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Quite simply, she had to sleep and had learnt long ago that sometimes you simply had to turn off fear and panic and just close your eyes for a little while.
But her hands were shaking as she poured a glass of milk.
Nina wandered through her apartment, hoping it would soothe her.
She had just moved in and it was everything to her. She’d fought for eight years to have this, a proper home where finally they could be a family.
She went first to Blake’s room, looked at the mountain of boxes that would hopefully soon transform into a bed and bedside table and a chest of drawers, but so far the fairies hadn’t been in to build them. She’d hopefully do that tomorrow night, or at the latest by Blake’s access visit next weekend.
Then she moved to what would hopefully soon be Janey’s bedroom, but instead of feeling soothed her chest tightened in fear when she thought about her sister.
Janey, even before their parents’ death, had been a wilful, difficult child, but now at fifteen she was going spectacularly off the rails, and Nina was absolutely petrified for her younger sister.
She wanted Janey close and just hoped and prayed that the case meeting to be held in a few weeks would finally deem her a suitable guardian.
Nina had been seventeen when her parents had been killed in a horrific car crash. She had been considered old enough to look after herself, but too young to care for a one- and a seven-year-old and, she now conceded, the department had probably been right.
For two years she had been as difficult and as wild as Janey was now—worse, in fact. Devastated by the loss, not just of her parents but of her brother and sister too, Nina had been unable to keep up with the rent. She had lost her home and had spent a couple of years surfing friends’ couches until finally she had found the pro bono centre, which had, quite simply, turned her life around. The people there had counselled her, offered support, both practical and financial, and she had commenced her studies at the age of nineteen and had qualified as a social worker at twenty-three.
But a junior social worker’s wage had only allowed for a small one-bedroomed apartment and so she had still been unable to provide a proper home for her brother and sister, having to make do with just access visits and respite care.
Determined that they would be together Nina had scrimped and saved for the past two years, had gone without luxuries and every pay rise had gone towards her savings until finally she had found a three-bedroomed flat she could afford. Now, at the age of twenty-five, she was hoping that, after all these years, the Wilson siblings could be a real family.
But then she’d gone and lost her head with the Head of Paediatrics.
Nina tried to sleep.
Told herself that Jack wasn’t going to have her fired—he’d been inappropriate too.
Terribly so.
She lay there in bed and thought of his words, startled that just the repetition of them could have her body aflame.
Nina turned over, screwed her eyes closed and did her best not to think about him. She could not think about Jack like that—except she was.
Her own thoughts startled her. She had never been in a relationship, didn’t know how to handle men unless she was dealing with them professionally.
She wasn’t thinking professionally about Jack now.
And she hated sex, Nina reminded herself, except she was thinking the sexiest thoughts now, and she moaned out his name. For a breathless moment she lay there, embarrassed and mortified for different reasons now at the thought that tomorrow she might have to face him.
CHAPTER FIVE
IT ACTUALLY WASN’T an issue.
When Nina walked into ICU to check on Tommy, the sight of Mike’s grief-stricken face was the only thing that consumed her and she barely noticed Jack speaking with Alex.
But Jack noticed her.
She was wearing a black skirt with a jade top and stockings and flat ankle boots today. She was far paler than yesterday and there were dark rings under her eyes, but even running on fatigue she was a ball of energy.
‘How is he?’
Mike shrugged helplessly. ‘He’s just had some more tests and they’re arranging a biopsy. They want to keep him on the ventilator for a few days …’ He looked up at Nina. ‘I’m so sorry for yesterday.’
‘Let’s deal with that another time,’ Nina said.
‘I think I was starting to realise that there was something really wrong with him … I just didn’t want to know.’
‘Mike, we’ll go over all of that later. I’ve arranged a case meeting for tomorrow morning and we’ll look at the supervised access order then, but right now let’s just concentrate on Tommy.’ Jack noted that she didn’t ignore the issue of his outburst, there were just more important things to address right now. ‘Have you rung your sister?’ Nina asked. ‘The one in Texas?’
Mike nodded. ‘She’s sorting out her children and flying out as soon as she can.’
‘That’s good.’
Jack had never been a particular fan of the social work department. Oh, he knew that they did a good job, but more often than not he found himself in contention with them. But today he saw that the holistic approach that had irked him so much was vital now.
Mike had no one, had lost his wife, his career and could possibly now lose his son, and he saw just how necessary it was that someone knew that there was a sister in Texas, that there was someone who knew that yesterday had been out of character for him.
He saw how important it was that when Mike was too emotionally distraught to speak that he had a voice, and in this case it came from Nina. He watched as her eyes skimmed past his face and landed on Alex’s. ‘If I liaise with your secretary, would you be able to attend a case meeting tomorrow?’
‘We won’t know much more by tomorrow,’ Alex said.
‘Sure, but I want to sort out the order and bring everyone up to speed,’ Nina said.
Alex nodded and got back to the scan he was reviewing, but as Nina walked off Jack halted her.
‘I’ll catch up with you later, Nina.’
‘Sorry?’ She turned and frowned. ‘You don’t need to be at the case meeting, it was the locum registrar who ordered the child abuse screen.’
‘I’m aware of that,’ Jack said. ‘But I need to be brought up to speed on a few separate issues that arose last night.’
‘Sure.’
Damn.
She had wondered how he would handle things—a letter from Admin perhaps, an internal email asking her to attend HR, or, and she’d rather hoped for this one, that her outburst would simply be ignored. Nina really couldn’t believe she had spoken to anyone like that, let alone the Head of Paediatrics, Jack Carter himself! She had been completely unprofessional because, Nina knew, her feelings for Jack were completely unprofessional.
Of all the people to have a crush on …
How was it possible to be so attracted to someone that you actually didn’t like?
It was a question that she couldn’t answer and by three p.m., when her intercom buzzed and she was told Jack Carter was there to see her, Nina was actually relieved that soon things would be sorted out.
She just wanted this over with. ‘Send him in.’
Nina took a deep breath, wondering if she should stand to greet him, if she should just apologise outright and explain how tired and emotional she had been yesterday.
She didn’t get a chance to do either. The door knocked and as soon as she called for him to come in, he did so.
‘You wanted to screw me?’
She had never considered that he might make her laugh, that he might have her smiling with his reference to her parting words last night.
‘It’s a figure of speech.’
‘Oh!’ He feigned disappointment. ‘I shaved and everything. I even wore my best tie.’
He certainly had shaved, she’d noticed that this morning.
And, Nina reluctantly noted, he smelt fantastic.
He looked fantastic.
Jack would have had as little sleep last night as she’d had, yet there wasn’t even a hint of weariness about him. Mind you, from what she had heard about him, Jack Carter was more than used to operating on minimal sleep. As well as his phenomenally busy job, his social life was daunting. If you lived in New York, you knew all about the Carters. They were glamorous, rich and had the social life to prove it. Jack was a regular feature in the social pages, a different woman on his arm each time, and more often than not witty little pieces written about the latest woman he had left in tears.
Nina didn’t need to see it in magazines, there were many of his conquests dotted around the hospital, and the last thing she intended to be was another.
‘I’d like to apologise for last night.’ Nina wasn’t as immediate in her apology as she had intended to be, but the fact that he had made her laugh a little made the words more genuine and a little easier to say. ‘It came at the end of a very long day.’
‘I understand that.’ And if she had any hope that things would be left there, that her apology might suffice, then it was a very fleeting hope, because Jack was pulling up a chair. ‘However, it does need to be addressed.’
‘Really, it doesn’t.’
‘Really, it does.’ He mimicked her voice and then he was serious. ‘I’d like to offer an apology of my own—I shouldn’t have told you that Tommy had a brain lesion the way that I did. I thought you would want to know before you went home last night.’
She was somewhat taken aback by his apology. ‘How is he doing this afternoon?’
‘He’s still intubated and his father is with him. Alex is hoping the medication will start to really kick in and that his cerebral irritation will abate over the next forty-eight hours and then he can be extubated. They’ve taken a biopsy of the lesion.’
‘Is it serious?’
‘It’s too early to say, though I would think that it is. Given the prolonged nature of his seizure, it sounds as if he’s been having them for the last couple of weeks—that would explain the bruising and bedwetting. Still, the father has been negligent by not getting the cut and the bruises examined.’
‘He was scared.’
‘I’m aware of that, but his delay in seeking treatment for his son …’ Jack didn’t want to argue the point. ‘But, yes, I accept that he was scared.’
‘Well.’ Nina gave him a brief smile. ‘Thank you for stopping by and, again, I apologise for last night.’ She stood, but Jack didn’t.
‘I haven’t finished yet.’
‘I’ve actually got quite a full workload …’ Nina attempted, but could have kicked herself. He was Head of Paediatrics after all, and his diary would be full to bursting.
‘Don’t we all? But we’re going to make some time to sit down and talk about Baby Tanner.’
‘I’d rather not.’
‘I didn’t offer an option,’ Jack said. ‘And, yes, I’d love a coffee, thank you for offering.’
Reluctantly Nina headed over to her percolator. ‘Cream and one sugar,’ he called, and when she’d made him his drink and sat down, Jack immediately opened the conversation. ‘I’ve had a look through the notes and it would seem I made a recommendation for Baby Tanner to be placed in foster-care.’
‘You did.’
‘But the social work department felt that the mother was doing well and with suitable provisions in place …’ He gave her a wry smile. ‘Does that sound familiar?’
‘You don’t remember him, do you?’
‘A little bit, now that I’ve looked him up. What I don’t understand is why you think that I’m supposed to remember him, why you’re so upset.’
‘I’m not.’
‘I’d suggest you are.’ Jack sat back in the chair, took a sip of his coffee as if he had all the time in the world. ‘Last night it was clear that you’re still furious about it, to the point where you were shouting in the hospital car park at the Head of Paediatrics, “Screw you!”‘
‘I’ve apologised for that.’
‘And I’ve accepted your apology. I’m not here to discipline anyone. I’m simply here to find out why you are so upset with me about Baby Tanner.’
‘It was what you said when he was readmitted …’ Nina shook her head, because that wasn’t quite right. ‘Or rather it was the look you gave.’
‘The look?’
‘The I told you so look.’
‘I don’t think so.’ Jack shook his head.
‘I remember it very well,’ Nina said, and took a sip of her own coffee.
‘Was it this one?’
She looked over and almost choked on her mouthful of coffee.
Jack Carter was smiling at her and it was a smile she had never seen. He was looking straight into her eyes and his smile was wicked, triumphant. He held that smile till her face was burning, till she had forced herself to swallow the coffee she held in her mouth, till she remembered again to breathe, because for a moment there she had felt as if she were lying under him, felt as she’d just found out what it was like to be made love to by him.
‘That’s my I told you so look,’ Jack said, and then his face changed. His expression became serious, his jaw tense, his eyes the same they had been the night Baby Tanner had been brought in.
‘What you saw was my I hate this job sometimes, why do people have children if they don’t want them, what the hell is wrong with the world that someone can do this to an eight-week-old look …’
‘Oh.’
‘They’re two very different things and not for a minute was I blaming you for what had happened to Baby Tanner.’
‘Okay.’
‘And it was the same look I gave you yesterday when you walked in and saw Tommy covered in bruises. Why would you think I blamed you?’
‘People often do,’ Nina answered tartly.
‘Well, I don’t,’ Jack said. ‘And I want to make that clear. There’s no simple answer in a lot of these cases …’ He would have spoken on but at that moment there was the sound of a commotion outside. The office door opened and Nina heard the receptionist shouting that Nina had someone in with her and that she simply couldn’t go in—not that is made the slightest difference.
‘Janey!’ Nina stood. ‘You can’t just barge in here …’
‘You said I could come by any time.’
Jack looked at the angry teenager who had just burst into the office, heard the challenge in her words, saw the anger in her stance, and decided the social work department really was the hidden front line of Angel’s.
‘I need some money,’ Janey said. ‘I haven’t got any to ride the subway, and I’m hungry.’
‘Wait outside and I will speak with you when I’m finished here.’
‘I’m not waiting! Are you going to give me money or not?’
Jack frowned as Nina reached for her bag. ‘Hold on a moment.’ What on earth was she doing, giving this young woman money?
‘Leave it, Jack.’
For a moment he did.
He watched as Nina handed over a few dollars, heard her tell Janey to be careful and that she would ring her later tonight. Then Nina asked her who she was with, where she was going, but all Janey had been interested in had been getting some money and, almost as soon as she had arrived, she left.
‘I know I have absolutely no idea about the inner workings of the social work department,’ Jack started, ‘but I do not like the idea of angry, clearly troubled teenagers feeling they can just storm in here and demand—’
‘She isn’t a client,’ Nina interrupted him. She sat back down at her desk and tried to keep her voice matter-of-fact as she explained to Jack what had just happened. ‘Janey is my sister.’
‘Your sister? So why is she …?’ He never finished the question, realising even as he started to speak that it was none of his business anyway. Though that wasn’t the reason that Jack stopped talking. It was because Nina had put her head in her hands and promptly burst into tears.
It wasn’t a little weep either.
In that moment everything Nina was struggling with chose to finally catch up with her and she sobbed for more than a minute before attempting to pull herself together. When she did she was mortified that it was Jack who was there to witness her meltdown.
For weeks things had been building up. Janey’s behaviour was getting worse and, given her job, Nina knew more than most that Janey was heading rapidly in the wrong direction, yet felt powerless to do anything.
‘Please.’ There were always tissues on her desk, usually for the clients, but Nina peeled off a generous handful and blew her nose. She couldn’t bring herself to look at Jack. ‘Can you leave?’
He just sat there.
‘I don’t want to discuss this.’
‘Sorry, but you’re going to.’ Jack stood. ‘But first I suggest—in fact, I insist—that you go home and get some sleep.’
‘I can’t go home.’ Nina shook her head. ‘It’s impossible, I’ve got appointments, I need to—’
‘You need to go home.’
And she gave in then as she truly was beyond exhausted. She had spent the weekend moving into her apartment, as well as arguing with Janey, as well as working at the pro bono centre in Harlem till late on Sunday, and yesterday had been impossibly long …
‘Fine.’
‘I’ll drive you.’
‘I can take the subway.’
‘No.’
‘I’ll take a taxi.’
‘I’m not going through this again,’ Jack said. ‘I’m not on call so I’m giving you a lift and this time you’re not going to argue.’ He rang down to Switchboard, told them he was out of range for the next forty minutes or so and then walked her out to his parking spot.
She could have taken a taxi, Jack knew that. He really didn’t know why he was so insistent on driving her home himself. Rarely did tears move him and exhaustion was frequent in this place.
It was the complexity of her that had him unusually intrigued.
The traffic was busy but Jack negotiated it easily and Nina was actually relieved for the lift, for the silence and warm comfort of his car, and grateful too that he didn’t ask any questions.
‘Just here,’ she told him as they neared her apartment.
‘I’ll just park.’
‘Just drop me here.’ Nina was irritated. ‘I really don’t need to be seen to the door.’
‘I’m a gentleman.’
Not from what she’d heard!
A delivery van moved off and Jack dived into the vacant space. Then he walked around the car and as she opened her door he held it for her, before locking the vehicle and walking beside her along the cold pavement.
‘You’re right,’ Nina said as they climbed the stairs. ‘I need to be home.’
‘Go to bed,’ Jack said. ‘And I’ll pick you up at eight, take you out for dinner.’
‘I don’t want dinner.’
‘You don’t eat?’
‘I meant—’
‘I know what you meant, but I’m not listening. I’m taking you out for dinner.’
‘Because?’
‘Because by eight o’clock. we’ll both be hungry and,’
Jack added, ‘we never did get to finish our conversation.’
It was just dinner, Nina told herself as Jack walked off, just dinner between two colleagues who had a few things that needed to be sorted out.
The stupid thing was she almost convinced herself that she meant it.
CHAPTER SIX
A GOOD SLEEP and a lot of talking to herself later, Nina sat opposite him.
He’d chosen the restaurant without consulting her, of course, and it was a really nice one. She knew that even before they were inside because someone opened the car door for her and then took Jack’s car to be parked.
It was nothing Nina was used to and nothing she secretly coveted but, despite her values, despite everything she believed in, it was actually incredible to be taken somewhere so nice and, Nina reluctantly conceded as she glanced over at Jack, to be there with him.
He took a sip of the wine he had chosen and ordered after she had asked for a glass of house white and she smarted a bit at that—clearly he thought he knew better. Well, he did know better, Nina conceded as she took a sip too because it was fruity and light and probably fifty times more expensive than the one she would have chosen. But just as she almost started to relax, to believe that they were here to talk about work, Jack asked a very personal question. ‘What’s going on with your sister?’
‘Why would I discuss that with you?’
‘Because I happen to know a lot about teenagers.’
‘I know quite a bit myself.’
‘So you’re dealing with this objectively, are you?’ Jack checked. ‘You’re able to treat Janey as if she’s a client at work.’ He watched her tense swallow and conceded a brief pause. ‘Let’s order, and if you choose an omelette or a salad I’m going to override you and get the most expensive thing on the menu just to annoy you.’
‘Well, can you get the most expensive vegetarian thing on the menu please?’ She looked through the menu and … To hell with it, she was out with Jack Carter so she chose what she wanted—a tomato salad for a starter and then mushroom and goat cheese ravioli with saffron cream for the main course.
And, yes, maybe she could use a brain like his if it would help with her sister—she simply couldn’t take the emotion out of the equation.
Jack could do it without blinking.
‘My sister, Janey, is fifteen and my brother, Blake, is nine. They’re both in foster-care—separate foster-homes …’
‘So when you say that foster-care is no fairy-tale solution, you’re not speaking just professionally?’
‘No. Blake has been very lucky for the most part, but in the last year his placement hasn’t been going so well. The couple he’s with are getting old and their daughter has just returned from overseas with her children and I think they’d rather be spending time with them than Blake. He doesn’t say much to me about it, I have him every alternate weekend, but I think he’s spending an awful lot of time alone in his room.’
‘And Janey?’
‘Janey hasn’t fared so well in the system. She was moved around a lot, but she’s been with a woman, Barbara, for the last four years. In the last few months … I think Barbara’s had about enough. Janey’s skipping school, arguing, just delinquent behaviour …’
‘What happened to your parents?’
‘They died when I was seventeen,’ Nina explained. ‘I tried to get custody but …’ She shook her head.
‘Too young.’
‘Yes,’ Nina said, ‘but it was a bit more than that. I was very angry at my parents for dying. I was a lot like Janey is now. I lost my temper with the social workers on more than one occasion.’ It helped that he smiled a little as she told him, because the guilt of her handling of things back then still ate away at her to this day. ‘So I managed to stuff everything up …’
‘You were seventeen,’ Jack pointed out. ‘Do you really think you could have taken care of them?’
‘No,’ Nina admitted. ‘But it just hurt so much that we were separated. My parents weren’t well off, there was no insurance, no savings, nothing. I know the department was right to place them, but that was then and this is now. I’ve just moved into a three-bedroomed apartment and I’m about to go again and try for custody.’
‘Without losing your temper this time?’
‘Yes,’ Nina said.
‘Without getting all fired up.’
‘Yes.’ And this time she smiled.
‘You’re going to go in there being cool and the amazing professional that you are.’
‘Thanks.’ She looked over at him. ‘It’s hard enough to be dispassionate when you’re fighting for a client, but when it’s family, well, you can imagine what that’s like …’
Actually, Jack couldn’t, but he chose not to say anything, just let Nina continue to talk. ‘I thought there would be no problem, but Janey ran a way a few weeks ago, and when she turned up on my doorstep I didn’t let Barbara or the case worker know where she was. I know I should have rung straight away, I know I was wrong, but I just wanted some time to get to the bottom of what was going on before they took her back. Then the duty social worker turned up at my door and, of course, there she was.’
‘Another black mark against Nina.’
‘I just want my family together.’