A Summer in Sonoma

“Sure,” Julie said, thinking, Never gonna happen. “Today was pretty last-minute. I don’t think it was even planned till ten this morning…”

“I’m flexible,” she said. “I have to run. The owner is waiting.”

“Sure, go ahead,” Julie said, busying herself at the sink. “Take it easy.” She washed her hands while the door closed behind Chelsea. All that kiss-kiss-call-me bullshit, she thought. They’d stopped fighting like cats in a sack the year after graduation, but little else had changed. Chelsea had been a cheerleader, too. She’d managed to stay friendly with Marty, but Chelsea had dated Billy during one of his rare and brief breakups with Julie, which had lost her any chance of being friends with Julie. Because of that, Cassie wrote her off. Beth had never cared about all that drama. And to this day Chelsea’s eyes lit up when she saw Billy. It made Julie furious.

But there was no question that Chelsea had made good. She, like Billy, had a degree in education. If it weren’t for the fact that Chelsea had gone to college full-time while Billy picked up night classes whenever he could, Julie would suspect her of following him into that major. Billy had gravitated toward industrial arts while Chelsea was elementary education. Neither of them had ever worked as teachers.

Like her or not, what Chelsea said got Julie thinking. Why wasn’t Billy doing something like that? Finding a field he could work in part-time, looking for a better opportunity, instead of cutting wood and countertops for extra money? Why wasn’t Billy following the money?

When she left the restaurant, she saw Beth and Cassie standing by Beth’s car, talking, probably saying goodbye. She gave them a wave and got in her car. She slipped the key in and thought, If it doesn’t start, I’ll sue those people at the auto supply. But it started. She glanced at the odometer—a hundred and four thousand miles and change.

After lunch with the girls, Cassie cornered Beth at her car for a minute. “Are you serious about that? Having a baby without a husband?”

“If I wanted a baby and didn’t have a husband on the agenda, I would do it,” Beth said. “I don’t know why everything you want out of life has to be put on hold because the right man hasn’t turned up.”

“Huh. That never occurred to me,” Cassie said. “But, Beth, you had a real serious guy back in med school. Couple of years—you lived together…”

“Believe me, I’d rather have a child without a husband than go through something like that again. That ended so badly. A lot of hard feelings. Makes me pretty suspicious of relationships…”

“Yeah, that was horrible,” Cassie said. “Well, I know people do it all the time—have children even though they’re single. But it seems like they’re always celebrities or millionaires, not ordinary people. Not working women.”

Beth smiled. “Those celebrities—they probably work harder than you and I.”

“Maybe I should think about that. I want a family, but I always thought…”

“Listen, Cassie, you and I might be coming at the subject from different perspectives. I’m not sure I’m even interested in having a husband. I’m so rigid, so set in my ways. So completely selfish. A problem like Marty has with Joe might seem small, but it would seriously make me want to kill him. But with you—isn’t it really a husband you want most? Even more than a baby?”

“When you get right down to it,” she admitted. “But come on—I’m almost thirty. And I’m so sick of going out with losers. I never even considered alternatives.”

“You have to think out of the box,” Beth said. “So…you think Marty and Joe are all right? Is that just wifey bitching?”

“I have no idea. Really, I thought they were fine.”

“They don’t seem too fine. And what about Jules? Something’s going on with her. She acts like everything is okay, but something’s wrong there.”

“Yeah, they’re going through some stuff. Money’s tight—Billy’s working two jobs to make ends meet and is hardly ever home. Julie’s tired—the kids are wearing her out. But this is Jules and Billy. They argue, but they get it together. It’s not like Marty and Joe—it’s not about a boat.”

Beth laughed. “See the problem with marriage? People get all upside down about a boat?”

“Sounds like there’s more to it than that. No compromise. That would get anyone upside down.”

“See?” Beth said. “I’m not a good candidate for marriage. I’m the one who wouldn’t be able to compromise—I like things the way I like things.”

And I’d do anything, Cassie thought. Really, anything. But that opportunity hadn’t even presented itself. “So, you don’t think it would be crazy?” she asked. “To have a baby?”

“Nah, I don’t think it’s crazy,” she answered easily. “Actually, I think it’s intelligent. What’s crazy is marrying the wrong person because you want a family. If I wanted a child but didn’t have a partner, I’d definitely consider it. But that’s a far-fetched thought for me…”

“How much time do you think you have? I mean, how much time do we have?”

“Six or seven years, realistically. Longer under the right circumstances. We’re getting women through healthy pregnancies older and older. Right now I’m too consumed to even think about things like partners, babies, and that’s the truth. I don’t know what I’d do with a boyfriend if I had one. Run out on him every time the phone rang, probably. Listen, I don’t have any advice—I think that one very bad boyfriend might be it for my love life. I’ve always been too busy. I can’t pay attention to a man for long, which is probably the real reason that last one ended so badly. My mind wanders. I’m always thinking about other things. I’m selfcentered. And if I found a guy like me? We’d be like strangers in the same house—totally preoccupied with our own agendas. I might be better off never running into a guy I could tolerate. That’s why I can’t have a child without a nanny—I’m probably not capable of being completely responsible for a child.”

“Aw, that can’t be true…”

“It can be. Look at my parents. They were just brilliant nutcases—a couple of smart people who didn’t care about much outside of their work. Other than my education, they didn’t have a clue what was happening in my life. You could talk to either one of them for fifteen straight minutes and they might not hear a word. It’s a DNA thing—it’s in me, too. That’s why everyone thinks I’m weird.”

Cassie smiled at her. “Well, I don’t. I think you’re amazing. And your patients love you.”

“I’m so lucky that way,” she said appreciatively. “I think I accidentally became a good doctor. It’s a miracle. And believe me, I don’t take it for granted. I love my work so much.” She smiled wistfully. “Honestly, I live for it. It’s all that matters.”

Cassie had always envied Beth’s brains and success, even though what she really wanted was what Julie had. Beth had always seemed so sure of everything she aimed for in life. When they were younger she’d never been the least bit insecure about not being popular, not having a boyfriend. Even major setbacks—and Beth had been through some heavy stuff—barely seemed to slow her down. She marched on, following her instincts, doing what she was born to do.

Beth’s parents were oddballs—a couple of middleclass eggheads. Her mother was a librarian at the college and her father was a professor—helminthology. The study of worms. Beth grew up in a messy house cluttered with papers, bulging bookshelves and microscopes, dishes stacked in the sink, beds unmade, dirty clothes piled high, her parents completely distracted by their intellectual obsessions. They never had a lot of money to throw around, nor did they pay much attention to their daughter, but they had real high educational standards and had raised themselves a young genius who proved she could be the best of both of them. Beth had been in gifted programs since she was six.

But Julie…Julie had Billy, who had adored her for thirteen years. He still looked at her as if she was the only woman alive. They might have to pinch their pennies most of the time, but their relationship was solid, unshakable. Jules might not be able to count on being able to pay the bills, but she could always count on Billy loving her, being there for her. And if they ran into a big problem, they never failed to tackle it together.

Given a choice, Cassie would take the kids, money troubles and true love, which she figured must make her a fool. A rational look at the world around her indicated an M.D. was more practical and reliable than a Mr. and Mrs.

Driving home from lunch, she found herself passing that motorcycle dealership. She let herself go three more blocks before making a U-turn and going back. She went into the showroom and faced the same grinning salesman. “Hi,” she said. “I wonder if Walt Arneson is working today?”

“One second.” He smiled. He went down the counter to a phone, dialed, spoke into it briefly and said, “Miss?” He held the receiver toward her.

“Hello?” she said into the phone. “Walt?”

“Hi,” he said. “How are you?”

“Good. I was on my way home and passed the dealership and thought…maybe you’d like me to buy you a cup of coffee?”

“Are you in a big hurry?”

“Well…no, I guess not. Why?”

“I’m at another store, but if you want to wait a few minutes—like, twenty—I’ll be right there.”

“Oh, listen. I don’t want you to go to any—”

“Cassie, I love having coffee with you. It’s not any trouble, believe me.”

“Are you sure?”

“You made my day. Go to the bookstore, get us a couple of coffees, settle into our spot if it’s free and I’ll see you in twenty.”

“Okay, if you’re sure.”

“I’m sure. Walk slowly.” And he hung up.

This is loony, she found herself thinking. What in the world do I hope to gain by a dumb-ass move like this? “You called him at another store?” she asked the salesman.

“Sure. That’s where he was. He’s on the move a lot.”

“Oh. Well, thanks.” Then she headed for the bookstore, slowly. She browsed a little before buying the coffees, settling into the corner that had become theirs.

Thirty minutes later, she knew what she hoped to gain. She was laughing with him as she told him about lunch with her girlfriends, about Marty complaining about her husband, about Beth suggesting it was perfectly logical to have a baby without one. She told him all about Steve and her plans to get a puppy in a couple of years to keep him company. He told her about the ride he took up to Tahoe over the weekend—just a quick one, a few hours in the morning. When he described the views, the lake, the mountains in full summer green, she began to get a sense for why he found this enjoyable. It was odd that this grease monkey had such an appreciation for the outdoors.

“Seems like if you’re so fond of nature, you’d hunt or fish or camp.”

“I camp,” he said, sipping his coffee. “Sort of. If I have time for a weekend ride, I take a bedroll and backpack, find a nice piece of beach under the stars or a soft pad of grass on a hilltop and…camp. I don’t think I’m patient enough to fish and I could never shoot anything.”

“How about golf?” she asked teasingly.

“You’re kidding me, right?” He laughed hard at that. Imagine this guy in his boots and chains and naked lady swinging around a golf club with the Polo-clad crowd.

They learned a little more about each other. Neither of them had ever been married; they both came from families of four children, though hers were half sibs. His family was local, hers was in Des Moines. And they’d both worked at their current jobs for more than five years.

At one point he asked her if she was still feeling nervous about her incident and she told him she was slowly getting past that, but she’d decided to be a lot more cautious. She didn’t want to find herself in that position ever again. “I’m all done dating,” she said. “At least for a good long time. I think I’ve been through enough.”

“Understandable.”

“That really shouldn’t have happened. I usually have much better instincts than that.”

“It doesn’t seem like you did anything wrong, Cassie. He’s a freak, that’s all.”

After an hour or so of coffee, they browsed together, helping each other pick out books. In the parking lot he said, “You know, I like these coffee dates. It’s a real nice break in the day.”

“I enjoyed it, too.”

“I know it’s only been twice, but I’m already looking forward to the next one.”

“Even if you have to drive across town?”

“Even if,” he said. Then he pulled a short stack of business cards out of his pocket, sifted through them and handed her one. All it said was his name and a phone number. “If you call that cell number when you feel like coffee, I won’t keep you waiting so long. I don’t give it out that often—I get too many calls from bikers with mechanical problems when I do. They like me to walk them through home repairs. But I’d like you to have it.”

“Gee,” she said. “You have that kind of schedule, that a person can just interrupt you in the middle of work and it’s okay?”

“I put in a lot of hours. No one minds when I take a little personal time. You call—I’ll come,” he said.

“You know…I haven’t offered you my phone number, and there’s a reason—”

He put a big hand gently on her forearm. “Oh, I’d love to have your number, Cassie. But I know it’s important you be in charge right now. You call me anytime. I’ll be there.”

“Thanks. That’s nice. That you understand.”

“Hey. I was there, remember?”

Billy’s part-time job in addition to the fire department was in construction. He could’ve made it his full-time job and maybe make more money than he currently did at F.D., but it didn’t have the same potential for growth. It offered good money for flexible hours that he could fit around his F.D. schedule. The contractor let him work a few hours here and there while he was doing his twenty-four-hour shifts with the department and full days on his off time. He could get in at least twelve full days a month, usually more like sixteen. Cutting wood and stone for countertops was often tedious, but he did it perfectly and it paid well.

And it was damn hard work. Both his jobs were physically demanding. Although he was a paramedic, he didn’t drive the rescue rig every day—he was a firefighter first. So about every other workday, he worked the rescue rig and other times he was on the engine. Then he’d cut wood and rock—exhausting, dirty work. He had about enough time to eat, sleep and go back to one job or another. But he and Jules needed the money. He hadn’t called in sick to either job since the day he started. He didn’t average a day off a week. If he could just stay with F.D. eight to ten years and promote himself on time, the money and overtime would get real good. Right now he was keeping his finger in the dam.

Today he had come home from his twenty-four-hour shift at F.D. and gone to bed for a few hours, despite the noise in the house. He knew Jules was going to lunch with her girlfriends, which was a good thing—it could put her in a decent mood. A little break from the kids, some girl talk, maybe she could get in some serious complaining about Billy and unload it. So he woke himself up after about four hours of sleep and went straight to his mother-in-law’s to pick up Clint and Stephie before their nap time. They’d already had lunch, so they were ready to settle in when he got them home.

Ordinarily, he’d take advantage of the quiet and try to catch a nap; he hadn’t had much sleep and was planning to go back to the shop after dinner and hopefully work till midnight. But instead, he went after some marital points; he cleaned the kitchen, picked up dog-doo, trimmed the hedges and put the ladder up against the house to see if he could fix the drooping gutter that was breaking away because someone hadn’t cleaned it out in the late fall and it had been too burdened with leaves and twigs to stay attached. That someone was him.

He put his toolbox on the slanted roof to his right and was going after the gutter with a screwdriver, leaning a little to the left, when the toolbox began to slide. He dropped the screwdriver in the gutter and grabbed for the toolbox, which he shoved back up on the roof. But the sudden action caused the ladder to sway and teeter and he couldn’t get the toolbox stable. He grabbed the gutter for ballast, but it was a poor choice—the gutter was already weak and breaking away from the eave. His feet pushed the ladder away and it fell to his right. Billy hung on to the gutter but not for long. It gave under his weight and tore away, but at least his descent was slower. After dropping a few feet, he let go so he wouldn’t tear the whole damn thing off, and fell the rest of the way. It wasn’t all that far.

The ladder crashed to the ground with a loud clatter and he hit the ground right after it. He landed on his feet first, then fell back on his ass. He let himself roll back on the grass and lay there for a second, thinking, First, that was so stupid, and second, what I do not need right now is an injury. He didn’t move, assessing his hips and spine. He let his eyes briefly close and thought, There is no one better with a ladder than me; that was idiotic.

“Billy!” He heard Julie yell from inside the house. He could hear the tempo change as she yelled while running from the kitchen to the back patio doors. “Billy! Billy! Oh, God, Billy!”

He lay there, a very slight smile on his lips, thinking this was probably mean, keeping his eyes closed. She knelt beside him, lifted his head in her arms and said, “Billy! Are you dead?”

He opened his eyes. “You should never do that. Move a person like that. I could’ve had a spinal injury.”

“Are you all right?”

“Do you love me?” he asked.

“What happened?” she asked, her eyes wide and fearful.

“I fell off the ladder. I was lying here wondering if anything was hurt. I didn’t know you were home. Do you love me?”

“You’re an asshole,” she said, dropping his head with a thump.

There was a sound, a sliding sound. Billy grabbed her and rolled to the left, putting himself on top of her, covering her to protect her. The toolbox clattered to the ground about six feet away, a couple of tools bouncing out. When the crashing subsided, he lifted his head. “That’s two stupid things in one day,” he said. “I think I’m too tired to be doing this stuff.”

“Let me up,” she said.

“No. First you have to tell me if you love me.”

“No, I hate you! You took ten years off my life!”

He pressed his lips against hers. She didn’t respond, so he lifted his head and grinned into her eyes. “I cleaned the kitchen,” he said. “I put Clint and Stephie down for a nap. I picked up dog shit and trimmed the hedges.”

“And fell off the ladder.”

“That’s right. And I’m not getting back on it today. Did you have a nice lunch?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Did you get to dump on the girls about your little condition? About your bad, bad husband?”

“I haven’t said a word to anyone. And don’t you, either.”

“Okay. Then can you help me into the bedroom?”

“You’re hurt?”

“I’m horny. You could lie naked beside me for a little while, then after I’ve put you in a good mood, I can have a little nap.”

“Is that all you ever think about?”

“When I’m on top of you like this, that’s all I think about. I’ll be very, very sweet to you. Very careful. Well, not too careful.”

“This is the root of all our problems,” she said. “Right now all I want to do is clobber you, and you still get to me.”

He grinned handsomely. “If that’s the biggest problem you have, Jules, you have it pretty good.”

“I’m not so sure about that,” she said.

“You feeling okay, baby?” he asked sweetly, gently brushing her blond hair over her ear. “You’re not feeling sick or crampy or anything, are you?”

She shook her head.

“I worry a little bit about that IUD, in there with the baby.” His brow furrowed. “If you don’t think it’s okay…”

“I still want to clobber you,” she said, shaking her head.

He just smiled. “I know.” He got off her and pulled her to her feet. “Come on. Let’s take advantage of nap time.”

A little while later, feeling calmer and more affectionate, Julie said, “I ran into Chelsea in the ladies’ room at the restaurant today.”

“Yeah?” he responded with a yawn. “You didn’t hurt her, did you?”

“I talked to her for a while. Did you know she left that insurance company to sell Hummers? And that she’s a sales manager now?”

“So she said,” he replied, bored or sleepy.

“So…I don’t like Chelsea, but what she did makes sense. Before making a change, she worked for that dealership on weekends for a while until she could see the potential, then she quit her old job. Good idea, huh?”

“Hummers,” he snorted, rubbing his head back and forth on the pillow tiredly. “No one wants a Hummer right now…”

“Chelsea says they’re selling as well as ever. People like them. It makes them feel rich.”

“Not for long,” he said, his eyes still closed.

“But that’s not the point, the point is it’s very smart to find a business opportunity and work at it part-time to see if there’s any real possibility there, and then make a move. There’s absolutely no future in cutting countertops—it’s just part-time work and the pay is good, but never gets better. Right now you have all your eggs in one basket, but you’re so smart. You have a degree. You could check around, see if there’s a place to go where you can really put your education to use, be successful…”

“Hmm,” he said. And then she heard him softly snore. She leaned over and put a gentle kiss on his cheek. “What if you fell off a ladder at work?” she whispered. “What would we do?” She was answered by a light snore.

When she had looked out the kitchen window and seen the ladder on the ground and Billy beside it, motionless, eyes closed, her very first thought was, Oh, no! Not my Billy! No! No! Soon after that came relief. Then what quickly followed was that old fear. Firefighting, paramedic work, cutting granite—none of this was low risk. If something happened to him, their strapped lifestyle would become catastrophic. Julie and the kids and no income, and after the insurance and small fraction of pension ran out…she would lose the house. Her mother would be forced to look after the kids so she could work, just to keep her from sinking out of sight. And what work could she do? She’d done a little waitressing and secretarial work after Jeffy while Billy was working and going to school, before the next two kids—and neither job had paid a damn.

And now there would be four children?

Billy didn’t have accidents like that; he was too sharp. His reflexes were good; he was strong. But he was also tired from working all the time. How tired would he be with a new baby crying to be fed every two hours for weeks? How could he be so blissfully happy about another baby when it put the future of the entire family at risk?

She heard Stephie wake up with a cry and a cough and it changed her entire thought process. Oh, no, please don’t get sick! she thought. She went instantly to the bedroom the two younger kids shared and scooped her up, took her to the kitchen and quickly dosed her with decongestant and Tylenol, praying off a fever or cold. Then she spent the rest of the afternoon and early evening tending to food, picking up Jeffy and taking him to soccer practice—she had to stop off with three kids in tow to pick up Gatorade for the team because it was her turn—throwing together meals, tending a crying, miserable, sick kid, cleaning up vomit, tossing in laundry, picking up toys and clothes. When Billy finally roused from his nap at about six, at least a couple hours later than usual, which magnified how tired he’d been, she was sitting in the kids’ bathroom with Stephie on her lap, the bathroom filled with steam to loosen up her congestion.

“What’s going on?” he asked sleepily.

“Stephie’s got something. She threw up three times, couldn’t keep supper down and she’s hacking like the croup.”