straightforward. An incision, finding the source of the bleeding, removing the unviable pregnancy. There was inflammation around it, and bleeding from the rupture.

‘Possible to do a salpingotomy?’ Cliff queried as Noah cleared and tried to see what he was left with.

Salpingotomy was the removal of the damaged embryo and then microscopic repair and preservation of the fallopian tube. He looked at the damage under his hands and shook his head. Such microscopic surgery took real obstetric skill, skills he wasn’t sure he possessed. There wasn’t time to transfer her to Sydney for a specialist obstetric surgeon to take over, but even if there had been...

‘Not possible,’ he growled. ‘There’s too much damage to preserve it.’ It had to be a salpingectomy, the complete removal of the tube. ‘Future fertility rates aren’t so different,’ he muttered, talking to himself rather than to Cliff.

Cliff gave him a searching look and then nodded and went back to his monitors.

There was the sound of a sob from somewhere behind him—from one of the nurses.

So Addie was loved? She’d been working in this hospital for three years. A small hospital where people had come to know her.

He worked on, but as he did he was increasingly aware of the tension around him.

‘We didn’t even know she was pregnant,’ the theatre nurse, Heidi, a woman in her fifties, muttered as he completed the removal of the damaged tube. ‘There’s never been a hint of a guy. She’s been going back and forth to Sydney but only ever overnight. She never takes holidays. We thought...’ She swallowed, biting back what she thought. ‘The other tube?’

‘Looks good,’ he muttered, and felt a ripple of relief through the theatre.

‘It’s still awful.’ Heidi was still looking distressed. ‘Chances of successful pregnancy after...’

‘It’s better than death,’ Cliff said roughly. ‘The chances aren’t zero. Leave it, Heidi. We all need to be positive, for Addie’s sake.’

Noah was closing, carefully ensuring everything that could be done was done. If he’d been able to preserve the tube Addie would be facing constant monitoring over the next few weeks, to ensure there was no further growth in the tube, but at least now it was straightforward.

She’d recover. She’d get on with life.

Just as she had after the wedding, he thought. Just as she had after being humiliated to the socks, standing jilted at a church with everyone she loved around her.

Everyone she loved?

Who loved Addie?

It was none of his business, he told himself. Addie was now a recovering patient. His patient. He needed to invoke professional detachment.

Like that was going to happen.

Cliff was reversing the anaesthetic. Heidi was leaning over Addie, ready to reassure her the minute she came around. A couple of other nurses stood in the background, looking distressed and concerned.

These were her people now. They were...all she had?

Regardless, they were here for her. He, on the other hand, was part of a nightmare from a distant past, and now he’d be part of today’s nightmare.

He stepped away from the table, feeling almost light-headed. There was nothing else he could do.

‘I’ll leave her to you,’ he told the staff. ‘I... Look after her. Constant obs. Don’t leave her for a moment. I’ll check back in an hour or so but I’m on the end of the phone if I’m needed before then.’

‘Yeah, you need to unpack and settle,’ Cliff said, roughly though, and Noah knew how deeply all those around the table were affected. ‘Thanks, mate. You don’t know how grateful we are that you were here for us.’

Us?

He looked down again at Addie and thought, This is your family. The hospital staff.

It was all she had?

Why did that feel so bad?

‘Do you have everything you need?’ Heidi asked, and he pulled himself together.

‘Yes. Thank you. I won’t be far away. Keep continual obs on her until I say not.’ He’d already said it but it seemed important to say it again. She couldn’t be left alone.

‘Of course we will,’ Heidi told him, and turned back to Addie. Noah was free to go.

After cleaning up post-op, he walked out onto the veranda and then further, out to the cliffs overlooking the beach.

Addie had lost her baby.

A baby...

Sophie...

For a moment he felt so dizzy he thought he’d be ill.

How could he ever have thought he could get away from this grief through work? He should have taken a job as a street cleaner for six months. Anything.

To lose a child...

‘Get a grip,’ he told himself, fiercely, as if it was important to make himself hear. ‘You can’t stop being a doctor because you’ve lost...’

‘I haven’t lost. Not yet.’

It felt like he had. Where was Sophie now? If he didn’t win...

‘Move on,’ he told himself harshly. ‘One step in front of the other, for as long as it takes.’

* * *

The grief was with her almost before she woke, almost before she remembered why she was grieving. It washed across her like a great black wave, swallowing all.

‘Hey.’ Heidi was holding her hand. ‘Hey, Addie. You’re okay.’

‘My baby... I’ve lost...’

‘Oh, Addie, we’re so sorry. Yes, you’ve lost the baby but our new surgeon was wonderful. He’s so skilled. He thinks...we all think that things will be fine.’

Fine. She let the word roll around her head as reality seeped back.

Noah was here, and he thought things were fine.

She should have hit him harder.

* * *

He unpacked, headed back out to the veranda and thought about a walk, but first he needed to check on Addie again. She should be on the other side of the anaesthetic, and the reality of what had happened would be sinking in.

There’d been no call from the nurses so things must be okay physically. But not only had she lost her baby, she’d know the chances of future pregnancies were now reduced. Future pregnancies weren’t impossible but it’d be a concern adding to the grief of her loss.

The nurses would look after her. They knew her and cared for her. As for him... He’d been there when she’d been jilted. He’d been there when she’d lost her baby. He was someone she could well never wish to see again, he conceded, but she might have questions. He owed it to her to answer them if she did.

To lose a child... If someone could answer his questions...

Don’t go there, he told himself savagely. He needed to block it. This was all about Addie.

He headed back into the hospital and a young nurse turned from the phone at the front desk, greeting him with relief.

‘Mr McPherson. We were hoping you might not have left the hospital. We have a ten-year-old coming in from down the coast. He fell trying to reach a bird’s nest and his dad thinks he’s broken his leg. He should be here in about twenty minutes. I know you’re not supposed to start until Monday, but seeing you’re here...’

So much for taking the weekend to get acclimatised, he thought ruefully. Work started now.

But...was work Addie?

Professionally only, he told himself.

He’d come to Currawong Bay to put a failed marriage behind him and to cope with an interminable wait. And Addie? Had she come here for the same reason? If so, the last person she’d want to see would be him, but for now he was her doctor. She’d have to wear it. She’d had enough pain today to mean the little more his presence added shouldn’t make too much difference.

* * *

Addie lay back on the pillows and stared at the ceiling and thought...blank.

Nothing, nothing and nothing.

She might have known it would never work. For the last few weeks she’d been gloriously, ridiculously happy. The first twinges of morning sickness had been met with joy. She was going to be part of a family.

Admittedly it’d be a very small family—one mother and one baby—but it would be a family nonetheless. Here, in this hospital, she had the support around her to make it happen. This was a lovely little community and they’d welcomed her with open arms. There was one grumpy nurse administrator but she’d even been able to manoeuvre that into a working relationship. In the three years she’d been here she’d helped deliver countless babies, she’d made good friends, and she knew she could count on the staff and the community to help her.

Except now she wouldn’t need them. Her hands fell to her tummy, to the wad of dressing where a tiny bump had been before, and she felt her eyes fill with tears.

She wouldn’t cry. She never cried, not when Gavin had jilted her, not when her mum had died, not ever.

Oh, but her baby...

‘Can I come in?’ It was a light tap and Noah McPherson was at the door.

Of all the people to see her cry... Noah. She swiped the tears from her face and fought for dignity. The surge of anger she’d felt as she’d emerged from the anaesthetic had faded. It wasn’t his fault Gavin had jilted her. It wasn’t his fault she’d lost her baby.

He was a doctor, nothing more.

A doctor she’d hit. On top of everything else she was now cringing with remembered humiliation.

‘Of course,’ she managed. The junior nurse who’d been sitting beside her looked a query at Noah and then slipped away, leaving her alone with a man...who’d saved her life?

A man she’d hit.

‘They tell me...you did a good job,’ she said, struggling to find words. ‘The best you could.’

‘Addie, I’m so sorry you’ve lost your baby.’

He didn’t need to be sympathetic. She didn’t want him to be sympathetic.

She wanted her mum. Anyone. No one.

Not Noah.

‘It’s okay.’

‘I’m very sure it’s not,’ he said gently. ‘I can’t imagine how you’re feeling. Can I sit down?’

‘I... Of course.’ What else was there to say?

He sat on the chair the nurse had just vacated. For a moment she thought he was intending to reach out and take her hand and she hauled it under the covers pre-emptively. She saw him wince.

‘I need to talk to you as your doctor,’ he told her. ‘That’s all. Can you stand it?’

‘Of...of course I can.’

He nodded, gravely. ‘There’s not a lot of good news but there is some. Addie...your baby... You know it was tragic chance that she started developing in the fallopian tube.’

‘She?’ she whispered. Her baby...

‘That’s an assumption,’ he said gravely. ‘I thought you said her. Am I right?’

‘I did...think of her as a girl,’ she said grudgingly, and her hands felt the dressing again. ‘I... I know it’s dumb but I was already thinking... Rose for my grandmother? But that’s crazy.’

‘It’s not crazy at all,’ he said gently. ‘Rose. That’s who she was. She was real, a baby who sadly started growing where she had no chance of survival.’

She could hardly speak. She. Her baby. He’d even said her name, a name that she’d almost felt silly for dreaming of. And for some reason it helped. For the last few weeks, filled with wonder and anticipation, she’d been talking to the tiny bump she could scarcely feel. And, yes, she knew she was a girl. At some primeval level...

Or was that because she had so little knowledge of boys? Her family had always been women. Well, two women, herself and her mum.

So many emotions... She wasn’t thinking straight. The anaesthetic was still making its effects felt. She lay back on the pillows and closed her eyes.

‘Addie...’

‘Mmm...’ She wanted to be left alone, in her cocoon of grief. Life felt...barren. She wanted... She wanted...

‘Addie, let’s talk practicalities,’ Noah said, strongly now, and regardless of what she wanted he reached out and took her hand. He held it strongly, a warm, firm hold, the reassurance of one human being touching another. She didn’t want it but, oh...she needed it. She should pull away but she didn’t. Practicalities? Something solid?

Something solid like Noah, she thought, and his hand...helped.

‘We might be able to preserve your embryo for burial if that’s what you wish,’ Noah told her. ‘It’ll need to go to Pathology but after that... There might be something. If you wish.’

‘I...’ It was something. Something to hold to. The remnants of her dream? A place to mourn? ‘I do wish.’

‘Then I’ll try to make it happen. No promises but I’ll do my best. For now, though, Addie, can we talk through the results of the surgery? Or do you want to leave it until later?’

‘Now.’ It was scarcely a whisper. How hard was this?

‘Then I need to tell you that I had to remove the entire tube,’ he told her, in that gentle but professional voice that was somehow what she needed. ‘It was ruptured, and even if I’d managed to suture it, chances are there’d be microscopic embryonic tissue I couldn’t remove, tissue that might cause even more problems in the future. So that’s grim news. But, Addie, I checked the other tube and it’s perfect. Perfect, Addie.’

‘It doesn’t mean...’ She stopped. Her words had been a whisper and they faded out, but he knew what she’d been about to say.

‘It doesn’t mean future pregnancies are assured,’ he finished for her. ‘We both know that. But it does mean future pregnancies are possible. More than possible. You need to give yourself a couple of months to let your body heal, and let yourself heal, too, but then there’s no reason why you shouldn’t try again.’

He saw her face close in pain. This was one of the hardest conversations...talking about a future pregnancy when she’d barely started her grieving over this one. But this was his job, laying out the facts. The facts needed to be implanted, to be there when she needed them.

‘You’re an obstetrician,’ he said gently. ‘You know the odds better than I do, but for now you don’t need to think of them. Put them away for later. For now, just focus on you, on what you need, and on your grief for your tiny daughter.’

‘You sound like you think she was real?’

‘Isn’t she real, Addie? Your Rose?’

He watched her face. This was the hardest part, he thought.

He remembered past lectures, dry as dust, the technicalities of surgical removal of ectopic pregnancies. But he’d sat in the lectures and looked at the diagrams of the baby developing in the fallopian tubes and he’d thought...it involved a death. A loss. A grief. No matter what happened to cause the end of a pregnancy, there must still be grief. He’d understood it then, he’d had it enforced later from harsh, brutal experience and now, watching Addie’s face, he knew it even more strongly.

‘She was...my daughter,’ she whispered. ‘For such a short time.’

‘And she was loved,’ he said gently. ‘And she’ll always be a part of you. But for now...’ The look of strain on her face was almost unbearable. ‘You need to sleep. Do what your body tells you, Addie. The nurse will be coming back. If you need anything more, I’m within calling distance.’

‘I... I know,’ she muttered. ‘Oh, Noah... I slapped you.’

‘You’re welcome to slap me again if it helps,’ he told her, and smiled. ‘Anything you want, just not as long as it stops you sleeping.’ And then he paused. Someone had knocked on the ward door. A head poked around, Henry, the hospital administrator, his face puckered in concern. Things must be pretty bad to haul him from his golf, Noah thought, but as he surged into the room he remembered the distress on the faces of the theatre staff and he knew that Addie was indeed loved.

It made him feel better—sort of—but it also made him feel...bleak.

Why? He wasn’t sure. But Henry was stooping to give Addie a careful kiss and the feeling of bleakness intensified.

‘I’ll leave you to Henry,’ he managed. ‘No more than five minutes, though, Henry, and the nurse needs to return before you leave. Addie needs to sleep.’

‘She needs to sleep for months,’ Henry said roundly. ‘We’ve been telling her and telling her. Long weekends, that’s all she’ll ever take. Cliff rang me and I was never more shocked. Yes, I know it’s hard to get staff to cover but, Addie, you now have no choice. We’re running you out of town. Dr McPherson’s shown he’s more than capable of dealing with obstetric drama and we’ll put in a call for an emergency locum to cover for you. You’re heading to Sydney or wherever you want, maybe the Gold Coast, maybe further north, the Great Barrier Reef, somewhere you can lie in the sun for a couple of months and let your body recover.’

‘A couple of months!’ Addie sounded horrified.

‘Absolutely,’ Henry told her. ‘At a quick calculation, you’re due for nine weeks’ leave, plus sick leave. So we’re not taking no for an answer. My family has an apartment overlooking the beach on the Gold Coast if you want, or you could choose an alternative. Just not here. Addie, you could almost learn to play golf in two months. There’s a life skill. But rest is paramount. Isn’t that right, Dr McPherson?’

‘You do need to rest,’ Noah concurred.

‘There. It’s all settled. No argument. The nurses are out there planning and Morvena’s already contacting locums. For the next few weeks we don’t need you.’

And then Heidi appeared in the doorway with meds and Henry turned to Heidi and started discussing the pros and cons of Gold Coast versus Great Barrier Reef and it was time for Noah to back away. From her...family?

‘Two more minutes and then sleep,’ he said warningly, and got a nod of distracted agreement from Heidi and Henry.

Addie didn’t need him any more. He was free to go.

Free.

That was what he had to get used to.

CHAPTER THREE

Two months later

SHE SHOULD HAVE moved on. Maybe she should have started a new life altogether, but she’d already been there, done that, got the T-shirt.

A two-month break had changed a lot of things. But she knew she could move forward in Currawong.

During the whole time she’d been convalescing, the hospital staff, the Currawong mums she’d delivered, sometimes seemingly the whole community, had kept in touch as much as she wanted.

Currawong felt like home.

There was the hitch that Noah McPherson would still be living in the doctors’ quarters. He’d been with her during two of the worst moments in her life. His presence made her feel...vulnerable.

She’d slapped him when he’d been nothing but a messenger for Gavin’s cowardly retreat. For that she felt embarrassment and guilt.

He’d saved her life, but that also meant he’d been with her when she’d lost her baby. He’d seen her raw and exposed.

But he’d been kind. He’d also been professional and that was the way their relationship needed to go forward.

She’d written him a polite note, apologising once again for the slap and thanking him for his medical intervention.

During the last couple of months, she’d occasionally found herself thinking about him. His concern at the wedding, so harshly rewarded by her over-the-top reaction. His skill and his kindness when she’d lost her baby.

The feel of his hand...

Yeah, and that was entirely unprofessional. Professional was what she needed to be.

Moving on... The new, professional Addie.

She unlocked the door to the doctors’ quarters and tugged her crimson, sparkly wheelie suitcase inside. Tugged? Not so much. This beauty wheeled at a touch. She let it go and watched in satisfaction as it freewheeled halfway across the sitting room. Nice. Her luggage was part of her new look, her revamp, her declaration to the world that she was moving on. This community needed a dedicated obstetrician and that’s what they’d get.

Albeit a sparkly one.

She hadn’t gone completely sparkly. Just a touch. She was wearing a rainbow-coloured sun frock, cinched at the waist. She’d let her hair fly free. Her now silver-blonde hair was streaked with soft amethyst streaks. She was wearing oversized amethyst earrings and a single drop necklace, and her brand-new glasses had a hint of amethyst in their silver rims.

She checked herself in the mirror above the hallstand and was pleased to approve.

And then she saw Noah. The fly in her ointment. This place was home...but Noah? A ghost from her past?

Her intention to stay completely professional flew out the window. Memories of that appalling wedding... Memories of her loss...

He’d signed on for six months. That meant he was here for four more months.

Maybe it was time she got herself her own place to live. The convenience of being right at the hospital for obstetric emergencies had kept her here, but there were alternatives.

‘Addie...’ He was dressed in chinos and a short-sleeved shirt, with a stethoscope dangling from his side pocket. He looked vaguely rumpled, as if he’d had a long day.