Simple Truths of Life

Regarding death, I remember how during my work I walked to the subway, thinking about my life and my problems. Having stepped inside, I had a clear realization that if there is nothing after death, then there is no reason not to try to live this life, regardless of what you have to experience in it. After all, something is better than nothing.

In the courier office itself, one of the directors began giving me tasks to take out their garbage in the trash on the street. At first, I did not think anything about it, but as new such requests continued to be given to me, I began to think about how this becomes a kind of job that I do not have to do. It was not even my garbage, since I hardly spent time in the office and did not use office supplies. Soon, I decided to defend my rights and told the director about my unwillingness to take out the garbage. He understood everything, but I was a little embarrassed when they made another courier take out the garbage.

Working as a courier, I was able to visit different parts of Moscow. The salary was small, only 9000 rubles, but I had time to think about what I want in life, and at the same time I was doing something. I thought about going to University, but I did not know which one. I darted between computer science and economics, which I once told the CEO when he drove me to a street near the office after I did a personal job for him. He told me then that he would give me the job of assistant for their economist or programmer – depending on my choice. It was a great chance for a future career…

Once I had no tasks, and I sat on the couch, which stood near the secretaries. I was reading a self-teacher book then to teach myself English, which I decided to learn right after I learned about the real nature of stuttering. There was still an hour until the end of the working day, and I remember exactly how the red-haired secretary Natasha looked at the second hand of the clock hanging above the front door, as if trying to rush it. Our office had very few windows and natural light. Basically, all sections of the office were lit only with lamps, and system administrators even huddled in a tiny room with no windows, the door of which was constantly closed from the eyes of other employees. At that moment with the clock, I realized that I did not want to spend my whole life inside of four walls, I wanted something else, something bigger and more interesting. But I did not know what exactly I wanted…

I quit on May 7, having worked as a courier for several months.

If I remember correctly, it was in May that I wanted to try myself in the modeling business, still having the memories that I used to be considered a handsome guy. I think I wanted to find confirmation that I still was.

I sent my photos to several agencies. I received only one answer, and it just invited me to be an extra in some show called “Sex with Anfisa Chekhova.” It was said in the message that the meeting would be in the VDNH metro, if I remember correctly. I decided to go there.

Coming out of the subway car, I saw a large crowd of young people about my age at the meeting place. Some of them had fun talking with each other. I remember that there were girls. I started having very intense anxiety at the thought of starting to speak with stuttering among the crowd, and in the end I just walked past those people and went outside to walk a bit and then go back home.

I must say that while stuttering was over, my habit of dreaming and thinking about something did not go away completely. Because of this, from time to time I had stupor in my speech or even returned to the old methods of being silent and inactive, as in my previous episode at VDNKh. At that time, I no longer had friends with whom I could learn to speak. Therefore, having a lot of free time, I decided to travel to Moscow shopping centers to talk with different merchants on different topics – depending on what they were selling.

At first, my old fears reminded me of themselves, and I did not immediately dare to open my mouth. But with each new seller that I approached, I became more self-confident and soon became an ordinary person with normal speech. At the same time, I learned about the fact that some sellers will get out of their way trying to sell goods. It is good that I did not take with me money then and I did not have a credit card, because who knows, maybe I would have bought that camera with a huge touch screen…

I also realized during my aspirations to be focused on reality that it is impossible to be stuttering if you are here and now, since your body is under your complete control.

From time to time, I often recalled my decision to begin to fantasize purposefully at the age of 14, and I was depressed by the thought that I had lost as many as 4 years in my imagination. But then I told myself that with an average life of 60 years, I still have about 42 years to enjoy life – in fact, I lived less than one third of my life, just having entered adulthood, and the whole life was still was ahead of me. My experience has given me a chance to learn something unique about human mind.

I also had no desire to play video games anymore. And I regretted spending a lot of time on UFO related websites too for a while… but then my feelings cooled down and I remembered that I had a good reason for doing that – my experience with the bright entity in the village prompted me to start looking for answers to my questions about the unknown side of life and its meaning.

It is a pity that these joyful attempts at self-inspiration were met with a bitter understanding that I would also have to live all these long years with an asymmetry on my lip and with hair falling out.

Then the summer came, and I went to the village. I naively believed that I could regain my old relations with my village friends, but upon arrival it became clear that time was gone. Over the past years, that I was lost in my imagination, I moved away from my friends too much and could not reduce the gap that had formed.

One day it rained, and I was sitting by the window in the Little House, learning English. It suddenly dawned on me that now that stuttering was no longer a barrier in my life, I could achieve many things that I could only dream of before. Then I started to have a burning desire to leave Russian and live in the USA, since from early childhood I was partial to that country, which so often shined on me from the TV screen. I always liked their way of life and values, and I thought back then that the United States was almost a paradise on Earth.

I quickly left for Moscow and started searching on the Internet about the possibilities of emigration. It quickly became clear that it is not that simple, especially for a person without a higher education. But I did not allow this bad news to stop me – I no longer wanted to hide from problems and give up halfway.

I was also bothered by the fact that after three years they could again call me to check the speech at the military registration and enlistment office, and I wanted to leave the country by then.

The main reason for the move, I think, was that I wanted to start my life over with a clean slate in the USA, I wanted to forget about everything bad that reminded me of the past. I did not want to see either my father or my mother – my father because of stuttering, and my mother because of quarrels at school. I wanted to burn all the bridges.

Another important reason for my strong desire to leave Russia was the cold northern climate. Many months of the sky being covered with gray thick clouds often led me into the blues. I wanted to live in a warm climate and see palm trees, sun, and sky all year round. For this reason, I also considered Australia as a possible destination for immigration.

As you know, I have been thinking and dreaming about sex for most of my life. After I found out that such disease as stuttering does not exist, I thought that now I can find a girlfriend. But after my desire to emigrate, I could no longer look for a girl in Russia, as due to my moral qualities and decency, I did not want to look for a girl in order to have sex with her, and then dump her and leave. But there was something else that tormented me in those years. My childhood homosexual experience haunted me, as it was my only sexual experience. Perhaps I wanted to prove to myself that I was normal and of the traditional orientation. I knew that it would not be possible to leave to live in the USA quickly, it could take years, and I understood that these thoughts would not leave me alone. I also thought that if I lose my virginity with a girl, it will help me stop thinking about sex every day.

While working as a courier, I began to get acquainted with girls on a dating site. But I did not find anyone. I remember how at that time one girl started communicating with me, but I did not know what to talk about – a completely logical consequence of many years of loneliness and living in my inner world. After that moment, I decided to start learning different things and expand my circle of knowledge. But, unfortunately, I mostly read only scientific articles about nature and the Universe, but I learned almost nothing about sex relations.

I’ve never looked for girls with a “for sex only” checkmark, and that day became the exception. Soon, one of my messages was answered. I understood perfectly well that it was from a prostitute.

I do not remember if this happened immediately, or some time had passed, but I decided that in my situation it was logical to use their services. I considered myself already spoiled and “dirty” because of my early childhood homosexual experience, and did not think that having sex with a prostitute would be too immoral for me. In addition, I just wanted to finally feel what sex is, so that I can continue to study and work hard to achieve my ambitious goals. I called on the phone and they told me where to go.

When I came outside at Avtozavodskaya, uncertainty visited me. Maybe I was afraid of something new, or maybe a tiny piece of common sense was trying to break through. Whatever it was, I took out my expensive phone with a built-in camera, which for some reason I decided to buy while working as a courier, and called the recorded phone number. I was given the following instructions where to go. My path lay to the corner house on Velozavodskaya street. On the third floor of a Stalinist house, I rang the door of the apartment I was told to come to and a pretty young girl let me in. After I took off my shoes, she told me to wait in one of the rooms with little furniture. I did not have to look at the courtyard from the window for a long time when several women and girls entered the room. They said to choose, and then my gaze fell on a girl with a darkened skin. She immediately turned her head slightly to the side and down so that her black hair covered her face. She interested me, and I chose her.

All the girls left, and the dark-skinned one took two thousand rubles from me and then also left the room. She returned already undressed. I let her know that I had not had sex before, to which she said that there was nothing wrong with that.

Natasha, as she called herself, had to tinker with me for a while to arouse me – one of the negative effects of masturbation. I think you understand what happened next.

During the break before the second time, she started smoking and offered me tea. I do not remember what I answered, but she then went to the kitchen, from where the crash of falling glass utensils was soon heard, and shouts: “Bitch!” – I felt sorry for her at that moment. She returned with a cup of tea. In a conversation with her, I found out that she recently had a birthday and she was one year older than me. She studied at the Faculty of Economics and worked as a prostitute for six months. Also, speaking of depriving me of virginity, she mentioned that she once had another client, a virgin who was twenty-five years old.

After the second time, I said goodbye to her and left. She was very sweet all the time that we were together.

Soon I had the thought that now I would need to tell a girl when meeting with her not only about childhood sexual experiences with a boy, but also about my experience with a prostitute. I realized that finding a girl who wanted to be with me became a little more difficult, as I myself became even more “dirty”.

That experience gave me the answer to another question that I had – will I have health problems after orgasm from having sex. As it turned out, I did not have absolutely any symptoms that I had every time after masturbation for many months. I felt very good even though I had an orgasm twice in one hour. Then I calmed down, because before I was worried that sex could be closed to me due to my health problems.

Even though we used a condom (of course), it became clear to me that even such sex is much better than masturbation. It was a great reason to stop masturbating, which I wanted to do… but, nevertheless, I was drawn to watch an erotic film that Friday night, and again I began to masturbate, recalling the feelings that I experienced a few hours ago.

Having finished my deed, I continued to recall the time spent with Natasha… and then I realized that I was falling in love with her.

I could not help thinking about her the next morning. I was able to find the saved number of their phone in the history of my mobile calls and decided to call and say that I want to visit Natasha again. I was told that she would be home.

Going to that apartment for the second time, I thought that I would just get to know Natasha better, find out how she became a prostitute and tell her about my feelings. I thought that, perhaps, I might take her home. Mom spent all summer and part of the autumn in the country, and it was still June. Just in case, I took with me two thousand rubles that I saved from the courier salary.

When I was taking off my shoes, I heard a man's voice coming from the back room of the apartment. I told the lovely girl that I came to Natasha, and she again asked me to wait in the room where I was last day.

I was sitting on the couch, and I was not very comfortable. Then two or three girls came in and told me to make a choice. Natasha was not among them. I explained that I came to Natasha. They did not really want to listen to me, and one said: “And we’re not to your liking, then?” – I thought about getting up and leaving, which I told them about. Probably, at that moment one of the girls ran to tell the others, and soon a very beautiful blonde with a short haircut ran into the room and asked: “Who wants to leave here?” I always liked such girls, and I took a note of her, and of her beauty. I think, having understood what was the matter, she ran after Natasha, who then ran into the room. She immediately began to tickle my stomach – she found out by firsthand experience that I was afraid of tickling during the previous day. She was very cute, but still having in my head the beautiful blonde with a short haircut, I could not help but think that I was not used to her exotic appearance, which was distracting me a little.

When everyone else left us with Natasha, she immediately asked for two thousand rubles. And here the fact that I had little contact with people and therefore I still was sometimes overflown by the fear to speak played a cruel joke on me. It happened at that moment too. I could not bring myself to tell her about the real purpose of my visit and… handed her the same two thousand rubles that I had taken with me “just in case”.

During the break for the second time, I managed to learn more about Natasha.

She worked as an economist by profession and one day her boss asked her to have sex with him. She refused him and was fired. Natasha tried to find a new job, but could not, and when her earned money ran out, she called her friend, who had been working as a prostitute in that apartment for some time, and told her: “I am coming to you” – and now we have our conversation. She also said that her mother lived in Turkey, and her father lived in Moscow Oblast. This explained her appearance and a little dark skin color.

I remember exactly how she said once that “sex is a good sport”. I do not remember exactly if it was said after I mentioned that I did exercises every day after she asked me if I was played sports, or she additionally mentioned this when I asked her if she liked being there and doing all the prostitute stuff.

But I remember exactly how right after her comparison of sex with sport, I asked her: “But what about love?”. Natasha told me that she had love once, but she became disappointed with it after her ex-boyfriend chased her with a knife.

I thought then about telling her about the real purpose of my visit, but different thoughts ran through my mind. One of them was that a few months ago I was looking at photos of a naked girl, and on that page people could leave comments. One of those comments spoke of that girl’s “busted pussy,” referring to her large labia. Unfortunately, at that time I did not check such “teachings” in verified sources of knowledge, and therefore I put it in my head that such large labia meant that the girl had a lot of rough sex, which is why they began to have such dimensions. The fact is that one of Natasha’s inner lips was two centimeters long, which had a certain weight in my following decision.

As soon as I decided to finally tell her the truth and was about to say the first words, she suggested that we have sex for the second time and she began to touch me in the southern latitudes, arousing me.

I am not sure if my first and last cunnilingus was worth the untold truth – no, of course not. During our intercourse, she rushed me, looking at the door and saying something about time.

We finished, and I thought to tell her again, but if before she was very nice and amiable with me, then she just walked coolly to the window while I was dressing up.

While Natasha had her back turned to me, my brain, oversaturated with almost ideal forms of female bodies from porn sites, could not hide the thought that the shape of Natasha's bottom was not to my liking.

Then I once again made a fatal mistake, deciding to fix in my head the fact that she herself made her choice, given that she had a father in Podmoskovye and could just go to him. This was the second time that I consciously blocked my feelings for another person, putting in my own mind a block in the form of an idea – in this case about Natasha’s choice. When I was creating the metal block, I remembered that I regretted that I had once in the same way blocked the other girl mentioned earlier in the tenth grade – even if in the end those fantasies actually turned out to be comparable with the truth, since that school girl slept with a lot of guys from our class —they boasted about that. But I wanted so much to go to the USA that I could not allow the feeling of love to continue to live in me – and it immediately was gone.

Almost immediately it became clear that it was naive to think that the loss of virginity would ease my desire for sex. I wanted sex even more. “Fortunately”, I knew what to do.

This next Stalinist house in the south-west of Moscow, if I remember correctly, was near the metro, and I did not have to walk for too long.

The door of the apartment was opened by a young woman of about thirty years. She was a pretty blonde with good shapes – which compensated for the fact that she could not be the girl in the photo, because of whom I came there.

When I spoke to her, while still in the corridor, her smiling face was visited by obvious shock, if not horror. I did not understand what was happening – such things had happened before – for example, when I was with Natasha, she clearly noticed something in my face during our conversation, and then there was that strange case when I was going to Moscow by train a couple of weeks ago, and a young woman sat in front of me looking at me for a couple of moments, and then she sharply and quickly ran out of the car, turning her head to look at me when she was already at the doors. Then I thought that this was due to the fact that I was attracted to the nipples of her small breasts, which were clearly visible through her unusual white blouse with numerous small cutouts – I saw something like that worn by Abby Martin when she spoke with Peter Joseph about capitalism – but then I almost immediately stopped looking in that area and redirected my eyes to the window, only occasionally looking into the eyes of that pretty woman…

Perhaps I relaxed, and the prostitute invited me in. There were no choices this time, since she was alone.

During the break for the second time, she asked me if I could give the battery of my phone so that she could call her child from her phone of the same brand. I do not remember whether we talked about something with her or not. What I remember very well is how in the depths of my mind the thought of Natasha was trying to form, but my mental block worked so perfectly back then…

The second time, she moved as fast as during the first, which again led to my quick orgasm, despite the fact that with her, unlike with Natasha, I could hardly feel any pressure with my sex organ. At that time, sex no longer seemed nicer than masturbation, as I could barely feel anything.

I quickly washed and dressed. When I left, she politely and from a pure heart gave me advice to be more courageous, showing her small female muscles with her hands. Then it became completely incomprehensible to me – what did other people see in me?

Having returned home poorer by two thousand rubles, I decided to record myself on the camera of my phone in order to try to find the answer to my question. I was just saying out loud a sentence. When I watched that video on the computer – I was shocked! Everything fell into place – my friend who called me a moron, two statements in the military enlistment office, strange looks and whispers of my village friends, the woman running out in the train, Natasha averting her eyes and the bewilderment of the last prostitute – it all made sense now.

The reason was that because of my habit of talking to myself in my imagination – what I got used to shortly after I began to actively fantasize in the ninth grade – the muscles of my face, and the whole body, were tense, which affected the facial expressions and the general expression on my face, making them distorted – just like in that dream that I recently had.

Yes – even though I was able to completely remove all thoughts and fantasies on the day I learned the truth about stuttering – I did not notice at all how I began to smoothly misuse my imagination again almost during every second of my life… such is the strength of habits… and if in the case of alcohol and smoking you clearly see the moment when you start drinking and smoking, here things are not so obvious… but usually only when you are not completely here and now.

At that moment, when I first saw my distorted face, I seemed to think of myself with the very word that my village friend called me – and this terrified me very much, because since I was that person, I could not remain indifferent about this, as, for example, people who call others names – those who have some problems. Maybe later you will understand the possible reason why I had to go through this experience in my life.

That day, remembering absolutely clearly the consequences of my habit of talking to myself in my head, I was completely in the present with a pure consciousness and ease in the body which muscles could finally relax and rest – only the “processing” of data coming from my five senses and nothing more.

But habits would not be habits if they did not tend to return. As the days passed, the desire for sex and other thoughts returned, crowding out the memory of my recent shock and its cause.

This time I got off at the Paveletskaya metro station. When I was still working as a courier, I often went to the Paveletsky railway station to give, or receive, parcels of the company from other cities. The house I was going to was located near that station.

It was late evening. The sun had long set and it was dark. They told me to wait when I called them. I stood at the entrance for quite a long time, and all this time the thought about the correctness of my actions did not leave me. I was agitated and thought about leaving. But then I was finally invited inside, and I was told the apartment number.

Inside, I chose a girl again, who was apparently from the southern latitudes, and once again I gave two thousand rubles.