TIDA

– 

They left me. Mereke and Karlygash. They left me alone. Do you understand, Pasha, who I am right now? A father who wrecked his child?

Do I dare to live on Earth after this tragedy? Tell me, why are you torturing me? Would you like to see me like this and make fun of me? Say it directly, why are you torturing me? Would you like to see me this way and make fun of me? Yes, I’m nothing! It is my choice. I want to suffer, Pasha. I couldn’t help when I had to, not like a father but like a doctor. And he needed me! He was waiting for me, I remember his last glance, addressed to me. As it turned out, it was his last glance. It’s curious to observe the way a person who used to be successful is dying inside. Especially if this person is you… You walk around with no emotions and only observe the way people are keeping away from you and look scornfully behind your back… Alcohol is my rock right now, that's why I’m addicted to it, my friend. Pasha, have you ever felt scorn from people who saw you the way you’d never been before? Yes, it’s like that, there’s no other way. And they have no sympathy for me. But isn’t it what I want? It’s my punishment for my crime, friend. I need scorn because I deserved it like no one else. Now you understand me, Pasha? I really wish to disappear. I want everyone to forget me… Would I want to become myself as I used to be before? Would I want to be loved and to love? Unfortunately, it’s all left in the past. My life is over, Pasha. My life has no meaning when it’s empty,– he told so and dropped a half-empty bottle of vodka and cried quietly, covering his face.

– 

No. No and no again. Remember, my friend, Mereke and Karlygash would be delighted if you stopped acting this way. Who else, if not her, would cry when thinking of you, Muhit. And Karlygash is your most beautiful martin, have you forgotten about her? And about the decision to visit us or not, you’ve found the one who might give up on you? Let’s dine together and then you can do what you want, my friend. And, by the way, there’s one more talk. And this talk is very important to me,-said Pavel affirmatively, pulling the closest chair and sitting down. He looked at his eyes trying to notice something more than he’d seen before. At least some little change which might push him to something good, something which

might make his friend the way he used to be before. The one who he used to be. And the one who he was proud of being a good friend. Muhit sat up and trailed to the kitchen, tottering. He drank some tap water there and came back in desire to ask something. He looked at him and looked down on the floor.

– 

Will she not be home today for sure? I’m asking about Irina. I’ll be ashamed to appear this way in front of her. Aren’t you lying to me, Pasha? Don’t tell me about the way I’ve changed. My present appearance is my protection and my protest for society. But mostly it’s my protest for myself. So you came here to talk to me? Let’s talk here then. These days I don’t need anything from anyone. What other kind of talk would you like to have with me? Would you like to ask me about the job? By the way, how is everything at our work? How are our colleagues? I don’t even know the date. Pasha, did you fire me? Tell me directly,friend. I won’t even be offended. Soon they’ll forget me. There was some Muhit and there’s no any Muhit… I know it all. Don’t I? Don’t you think I never thought of that?,– he asked, coming closer to Pavel.

– 

I have nothing to explain to you. I don’t want to flatter you as well. I’m your friend and you know it. I’m the one you can always rely on even when your world is breaking. Muhit. We still need you. And most of all I need you,– replied Pavel shortly.

And after these words Muhit and Pavel hugged tightly.

– 

Thank you for these words, Pasha. I didn’t even expect any other from you. I’m ashamed to look you in the eyes. All this time. I’m sorry for all of this, Pasha. I have lost my heart before you,– he let his hand go and left to rinse his face.

– 

Muhit we’ll talk about it later. Let’s get out. I’ll tell you one case which occured in our department on the way home,-he let him forward and locked the door of the apartment.

Muhit took a shower, ate well and went to bed already prepared by Pavel. He was experiencing a whole range of different emotions and couldn’t fall asleep. He tried to remember everything, literally every detail, every tiny thing but each time he was still tripping on the same thing and stopped his attempt to go back in the past.

– 

Pasha, are you sleeping?,– he asked his question through the darkness of the room.

– 

Can’t you sleep as well? Do you remember I passed over a conversation when you were at your house?,– asked Pavel in the darkness.

– 

Yes, sure, I remember. What did you want to talk to me about? Don’t make me wait for long, Pasha,– asked Muhit in a concerned voice.

– 

I need some advice from you. It’s a thing which concerns both of us. If you’re ready to talk to me, I turn the light on, then, Muhit,– he got up and started putting on his clothes.

– 

I don’t have any sleep and you are intriguing me. I’m getting up. Make up some tea then. Tell what you wanted to discuss,-replied Muhit and started putting on his clothes.

– 

I don’t want to walk around, Muhit. I went up to the management with some offer to start an adaptive medicine office. Do you understand what I’m talking about? You are aware of the fact that nowadays we have many special children. By “special” I mean kids who have such disorders as cerebral palsy, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, delayed psycho-speech development, Down’s syndrome, and autism, of course. Indeed, we need to define our aims and prior and secondary tasks at the stage of appeal. Of course, my goal is to create such a center. We need a well-coordinated work of the team of specialists which will get to their achievements. It would provide the effectiveness of rehabilitation. What would you say on that one, Muhit?,– Pavel looked at his thoughtful friend.

– 

Why are you telling me that? I can’t understand one thing. You know about my son, who was suffering from cerebral palsy…. And you dare to ask me this question? Are you mocking me? Why did you start this conversation? You started so well but now you’re leading to the same. Why are you raising this topic again, Pasha?,– said Muhit angrily.

– 

You’re absolutely right, Muhit. Please listen to me till the end. I’m begging you. I don’t want to hurt your feelings… My goal is not this, friend. I’m telling you this because you are my candidate for this place. Yes, I know that you wanted to help your son and I’m sure that if there was no tragic accident, you’d achieve the desired result. But sadly… Something which everyone can experience happened. Please listen to me and don’t disturb me. All of us are mortal, my friend. Don’t you want to finish what you’ve started and help children in need? You are a true doctor, Muhit, and I’m proud to be your colleague. Yes, of course, we can’t get Kanatik back… However there are other children who also need your help. I know the way you were learning this problem and how deep you dug into each article, will you bury all of your knowledge? We discussed it together and argued over it… Acknowledging that you are needed here and now and not daring to give a hand to all children in need? I will not stay away as well and would be glad to help you if only you began this grand thing, Muhit. Let’s begin this big thing and some other specialists will join us. They will catch up with our beginnings for sure,– he said looking at photos of both of them taken at their workplace, hung up on the wall, sadly.

– 

Pasha, do you think it’s easy to get over everything that happened to me and my sin again? Tell me straight away. Do you think it’s easy to see these children but not see my own son who’s not alive anymore? Frankly speaking, I’d like to quit work. How about their eyes full of pain and despair, and hope? I need to think it over, Pavel. If there weren’t those cursed slippery stones, Pavel. If there wasn’t a moment I lost my focus… Pasha, I can only tell you one thing. I can’t help thinking that I was the one who had it done with my son. If I hadn’t been that careless, that accident wouldn’t have happened. I never told it to anyone. You’re the only one to hear it. I still cry when I remember him. Although why I’m telling you that, you saw my tears… Simultaneously I’m an animal and absolutely nothing, my friend,– he sobbed and went to the bathroom. He tried to calm down there. He wiped off his tears and saw his reflection for the first time in many days. It broke his heart even more and he regretted that he accepted an offer from a friend to come over.

After some time they were in the kitchen and went on his conversation, drinking some tea. It was a late night but each of them wanted to have a chance to speak up. Pavel tried to listen more son his friend could have a chance to get rid of his emotions. And he also tried to ask him the same questions. Muhit was hard to be recognized. He was interested in everything. Perhaps even concealing it from his friend, Muhit was trying to look into the future and make some of his plans. Pavel knew him well and saw it going but he also felt the condition of his friend. The condition which he was trying to bring back to life. The friend who now was trying to conceal his broken heart clumsily. They went to bed late at night and each of them were glad in their own way. This day gave them back the support, a desire to do good deeds.

Pavel was thinking about his family and work. Muhit was trying to remember the way he was helpful to other people. Their wishes and dreams were taking both of them into deep thoughts where a personal satisfaction from helping and saving lives was pushing them to live.

The next day Muhit came back home. He was cleaning for a whole day. His eyes were glad to see washed and folded neat clothes.

– 

Will you really go back to work tomorrow, Muhit?,– he asked himself this question in his mind. He glanced over the room quickly and sadly and went on thinking about the hospital and children. The job which was offered by Pavel didn’t leave his mind. He was trying to focus, imagining to what extent he had to unite all this work in order to achieve the set goals. Deep inside, he was happy to get that offer because it could attract him much with its grandness. Even though the job might be hard, at least it can dim his pain. The pain which dared to change him that much. The pain which gave him a hope to live.

But still, some kind of concern couldn’t leave him.

– 

Muhit, what’s wrong? Kanat, if only you were next to me now… My notes, where are they? I need to help kids with the same problems, Muhit,– he addressed himself and realized the reason for his worry. He sat down, looked at his son’s photo and burst into tears again.

Chapter 3. Meeting

The work went as it was. Muhit started his new thing with great enthusiasm. Recently moving to another building of the children city hospital was met with great enthusiasm from all staff. Each of them wanted to get used to it and most of them were successful. Some of them were still trying to adjust to a new reality, messing with the office numbers and confusing the floors of the building. Muhit belonged to the latter group but his new work, entrusted to him by Pavel, didn’t leave him any opportunity to pay attention to that. And he was really glad. The new medical staff was happy to get new conditions for their patients.

The newly-built city children's hospital had many rooms. But the subject of pride was the supply of medical rooms with modern equipment. Once Pavel asked Muhit to stay after the staff meeting. After asking him about his things, he asked him to sit and listen to him.

Примечания