The Punster's Pocket-book

ARS PUN-ICA, SIVE FLOS LINGUARUM;

THE ART OF PUNNING,

"Ex ambiguâ dictâ vel argutissima putantur; sed non semper in joco, sæpe etiam in gravitate versantur. Ingeniosi enim videtur, vim verbi in aliud atque cæteri accipiant, posse ducere."

Your honour's character is too well known in the world to stand in need of a dedication; but I can tell you, that my fortune is not so well settled but I stand in need of a patron. And therefore, since I am to write a dedication, I must, for decency, proceed in the usual method.

First, I then proclaim to the world your high and illustrious birth: that you are, by the father's side, descended from the most ancient and celebrated family of Rome, the Cascas; by the mother's, from Earl Percy. Some indeed have been so malicious as to say, your grandmother kill'd-her-kin: but, I think if the authors of the report were found out, they ought to be hampered. I will allow that the world exclaims deservedly against your mother, because she is no friend to the bottle; otherwise they would deserve a firkin, as having no grounds for what they say. However, I do not think it can sully your fine and bright reputation; for the credit you gained at the battle of Hogshed, against the Duke of Burgundy, who felt no sham-pain, when you forced him to sink beneath your power, and gave his whole army a brush, may in time turn to your account; for, to my knowledge, it put his highness upon the fret. This indeed was no less racking to the king his master, who found himself gross-lee mistaken in catching a tartar. For the whole world allowed, that you brought him a peg lower, by giving him the parting-blow, and making all his rogues in buckram to run. Not to mention your great a-gillity, though you are past your prim-age; and may you never lack-age, with a sparkling wit, and brisk imagination! May your honour also wear long, beyond the common scantling of human life, and constantly proceed in your musical diversions of pipe and sack-but, hunting with tarriers, &c. and may your good humour in saying, "I am-phor-a-bottle," never be lost to the joy of all them that drink your wine for nothing, and especially of,

The great and singular advantages of Punning, and the lustre it gives to conversation, are commonly so little known in the world, that scarce one man of learning in fifty, to their shame be it spoken, appears to have the least tincture of it in his discourse. This I can impute to nothing but that it hath not been reduced to a science; and indeed Cicero seemed long ago to wish for it, as we may gather from his second book de Oratore1, where he has this remarkable passage: "Suavis autem est et vehementer sæpe utilis jocus et facetiæ cum ambiguitate – in quibus tu longè aliis meâ sententiâ, Cæsar, excellis: quo magìs mihi etiam testis esse potes, aut nullam esse artem salis, aut, si qua est, eam nos tu potissimum docebis." "Punning is extremely delightful, and oftentimes very profitable; in which, as far as I can judge, Cæsar, you excel all mankind; for which reason you may inform me, whether there be any art of Punning; or, if there be, I beseech you, above all things, to instruct me in it." So much was this great man affected with the art, and such a noble idea did he conceive of it, that he gave Cæsar the preference to all mankind, only on account of that accomplishment!

Let critics say what they will, I will venture to affirm, that Punning, of all arts and sciences, is the most extraordinary: for all others are circumscribed by certain bounds; but this alone is found to have no limits, because to excel therein requires a more extensive knowledge of all things. A Punner must be a man of the greatest natural abilities, and of the best accomplishments: his wit must be poignant and fruitful, his understanding clear and distinct, his imagination delicate and cheerful; he must have an extraordinary elevation of soul, far above all mean and low conceptions; and these must be sustained with a vivacity fit to express his ideas, with that grace and beauty, that strength and sweetness, which become sentiments so truly noble and sublime.

And now, lest I should be suspected of imposing upon my reader, I must entreat him to consider how high Plato has carried his sentiments of this art (and Plato is allowed by all men to have seen farther into Heaven than any Heathen either before or since). Does not he say positively, in his Cratylus, "Jocos et Dii amant," the gods themselves love Punning? which I am apt to believe from Homer's ἂσβεστος γἑλως, unextinguished laughter; because there is no other motive could cause such continued merriment among the gods.

As to the antiquity of this art, Buxtorf proves it to be very early among the Chaldeans; which any one may see at large, who will read what he says upon the word ציךז Pun, Vocula est Chaldæis familiarissima, &c. "It is a word that is most frequently in use among the Chaldeans," who were first instructed in the methods of punning by their magi, and gained such reputation, that Ptolemæus Philo-punnæus sent for six of those learned priests, to propagate their doctrine of puns in six of his principal cities; which they did with such success, that his majesty ordered, by public edict, to have a full collection of all the puns made within his dominions for three years past; and this collection filled one large apartment of his library, having this following remarkable inscription over the door:

Some authors, but upon what ground it is uncertain, will have Pan, who in the Æolic dialect is called Pun, to be the author of Puns, because, they say, Pan being the god of universal nature, and Punning free of all languages, it is highly probable that it owes its first origin, as well as name, to this god: others again attribute it to Janus, and for this reason – Janus had two faces; and of consequence they conjectured every word he spoke had a double meaning. But, however, I give little credit to these opinions, which I am apt to believe were broached in the dark and fabulous ages of the world; for I doubt, before the first Olympiad, there can be no great dependence upon profane history.

I am much more inclined to give credit to Buxtorf; nor is it improbable that Pythagoras, who spent twenty-eight years at Egypt in his studies, brought this art, together with some arcana of philosophy, into Greece; the reason for which might be, that philosophy and punning were a mutual assistance to each other: "For," says he, "puns are like so many torch-lights in the head, that give the soul a very distinct view of those images, which she before seemed to grope after as if she had been imprisoned in a dungeon." From whence he looked upon puns to be so sacred, and had such a regard to them, that he left a precept to his disciples, forbidding them to eat beans, because they were called in Greek πυννοι. "Let not," says he, "one grain of the seeds be lost; but preserve and scatter them over all Greece, that both our gardens and our fields may flourish with a vegetable, which, on account of its name, not only brings an honour to our country, but, as it disperses its effluvia in the air, may also, by a secret impulse, prepare the soul for punning, which I esteem the first and great felicity of life."

This art being so very well recommended by so great a man, it was not long before it spread through all Greece, and at last was looked upon to be such a necessary accomplishment, that no person was admitted to a feast who was not first examined, and if he were found ignorant of punning, he was dismissed with Ἑκἁς ἑϛε, βἑζηλοι, "Hence, ye profane!"

If any one doubts the truth of what I say, let him consult the apophthegms of Plutarch, who, after he had passed several encomiums upon this art, gives some account of persons eminent in it; among which (to shorten my preface) I choose one of the most illustrious examples, and will entertain the courteous reader with the following story: "King Philip had his collar-bone broken in a battle; and his physician expecting money of him every visit, the king reproved him with a pun, saying he had the key in his own hands." For the word κλἑεις, in the original, signifies both a key and a collar-bone3.

We have also several puns recorded in Diogenes Laertius's "Lives of the Philosophers;" and those made by the wisest and gravest men among them, even by Diogenes the cynick, who, although pretending to withstand the irresistible charms of punning, was cursed with the name of an abhorrer Yet, in spite of all his ill-nature and affectation (for he was a tub-preacher), he made so excellent a pun, that Scaliger said, "He would rather have been author of it, than king of Navarre." The story is as follows: Didymus (not Didymus the commentator upon Homer, but a famous rake among the ladies at Athens) having taken in hand to cure a virgin's eye that was sore, had this caution given him by Diogenes, "Take care you do not corrupt your pupil." The word κὁρα signifies both the pupil of the eye and a virgin4.

It would be endless to produce all the authorities that might be gathered, from Diodorus Siculus, Herodotus, Proconosius, Bergæus, Dionysius Halicarnassensis, Lycophron, Pindar, Apollonius, Menander, Aristophanes, Corinthus Cous, Nonnus, Demosthenes, Euripides, Thucydides, Plato, Aristotle, &c.; from every one of which I should have produced some quotations, were it not that we are so unfortunate in this kingdom not to have Greek types sufficient for such an undertaking5: for want of which, I have been put to the necessity, in the word κὁρα, of writing an alpha for an éta.

However, I believe it will not be amiss to bring some few testimonies, to show in what great esteem the art of punning was among the most refined wits at Rome, and that in the most polite ages, as will appear from the following quotations.

Quinctilian says6, "Urbanitas est virtus quædam, in breve dictum, verum sensu duplici, coacta, et apta ad delectandos homines," &c. Thus translated, "Punning is a virtue, comprised in a short expression, with a double meaning, and fitted to delight the ladies."

Lucretius also,

And elsewhere,

Thus Claudian:

And Martial:

Petronius likewise will tell you,

And Lucan:

But to come nearer home, and our own times; we know that France, in the late reign, was the seat of learning and policy; and what made it so, but the great encouragement the king gave punners above any other men: for it is too notorious, to quote any author for it, that Lewis le Grand gave a hundred pistoles for one single pun-motto, made upon an abbot, who died in a field, having a lily growing out of his a – :

Nor was his bounty less to Monsieur de Ferry de Lageltre the painter (though the pun and the picture turned against himself), who drew his majesty shooting, and at some distance from him another man aiming at the same fowl, who was withheld by a third person, pointing at the king, with these words from his mouth,

Having now, from the best authorities, plainly proved the antiquity and excellence of the art of punning, nothing remains but to give some general directions as to the manner how this science is to be taught.

1. Let the husband teach his wife to read it.

2. Let her be appointed to teach her children.

3. Let the head servant of the family instruct all the rest, and that every morning before the master and mistress are up.

4. The masters and misses are to repeat a rule every day, with the examples; and every visiting-day be brought up, to show the company what fine memories they have.

5. They must go ten times through the book, before they be allowed to aim at a pun.

6. They must every day of their lives repeat six synonymous words, or words like in sound, before they be allowed to sit down to dinner, – such as

They are all to be found in metre, most laboriously compiled by the learned author of "The English School-master," printed anno 1641, London edit. p. 52.

7. If any eldest son has not a capacity to attain to this science, let him be disinherited as non-compos, and the estate given to the next hopeful child.

There is a remarkable passage in Petronius Arbiter, which plainly proves, by a royal example, that punning was a necessary ingredient to make an entertainment agreeable. The words are these: "Ingerebat nihilominus Trimalchio lentissima voce, Carpe. Ego, suspicatus ad aliquam urbanitatem toties iteratam vocem pertinere, non erubui eum qui supra me accumbebat hoc ipsum interrogare. At ille qui sæpius ejusmodi ludos spectaverat, Vides, inquit, illum qui obsonium carpit, Carpus vocatur. Itaque quotiescunque dicit Carpe, eodem verbo et vocat et imperat." And it is further remarkable, that every day of his life he made the same pun at dinner and supper.

Lest my modesty should be called in question, for venturing to appear in print, in an age so famous for politeness and ingenuity, I think I am bound to say this in my own defence, that these few sheets were not designed to be made public, as being written for my own private use: but what will not the importunity of friends conquer? they were no sooner discovered in my study, but my merry friend George Rochfort, my learned acquaintance Patrick Delany, and my much honoured patron Jonathan Swift, all unanimously agreed, that I should do my own reputation and the world that justice, as to send "such a treasure of knowledge" (as they were pleased to express themselves) to the press. As for the work itself, I may venture to say, it is a work of time and experience, and entirely unattempted before. For which reason, I hope the candid reader will be favourable in his judgment upon it, and consider that all sciences in their infancy have been weak and feeble. The next age may supply where I have been defective; and the next perhaps may produce a Sir Isaac in punning. We know that logicians first spun out reason in categories, predicaments, and enunciations; and at last they came to wind up their bottoms in syllogisms, which is the completing of that science.

The Chaldeans began the mathematics, in which the Egyptians flourished. Then these, crossing the sea by the means of Thales the Milesian, came into Greece, where they were improved very much by Pythagoras, Anaxagoras, and Œnopides of Chios. These were followed by Briso, Antipho, Hippocrates, &c. But the excellence of the algebraic art was begun by Geber, an Arabian astronomer (whence as is conceived the word algebra took its rise), and was much since improved by Cardanus, Tartaglia, Clavius, Stevinus, Ghetaldus, Herigenius, Fran. Van Schooten, Florida de Beaune, &c.

But to return to the Art of Punning again; the progress and improvement of which, I hope, will be equal to the sciences I have mentioned; or to any superior to them, if there be such: reader, I must trespass a little longer on your patience, and tell you an old maxim, Bonum quo communius, eo melius, "Good, the more common, the better it is." You see, I have in imitation of the industrious bee gathered my honey from various flowers; but yet I cannot say, without some diminution and loss to the persons from whom I have taken the examples to my rules, who are likely never to use their puns again.

And here to avoid the imputation of ingratitude, I must declare to the world, that my worthy friend Dr. R – , who is singularly remarkable for his unparalleled skill in punning, and a most industrious promoter of it, has been a very great instrument in bringing this work to light, as well by animating me to proceed in it, as by endeavouring to procure a good letter for the impression.

The favourable acceptance that my puns have met with in some private companies, makes me flatter myself, that my labours therein will be candidly accepted, as they have been cordially intended to serve my native country.

From my Study, up one Pair of

Stairs, ill-contrived Streetwards,

August 9th, 1719.

"Punnata dicuntur, id ipsum, quod sunt, aliorum esse dicuntur, aut alio quovis modo ad aliud referuntur."

Puns, in their very nature and constitution, have a relation to something else; or, if they have not, any other reason why will serve as well.

The Physical Definition of Punning, according to Cardan.

Punning is an art of harmonious jingling upon words, which, passing in at the ears, and falling upon the diaphragma, excites a titillary motion in those parts; and this being conveyed by the animal spirits into the muscles of the face, raises the cockles of the heart.

The Moral Definition of Punning.

Punning is a virtue that most effectually promotes the end of good fellowship, which is laughing.

N.B. I design to make the most celebrated punners in these kingdoms examples to the following rules.

Rule 1. The capital Rule. He that puns, must have a head for it; that is, he must be a man of letters, of a sprightly and fine imagination, whatever men may think of his judgment; like Dr. Swift9, who said, when a lady threw down a Cremona-fiddle with a frisk of her mantua,

Or if you would have a more obvious reason, St. Dennis never made a pun after his head was cut off. Vid. Popish Legend, tom. lxxviii. p. 15,000.

R. 2. The rule of Forehead. He must have good assurance, like my Lord B – , who puns in all companies.

R. 3. The Brazen Rule. He must have better assurance, like Brigadier C – , who said, 'That, as he was passing through a street, he made to a country fellow who had a hare swinging on a stick over his shoulder, and, giving it a shake, asked him whether it was his own hair, or a perriwig?' whereas it is a notorious Oxford jest.

R. 4. The Rule of Impudence. He must have the best assurance, like Dr. D – , who, although I had in three fair combats worsted him, yet had the impudence to challenge me a fourth time.

R. 5. Any person may pun upon another man's puns about half an hour after he has made them; as Dr. E – and Mr. F – frequently do.

I remember one day I was in company with them, and upon Major G – saying, 'That he would leave me the gout for a legacy,' I made answer, and told the company,' I should be sorry to have such a leg as he.' They both snapped it up in their turns, and had as much applause for the pun as I had.

R. 6. The Rule of Pun upon Pun. All puns made upon the word pun are to be esteemed as so much old gold. Ex. gr. suppose two famous punsters should contend for the superiority, and a man should wittily say, 'That is a Carthaginian war:'

Q. How, sir?

A. Why, sir, it is a Pun-ick war.

R. 7. The Socratic Rule is, to instruct others by way of question and answer.

Q. Who was the first drawer?

A. Potiphar.

Q. Which is the seat of the spleen?

A. The hips.

Q. Who were the first bakers?

A. The Crustumenians. (Masters of the Rolls, quoth Capt. Wolseley).

Q. Where did the first hermaphrodites come from?

A. Middle-sex.

Q. What part of England has the most dogs?

A. Bark-shire.

Q. From whence come the first tumblers?

A. From Somerset.

Q. Who were the first mortgagers of land?

A. The people of Cumber-land.

Q. What men in the world are the best soldiers?

A. Your red-haired men, because they always carry their fire-locks upon their shoulders.

Q. Why should a man in debt be called a diver?

A. Because he has dipped over head and ears.

Q. Why are ladies of late years well qualified for hunting?

A. Because they come with a hoop and a hollow.

Q. Why are the Presbyterians, Independents, &c. said to be vermin?

A. Because they are in-sects.

Q. Where were the first breeches made?

A. At Thy-atira.

Q. Who were the first gold-finders?

A. The Turditani.

Q. What part of the world is best to feed dogs in?

A. Lap-land.

Q. What prince in the world should have a boar for his arms?

A. The duke of Tusk-any.

Q. Where do the best corn-cutters live?

A. At Leg-horn.

Q. Why are horses with grease in their heels the best racers?

A. Because their heels are given to running.

Q. What is the reason that rats and mice are so much afraid of base violins and fiddles?

A. Because they are strung with cat-gut.

Q. If a lawyer is a whig, and pretends to be a Tory, or vice versa, why should his gown be stripped off?

A. Because he is guilty of sham-party.

Q. How many animals are concerned in the formation of the English tongue?

A. According to Buck-anan, a great number; viz. cat-egorical, dog-matical, crow-nological, flea-botomy, fish-ognomy, squirril-ity, rat-ification, mouse-olæum, pus-illanimity, hare-editary, ass-tronomy, jay-ography, stag-yrite, duck-tility.

Q. Where were the first hams made?

A. They were made in the temple of Jupiter Hammon, by the Hamadryades; one of them (if we may depend upon Baker's Chronicle) was sent as a present to a gentleman in Ham-shire, of the family of the Ham-iltons, who immediately sent it to Ham-ton-court, where it was hung up by a string in the hall, by way of rarity, whence we have the English phrase ham-strung.

R. 8. The Rule of Interruption. Although the company be engaged in a discourse of the most serious consequence, it is and may be lawful to interrupt them with a pun. Ex. gr. suppose them poring over a problem in mathematics, you may, without offence, ask them 'How go squares with them?' You may say too, 'That, being too intent upon those figures, they are become cycloeid, i. e. sickly-eyed; for which they are a pack of loga-rithms, i. e. loggerheads.' Vide R. 34.