Through the Zombie Glass

“That wasn’t just about the toxin, was it?” he asked, the concern giving way to sympathy.

I remained silent.

“Has that ever happened before?”

“Wh-what?” Almost dying?

“A panic attack?”

Panic attack? No. “That’s not what just happened.” I’d weathered the death of my family. A breakup wouldn’t ruin my mental stability. I wouldn’t let it.

“Ali, sweetheart, I’m a doctor. More than that, for several years I was married to a woman with an anxiety disorder. I know a panic attack when I see one.”

Anxiety disorder. No. Not that, either. “I’m fine,” I said, my voice ragged. “Just tired.”

His smile was sad. “Did something happen to trigger it?”

Something like losing the other part of me? “I told you I’m fine,” I replied stiffly, then regretted my tone. He was being nice, trying to help me. He didn’t deserve my rancor.

He sighed, pushed to his feet. “The more you know about the triggers, the better you’ll handle the episodes. If you ever want to talk about it...”

“I don’t. I won’t. I’m fine, really.”

“All right. Well, don’t worry about the room. I’ll send someone up to clean.”

“No! No,” I said more gently. “I’ll take care of it.”

A pause, then, “If that’s what you prefer.” Like Cole, he left the room.

Left me alone.

My new heart sped up all over again.

* * *

I righted the furniture and cleaned the room, even patched the hole in my wall. The one Cole had caused. It had reminded me of him, and I wasn’t fond of reminders right now. I threw our picture in the trash.

The next week passed in a daze. Every day I had to bury my emotions as deep as they would go and pretend everything was peachy, just to make it through school. Kat and Reeve treated me the same; they had no idea Cole and I had broken up. I hadn’t told anyone, and for some reason, neither had he. I think the girls were onto me, though, and I expected questions very, very soon.

I stayed away from Cole’s gym and worked out with Kat in Mr. Ankh’s. I still hadn’t been put on rotation, but I hadn’t pushed because the zombies hadn’t made another appearance.

I wasn’t eating, wasn’t sleeping.

I couldn’t go on like this.

“Emma,” I said as I burrowed under my covers. “Emma.” I needed my baby sister.

I wasn’t sure how much time passed before she materialized in the center of my room.

“Oh, Ali.” She stretched beside me on the bed, ghosting her hand through my hair. Somehow she calmed me, the weird heartbeat evening out, the hunger pains that always seemed to hover at the edge of my conscious ebbing. “I hate seeing you like this.”

“I’m better now that you’re here.”

“I’m glad. And I’m glad you called me.” Her dark eyes were luminous as she said, “Would it help to know I’ve been watching Cole? He’s miserable, too.”

“Maybe,” I said with a sniffle. “Why have you been watching him?”

“I think he’s spying on the other slayers.”

Why would he do that? He trusted the people around him, everyone but me, that is, and—

Wait. “I don’t care anymore.” I changed the subject. “The night I was bitten, you didn’t put a rabbit cloud in the sky. Why?”

“I had been watching the zombie nests, and none of them had stirred. The ones that attacked you came out of nowhere.”

No, they’d had to come from somewhere. But where? And what did this mean...for the...future? Can’t concentrate. So tired.

“I’m losing you,” she said with a chuckle. “Rest now.”

I must have fallen asleep at long last; the next time I opened my eyes, she was gone.

Thursday, Nana tried to talk to me about my sudden withdrawal. She was worried I was sick. I assured her I was the picture of health.

Friday, Mackenzie and Trina insisted on driving me home from school, and I buckled in back of a beat-up Jeep. They knew my situation without being told.

“I recognize the glaze in your eyes,” Mackenzie said, twisting in the passenger seat. For once, there was no heat in her tone. No condescension or anger on her face. “I know we’ve never liked each other, but I do mean it when I say I’m sorry for what you’re going through. And maybe I should have warned you. This is what he does. This is what he’s always done.”

I peered out the window. The sun was bright today, making my eyes water. “What do you mean? What does he always do?”

“He cuts and runs when things get serious, and I don’t think he even realizes he’s doing it. He just looks for an excuse, and then boom, it’s over.”

I remembered the panic I thought I’d seen in his eyes. I’d convinced myself I’d imagined each instance, but what if they had been the start of the demise of our relationship? Not the visions.

“Yesterday I asked Veronica straight-up,” Trina said. “When he broke up with her, he told her he couldn’t do the long-distance thing anymore.”

I wondered what he would say about me, when he finally started talking.

“He’s a great guy,” Mackenzie said, “but he’s never been in a relationship for the long haul.”

“I think his friendships are the same way. Don’t get me wrong, I know he loves us slayers.” Trina maneuvered the car onto Reeve’s street. “I’m never in doubt of that. But I’m always aware of the fact that he keeps me at a bit of an emotional distance. He does it with everyone but Frosty and Bronx—they’re like brothers with other mothers or something. Frankly, I was shocked he let you get as close as you did, as fast as you did.”

I thought I understood. Cole had lost his mom to the zombies. He knew he would lose his dad the next time his dad was bitten, since the man had developed an immunity to the antidote. If he let someone else all the way in, like, say, a girlfriend, and then he lost her, too, he probably didn’t think he would survive.

The fury returned—the roots had never withered. How dare he? How dare he lead me on, making me want more, when he’d never planned to see this thing through? And then to throw me away because of what might happen at some later date... Because of fear...

“There’s the spirit we’re used to seeing,” Mackenzie said with a nod of approval.

No, this was something else. Something sharper. But I didn’t correct her. “Has he ever gone back for seconds?”

“Never. Not even when we get desperate and try to steal his attention by messing around with someone else,” she added bitterly.

There was a story there, but I wouldn’t pry.

“So...what excuse did he give you?” Mackenzie asked.

“Have you heard about my vision with Gavin?”

She nodded. “Gavin has been soliciting advice.”

“That’s why.”

Anger glazed her eyes. Anger on my behalf? “Someday some girl is going to come along, and he’s not going to be able to let her go. Maybe she’ll dump him, and he’ll learn what rejection feels like.”

Maybe. But that would mean he loved her. My nails dug into my thigh.

“I’m guessing your vision with Gavin is the reason Cole has stayed silent about the breakup,” Trina said. She parked in Reeve’s driveway. “He doesn’t want Gavin coming to you for information about your ability, something he would do if he knew you and Cole were over.”

“Which isn’t like him,” Mackenzie said, a little confused now. A lot intrigued. “Cole doesn’t usually care what a girl does or who she does it with once he’s done with her.”

Part of me wanted to thrill over this knowledge. Maybe he still cared about me. The other part of me scoffed. I wasn’t so pathetic...was I? “He and I are over, and that’s that. I’ll be fine,” I said tightly. “Thanks for the ride, girls. And the conversation. I appreciate it.”

Mackenzie grabbed my hand to stop me before I could emerge. “We’re here if you need us.”

* * *

I had the dream again.

My mother reached for me. Warmth spread through me.

She shook me, shouting, “Alice. Wake up!”

I didn’t. Not this time.

The zombies came for her, dragged her off and threw her on the cold, hard ground next to my dad. Then they fell on her, disappearing inside her, eating her spirit right out of her body. At first, she screamed and fought. Then she quieted and writhed. Then she stilled. Black boils appeared all over her skin, the zombie toxin poisoning her from the inside out.

I watched, helpless, sobbing.

And when I woke up, my cheeks were actually wet.

Had she died that way? Even the thought filled me with a terrible, dark rage. She had been such a gentle, loving woman. She’d never knowingly hurt anyone. For those creatures to torture her that way...

Can’t deal with the past. I crawled out of bed and into the shower, not leaving until my fingers and toes were like prunes. I towel-dried, swiped a shaky hand across the steam-covered mirror. My gaze caught on my reflection, and I stumbled backward, shocked. I was... There was... Impossible.

Tick, tock. Tick, tock.

The sound whispered through my mind, keeping time to the beat of my new heart. I stepped as close to the mirror as I could get, until the round edge of the sink prevented me from going any farther. There were dark smudges under my eyes and around my lips, and a black dot the size of my thumb streaked over my heart. Though I scrubbed with all my strength, leaving welts and nearly peeling off my skin, the splotches remained.

Could stress do this?

Maybe. Probably.

I turned away from the glass, and the sound of the tick-tocks died. My hands shook as I dressed in a T-shirt, jeans and butt-kicking boots and sheathed a dagger at each ankle.

I picked up my cell and texted Kat.

Me: How soon can U get here? Time 2 work out.

It was just after noon on Saturday. I was done avoiding Cole. I was going to his gym, and I was moving on with my life. Self-inflicted incarceration had done me no good. Obviously.

Mad Dog: Like, NOW. I’m here! Come 2 Reeve’s room.

Me: On my way.

Mad Dog: Walk faster. Reeve’s annoying me.

Reeve: SHE LIES! I annoy no 1.

I stalked down the hall and up the stairs. Reeve occupied the entire top floor. I cleared the landing and sailed inside the first sitting room, an area decorated with pink, pink and more pink, coupled with mounds of lace and rows of ruffles. Every time I came up here, I thought that maybe Valentine’s Day had thrown up and this had been the result.

The bedroom door was open. The girls sat at the edge of the four-poster king (draped in pink satin). Reeve had her hand on Kat’s forehead. Kat was shaking her head in denial of something, her cheeks pale, dark circles under her eyes.

“Are you okay?” I asked her.

Hazel eyes found me, only to skitter away. “Not you, too. I missed out on my beauty z’s, that’s all.”

No. It was more than that. Lately, she’d had more bad days than good.

She returned her attention to me, looked me over and frowned. “But, uh, what’s wrong with you? I mean, I know you’ve been going through something you haven’t had the decency to share with us, but wow. You’re like death walking.”

“Kat!” Reeve said.

“What? It’s true.”

I attempted to scrub the discolorations from my skin. “I don’t know what happened, but I can’t get the smudges off.”

“Smudges? What smudges? You’re the same shade of snow-white as always—and that’s a compliment, by the way. You’re like a winter wonderland fairy, and I’d be eaten up with jealousy if—”

“You weren’t so in love with yourself,” Reeve interjected with a laugh.

“Exactly! You’ve seen me, right? God was on His A game when He made me, all, like, a dash of sexy here, a sprinkle of awesome there. It’s just...your eyes,” Kat said to me. “They’re more haunted than usual.”

The smudges had faded? That quickly? I stalked to the vanity mirror and leaned over, planting my palms on the surface scattered with makeup. My reflection stared back at me, the smudges just as dark as before. Disappointment hit me a split second before I realized something else was wrong. Something far worse.

I wasn’t smiling—but my reflection was.

Tick, tock.

I shook my head, blinked, but the image remained the same. Tick. Reeling, I reached up and patted my lips. Tock. The corners hadn’t somehow lifted without my knowledge. Tick.

No longer able to catch my breath, I straightened and turned away. What I’d just seen... The fault of my imagination, surely.

“I look normal to you?” I demanded.

“Sure. But you’ve lost a little weight your Nana’s chocolate chip cupcakes would fix—hint, hint, I want chocolate chip cupcakes,” Kat said at the same time Reeve said, “Totally.”

Confirmation. My imagination was at fault.

No big deal, I decided. Everything would calm down once I’d dealt with my stress load.

I licked my lips. First step: I had to stop pretending. “So...Cole and I broke up. We’re one hundred percent over. There’s no hope of us ever getting back together.”

“What?” Kat gasped, jolting to her feet. “What’d he do? And I know it’s all his fault, the jerk! I’ll kill him. I swear I will! Reeve, where are your Skittles?”

Reeve ignored her, her hand fluttering over her heart. “Oh, Ali. I’m so sorry.”

I jutted my chin, somehow able to maintain my calm. “Don’t be. That’s life.”

“But you guys were so happy. And he was spending the night with you,” Kat said, clearly reeling. “Bronx told Frosty he caught Cole sneaking out to come see you multiple times.”

I shook my head. “He might have snuck out and spent the night, but we never actually had sex.” Not even before my injury.

Mom had told me to wait for someone special. Someone who loved and appreciated me for more than my body, and wouldn’t run tattling to all his friends. Or hurt me. Or push for more than I was ready to give. Or abandon me if things got rough afterward. I’d thought Cole was that boy, but I must have sensed, deep down, he’d been holding a part of himself back.

Go me.

“He didn’t think we’d last,” I said, “and he didn’t like me enough to fight for me. It hurts, I’m so mad I could do serious damage to him, but I’m not going to break down.” Not again.

“Well, boys suck!” Kat flicked the length of her dark hair over one shoulder, truly angry on my behalf. “Ali, forget working out. Reeve, grab your keys and your dad’s credit card. We’re taking a girls’ day, and since he’s one of the enemy, he’s paying.”

“That seems fair. We just have to be back by six,” Reeve replied, standing. “I have a date—I mean, uh, I’m sorry, Ali.” Her dusky skin flushed, and her shoulders drooped with shame. “I shouldn’t have mentioned my date while you’re suffering and...I’m just so sorry.”

Oh, no, no, no. We weren’t going down the pity road. “Don’t you dare stop talking about your love life just because mine went up in flames.”

“Yeah. What she said. Even though I have a feeling mine will be going up in flames, too.” Kat toyed with the ends of her hair. “I don’t think Frosty will be willing to become a girl for me, and right now I’m totally giving up on dudes.”

Reeve shook her head in exasperation.

Me? I suddenly saw Kat through new eyes. She only ever talked about axing Frosty when she looked pale and withdrawn. In other words, when her kidneys were acting up. Fear was driving her, I realized, just like it had driven Cole. She probably felt vulnerable, desperate to protect herself.

Poor Kat. One day, Frosty might get tired of the hot-and-cold treatment and leave her.

Kat pointed a finger at Reeve. “Don’t think I’ve forgotten you’ve been sidestepping my questions about your mystery guy.”

“Maybe I’ll tell you about him. Maybe I won’t.” Dark amber eyes gleamed with challenge. “You guys aren’t the only ones who can keep secrets.”

Kat backed down; what else could she do? “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m probably the most open and honest girl in the world,” she muttered. “Just ask Ali.”

Both girls peered over at me, expectant.

Kat wanted confirmation. Reeve wanted me to spill our secrets.

“Didn’t someone mention a girls’ day?” I asked.

* * *

We had our hair cut and styled, had facials and bought makeup, perfume, clothes and shoes. Or rather, they bought those things. I was still saving my money and refused to spend Mr. Ankh’s. That didn’t deter the girls. Every time my back was turned, they purchased something else for me and stuffed it in my bag.

Through it all, I avoided mirrors. I couldn’t bring myself to look at my reflection, even though the girls raved about my appearance.

Sadly, I almost hyperventilated when Kat said, “A new you, for a new direction in life.”

Fine. I did hyperventilate, and it freaked out both girls. It was just, terror had wrapped cold, clammy hands around my neck and squeezed, shutting off my airways. The second heartbeat had become more noticeable, and the intense hunger had returned.

Reeve splashed water in my face, but that wasn’t what jolted me out of terror’s grip. As close as she was, I could smell her—such a sweet, mouthwatering perfume—and I wanted to bite her. So bad. The desire threw me into another tailspin. I plopped into a chair, holding on to the arms for dear life...her life...again struggling to breathe.

Kat called Frosty, thinking I needed medical help only the slayers could provide.

Frosty, Bronx, Lucas and Cole—please, anyone but Cole—arrived at the store fifteen minutes later, and all heads turned in their direction. Eyes widened. Women muttered excitedly. Grown men backed away.

“What’s he doing here?” Kat hissed.

The ringing in my ears was finally fading, allowing me to make out her words.

“Sheathe the claws, Kitten,” Frosty said. “We weren’t sure what we were dealing with. And what did you do to your hair?”

“Duh. I fixed it.”

“But I liked it the way it was.”

“Say one more word, I dare you, and I’ll shave it all off. Your ex-girlfriend will be bald.”

“You aren’t my ex,” he said flatly.

I’d never heard him use that tone with her. And yet, their familiar chatter helped soothe me, and the urge to bite Reeve at last diminished. What the heck was wrong with me?

Then Cole was crouching in front of my chair, and the rest of the world was forgotten. Embarrassment burned my cheeks. Wet strands of hair stuck to my forehead and cheeks. My T-shirt had a water ring around the collar.

I met his gaze, not expecting a vision this time and not getting one. I was careful to keep my features blank. Seconds...minutes...maybe hours passed...but he didn’t do what I needed him to do and leave.

Please leave.

Then something happened. The same something that happened every time we were together.

The air around us came to life, thickening with awareness. My skin prickled in the most delicious way.

I didn’t like it—because I liked it so much.

He must have felt it, too, because he looked away.

Thankful for the reprieve, I scrutinized his body language. His fingers were next to mine, twitching on the arms of the chair, as if he wanted to reach for me but was fighting the impulse.

Did he want to reach for me?

My gaze lifted of its own accord.

He was staring at me again. Only he was staring far more intently, that violet gaze drilling into me, trying to burrow past skin and into soul to search for answers I didn’t have.

“I didn’t need the dark knight to race to my rescue,” I sniped. “I’m fine.”

“Ali,” he said on a sigh. “You’re not fine. Kat said you couldn’t breathe.”

“As you can see, I’m over it.” I was proud of my seeming calm. “You can leave now.”

Concern darkened his features, poking at my anger.

He had no right to feel concern for me.

“Why couldn’t you breathe, Ali?”

“Does it really matter?”

At last he reached up, intending to cup my cheeks the way he used to. Just before contact he caught himself. His hands returned to the arms of the chair, caging me in, making me shiver—and hate myself. “Let Ankh run a few tests.”

“No.” I had been wrong to think I could face Cole today. It was too soon. Especially if he was going to be nice.

Why was he being nice?

“We’re done here.” I pushed him out of the way and stood on shaky legs. Frosty was scrubbing his knuckles into Kat’s scalp while she laughed and batted at his arm. Bronx and Reeve were in the midst of a glaring contest.

“We have more to do,” I said to the girls. Then I marched away without another word, my coat and bags hanging at my sides.

Both Kat and Reeve followed me, ditching the boys without hesitation.

“So...did you know that sleeping with twelve different guys is the same thing as sleeping with, like, four thousand?” Kat asked, breaking the silence, the tension.

I could have hugged her. She hadn’t mentioned our guys, and wasn’t going to. She was trying to distract me.

“No way,” Reeve said.

We cleared the doors of the mall, entered the coolness of the day. I pulled on the coat.

Kat nodded. “I crunched the numbers myself. I’m eighty-three percent sure that I’m one hundred percent sure that my math is perfect. See, if you sleep with a guy, you’ve then been with everyone he’s been with and everyone his other partners have been with and everyone their partners have been with. It goes on and on.” She held up one finger. “Frosty is my only, but he’s been with others and I’m sure they’ve been with others, so, I’m guessing I’ve been with at least fifty people—is there a scarlet letter on my forehead?”

“I wonder how many girls Bronx has gotten into bed,” Reeve muttered.

“Bronx? Did you say Bronx? Because I could have sworn you told me you’re over him and seeing someone else,” Kat quipped.

Reeve pursed her lips.

I took a breath—held it. Exhaled, slowly. Mist formed in front of my face. My first real post-breakup encounter with Cole was now history. I’d survived with the tiniest shred of dignity, and that was more than I’d expected. I was going to be okay.

A twentysomething guy stepped into our path, blocking us. We drew to a halt as he said, “Hey, pretty girl,” with a wide, toothy grin aimed at Kat. “How about some company, hmm?”

Another guy pressed into his side. He eyed Reeve up and down as if she were a stick of cotton candy and he was dying from a sweet tooth.

“No, thanks,” she said, and tried to inch around him.

He moved with her, continuing to block her. “Wait. You don’t want to go until we’ve exchanged numbers, do you?”

The other guy leaned down to sniff Kat’s neck. “My own personal brand of crack, right there.”

“Quoting romance novels?” Scowling, she leaned back, out of reach. “Lesson of the day—you don’t smell a girl until she gives you permission. Ever. It makes you a creeper.”

He pouted.

I doubted the two were dangerous. I actually thought they were going for sexy and charming rather than disturbing. And maybe I could have tried to reach a verbal resolution with them. Maybe not.

Despite being “okay,” anger still pulled at an already thin tether.

Nope. Wrong. The tether snapped.

I jabbed my palm into his nose, and cartilage shattered. Blood spurted. Cursing, his friend grabbed hold of my arm. To stop me from running—unnecessary—or to stop me from another attack, I wasn’t sure. I only knew he’d made a mistake. I clamped onto his wrist and twisted with all of my strength, forcing his body to turn with the motion to save the bone from breaking.

Before he could lurch free, I kicked the back of his knee, sending him to the ground. An elbow to the temple finished him off, and he collapsed the rest of the way. He sprawled on the concrete, motionless.

Satisfaction filled me, followed swiftly by guilt.

“Come on,” I said. I tugged the lapels of my coat closer as I walked away.

“That was both cool and frightening,” Kat said with a shudder, keeping pace with me. “I don’t know whether to pat you on the back or run and hide.”

“Where did you learn how to do that?” Reeve asked, her gaze darting back to the boys.