When I Surrender

Chapter Four

McKenna

I took my time getting ready, telling myself I wanted to look nice for the library fundraiser. It was an after-hours event with hor d’oeuvres and wine tasting. I should dress up a little, right? It had nothing to do with seeing Knox after. Yeah, right.

I was still reeling with the emotional turmoil stirred up by being near Knox. Getting away last weekend for the retreat was supposed to bring clarity, but all it did was make me miss him more. And then knowing he planned his work day around seeing me at the soup kitchen yesterday had torn down my final wall. Every time I thought I had Knox figured out, he surprised me and pulled me back in. With him, I knew the road was guaranteed to be bumpy, but at last I was moving forward.

I inspected myself in the mirror one final time. My dark hair fell in loose waves down my back and my fitted black pants and silky gray blouse looked simple, but chic. I puckered my lips in the mirror and added a dab of pink lip gloss. Stop stalling, McKenna. I grabbed my coat and purse and flipped off my bedroom light.

‘You look nice,’ Brian said as I entered the living area. The football game was playing in the background. I found it sort of oddly endearing how he’d become a hardcore Chicago sports fan, now cheering for every local team. It was just another way he’d changed his life and habits to support me in this move.

‘Thanks.’ I smoothed my hands over the fabric of my pants. ‘I have this fundraiser thingy at the library tonight.’

‘You look like you’re going on a date.’ His eyes glanced over my curves and came to a stop on my face again. My cheeks heated.

‘Nope. Just the library.’

‘Maybe I should join you.’

‘No!’ He couldn’t know I was going to Knox’s after. I calmed my voice and started again. ‘I mean, no, that’s not necessary. It’ll probably be boring. A few speeches and sign up opportunities for volunteer work in the coming year. Nothing too exciting. Besides, I wouldn’t want you to miss the Bears winning their big game.’

‘You know I would for you.’

He was too good to me and I was hit with a pang of guilt about lying where I was headed. ‘Thanks, but no. You stay, enjoy your game.’ I slipped on my coat. If the chill in the fall air was any indication, winter was just around the corner.

‘Hey, you wanna do something this weekend?’

‘Uh, sure. Sounds great, Bri.’ It was probably time we put this awkwardness behind us and forget about his fight with Knox.

The closer I got to Knox’s place, the more anxious I became. I was fidgety and distracted all during the fundraiser and watching the clock hadn’t helped. The entire evening had dragged by at a snail’s pace.

Knox was like a magnet drawing me to him. The pull was primitive and all consuming. And not because I was a fixer, like Brian said, but because our wounded souls found solace in the company of each other. He’d been like a balm to my unseen injuries. And I’d wanted to believe I was his healing balm, too. But I hated that I hadn’t been. Despite his little speech in the bathroom, I worried he was still seeking nameless, faceless girls to soothe his aches, which was why I needed to face reality. Sex was his drug of choice. If I’d really meant something to him, he would give all that up, right? I questioned if he could have a relationship that wasn’t based on sex. I needed to hear what he had to say tonight, even if it destroyed me in the process.

It was nearly 8:30 by the time I arrived and as I stood waiting on the porch for him to answer the door, I took a few deep breaths of cool air and promised myself that nothing would happen between us. Remembering how his tender kisses and skilled fingers had felt, I inwardly groaned. I needed to be strong.

The door swung open and Knox stood there in jeans, bare feet, and a white T-shirt looking sexy and sinful. ‘Change of plans,’ he growled.

I followed him inside and shut the door. It was dark and quiet inside. ‘Knox?’ He continued to the stairs and began climbing them silently. I hurried to keep up with him. ‘What’s wrong?’ His sweet, gentle demeanor from yesterday morning had disappeared, but I wasn’t about to let him shut down on me now. We’d come too far for that, hadn’t we? We were supposed to talk tonight. ‘Knox, what happened?’ I asked again as we entered his bedroom.

He opened a dresser drawer, digging through the pile of clothes until he pulled out a long sleeved black T-shirt. ‘We’re going out. I need to blow off some steam.’

I wondered what had changed his mood and turned him into this closed off version of himself. If he’d slipped up and been with someone, would he tell me? ‘Where are we going?’

‘To the bar. I need a drink.’ He tugged the shirt on over his head and sat down on the bed to put on socks and his boots.

I’d never been to a bar. I was of legal age, but somehow it was just one of those things I hadn’t gotten around to yet. The idea of going out with Knox made the skin of the back of my neck tingle pleasantly. ‘If I go out with you, will you tell me what happened?’

Dark eyes leapt up to mine as Knox finished lacing his boots. ‘Jaxon got in a fight a school. He fucked…um, slept with the quarterback’s girlfriend right before the big game.’

‘Oh. Did you talk to him, find out why he’d do that?’

‘Of course I talked to him. He said the guy was a douche bag and they have gym class together and the guy was always an ass to him. So he wanted revenge. But the team lost their football game because the quarterback was so torn up.’

‘And then they fought?’

Knox shook his head. ‘No. He got jumped. Because once word got out what Jaxon had done, half the school was pissed at him.’

‘And the other half?’

‘Thought he was a hero.’

Wow. Talk about high school drama. ‘Is he okay?’

‘He’ll live. He’s got some bruises and a fat lip.’

‘Is he here?’ The nurturer in me wanted to go see if he was okay. Maybe bring him some pain reliever and some ice for the swelling, talk to him about his actions.

Knox nodded. ‘Yeah, but they’re all in bed early tonight.’

It sounded to me like he’d punished all three boys and sent them to bed early because of Jaxon’s mistake, but I kept my mouth shut, unwilling to question him when he was in such a foul mood.

Knox rose from the bed and stalked toward me. ‘You ready?’

His plan worried me. Anytime his life got stressful, Knox turned to drinking and sex. I knew they went hand in hand for him. Sudden unease at what the night held in store settled in the pit of my stomach. ‘I don’t know, Knox. Me? At a bar?’

He shot me a pointed stare. ‘What do you do to blow off steam?’

Without giving it a second thought, I rattled off my schedule. ‘Monday night I work at the food bank downtown, Tuesday I visit the youth shelter, Wednesdays I’ve been helping out on a Habitat for Humanity project, Thursdays I go to the Humane Society, and whenever I have time, I serve meals at the soup kitchen. Oh, and Saturday is group.’

He shook his head at me. ‘My point exactly. Do you even know how to relax?’

I forced the rigid tension in my shoulders to ease. I could do this. And if I didn’t babysit him tonight, who would? ‘So where are we going?’

We walked the several blocks to a nearby bar, huddled into our coats the entire time. Once night fell, so did the temperature. Drastically. But once we stepped inside the cozy warmth of the tavern, my spirits lifted. Knox led the way to a booth across from the long bar and we sat down facing each other. It felt intimate and foreign being out with him like this, and I liked it. Knox’s eyes remained on mine as I slid out of my coat. He was wearing a dark leather jacket and coupled with the way his long-sleeved tee clung to his broad chest, it made my nipples tighten and rasp against my bra. My entire being took notice of his –on every level– both emotional and physical. It left me staggering for breath.

‘So, are we going to talk?’ I asked after several tense moments.

‘Drinks first.’ His eyes cast over to the bar. ‘What do you want?’

My gaze followed his. Bottles of liquor were lined up along a glass wall behind the bar, overwhelming me. There were too many choices. ‘I- I’m not sure.’

‘You’ve never had a drink before?’

‘I’ve had a drink. But I’ve never ordered something for myself at a bar before.’

‘Beer? Wine? Something fruity? I’ll order for you, just tell me what sounds good.’

I chewed on my lower lip. My parents died in a drunk driving accident. I’d never been big on drinking. ‘Something fruity I guess. But not too sweet.’

He chuckled at me. ‘Got it.’

A few moments later, Knox returned with a pale pink concoction in a tall glass for me, along with a bottle of beer and a shot of something for himself. He pushed the drink toward me and I took a sip from the straw. Mmm. It tasted like lemon-lime soda and cherries with a hint of something tart. Wait a second. ‘Is this a Shirley Temple?’

He chuckled and shrugged his shoulders. ‘There’s alcohol in it.’

‘Are you mocking me?’ I straightened my shoulders, locking eyes with him.

‘Of course not, angel. Drink up.’

I watched as Knox downed the shot in front of him, bringing it to his full lips and draining the glass in an easy swallow.

‘Can we talk about what you said at the soup kitchen…about me and you….’

He nodded.

I paused, taking my time. I didn’t know if I was really ready to go there with him yet. I decided on a different question that had been plaguing me for some time. ‘Knox I know you’ve told me about your addiction, but will you tell me how it first began? I need to understand. How did you get this way?

‘It’s second nature. I don’t think about it.’ His eyes wandered away and he took a long sip of his beer.

‘I know. But I’m asking you to. To really examine it. And open up and share with me.’ I knew I was asking a lot of him, and I didn’t know if he was brave enough.

‘I will. In time.’

‘What do I have to do for you to tell me?’ I chewed on my lip, feeling brave.

He smiled. ‘You want inside my head that bad?’

I waited, silent.

‘Fine. Take a shot with me.’

I opened my mouth to argue, then snapped it closed again. I could handle one shot. Couldn’t I?

This time Knox returned with two shot glasses, each with clear liquor inside. He set one down in front of me and kept the other in his hand. ‘This your first shot?’ he asked. I nodded. ‘Cheers, angel.’

‘How do I….’ I paused with the shot glass halfway to my lips.

‘Tilt your head back. Open your throat. Let it slide down.’

His voice was thick, laced with sexual tension, and my stomach knotted. But I did as he instructed, bringing the glass to my lips and tipping my head back. I felt his eyes on me the entire time, heating up the space between us. The stiff punch of liquor slid down easily, leaving only a slight bitter burn in the back of my throat. I quickly took a sip of my drink to clear away the taste.

‘Good girl.’ He licked his lips and set his own empty glass down next to mine.

I had a theory that Knox been looking for love and closeness in all the wrong places. His mother died and his father had run off, abandoning the family. And I knew he said he found his peace, if only for a short time, with girl after girl. The feeling never lasted long, though, and so he sought the next girl. I don’t think he knew he was stuck in that pattern until I’d come along and forced his eyes open. But I needed to hear Knox say it and connect the dots.

He grabbed his beer and took another swig, his eyebrows knitted together in deep concentration. ‘My mom and I were really close. I was a momma’s boy and am not afraid to admit it.’ He smiled. I remembered the sketches he’d shown me. I knew he loved and missed her deeply. ‘When she died, it left this giant hole in me. I began chasing after girls in high school just to feel something. To feel alive. I dated in high school, and slept around a little, but after a while, it just wasn’t enough anymore. I needed something more. I started going out to bars and girls were even easier to pick up outside of school. It was simple. I didn’t really think about it. And when I was with them, I forgot all about my fucked up life. For a short time anyway. It was a coping mechanism.’

‘Didn’t that bother you – using them that way? Those were people’s daughters.’

‘If you think they weren’t using me too, you’re more naïve than I thought.’ He smirked at me, challenging me to disagree.

I’d never thought about it that way, but I supposed he had a valid point. Knox wasn’t the type to promise them the moon and stars. He was a take it or leave it kind of guy. And they freely took what he’d offered.

He’d been getting love the only way he knew how – by sleeping with anything with a vagina. It was sad, but on some strange level, I understood. Knox had spent many years feeling unloved and not capable of returning love. But I knew he was capable of more. I saw firsthand how sweet he was with his brothers. He’d stepped up to raise them and set aside his own goals and dreams. And I suspected he wanted to change. He’d been attending my sex addicts meetings for over a month now and hadn’t pushed me away, despite my constant questions.

‘Still, Knox, you had to know that wasn’t right….’

‘It’s the only thing I know.’

‘Then discover something new.’ My eyes were pleading with his and I saw the moment my plea registered. His gaze turned hungry as his eyes flicked down to my mouth.

He leaned closer, his eyes soft and probing. ‘Meeting you has been interesting for me.…’

My heart swelled in my chest and I wanted so badly to hear him continue. But he took a swig of his beer and let his eyes wander out onto the dance floor.

‘So assuming you were still…that way, you’d be looking for a girl here tonight?’

‘Most likely,’ he admitted.

The truth stung, but at least he was honest. We watched in silence as a group of girls, one wearing a tiara and a sash that declared her the Bride, shimmied on the dance floor to the beat of hip hop music.

‘So if you were here to pick up a girl tonight – who’s your type?’ I looked on as a blond with large breasts thrust her hips back and forth, too embarrassed to meet Knox’s eyes. I wondered if he’d go for someone so obvious about her body and looks. Someone so completely opposite of me.

‘You really want me to answer that?’ he asked. I nodded, still unable to meet his gaze. ‘Look at me,’ he commanded.

I did. And his heated stare lit me up from the inside out. I felt my chest and neck flush. I dropped my gaze, sliding my drink toward me and sucking down a big mouthful. ‘Yeah, I want to know,’ I said, finding my courage. The alcohol flowing through my veins was the likely contributor. When he was like this, so dominant and commanding, my body turned to a pile of mush, ready and waiting for his next command.

Knox’s eyes reluctantly left mine and he scanned the dance floor with a bored expression. Not finding anyone of interest, his gaze turned toward the crowded bar. ‘I’ll be back in a minute,’ he said, his eyes not returning to mine.

Unease churned inside me as I watched him cross the room and head down the back hallway alone. What was he doing? Had he already picked out a girl and given her a special wink? I couldn’t believe he’d really disappeared and left me sitting here all alone. I sucked down more of my drink as tears blurred my vision.

I hated how I couldn’t be what he needed and he chose instead to fulfill his needs without me. I sensed that Knox was developing real feelings, too. So why did he continue on with this charade of hussies? Because even if he did have feelings for you, McKenna, you’re a virgin. You can’t satisfy his needs. That realization sparked something inside me. Rebellion. It made me want to try.

A few moments later, Knox strolled back to the table, his expression unreadable. ‘McKenna?’ Spotting the unshed tears shimmering in my eyes, he stood immobile in front of the table. ‘What happened?’

‘You left me.’ I pressed my fingertips to my temples, willing the tears away.

He slid into the booth next to me and pulled me close, pressing a kiss to my temple. ‘I went to take a piss. You didn’t think…?’

I nodded slowly.

‘Christ, McKenna. I wouldn’t do that. I used the restroom, washed my hands, and came right back to the table.’ I suddenly felt foolish for freaking out. He hesitated for several long moments, his jaw clenching in the dim light. ‘What do you want from me? You know who I am.’

‘Friendship, Knox. I want your friendship.’

‘That’s it? There’s nothing more….’ He smiled, crookedly, begging me to disagree.

He was hinting at the burning chemistry between us, brewing just below the surface. My obvious jealous reaction at thinking he’d gone after a girl. He felt this intensity between us and apparently he knew I did, too. I hadn’t been hiding my true feelings well enough. He saw it in my lingering gazes, the way I cared for his brothers, and the ways my eyes always went to his while we were in group. There was no point denying it, since I knew eventually he’d see through my game. The truth was I wanted much more than friendship. I wouldn’t have taken things physical with him if I hadn’t. Something told me he understood that.

I took a deep breath, settling my nerves. ‘As for more…yes, I know who you are. You’re a man who takes care of his family, who takes on the world for those boys, who works hard and plays harder…but you’re also a man on the cusp of change. If you want anything more than friendship with me, then you’ll have to show me.’

‘Show you what? I told you I don’t do love.’

‘So change.’ I shrugged, flippantly, like it was the simplest thing in the world. Knox said he didn’t do love, but he was wrong. He loved his brothers fiercely. He might not have done romantic relationships, but I believed in him, I believed anything was possible, as long as he wanted it bad enough. And selfishly, I wanted to be the one to change his mind about love. He was helping me and some little voice deep inside told me we could do this. It might have been foolish, but when everything else had been stripped away from me, I needed that hope. I would cling to it like a life raft until I was forced to admit he wasn’t my savior and I wasn’t his.

‘What about Brian?’ Knox asked, drawing another sip of his beer and signaling the bartender for another.

‘What about him?’

‘You and him. You ever thought about that? You guys could be good together.’

Was he seriously encouraging my relationship with Brian? After all this? ‘First Belinda and now you, really?’

He shrugged. ‘Just pointing out your options.’

Frustrated, I pushed a chunk of hair behind my ear. Brian had always been there for me. Would always be there for me. He was sweet and had cute boy next door looks to match. Would it really be the worst thing in the world to see if real feelings could develop between us? Sometimes I wondered about us, but I just didn’t feel that way about him, despite what Knox or Belinda saw when they looked at us together. And his encouragement about Brian had the opposite effect, it only made me want to rebel. I took a big gulp from my grown-up Shirley Temple, finishing the drink. ‘I’m going to dance.’ I didn’t dance, but being near him was too much of a roller coaster and I needed a minute to clear my head.

Knox moved aside to let me out of the booth and I headed to the center of the dance floor, ready to lose myself in the crowd. Squeezing my way past the writhing bodies, I found a spot for myself and closed my eyes, letting the thumping rhythm wash over me. Finding the beat, I swayed back and forth to the music. The alcohol had relaxed me enough that I felt totally unconcerned with how I looked to others. I moved and swayed, feeling loose and relaxed as the music took over.

I felt someone approach me from behind, but before my body had the chance to tense, I smelled his unique scent of warm leather and sandalwood and knew it was Knox. He placed both hands on my waist as his chest brushed against my back. A wave of heat crashed over me. He pressed his hips into my bottom and I forgot how to breathe. I spun to face him, needing to see his dark eyes. Was this part of his seduction efforts? He was used to things easily going his way with girls and that fact alone made me want to challenge him a little. He’d just suggested I be with Brian. Did he even really want me?

Knox’s hands wandered from my waist to my hips, where his fingertips made contact with bare skin fractures of heat crackled across my abdomen. ‘Don’t question this.’ He leaned down to breathe against my ear.

I danced with him, moving against him, working my hips in what I hoped was an enticing way. Knox’s eyes followed my movements and his hands remained planted at my hips.

I’d just told him I wanted his friendship and now I was grinding against him on the dance floor. I knew I was sending mixed signals, but so was he. He’d suggested I be with Brian when all along he’d been possessive about the idea of my male roommate. I should have walked away, gotten some air, but air was the last thing I wanted.