But she could be. Heavens, this was turning into a series of revelations. Was it just that she was well on the road to recovery now and her brain was waking up? Yes. It would all be all too easy to fall in love with Max McAdam and what would that get her? A broken heart, that’s what.
She’d seen the way women looked at him and knew why they looked that way. He was gorgeous and successful and she knew better than any of them how kind he was. He could have anyone he chose so why on earth would he be interested in someone as ordinary as her? Someone with someone else’s child in tow, what’s more, and she knew better than most what kind of heartache that could result in.
She didn’t dare look at him for a minute. Just in case she found herself looking for something it would be very unwise to look for. Like the possibility that she was wrong. That there might be a scrap of hope that he could be interested. She needed a new distraction.
‘She really does need a proper name,’ she said, rolling up the dirty nappy to discard.
‘That’s what I came to talk to you about.’
Oh, help. As if she could get her head around explaining why she wasn’t going to accept his offer of marriage when she was trying to suppress the knowledge of how easy it would be to fall in love with this man.
‘I meant a first name. Can’t see myself enrolling her at school as Mouse.’ Ellie tried to make light of changing the subject. Cleaning the small bottom in front of her was helping. ‘It needs to be a special name, though.’
‘What’s your mother’s name?’
‘Joan.’
‘Oh…’ Max was watching as she put a clean nappy in place. ‘That doesn’t sound right.’
‘No.’
‘How ‘bout your grandmother?’
‘Beatrice.’
‘That’s not so bad.’
‘Except that she disowned my mother when she became an unmarried mother.’
‘Oh.’ Was he going to make a comment about history repeating itself? Ellie hoped not. ‘There must be someone that’s special. A name that you’d like to honour?’
Ellie looked up. ‘Yes.’ Her heart gave an odd little flip. ‘You’re right. There is. Someone I have no idea how to thank.’ She smiled at him. ‘I’m going to call her…Maxine.’
The look on his face was priceless. ‘Are you kidding me? No. You can’t do that. It’s totally wrong for her.’
Ellie had picked up Mouse again. ‘Maybe I was kidding about the name but I wasn’t joking about having no idea how to thank you.’ Suddenly the words fell into place easily. ‘You’ve done so much for us, Max, and I can’t believe you offered to marry me. I really appreciate the offer but I can’t do it. It’s…’ He’d even given her words to borrow. ‘Totally wrong.’
‘But what are you going to do tomorrow?’
‘Find a motel, I guess. Just for a week or two until I’ve got myself sorted out properly.’
Max shook his head. ‘No way. You’re not a hundred per cent yourself. I won’t let you do that.’
‘This is my life, Max,’ Ellie said gently. ‘My responsibility. You can’t stop me doing what I want to do.’
‘Wanna bet?’ Max could feel himself scowling at her. ‘I’m a consultant on staff here. You think they won’t listen to me when I tell them you have nowhere to go that’s suitable for a convalescent mother and a neonate?’
Ellie was biting her bottom lip. Mouse was rubbing her nose against her T-shirt and making noises that emphasised her need for some dinner.
‘I’ll have to go to my mum’s, then.’
‘And where’s that?’
‘A little town near the bottom of the Coromandel peninsula. Couple of hours by bus from the airport.’
Max shook his head. ‘You can’t travel that far yet. You’ve had adult respiratory distress syndrome, Ellie. Your lungs still need time to recover properly. Flying anywhere is out of the question.’ He wasn’t sure it was contraindicated but delivered in such a decisive tone, it certainly sounded plausible and it should work as a means of preventing Ellie just getting on a plane and vanishing from his life.
What are you doing? The small voice in his head sounded astonished. Wasn’t this the perfect way out? He could almost hear Rick and Jet applauding the voice but Max was determined to argue. She wasn’t going to marry him and that was fine. Oddly disappointing but probably for the best given the kind of potential unseen complications Rick had enlightened him with. But to just vanish into nowhere? Not acceptable because…because…
‘How did Marcus trace your whereabouts last time?’
Ellie went pale. ‘OK. No flying, then. I’ll get a car. I’ve got enough money saved to keep us going for a while.’
‘A three-day journey with a week-old baby? For goodness’ sake, Ellie, what are you trying to prove? I’ve got a spare room and it’s no big deal.’ Max stalked towards the window and then turned, rubbing his forehead as he took a quick glance at the closed door. ‘Look…I’ve gone out on a limb here and everybody thinks I’m your husband. That I’m Mouse’s father. How’s it going to look if word gets out that you don’t come home with me? That this has all been some kind of fraud?’
Ellie was backing away from him, Mouse in her arms. She sank into the armchair beside the bed and for a long minute, as she arranged her clothing to put her baby to her breast, there was nothing but the hungry infant’s cries. And then there was silence.
‘I don’t want people to know,’ Ellie admitted quietly. ‘I don’t want questions being asked or…or social services or someone getting involved but…but I can’t just come and stay with you, Max.’
‘Why not?’
In the instant before Ellie averted her gaze, Max caught a flash of something.
Embarrassment, given the flush of colour in her cheeks now? No, that didn’t make sense. She hadn’t hesitated to start breastfeeding in front of him and why would she? They’d been through a far more intimate session that first time.
Something Rick had said rang in his head like a warning bell. Something about her wanting to be a ‘real’ wife. Oh…hell. Was Ellie attracted to him? That could certainly make things a bit awkward. He wanted to help, not set her up to get hurt. He wasn’t offering to settle down and take on an instant family.
Perish the thought.
But he’d offered marriage.
What had he been thinking?
This was a mess. Max stared at Ellie’s bent head, her hair falling like a screen to frame the baby, who was pushing on her breast with her little hand and staring up at her mother with a rapturous expression.
A warmth curled through Max. She was such a cute baby with her dark hair sticking up in spikes and eyes that still looked black. They’d got to know each other pretty well, him and the mouse. They were kangaroo buddies. And that gave him an idea.
‘Ellie…we’re friends, aren’t we?’
She nodded. ‘Of course. I owe you so much.’ She looked up and her eyes shone with moisture. ‘I’ll never ever forget what you did for us.’ Her smile was wobbly. ‘A week ago you’d never met me. We don’t know each other, really, do we? Not well enough to live together.’
They knew each other well enough, Max wanted to tell her. She knew he was looking out for them. He knew that she had been through a rough time and had the guts and determination to get through whatever life threw at her. But maybe she had a point. The offer of marriage had been misguided. Maybe living together, even temporarily, was also unwise.
‘How ‘bout a compromise, then?’
‘Like what?’
‘There’s a motel about three doors down from my apartment block. I could give my address for discharge details and take you to a unit there. That way, you’d be independent but I could drop in a couple of times a day to make sure you were OK and I’d only be a phone call away if you had any problems.’
‘Y-you’d do that?’
‘Of course.’ Max nodded slowly. ‘Hey…I told you you were safe, remember? You’re not. Yet. You will be, but if you go steaming off on your own right now and something happens to you, or Mouse, how do think that would make me feel?’
Just terrible, he answered for her silently. Never mind fifteen years down the track like Rick had warned. He didn’t want to feel bad tomorrow, thanks very much.
Ellie held his gaze and seemed to read the correct answer to his question. The tense lines in her face softened and she smiled.
‘The motel would be perfect.’
CHAPTER SIX
THE motel was a long, long way from being perfect.
‘I guess it’s clean enough,’ Max said, somewhat dubiously.
It was also completely without any character to give it warmth. Bland, white walls, grey carpet and tiles and no decoration other than a ghastly abstract print over the bed. There was a small couch, also grey, a television set and a kitchenette. An internal door opened to a bathroom that was as basic as the rest of the unit.
Max opened a cupboard beside a microwave oven. There was a single pair of everything. Two plates, two glasses, two cups and saucers. The cutlery drawer was just as sparsely furnished. He made a less than impressed sound.
‘It’s fine.’ Ellie was sitting on the end of the bed, holding Mouse. She looked pale and tired and no wonder.
‘I shouldn’t have made you stop at the baby shop. You look done in.’
‘I just need to sit quietly for a bit. And I needed to go shopping. I couldn’t have managed without getting the crib and nappies and everything.’ She smiled. ‘I’m glad you brought your car. I had visions of me leaving the hospital on the back of your bike.’
Max gave a huff of laughter. ‘As if! The bike’s a toy since I grew up a bit. I’ll go and get the rest of the stuff.’
He went through the sliding glass door to where his SUV was parked directly outside. He had requested a unit near the manager’s office for Ellie so that she had help nearby if needed it but also for security. Maybe it was better that she was here even if it lacked a little in material comforts. Marcus Jones knew where his apartment was and if Ellie was there, she’d be alone a lot of the time while he was at work. At least here she had the manager in residence and other patrons who would be coming and going.
It was just a shame it seemed so much more second rate in the daylight. He hadn’t noticed how much traffic noise you could hear from the main road last night, either. Still…safety was paramount. He pulled the large, basket-style bassinette from the back of the car, throwing in the packs of disposable nappies and other purchases. A door slammed overhead and then a man’s angry voice drowned out the traffic noise.
‘Don’t blame me, woman.’
‘Don’t blame you?’ The female voice was shrill. ‘It’s your fault I’m stuck in this scummy motel with three kids. It was you and your drunken mates that got us evicted. It was you and your noise that made the neighbours complain.’
‘My noise?’ Max looked up in time to see the man kick the wall of the upstairs unit. ‘Can you hear yourself, you stupid cow?’
From somewhere behind the woman came the cry of a frightened child. The man swore loudly and turned his head, to see Max looking up.
‘What are you looking at?’
Max simply stared back, saying nothing. He noted the tattoos and the piercings. The hunted expression on the face of a man who was far too young to have three children and housing problems. With another oath, the angry man took off, heading for the metal stairway at the end of the block.
‘If you’re going to the pub,’ the woman yelled after him, ‘don’t bother coming back, you hear me?’
Max took the bassinette inside. Ellie had heard her, judging by the flicker of dismay in her eyes.
‘You sure you want to stay here?’
She nodded. She even smiled. ‘It’s only for a week or two. I’ve coped with worse.’
Good grief, she was a determined soul and good on her. She’d need her courage and determination to be a good single mum and she would be good, Max was quite confident of that. She would be the best and Mouse was a lucky kid. He made one more trip to the car to get Ellie’s bag.
‘And you’re sure you don’t want the daily midwife visits? I’m not sure we did the right thing saying they weren’t needed.’
‘It would have been a bit tricky to have her visit the motel when you put your address down for me on the discharge papers.’
‘Hmm. I forgot to tell you I registered you here under my name, too. I told the manager you were my sister.’ Max was still bothered by the dismissal of the home visits most new mothers relied on. It was supposed to be getting less complicated to maintain the deception now that Ellie was back in the real world. He had to get rid of this gnawing sense of responsibility.
‘How will you know if Mouse is getting enough milk without her getting weighed every day?’
‘She won’t sleep if she’s hungry. I’ve got the bottles and formula if I need it and I’ve got the outpatient appointments for us both in two days. We’ll be fine, Max, honestly.’
‘Well, I’m only a phone call away, don’t forget. I’ll be working for the next few days to make up for the time I took off last week but it’s day shift. I’ll pop in on my way to work if it’s not too early for you and I’ll come again on my way home. I can bring you some takeaways so you don’t have to worry about cooking.’
‘You don’t—’
Max overrode her intended objection. ‘What kind of food do you like? Chinese? Indian? Burgers?’
Ellie conceded defeat graciously, with a shy smile. ‘Fish and chips. I haven’t had any for ages.’
‘There’s a little shopping centre just round the corner on the main road. About five minutes’ walk, I guess. It’s got milk and bread and all the basic stuff. Make a list and I can run down and get the things you might need for the rest of today.’
Ellie wasn’t about to agree to any more assistance. ‘A five-minute walk won’t be a problem. I’ll get sorted here and have a rest and then I’ll try out that baby sling I bought and take Mouse for her first outing.’
It was ridiculous to feel like he was being excluded from something important. What did he want? To accompany Ellie and Mouse to the shops so that people would think it was his baby? So he could feel some kind of fatherly pride?
This had to stop.
‘I’d better get back to work. My couple of hours’ cover for this morning has about run out. Text me if you need anything other than fish and chips when I’m on the way home. You’ve got my mobile number?’
‘Yes.’ Ellie was smiling again. ‘Go, Max. You’re needed at work.’
Meaning he wasn’t needed here?
This was good. One step closer to discharging the responsibility he’d taken on when Ellie had stepped into his life.
Max went. Quickly. Before he had time to register any more inappropriate reactions let alone try to analyse them.
Ellie watched the SUV pull away, leaving the space in front of her unit empty.
It felt empty inside, too. She was alone with her baby. Really alone this time. No bell to push to summon assistance. No medical staff walking past her door at frequent intervals or the familiar, safe sounds of a busy hospital.
Max would be back later, though, and Ellie was determined to show him how well she could cope. That she was worth the effort he’d already put in to helping her.
For the next few hours, Ellie coped very well. She arranged her things in the unit, which made it feel more like her own space. She made up the bassinette with the cute sheets that had little, yellow ducks embroidered on the edges. She arranged baby clothes in a drawer and positioned nappies and wipes beside the padded change mat. When Mouse woke up, she fed and then washed her, putting her into a new set of her birthday clothes. She took her daughter around the unit, telling her about every item of furniture and what grown-ups used them for and when she fell asleep again, she was happy to go into her new bassinette and Ellie flopped onto the big bed and slept deeply for some time herself.
She was woken by the sound of a television set coming on loudly next door. For a moment, she lay totally bemused by where she was and desperately wanting to simply roll over and go back to sleep but then she remembered and staggered into the bathroom to splash water on her face, hoping to wake herself up properly before Mouse needed attention or, worse, Max turned up with dinner.
The cold water didn’t seem to help much. Ellie’s legs felt like lead, her eyes were gritty and her brain distinctly foggy still. She pushed damp strands of her fringe out of her eyes as she dried her face. She was well overdue for a haircut. Maybe she should just chop it all off because finding the energy to brush it right now was just too hard. Dropping the towel, Ellie raised her gaze wearily to the mirror to consider the option.
Oh…Lord, she looked awful.
She’d lost a lot more weight than she should have by giving birth, thanks to being so ill for several days. Her face looked pale and pinched. Her hair was lank and the oversized sweatshirt that had been useful in helping disguise her pregnancy was totally swamping her now. She looked like a street kid. A homeless person. About as far from a competent new mother as it would be possible to look. It was a pathetic picture and, for a long moment, Ellie was swamped by more than the sweatshirt.
She was homeless. The future was a chasm of the unknown. She wasn’t even here under her own name and she couldn’t afford not to hide her existence. Until she escaped the country she was going to be afraid of discovery. Terrified of Marcus tracking her down. Of something happening that might separate her from her precious baby.
A door slammed upstairs and the sound of angry pounding began again. The wail of a siren could be heard from the main road advertising the urgency of some emergency situation. The tension was contagious. In a sudden panic, Ellie dashed from the bathroom. How could she have left Mouse unattended, even for a moment? Had she even locked the sliding door before she fell asleep?
Her heart pounding, she stood by the bassinette and looked down at the peaceful, innocent face of the sleeping baby. She had to fight the urge to snatch Mouse up into her arms so she hugged herself tightly instead.
Huge, hot, painful tears rolled down her face.
She wanted to be somewhere else. She wanted to feel healthy and full of energy. She wanted, more than anything, just to feel safe. To know that her baby was safe.
She wanted…Max.
Nothing felt this bad when he was close. He gave her strength. Made her feel…too much. Alive. Optimistic. Safe.
As if to underline the difference in the space she was in without Max, the noise overhead increased. There were crashing noises, an ominous moment of silence and then a cry of pain. A moment later, simultaneously, came a woman’s scream and a large, dark shape hurtled down past Ellie’s glass door.
The screaming continued but, by some miracle, it wasn’t waking Mouse. Ellie ran to make sure her door was locked but, when she tugged the net curtain aside to expose the doorhandle, she gasped in horror.
The dark shape hadn’t been a piece of furniture being tipped over the balcony, as she’d assumed. Sprawled exactly where Max had parked his car earlier was the body of a man, one jeans-clad leg at an awkward angle and a heavily tattooed arm bent under his head. Ellie could see the manager running from the motel office. The older man stopped and stared, his jaw sagging. The woman upstairs was still screaming.
The scene looked frozen. The man on the ground wasn’t moving. Neither was the motel manager. Ellie yanked her door open.
‘Call an ambulance,’ she shouted at the manager. ‘And the police.’
‘No-o-o…’ The screaming upstairs morphed into words. ‘It was an accident. I didn’t mean to. Oh, my God…Nigel…’ Ellie heard the footsteps of the woman as she ran along the balcony to the stairs, sobbing now. ‘You’re not dead. Please don’t be dead…’
Was he dead? Ellie’s blood ran cold. She didn’t want to be here with her innocent child with a dead man outside their door. The motel manager had vanished back into his office, presumably to call the emergency services. Other people were emerging from their units but they all looked unsure of what they should do. Maybe she was the only person here who had any medical training.
With a desperate glance at her sleeping baby for another heartbeat, Ellie stepped through her door and pulled it closed behind her. The least she could do was make sure the man had a patent airway and to keep his C-spine protected for the few minutes it might take for an ambulance to arrive.
‘Hello…’ She crouched beside the sprawled figure and touched his shoulder. ‘Can you hear me?’
She hadn’t expected a response. Falling from the second floor onto concrete was a recipe for a severe head injury and spinal trauma, if not instant death. Carefully, she tilted his chin just far enough to ensure his airway was open and then she bent, her cheek close to his mouth to feel for a puff of breath, her fingers on his neck to feel for a pulse and her eyes watching for any chest movement.
The woman was beside her now, sobbing uncontrollably as she dropped to her knees.
‘Don’t touch him,’ Ellie warned. ‘We don’t want to move him in case he’s got spinal injuries.’
‘He’s dead,’ the woman sobbed. ‘I killed him. Oh…God…’
‘He’s not dead. He’s breathing quite well and he’s got a good pulse.’ She looked up at the gathering crowd. ‘Can someone find a blanket, please? And maybe some towels? And check that an ambulance is on the way.’
‘It’s coming.’ The motel manager appeared again. ‘They’ll be here as soon as they can.’
‘Good. Can you put your hands on his head, like this…?’ Ellie showed him how to support the man’s neck. ‘Keep him as still as you can. When we get a towel I’ll make a padding to help. I’m going to check for any bleeding.’
Someone ran towards them with a pile of towels and some plastic shopping bags.
‘I couldn’t find any gloves,’ the middle-aged woman said breathlessly, ‘but I did a first-aid course and they said bags were good.’
‘Thanks.’ The word was heartfelt. Ellie hadn’t thought enough about her own safety. She put bags over her hands and a heartbeat later one was covered in blood. The man was bleeding heavily from a wound on the underside of his arm. Ellie turned the limb and a spurt of blood from a large laceration made it obvious an artery was involved. She covered the wound with her hand and pressed down hard. The rest of her survey would have to be visual. She couldn’t see any more blood but there was an obvious, open fracture to his ankle. She needed something to cover it to help prevent infection. The man needed covering as well. If he was going into shock he needed to be kept warm.
‘How did it happen?’ someone was asking in a horrified tone.
‘I saw him having another fight with his missus,’ another voice answered. ‘She went at him with something and he kind of rolled over the balcony railing.’
‘Probably a knife, by the look of that arm. Has someone called the cops?’
‘They’re on the way.’ The motel manager sounded grim.
‘They’ve got kids, haven’t they? Maybe someone better check on the poor little blighters.’
The woman had buried her face in her hands and was rocking back and forth, crying hysterically.
‘Mummy?’ A frightened voice came from overhead. ‘What are you doing? Darren’s crying. He’s scared…’
Ellie glanced up to see the terrified face of a small girl who was crouched down and peering through the railings. It was a stark reminder that there were children involved here. She couldn’t afford to forget about her own child either. Mouse was due to wake up any time now and the thought of her being alone in the unit and crying for her mother was unbearable. But she couldn’t leave. She had pressure on an arterial bleed and she couldn’t let go.
The voices of the people surrounding her began to blur into a muttering that merged with the wailing of the distraught woman and the cries of the children upstairs. Ellie’s fingers in the plastic bag slipped for an instant and a fresh well of blood appeared. It made her feel faint. Dizzy.