The Illustrated Self-Care Bible

Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.

Kahlil Gibran

BREAKING THE INSOMNIA HABIT

Human beings are odd creatures: most of us like to think we are independent, free-thinking spirits. Yet a surprising amount of our behaviour is totally conditioned, starting when we are very young. Much of our conditioning is helpful and life-supporting: it would be very inconvenient if every time you crossed a road you had to relearn the desirability of looking both ways, or what red, yellow, and green lights mean. Unfortunately, the mechanical part of our brain absorbs other, less helpful lessons, such as associating bed with lying awake.

It’s common these days for the brain to be likened to a computer—a computer more vast and complex than any yet built, and of course with a capacity for original thought, but nonetheless a machine which obediently reproduces whatever programming is fed into it.

SELF-TALK

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The best way to break unhelpful habits is to start exchanging them for helpful ones. The first thing is to recognize in what particular ways your habitual thinking or behaviour is keeping you in that sleepless groove. How do you talk to yourself and others about sleep? If you label yourself “insomniac” and tell yourself every time you head for bed that it’ll take you ages to get to sleep, you are simply reinforcing the programming that keeps you awake. You can change some of that thinking now, by telling yourself that you are now on the way to improving your sleep, and by no longer telling other people that you suffer from insomnia.

Be honest with yourself about this. Lots of people “enjoy” their ailments. In some cases this can be an excuse for avoiding things they don’t want to do, or even living a more fulfilled life. I would stress that this kind of pattern is very rarely deliberate: it’s often another conditioned response, perhaps going back to a time when being ill got a child more of its mother’s love and attention than when they were was well. Never sleeping well may prevent people like this from facing up to other problems, or taking on new ventures which would mean change. That doesn’t mean they are purposefully choosing not to sleep, but it’s possible that lack of sleep has secondary advantages, such as making their families feel sorry for them.

Could this apply to you? And if it does, do you really want to be someone others feel sorry for? Close your eyes and imagine for a moment telling your spouse or workmates, “I slept wonderfully last night!” How does it feel? Probably uncomfortable at this moment, because it isn’t true. How comfortable would it feel if it were true?

Start noticing your habitual thoughts about insomnia. In particular, look out for sentences beginning “I always …” or “I never …” or “I know …” For example: “I always take hours to get to sleep” or “I always wake up for hours in the middle of the night.” These statements may not actually be true, although they feel true to you. As we’ve seen, most insomniacs overestimate how long they take to get to sleep or lie awake during the night. You could make a start by recognizing that your perception of the amount of sleep you get may be inaccurate.

“I’m never going to get to sleep tonight” is another habitual statement which is an excellent way of programming your brain to stay awake.

“I know I’ll feel dreadful if I can’t get to sleep.” Of course, lack of sleep makes you tired, but you can also talk yourself into feeling worse. There are alternatives, such as telling yourself that even though you’d like more sleep, your body is still getting all the rest it needs.

Make a game of catching these kinds of thoughts. It may help you to write them down. Then try replacing your negative statements with positive ones; a good start might be: “I’m now learning how to sleep better.” Make your positive statements ones you can believe. Telling yourself “I am going to sleep perfectly tonight” may not work, because at this point you probably won’t believe it, and trying to convince yourself will set up further tension. But you could try: “I will take tonight as it comes.” You may be surprised by the results.

Starting to change your self-talk can be a way of opening up other possibilities. Once you realize that you don’t have to be a victim of your own thinking and reactions, all kinds of barriers can begin to crumble.

CHANGING THE PATTERN

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A popular way of treating insomnia today is a behavioral psychology method called stimulus-control, which consists of retraining yourself to sleep by learning to associate bed and bedtime with sleep, and sleep alone. This is the routine:

1. Use your bed and bedroom for sleep only. Don’t watch television, listen to the radio, read, work, smoke, scroll social media, surf the internet or eat in bed. Making love is permitted, and can actually help you sleep.

2. Always get up at the same time, including weekends and vacations. Lie-ins may be tempting, but if you take more sleep than you need on Sunday morning it’ll be harder to get to sleep on Sunday night. If you find waking up really difficult, place your alarm clock at the other side of the room so that you have to get up to turn it off. Put the light on straight away, as light can stimulate wakefulness.

3. Don’t take naps during the day. You can overcome post-lunch sleepiness with some deep breathing, or a quick walk round the block.

4. Don’t go to bed until you are really sleepy.

5. If you don’t fall asleep within 10 minutes, get up and do something else in another room. Don’t go back to bed until you are ready to fall asleep.

A crucial part of tackling insomnia is mind over matter––tell yourself that you are in control of your sleep.

There are further sleep-assisting habits you can develop:

1. Deal with specific anxieties during the day or early evening.

2. Avoid stimulating foods and drinks in the evening. These include coffee, tea, and alcohol. Smoking is also a stimulant; if you can’t give it up immediately, at least cut down, especially in the evening.

3. Avoid stimulating activities late at night, including strenuous exercise, work and arguments.

4. Establish a winding-down routine before you go to bed. Spend the last hour before bedtime preparing for sleep, including some relaxation and a warm bath.

5. Make sure your bedroom is both well-aired and of a comfortable temperature.

SELF-HYPNOSIS AND VISUALIZATION

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The imagination can have a direct effect on the body, for good or ill. When you imagine or remember a disaster, your pulse can start racing and your breathing can become more shallow, as the body’s stress system starts revving up. It doesn’t matter that the disaster isn’t real: your body and nervous system react as though it is. Similarly, when you imagine yourself healthy and happy, your body starts to feel healthier and stronger.

In a relaxed, day-dreaming state, you can mentally picture the outcome that you want, whether it’s better sleep, or confidently taking and passing your driving test. It’s important to believe and expect that what you visualize will come about. In so doing, you are using an in-depth way of reprogramming your mental computer.

Visualization techniques may not be right for everyone: if you are an anxious striver, you may put too much effort into what should be effortless, or make yourself worse by focusing on symptoms rather than health. But even if you don’t use specific techniques, you are using the power of thought and imagination throughout the day, both mentally and verbally. All the more reason to exchange depressing thoughts about your life and your sleep for positive ideas about what you really want.

For successful self-hypnosis, the first, essential step is to be able to relax deeply. If you are normally tense, you may need some help in learning to relax sufficiently. (See “Healing the Mind,” pages 210–251.) Some people have successfully taught themselves to visualize from books; there are also some good downloads on the market which can start you off, though it’s not a good idea to rely on them for the rest of your life. For most people it’s easier initially to be taught by someone else.

THE CHURNING MIND

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Probably the most common complaint among poor sleepers is difficulty in getting off to sleep. It’s almost always related to a mind that won’t switch itself off. Your thoughts go round and round, you toss and turn, and an hour later you’re tired, twitchy, and wide awake.

The churning mind may be caused by anxiety about something specific—an exam, a job interview, a work project, a partner’s illness, or the state of your finances.

Possibly even more often it is caused by resentment or anger, brooding over unpleasant events, sometimes from the recent past, sometimes from way back. You relive the scenes, inventing scenarios in which you find just the right words to put down that person who insulted you yesterday, or even years ago. Or you may be feeling depressed and lonely, wishing your life were different, blaming yourself or others because it isn’t, and replaying past regrets, missed opportunities, or lost happiness.

A great deal of night-time churning is connected with unfinished business, something that computer in your head can’t stand. It chugs away looking for solutions, and won’t shut up. Or it allows you to get to sleep, and then wakes you up with a bad dream to remind you of a problem, or to tell you, “Hey, we really must do some worrying about this!”

One of the most common causes of disrupted sleep is a busy and churning mind.

Regularly waking with nightmares or bad dreams can make you anxious about going to bed in the first place: usually these, too, concern unfinished business. Night terrors—suddenly waking from non-dreaming sleep with a sense of fear and doom—are often the result of past traumas. Recurring dreams, too, may stem from traumatic past events—car crashes, an abusive partner, or an assault—which the conscious mind has tried to forget.

But the unconscious mind is still trying to cope with these traumas in the only way it knows how. In such cases it is important to seek professional help from a counselor, psychotherapist, or hypnotherapist who can help you to heal your fears, so that they no longer fester and cause you misery. Some people aren’t particularly worried about anything, but just have very active minds. Many of them accept this, often creative people who come up with creative ideas as they lie awake. But if your thoughts are unpleasant, sad, or anxious, they are crying out to be dealt with. Bed is not the place to deal with them.

WHO’S IN THE DRIVING SEAT?

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Rushing round all day and going to bed with a mind that’s exhausted but awake is all too common these days. Modern life doesn’t encourage natural rhythms. We start work at the same time all year round, whether it’s dark or light; commuter travel is uncomfortable and frustrating. Office atmospheres are often unhealthy as well as fraught: lunch may be a snatched sandwich or hamburger. For many people “relaxation” takes place in the artificial atmosphere and noise of bars and clubs.

Small wonder that rushers-round can’t sleep. The whole physical and nervous system becomes jangled and out of gear. There is no breathing space to look at problems—or just to breathe! Body and mind are poorly nourished. And underlying this frantic rush, an anxious little voice is often sending anxious little messages that we don’t want to hear—“Am I good enough?”—“Is this all there is to life?”—“Why aren’t I happy?”

If your life is anything like this, and it has resulted in insomnia, ask yourself what you are truly getting out of it. OK, so modern life is like that. But does that mean yours has to be? What or who is driving you to overwork, eat badly, maybe drink too much, or work until all hours so that by bedtime your brain is buzzing?

Listen to your thoughts and worries and be kind to yourself to alleviate sleep-robbing stress.

Much of our busy-busy behaviour is due to conditioning by other people, and our beliefs about how life should be lived may be nothing to do with what we really need. The work ethic says we mustn’t waste a moment; societal standards say we must have a “good time” and be successful. We must also be seen to be successful by buying and owning more and more goodies for ourselves and our families; to keep the merry-go-round turning we have to work even harder. Yet when you were a child, was this what you wanted from life? Who programmed your computer?

Our beliefs come from a number of different sources, which is why they often conflict. Some psychotherapists point out that we all have multiple personalities, often referred to as sub-personalities or “voices.” For example, most people have an inner critic sitting in judgement on their every action; at the same time there’s an inner child, made to feel small by the critic’s remarks. Many of us have an inner saboteur, doing its best to make us make a mess of things. But there are other parts of us which often don’t get addressed—for example, a wise self, a peaceful self, and a creative child who wants to play.

So, try listening to the thoughts and voices underlying your daily rush. Who’s driving you on? Are you responding to other people’s programming—perhaps a critical father demanding that you prove your worth, or a perfectionist mother setting you impossibly high standards? Do you have to believe those voices from the past? What does the real you need and want from life, and are you getting it?

We are all influenced by the people around us; but take stock and consider, is this what I want from life?

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