Midnight

Eileen smiled. ‘He was such a quiet baby . . . pale-looking and good as gold. And then he turned into a fine, handsome young man.’

Thomas nodded at Eileen’s memories of Jack, but he recalled Jack as being a chubby baby, with a smile to brighten the day and an active curiosity about everyone and everything.

All this talk of Jack made him strong in Libby’s mind. For a long time she had hoped he might come back, but then a new family moved in next door, and she resigned herself to the idea that she would never see him again. To this very day, she missed him. She missed his company and his quiet smile, and the way he always took it on himself to take care of her at school.

Once, after an older girl had bullied and upset her, Jack had shyly kissed her on the mouth, before shooting off quickly, as though having shocked himself. That was the first time he ever kissed her. And the last. Thinking of it now, she involuntarily raised her fingers to her mouth, gently brushing her lips. The memory of Jack’s mouth on hers was surprisingly vivid.

‘Libby!’ Her mother’s raised voice broke the spell. ‘I was talking to you.’

Mortified, Libby was quickly attentive. ‘What is it, Mum?’

‘Oh, dear, I’ve forgotten now, but it doesn’t matter. Must’ve been something and nothing.’

Like Libby, Thomas was miles away, back in the past, thinking of the tragic Redmond family; and particularly of young Jack. ‘What age will he be now?’ he mused. ‘As I recall, he were just a bit older than Libby, so he must be over thirty now.’

‘Oh, dear, is it really that long?’ Eileen was surprised and saddened at the speed with which the years had flown away.

‘I wonder where he went.’ In truth, Libby had never stopped wondering.

Her mother wondered too. ‘I hope he’s all right.’

‘I expect he’s wed,’ Thomas chipped in, ‘wi’ a couple o’ children running round his backside.’

As always, Eileen had a short span of concentration. ‘Libby, now I remember what I wanted to ask you,’ she said.

‘Good. So, what was it, Mum?’

‘Do you ever feel guilty about your father?’

‘Not at all, no.’ She was used to her mother flitting from one subject to another.

‘Don’t you want him back?’

‘Not now. He chose someone else over us and left.’ Libby was more bitter than ever. Convinced that her father’s womanising had damaged her mother’s mind, she had been disgusted to learn that he had even had a fling with Jack’s mother.

‘Don’t you love him?’ Eileen asked.

‘I didn’t even know him, not really.’ Nor did she want to, ‘Don’t forget, I was only a little girl when he left.’

When Eileen again grew silent, Libby wished she hadn’t voiced her true feelings. ‘I’m sorry, Mum. I didn’t mean to be so hard.’

Eileen understood. ‘You were right,’ she answered. ‘He did hurt us both, very much.’ Her pretty brown eyes misted over. ‘It’s just that, well . . . I really miss him, that’s all.’

‘I realise that,’ Libby said kindly, ‘but it was a long time ago and, like Thomas said, you could never have changed him.’

After her father went away, he was kept alive by the photographs lovingly placed about the house by her mother. And also by the stories her mother would tell over the years, about how it used to be, and how, one day, Ian Harrow was bound to come home. But he never did.

‘It’s best if you don’t think about the bad things any more,’ Libby suggested now.

‘You didn’t know, but last night, when you were fast asleep, I went to find him,’ Eileen confided. ‘I sneaked out and walked the streets – and there he was.’

Sensibly , Libby let her talk. It was the only way.

Eileen mumbled on: ‘I hoped he might be sorry for what he did to us. I wanted it to be like it was before . . . well, you know, don’t you, love?’

‘Yes, Mother, I think I do.’

‘When I found him, he was angry with me. At first he tried to send me away, but I told him if he would come home with me and be like he was before, I would forgive him. I even promised him money. He was bad, though, wasn’t he? He came back, but he only wanted to hurt us again.’ Her voice broke. ‘Oh, Libby, why would your father do such a thing?’

Realising she was drifting away from reality, Thomas felt obliged to help. ‘Listen to me now, m’dear. That man you brought home was not your husband.’

‘Who was he, then?’ Eileen looked at them both, perplexed.

‘You should never have gone out, Mother,’ Libby said firmly. She had believed the precautions she’d taken were enough. Thomas had even fitted a gate at the top of the stairs. And yet again, her mother had outwitted them both.

‘I’m sorry, Libby, I won’t do it again.’

‘Good. I’m glad about that.’

‘The bad man who hurt us just now. Was that your father?’ Her confusion thickened.

Libby suddenly found it hard to hold back the tears.

She was losing her mother again. ‘No, Mum. That man was a stranger. Thomas sent him packing.’

Inside her mind Eileen struggled to put the pieces together. ‘Who was he, then?’ she asked worriedly. ‘Why was he here?’

‘There’s nothing for you to worry about, m’dear.’ Gently intervening, Thomas put her mind at rest. ‘He came in off the streets, wanting a handout. He was a rogue, and now he’s gone.’

‘I don’t want him to ever come back!’

‘You don’t need to worry, my darling, because he won’t be back.’

‘Not ever?’

‘No. Not ever.’

‘Do you promise?’

Thomas nodded, his eyes moist with sorrow. ‘I promise. With every bone in my body.’

‘Thank you, Thomas. You’re the best friend to me and Libby,’ Eileen whispered, and in an impromptu move that surprised the other two, she leaned forward and pursed her lips for a kiss.

With aching heart, Thomas took hold of her hands, and drawing her close, he kissed her quickly, with great tenderness. ‘I’m always here for you,’ he promised hoarsely. Then, addressing Libby, he stood up to leave. ‘Thanks for that nice bit o’ breakfast. Went down a treat, it did.’

Libby nodded. ‘Mum’s right,’ she acknowledged. ‘You really are a true friend.’ She had been touched by the way her mother had asked him for a kiss, and he responded, appearing to be deeply moved.

Thomas assured her, ‘What I did was only what any right-minded bloke would do. Now then, ladies, don’t forget: if you need me . . .’

‘We know where you are,’ Libby finished, and showed him to the door, where they bade each other good day.

Thomas walked the few steps along Bower Street to his own little house next door, thinking about the vile creature he had sent packing. ‘He’ll not be back,’ he muttered. But like Libby, he had a feeling it would not be the last time Eileen would go wandering off. ‘We shall have to keep a sharper eye on her in future.’

He gave an involuntary shiver. The sun was bright, but there was no warmth in it. ‘You should’ve put your coat on,’ he chided himself. ‘Catch your death o’ cold if you’re not careful!’

Cheering up, he made his way through the little wooden gate and on down the garden path, pausing to see if the flower-buds were peeping out. ‘Too early yet!’ he chuckled wryly. ‘They’ve got more sense than me. Like as not, they won’t pop their heads up for a while yet.’

Letting himself into the house, he closed the door behind him. It was only a few steps along the passageway to the living-room. Once there, he dropped his weary body into the depth of a big old armchair. When it creaked beneath his weight, he laughed out loud. ‘Sounds like I’m not the only one getting old,’ he remarked to the empty room. ‘Old and worn, me an’ the chair both.’

Rolling up his shirt-sleeves, he noticed a dark, elon-gated bruise on his wrist. ‘I’m too bloody old to be rugby tackling fellas, that’s for sure!’

He gave a deep, rumbling laugh. ‘Saw the bugger off though, didn’t we, eh? Me an’ the lasses – we saw the bugger off good and proper!’ For the first time in a long while, he felt useful. Moreover, he felt proud to have dealt with such an ugly situation.

His mood sobering, Thomas gazed at the fire-grate and the dark coals flickering there. He felt safe in this little house; sheltered from the changing world and the harshness of life. This home was where he had been most happy, with his late wife. It had always been a deep disappointment that he and Rose were never able to have children. If they had, his life and hers would have been all the sweeter. Maybe then, she’d still be with him, grandchildren on her knee.

Growing melancholic, he got up from the chair and ambled over to the sideboard, where he studied the array of photographs displayed there. His eyes settled on one in particular – of a pretty young woman seated on a swing near the rose-beds in Corporation Park.

He recalled the day clearly. It was high summer and they’d been married for two years to the very day. The gentle breeze lifted her long fair hair, just as he was about to take the picture. She laughed, he clicked the button, and she was captured for ever. This photograph had always been his favourite one of her. They were young then, and she was so beautiful.

He had always wondered what she saw in him – an ordinary-looking bloke with few prospects. But oh, how he loved her, and still did . . . to this very day, in spite of everything life had thrown at them.

Collecting the photograph, he carried it to the chair, where he sat down and stared at it for what seemed an age, until the tears ran freely down his weathered old face. ‘I know what Eileen meant when she said she missed her husband,’ he told the image, ‘because I miss you, every minute of every day.’

After a time he went to the back window and looked out. ‘See that!’ He turned the photograph, imagining she might see what he’d done to the garden. ‘I’ve set the flowers either side of the path, the way you like it,’ he said proudly. ‘And look at the potting shed . . . I’ve created a bed of your favourite red geraniums along the front. Should be lovely, come the summer.’ He gave himself an imaginary pat on the back. ‘Give it another month, an’ our little back garden will be ablaze with colour, you wait and see.’

Glancing up at the skies, he chided himself, ‘Hark at me! Telling you what it looks like and how pretty it’ll be. I expect you can see more than I can, from up there with the angels.’

His sorry gaze lingered on the shifting clouds, following their progress across a kindly sky. ‘I do miss you, Rose,’ he murmured. ‘I even miss you nagging at me when I made your tea too strong. I miss our cuddles, and seeing your pretty face in the mornings when I wake, and I miss your chatter and laughter. I know I’ll never hear that again, and it makes me really sad.’

When the tears threatened again, he told himself sharply, ‘You stop that, you silly old devil! She’s gone, and you can’t bring her back. It’s the way it is, and that’s that. Some of us are destined to go, and others are left behind to soldier on, and like it or not, that’s a fact of life.’

He chatted for a while, telling her, ‘Eileen next door snuck out again. She went looking for her two-timing husband. Brought a real bad fella home this time, she did. But thankfully, we managed to get rid of him without too much trouble.’

He lapsed into thought for a time, before softly confiding, ‘I must confess, Rosie, I really do like Eileen. In her clearer moments, we seem to understand each other. We’ve both suffered a loss and we’re both lonely – though of course she’s a bit luckier than me, because she’s got her daughter Libby, while I’ve got no one.’

A gentle sadness marbled his voice. ‘Yes, I know she’s damaged and I know she’s a handful, but it’s nice to be able to take care of someone, and those two lovely people next door are more like family than neighbours. During the day, when Libby goes to work and I nip round to keep Eileen company, I find myself laughing with her over silly little things. We sit and have a cup of tea and I let her chatter on, because she likes to talk, and it does my old heart good.’

He relayed the gist of the recent conversation about Jack Redmond, remembering how Rose used to claim that Jack’s mother was unfit to have children, while mourning the fact that infertile women like herself were denied the opportunity of ever becoming a mother.

‘The truth is, young Jack were thrown to the wolves,’ Thomas declared angrily. ‘If you’d still been here, I know you would have offered him a home, my sweet Rosie, but he were a proud young fella, and I don’t believe he would have accepted any kind of charity. Just now, me and the girls next door, were wondering what might have happened to him, and whether he found a better life after leaving these parts.’

He scratched his head. ‘Listen to me, talking away as if you’re sitting there listening to me! But y’see what I’m saying, sweetheart? It’s good for me to pop in next door. It keeps me up with what’s going on, and it gives me summat to think about. Moreover, it’s nice for me to look after Eileen of a morning. We have a laugh. We get on really well together, and you know what?’ He gazed directly at his late wife’s photograph. ‘Eileen and Libby make me feel I’m needed, if y’see what I mean?’

While his gaze lingered on her pretty face, his old heart flooded with guilt. ‘I’m really sorry, my lovely. I don’t mean to make you jealous, or hurt your feelings or anything of the kind, but I do love Eileen. Oh, not in the way I loved you. I could never love any woman like I love you.’

He gave a quiet smile. ‘I’m not saying we never argued, because you know very well we did, and there were times when you drove me to distraction.’ He did not want to think badly of her; to him, she would always be his first and only real love. ‘I’ve always loved and adored you, and I always will.’

Pressing two fingers on his lips, he transferred the kiss onto her photograph. ‘The thing is, we none of us know what’s round the corner. Fate can be a giver or a taker. Sometimes she’s kindly, and sometimes she causes terrible pain. Things happen and we’d rather they didn’t – and however desperate we are to change them, we just can’t.’

Returning the photograph to the sideboard, he went across the room, heavy with regrets, and as always, wishing his wife was still there. Sinking into his familiar, cosy armchair, Thomas let his mind wander back over the years.

There had been so many wonderful times which he would not change for the world, but there were other, more recent memories that brought him little comfort. He also had a deep regret that he and his wife had not been blessed with children. And now, he was left to face the future alone.

He had always been a practical man. He believed there was a reason for everything; though for the life of him, there were times when he struggled to fathom what that reason was. Overwhelmed with emotion, he leaned forward in the chair, spread his hands over his face and, frantically rocking back and forth, he began to cry. When the dark memories flooded his mind, the sorrow was more than he could bear. ‘I miss you, my lovely,’ he whispered. ‘And I’m so sorry.’

In that crippling moment, he thought of everything he had suffered since his woman had gone. First, the raw shock of it all. Such pain. Such grief. And then the unending loneliness.

The trauma of losing her would never leave him. Grief and pain he had learned to live with. But the loneliness was the worst punishment of all.

Chapter Four

‘YOU’RE LUCKY THE specialist had a cancellation and could fit you in so quickly.’

‘Don’t be afraid to say it, Molly,’ Jack reminded her. ‘He’s a psychiatrist!’

‘Look, Jack! Don’t let’s go through all this again. Just go and see him. For my sake, if not for yours. Neither of us have had a good night’s sleep in ages!’

‘No need to get agitated, Moll. I haven’t said I won’t go and see him!’ Jack wondered what he might be letting himself in for, and he was not looking forward to seeing the psychiatrist. I think you’re over-reacting. I know I’ve kept you awake, but like I said, I’ll move into the spare room. It’s not a problem for me.’

Molly would not hear of it, ‘You’re wrong! It is a problem – for both of us!’ Snatching up the breakfast-plate, she slid it onto the sink-top. ‘I’ve told you before: sleeping in separate bedrooms would be the beginning of the end of our relationship.’

‘Huh! That’s not saying much for our relationship then, is it?’

‘We’re already drifting apart, Jack. I can’t help but wonder how long it will be before I’m out of your life altogether.’

‘That won’t happen. Not if I have anything to do with it.’

‘Look, Jack. I know it isn’t easy for you, but you must go and see him, even if it’s only to talk.’ She paused, recalling all the things he had told her, about the childhood drawings, and the dark images. ‘I don’t see what you see, when you’re dreaming,’ she conceded quietly, ‘but I’ve seen how the nightmares affect you. You have to talk with someone who might be able to help you. This is your chance, Jack,’ she coaxed. ‘What have you got to lose by keeping the appointment?’

When Jack gave no answer, Molly grew angry. ‘For pity’s sake, Jack! What the hell is wrong with you?’

‘You don’t understand.’

‘Then tell me!’

She placed her hands over his in a gesture of reassurance. ‘I’m frightened of losing you, Jack. I’m frightened that if you don’t get professional help, there might be no way back.’

Jack gave a harsh little laugh, ‘That’s a bit dramatic –no way back!’ He knew what she meant, but wouldn’t admit to it.

In truth, there were times when he thought the same. Lately, he found it increasingly difficult to cope.

‘JACK!’

Molly’s raised voice startled him.

‘Will you keep the appointment, or not?’

Collecting his plate and cup, Jack got out of the chair to place them in the sink. ‘Look,’ he explained, ‘if I seem reluctant to go, it’s just that I went through a lot of this stuff when I was a kid.’

He remembered it as if it was yesterday: the long hours in a stuffy room; the questions he found hard to answer; the fruitless tests and meaningless suggestions, and later the snide remarks from the other kids at school.

Afterwards, for a time the nightmares went away, but they soon came back, stronger than ever.

He had promised never to put himself in the hands of strangers again, so he learned to live with his fears. He became clever at putting on a front for his parents and teachers. When the dreams took him, and he woke with the darkness and the images still clinging to him, he would walk the floor of his bedroom until he was able to relax into a kind of shallow sleep. They never knew. And he never told them.

Consequently, the sessions with the child psychologist eventually stopped altogether. But not the dreams and not the darkness, because they were still there, in that other place. The place where his mind took him.

Over the ensuing years, he had hidden his secret well. Until Molly came into his life and began to sleep with him.

‘You win, Sweetheart.’ Walking over to the sink, he put his arms around her. ‘As soon as I get to the office, I’ll talk to the boss and arrange an extra-long lunchtime.’

‘Good! And I’ll do the same.’

‘Why would you do that?’ he asked defensively. ‘To check up on me? To make sure I get there, is that it?’ He did not want her too involved.

Molly protested, ‘No! It’s just so you won’t have to go on your own, that’s all.’

‘But that’s just it,’ Jack told her. ‘I want to go on my own.’

‘No! That’s not right. You need me there.’

‘Molly, listen to me. I prefer to be on my own.’ Sometimes, she was like a dog with a bone. ‘I don’t want to worry about you being there – if I freak out, or anything. You see, once the therapist starts digging into my brain, who knows how I might react? Like I said, I’ve been there before, so I know what I’m talking about.’

‘All the more reason for me to be there for you.’

‘No, Molly – the subject is closed. I appreciate the offer, but I’m going on my own, and that’s an end to it.’

‘All right, I’ll stay away – but if you want me, give me a call or text me, and I’ll be straight over.’

‘I can tell you now, I won’t be calling you. Like I say, I know what’s coming, and I’m probably better equipped to deal with it now I’m older.’

A short time later, they left the house. Within the hour, Jack had dropped her off at the estate agents in Woburn, before travelling on to the Bletchley showroom, where he clinched a deal with a longstanding customer.

‘You’ve made the right choice, Mr Gallagher.’ With the papers signed and the monies paid, Jack led the client outside, where the shiny new Lexus was parked and waiting.

‘I doubt there’ll be any problems.’ Handing over the car-keys, he then shook the buyer by the hand. ‘If you think of anything you’ve forgotten to ask, just give us a shout.’

The customer was a weasel of a man, but while he looked somewhat lost in such a big car, he appeared more than capable as he skilfully manoeuvred it out of a tight spot, before driving off at some speed.

Jack rubbed his hands. ‘Another satisfied customer,’ he thought, feeling very pleased with himself. ‘Another sizeable commission.’ But when he remembered his appointment in a couple of hours’ time, his sense of achievement fell away.

‘What’s wrong with you?’ Jan the receptionist had noticed how he seemed on top of the world when he walked by her with the customer, and now he looked as though the weight of the world was on his shoulders. ‘Lost one of your boy-toys, have you?’ she quipped. ‘Don’t be sad. There’s another delivery in today.’

‘That’s right.’ Jack gave her a cheeky wink. ‘One out, another in. Keeps the wheels turning, so they say.’

‘Oh, I see.’ She tutted. ‘So does that apply to women too – one out, another in?’

‘I never said that.’ He was used to her teasing.

As he hurried back to the office, she called after him, ‘At least when you sell a car, you can look forward to a commission! Not me, though. I smile and make the tea. I answer the phone, run about and take a lot of stick from you lot. But I get no commission.’

Jack leaned out of the office door, ‘Ah, but you get the unending gratitude of the team, and a big smile from yours truly. What else do you want?’

‘Do you really need me to tell you?’

Jack laughed out loud. ‘Not just now.’

‘Later then?’ She gave him a saucy smile.

‘Behave yourself, you!’ He went back into the office, still smiling at her naughty banter.

A short time later, having filed away the last of the paperwork from the sale, he made his way to the main office and tapped on the door.

‘Come!’ The voice was small, but the man seated behind the desk was built like a buffalo, with a short, thick beard and dark-rimmed spectacles. ‘I see you’ve clinched that deal this morning? Well done, Jack!’

Hoisting himself out of his seat, the boss, Branagan, strolled across to where the office window looked into the showroom. ‘So, what can I do for you?’ Hands clenched behind his back, he commented, ‘Well, now! For a man who’s just earned himself a handsome commission, you don’t seem too pleased with yourself. Is there a problem?’

Jack explained, ‘I need to beg some time off this afternoon – an hour, possibly two.’

Stuart Branagan became curious. ‘Might I ask why?’

‘Doctor’s appointment,’ answered Jack.

‘Really? Is everything OK?’

Jack already had an answer. ‘It’s nothing serious – well, at least it’s serious to me, because it’s quite painful. I strained my back some time ago. I just need my GP to take a look so he can give me something for the discomfort, that’s all.’

‘Strained your back, you say?’ The manager was instantly on his guard. ‘You haven’t been lifting stuff on these premises when you’re not supposed to, have you? Because if you have, there’ll be no comeback on the company. You know the rules, Redmond!’

Jack was quick to reassure him. ‘No, it’s nothing I’ve done here. I don’t know how I did it, but it’s beginning to really play me up. My doctor will probably prescribe anti-inflammatories, that’s all. I won’t be away long. An hour. Two at the most, depending on traffic.’