Family Of Convenience

Chapter Four

To Do:

Learn about drought

Find time to knit more—figure out how to sell the items

Come up with a way to hide part of my knitting proceeds without Adam noticing

Check crops—see if they look dry

Check cattle—see if they look thirsty

Learn what not dry crops look like

Learn what not thirsty cattle look like

Talk to Edith? Is she worried?

Find out if Adam has savings

“What are you working on?”

Millie quickly put down her pencil and closed her notebook. Too late she realized that was acting like someone guilty of, well, something. Great. Adam was going to think she was plotting his demise if she didn’t figure out how to be less secretive.

But, she couldn’t help it. Her notebook was hers. Her lists were hers. They had always been the one thing that had belonged entirely to her. The matron and other kids at The Home had often taken her belongings. One of the first rules of surviving in that place was to not get too closely attached to things. Various items were there for her to use, but they were temporary. They were not hers.

Except for her notebook and lists. No one had ever been interested in taking them away from her. Honestly, most children tried to avoid things related to writing. To school. So, her notebook had been safe.

And now Adam was asking her about it and she was acting like a lunatic.

“It’s just a notebook.” Despite her best effort, the note of defensiveness was obvious in her tone.

“What do you write in it?”

If Adam was accusing her of something, he was hiding it well. He sounded curious. Just curious. Millie didn’t know what to make of that. They had been married for a month, and had seemed to settle into a nice routine where he left her alone as much as possible and she did the same. They spoke as needed to ensure the smooth running of the household. And they put on a good show of friendliness for the children.

Except, it wasn’t really a show. Their companionship was real. It was just distant. A kind of separated friendship that suited Millie perfectly.

So, why was Adam suddenly asking her about her notebook?

It was early evening. Supper had been eaten. The kitchen cleaned. Caty with her dolls and Genie with his blocks were happily playing in front of the fire. Adam was sitting in a rocking chair, watching the children and joining in with their chatter.

And Millie was at the table with her notebook. Looking at what she had accomplished today and planning for tomorrow.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to tell me. I was just wondering. You spend every night sitting over there writing, and it made me curious.”

Adam’s voice was not accusatory, but the way he said “over there” caught Millie’s attention. It was like she was in the next county. She wasn’t even in the next room, for pity’s sake. She was right there. In the same room.

Was he unhappy with her behavior? Did he want something else?

“It’s not a secret. I just make lists in here.”

“Lists?”

“Yes. Lists. You know. I write down things I want to do so I don’t forget.”

Adam was looking at her like she was a crazy person. Great.

“I know it’s weird, but I like to write down my to-do list and then cross the things off.”

Adam looked at the kids. Genie was still banging his blocks, making growly noises and giggling at his own antics. Caty had a doll and brush in her hands, but she wasn’t playing anymore. Instead, she was watching them with worried eyes. She had probably picked up on the same undercurrent that Millie noticed.

“I don’t think it’s weird at all. I can’t tell you how many times I wish I had written something down.” Adam began rocking again and the tension left the room. Caty started brushing her doll’s hair again.

Millie looked down at her closed notebook. Every part of her body wanted to open it back up and start writing again. Review what she had already written. But she forced her hands to stay where they were.

Millie couldn’t stay at the table with her notebook and not review what was inside. That was just asking too much. She stood and walked to where Genie was playing on the ground with his blocks. He grinned at her, all teeth and mischief. He held a block up to her, and Millie took it and sat down next to him.

She ran her thumb over the smooth wood, wondering how something so simple could be so absolutely entertaining to a little boy. Genie reached out and stilled her hand, positioning it so she was holding the block in just the right position. Then he picked up a block with his own hand and proceeded to bang his block into her block. He giggled like this was the most fun he had ever had in his life.

Millie held her block still and played along, resisting the urge to hug this child with every bit of her strength. Wherever he was, whatever he had, this little boy found a way to be happy. Millie had never been like that, not even as a child. She swallowed hard, trying to ease the tension in her throat and the regrets in her mind. Then, she just played with the little boy God had brought into her life.

The rest of the evening passed quickly. Children were put in nightclothes. Prayers were said. Covers were tucked, and lamps were blown out.

Millie followed Adam out of the children’s room, fully intending to head to her own bedroom. That had been the routine for the past month, and it was one Millie enjoyed. She would have some time alone before heading to bed. Time where she could open her notebook back up and finish planning for the days ahead.

“Millie?”

She stopped about a foot outside her doorway and freedom. Millie turned her eyes back to where Adam was waiting behind her in the family room. “Yes?”

“Would you stay out here tonight? For a little bit?”

Millie wanted to hide in her room. She wanted a closed door and time to think. She was still processing her thoughts about a drought, and needed to work on her list of questions to get answered. Once she had answers, she could work on a plan for if they lost all the crops.

But, Millie could not tell Adam no. He was her husband. And his request was not unreasonable. Presumably, he had some reason for wanting her to stay and talk with him.

Millie nodded her consent and walked toward the kitchen, intending to take her familiar place at the table.

“Maybe we could sit in front of the fire?”

Millie froze. Sit in front of the fire? While there were two rocking chairs positioned there, they had never sat together in them. Millie had used her chair to knit during the day. Sometimes in the evening if Adam was still out working. But, never while he was home and sitting in his chair.

The two of them. Rocking together in front of a fire while children were soundly sleeping. That was too much. It seemed too much like...something she couldn’t really name.

“Please? I just want to talk to you.”

Adam’s tone was one he used with a scared animal. Was that how he saw her? Did he think she was weak? Helpless? Millie felt anger surge up. It was a ridiculous reaction to his obvious kindness, but the anger was there nonetheless.

Millie managed to not stomp as she headed for the rocking chair. She did not, however, manage to sit down calmly or gracefully. Instead, she almost huffed down into the chair.

Then the chair rocked.

Then she felt the world spin.

Then that spinning landed in her stomach, which lurched with nausea.

Millie planted her feet to stop the chair from its incessant motion. She closed her eyes and counted the ways she could manage to further embarrass herself this evening. Nope. There weren’t any more. That was reassuring at least.

Millie kept her eyes closed when she felt Adam crouch down in front of her. His warm hands picked hers up from her lap. She could smell him. Dirt shouldn’t be an appealing smell, but it was somehow on this man. He loved the earth and often carried its scent with him through his day.

“Is it passing?”

Millie smiled. She simply couldn’t help herself. She’d gone from fury to amusement in seconds. Alternating between strong emotions had been a constant pattern in her life for months now. Whether it was the baby or the man, Millie had no clue. But, she really hoped it was the baby. Her pregnancy would eventually end, and she prayed the turbulent emotions currently ruling her behavior would end with it.

Millie opened her eyes and saw exactly what she expected. Adam kneeling in front of her, looking both amused and concerned. But, mainly amused. At least he wasn’t upset by her not-so-subtle tantrum.

Adam squeezed her hands and smiled back at her. That smile moved Millie’s attention from her stomach to the ping in her heart. She had not married Adam for his looks. In fact, she had no clue what he looked like until the day before their wedding.

But, there was no denying that she had married a handsome man. His black hair and dark eyes were hard to ignore. Those striking looks were only magnified by his grin with the hint of mischief that Genie had clearly inherited. Both Beale men were easy on the eyes and trouble through and through. And, Millie found that she had as hard a time resisting Adam as she did Genie when he wanted something.

“Do you feel better? I wanted to talk to you, but I understand if you need to go to bed.”

Oh, that option was beyond tempting. But, hiding from problems had never made them disappear. “I’m fine now, Adam. I just sat down too fast.”

His lips twitched, but Adam didn’t point out that she had done a bit more than sit too fast. He stood and headed for his own chair. He positioned it across from her, moving it slightly closer than it had been before. Adam sat, looking at the floor for several never-ending seconds. One of the things Millie liked the most about Adam was his predictability and tendency to do things in a routine manner. But this felt anything but predictable or routine.

Adam breathed out a long, audible breath. Her own breath caught in her throat when he lifted his head and looked at her.

* * *

Knowing what he wanted and making it happen had never been a problem for Adam. He wasn’t afraid of hard work. He wasn’t even intimidated by the prospect of waiting for results. No. He could work and be patient. Deal with setbacks. Adam’s life had been one big exercise in following those principles and getting results.

Until now.

Adam wasn’t dealing with uncultivated land, a struggling seedling or a wild animal.

This was a relationship with a woman. His wife. And he had no idea how to build the relationship he wanted with her. Adam usually trusted his instincts, but they had led him wrong down this very same road. Not that long ago, either.

So here he was. Sitting in front of a fire with the woman he had married. Two people rocking because it was the polite thing to do, both wanting to get up and run far away.

Millie was turning out to be an excellent mother for his children. Truly, he could not imagine a woman caring for Caty and Genie any better than she did. More than caring for them, she was nurturing them. Loving them even. But, Adam wanted more.

He wanted a partner. He wanted to be part of the cozy little family Millie was creating inside the house he’d built. Adam wasn’t looking for romantic love, but the fields that used to bring him joy were starting to feel like banishment.

He actually found himself wishing Millie was with him throughout the day, or that he could go to her without feeling like he was intruding. He wanted another adult to share his life with. Their life. Once he realized what he wanted, he was willing to do what it took to make more happen. If only he knew what to do.

“Are you happy, Millie?”

She stopped rocking, and seemed to almost freeze. Apparently, he had a talent for catching this woman so off guard that she turned into a statue. That wasn’t a talent Adam relished, but it seemed about right given his relationship with women in general.

“Uh, Millie?” He sounded foolish, but what else was he supposed to say?

Millie closed her mouth and blinked, and Adam felt the pressure in his chest lessen as she came back to life. She blushed, and Adam tried not to notice how pretty it looked on her cheeks.

“Am I happy? I don’t understand.”

The bewildered tone made Adam’s heart ache. She sounded absolutely stunned that her husband would care about her happiness. Had nothing in her life led her to expect that her happiness would be a concern? Of importance?

Adam leaned farther forward, resting his forearms on the tops of his thighs. They had been living as strangers for a month. It had gone nicely, too. But, he wanted more than that for his children, including the one currently growing in Millie’s womb. Not love. No, Adam had learned that lesson well. But, friendship. Companionship. A sense of shared purpose surely wasn’t too much to ask for, was it? That was the goal, and Adam was ready to do the work.

“It’s been a month. I just want to know how you feel about things here. Are you happy with the house? The children? Your day-to-day life?” With me? He didn’t say the last part, but Adam’s heart whispered it.

“I’m happy here?”

“That sounded more like a question than a reply. There isn’t a right answer. I know things have been overwhelming. You left the city and came to a new state. You came to a new house. You’re living with three strangers, two of whom are children.”

Millie’s eyes were wide and fearful. She had scooted forward in her rocking chair and was perched on the edge, almost as though she was preparing to flee. If Adam’s goal was to put Millie at ease around him, he was failing.

“I’m messing this up.” No need to hide it, his inability to have a simple conversation with his wife was completely and utterly obvious. “It’s not a test. I’m not angry or upset with you—and I won’t be, no matter what you tell me. If you’re not happy, I want to know so that I can try to fix it. We’re married, and I want us both to work together to build a good life. For Caty and Genie. And the baby. That child you’re carrying is mine. In every way that counts, that child will be mine to love and care for and provide for. And, I’m excited. I want to share in every moment.”

Statue Millie was back. Well, at least statues couldn’t run away.

“But, it’s not just about the children. It’s also for us. We count, too. I want both of us to be happy. I believe we still agree that we don’t want a romantic relationship. But, I feel like we are still strangers. We’ve lived together as a family for a month, and you and I don’t know each other.” Adam swallowed and looked at his hands. Might as well say it all. It certainly couldn’t make things more awkward. “I get lonely sometimes. I’d like to know you as a friend. Not as the nice woman living in my house and caring for my children who is practically a stranger.”

“Um, okay.”

Yeah, her mouth might have agreed with his proposal, but her tone certainly didn’t. And neither did the way she was still perched on the edge of that chair like she was ready to bolt at any moment. But, Adam would take what he could get. Go slow. Easy.

The Adam of years ago would never have put himself in such a position. No. That Adam had assumed that such work was unnecessary to sustain a strong marriage. Once married, a husband and a wife were one until death they did part. Why put energy into such a relationship? It was a foregone conclusion that the other person would be there.

Until it wasn’t. His first wife had proven with tragic competency that Adam couldn’t just assume Millie would stay and keep up her end of the bargain if she was unhappy.

Adam felt like this conversation was a foot deep in the thickest mud the prairie had to offer. But, he’d wanted to go down this road, so now was the time to follow through. “Great.”

They sat and stared at each other for several long seconds. Not great.

“Did your friend get all moved out?”

Adam blinked at the abrupt question. He knew their prior conversation about drought had made Millie uneasy, so he was surprised that she chose that topic. But she was trying, and Adam wasn’t about to cut her off.

“Yes, he and his wife should arrive in Kansas City by the end of next week. I hope they’ll get settled quickly. And be happy.”

“I’ve been praying for them.”

Adam stopped rocking at her words. Then, he made himself resume. That was probably the most personal thing Millie had ever said to him, but he didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. More than anything, he wanted things to feel natural between them. Normal.

Adam hadn’t felt at ease and normal in this house for years. Not since the day he’d come home to find Sarah’s note that she was leaving him. But, he remembered his parents, who had always had a solid, stable marriage. They’d spent hours talking in the evenings. It had just been a part of his childhood. A good one.

“That’s nice. I’m also praying for them. Starting over won’t be easy, and I hope they find everything they’re looking for.”

“You pray, too?” She sounded surprised. “I mean, I know you pray for us before meals, obviously, and in church on Sundays, but you pray other times, too?”

Adam felt the ground steady beneath him. “Yes. I pray a lot. My relationship with the Lord has deepened significantly since my wife died.” Well, that came out wrong. “My first wife, I mean.”

“I know what you meant. I’m kind of the same. I found the church before my first husband died, but my faith has really grown since he passed.”

Adam knew the bones of her story. She hadn’t told him any of it herself, though, either in the letter she had sent him or in the brief conversations they’d had since her arrival. No, the people who had facilitated their marriage had filled Adam in on those details.

Was Millie aware that Adam knew those details? Maybe. But, it still felt too intimate to bring them up. Those weeks after her husband had died must have been terrifying.

“I’m glad. My faith has helped me through a number of hard times. I’m glad yours has done the same for you.”

“It has.” Millie was rocking steadily, looking into the fire. This silence still felt charged, but not so much as before. Progress.

Millie kept rocking, but her hands were fidgeting in her lap, fingers twisting and intertwining. “Will you tell me about drought?”

He managed to stop his head halfway through its rapid jerk in her direction. Her body was screaming that asking the question had been hard and awkward for her and that she feared his reaction—but he could tell that she feared drought more, and wanted answers. It didn’t take a genius to pick up on the fact that Millie worried about the future. A lot. That seemed fairly rational given what she had been through.

Adam had done his best to reassure her that he would take care of her and their family. But, Millie was still visibly concerned about being secure long-term. He understood that, given that she had recently found herself pregnant and homeless. But, it still kind of rankled. Even if he died tomorrow, he wasn’t the type of man to leave his family alone and unprotected. There were provisions in place.

“I’m not sure what you want to know, Millie. I mean, we haven’t been getting enough rain. Without rain, the crops aren’t getting any water. And they need water to grow.”

“So all those crops are going to die? I mean, there’s nothing you can do?”

Adam considered her question. Tried to give it respect and treat it seriously. “I don’t know. I don’t think all the crops will die. I sure hope not. But, when it comes to life in general and farming in particular, nothing is certain.”

“When will you know?”

Adam breathed out long and slow. He’d wanted a conversation and now he was getting one. “There’s not a clear answer to that. We’ve had some rain, so the situation isn’t dire. Just not as much rain as I’d like. The crops are okay for now, but there’s not a lot of margin if that little bit of rain dries up. So, we just have to wait and see.”

Millie looked down at her hands in her lap. She was still rocking. Still twisting her fingers as though she could pull answers or solace or whatever she was looking for there. “What about the cattle? They need water, too. Is this drought bad for them?”

“It’s not ideal, but the cattle can handle the lack of water better than the crops. The ponds haven’t dried up, yet, so that’s good. And, if it comes down to it, like last year, I can sell the nonessential cattle and take the rest to where there is water.”

“That’s what you did last year?”

“Yes. And we were okay.”

“Did you have to use all your savings last year? Like that family that moved away? Do you have any left?”

His savings? Was she that concerned about his ability to provide? Did she really doubt him that much? Adam clenched his jaw so hard it began to ache. What would it take for his wife to simply trust that he could be a good husband and father? He’d been trying so hard, but it still wasn’t enough.

This conversation was a bad idea.

Chapter Five

Option 1: All the crops die. We still have the cattle. Things are lean, but we are fine. We still have shelter and food. But what about next year?

Option 2: The crops die. The cattle die. We use all of Adam’s savings. Things are lean, but we are fine. We still have shelter and food. But what about next year?

Option 3: The crops die. The cattle die. Adam’s savings are not enough and we lose the land. Adam can get a job in the city to support us?

Option 4: The crops die. The cattle die. Adam’s savings are not enough and we lose the land. Adam refuses to move to the city?

Millie usually used the time right after she woke up to map out the day. Today, though, she’d felt compelled to list possible scenarios. That was a mistake. Millie should have stuck to her to-do lists. At least then, she was in charge. She did things and she crossed them off and she went to bed at night knowing she had accomplished something. But, no. She’d had to work through the worst that could happen—and terrify herself in the process.

How did she expect it was going to end? If life had taught Millie one thing, it was that the worst could indeed happen. Their crops were going to die. Millie was going to end up homeless again. Homeless and pregnant and alone. Millie pushed away from the table where she had been writing in her notebook. Moving to her bedroom, she pulled out her suitcase. Placed it on the bed. Opened her chest drawer and grabbed a handful of clothes.

Froze.

What was she doing? Packing? Running away?

Where would she go?

And, what would she end up leaving behind?

Still clutching the clothes in her hand, Millie sank down into her rocking chair. Buried her face into the cloth she was gripping for dear life. Sucked in a shaky breath and pressed against her eyes that suddenly felt like they were on fire.

She could feel the beat of her heart, pounding in her chest. She felt the sting of tears. The tightness of her throat.

Millie felt the distinct swell of her stomach. The movement of life inside, apparently unwilling to sit idly by as Millie panicked.