“The panic? Or other things?” she asked.
He looked at her, all desperate, lost and corrupted. And he knew he owed her this. “The other things. Like the fact that sometimes I just wish I could go back. Back to the island. Away from this and people. And worrying about whether I’m okay or not.”
Addison took an unsteady breath. “That’s what I want. To go back. To when things were simple. Selfish. I know it is. But I can’t help it.”
“It’s not selfish. Or if it is, it’s no more selfish than what anyone else in your situation would want.”
“It’s terribly selfish. Because I’d rather be comfortable and ignorant than know the truth and deal with this. Because he hurt people and now that he’s dead he can’t hurt people and I’m still….wishing things could go back. It meant everything to Katy to have him stopped. Because it’s his fault her sister killed herself, and since Katy’s marrying Austin, she’s my sister and I just…Feeling this seems like a betrayal. Of her. Of so many people.”
“Because what happened betrayed you, Addison,” he said. “Because it changed your life. That’s why. Because he was your dad even if he was a prick.”
She laughed. “I know. And part of me…it’s like you have a picture of who your dad is. Of what a dad is. You get it when you’re really little. And Jason was never around much for me. But I would see him walking through the house in his suits. In a tux, ready to go out. And I thought he was…I admired him. I thought he looked perfect. I thought he was what everyone’s dad should look like. He wasn’t around much. He never paid a lot of attention to me. But I think part of me never gave up on the hope that he would. But…it’s too late. Now he’s dead. No redemption. No change. And I don’t have the father I hoped I could.” He let her words fade into silence, watched her take in shaking breath after shaking breath, until she lifted her head again. Her eyes met his, like fierce blue jewels glittering in the light. “Well, since I can’t have that, I suppose I’ll just have this.”
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