Her Rebel Heart

She dreaded doing so.

Some of them, like her closest friend Sally Hastings, would understand. Her brother Stephen had left for Virginia the same time Edward did. Sally had even at one time had eyes for Edward. The woman could sympathize with Julia’s pain.

Prissy, opinionated, Rebekah Van der Geld would not. Rebekah had recently expressed disdain for the growing secessionist movement.

“It is treason,” she’d said flatly, “and anyone who fights for the Confederacy deserves to be hanged.”

Julia sighed. She had once considered Rebekah a friend but did not any longer. She wondered how the girl continued to come to their group when she clearly held such an opposing view.

Why must politics invade every aspect of life? Why can’t we just go on living?

Her mother spoke. “I talked with Sally briefly yesterday at church. She told me she was hoping you would come today. I think she misses Stephen terribly.”

Julia’s agitation was replaced with concern for her friend. She knew what Sally was feeling. She wanted to comfort her and perhaps, if they had a moment in private, she could tell her about Samuel. It would help to have a friend’s blessing when her guilt over the broken engagement came calling.

“Perhaps I will go,” she said to her mother, “but are you sure you want me to?”

“Life must continue, Julia, despite hardship, despite grief. The best thing we can do for Edward, for all of us, is to pray and then go on living.”

When Julia arrived at the Hastings home, Sally met her at the front door. She gave her a hug.

“I am so pleased that you came,” she said. “We must catch up when the others have gone.”

“Yes,” Julia said. “I would like to.”

Sally took her hand and ushered her into the parlor. The other girls were all there, sisters Trudy and Elizabeth Martin, Emily Davis and sour-looking Rebekah Van der Geld.

The girls smiled. Rebekah stared. She sat with her back straight and rigid as though she was ready to pounce on any subversive political idea. The black bonnet she wore was too big for her head. Julia thought she looked ridiculous.

“We weren’t certain that you would come,” Trudy said. “We heard about Edward.” Her voice was sweet and genuine.

Julia liked her and her twin sister. Their older brother George was considering enlistment. She sat down next to them. “Has George decided?”

“He wants to go,” Trudy said, “but fears what it will mean for Mother.”

Elizabeth leaned forward. She looked exactly like her sister but for a few freckles on her nose. “George has been the man of the house ever since Father passed away. He feels torn between two duties.”

“Both honorable,” Julia said.

Rebekah huffed.

Julia shot her a look. Sally stepped between them with a tray of cold tea. She smiled.

“It is warm this afternoon, isn’t it?”

Sally Hastings had a peaceful presence that could stabilize almost any situation. Julia envied her friend’s ability to do so. She wished she were more like her.

“Thank you,” Julia said as she took a glass.

“There are tea cakes as well,” Sally said. “Rebekah, will you serve them?”

Rebekah got up from her seat and did as Sally asked, though not as graciously as her host. Julia took an orange-glazed tea cake from her tray if only to be polite.

“How is your father feeling?” she asked, knowing he had been ill with stomach pains.

Rebekah’s face softened but only a bit. “Much better, thank you.”

When the refreshments had been served, the young ladies got down to business.

“Well,” Sally said. “We have finished our other projects and given what has been happening these last few weeks, I thought that perhaps we might do something different today.” She paused, eyes sweeping the room. “We all know at least one man who has gone to serve. Perhaps we could take on a project for the regiment.”

Elizabeth looked delighted by the suggestion. “I have heard that there is a group of ladies in Carroll County who are at this very moment sewing a coat for General Lee.”

Trudy nodded enthusiastically. “Yes. Yes. Let’s do something of that sort.”

“Why?” Rebekah grumbled. “Your men left in full uniform.”

Emily Davis was an only child and had no relatives serving as of yet but she liked Sally’s suggestion as well. “What about sashes?”

Sally nodded, though hesitantly. “Yes, but wouldn’t that be only for officers?” She looked about the circle.

The women had no idea.

“What about a regimental flag?” Elizabeth suggested.

“That could get you arrested,” Rebekah announced. “Haven’t you read the paper? No displays of Confederate regalia, no Confederate music… Why I even read a notice concerning red-and-white-striped stockings.”

“For goodness’ sake, what is wrong with striped stockings?” Sally asked.

“Red and white have been deemed pro-secessionist colors. Anyone found wearing such could be arrested.”

Sally blew out her breath and Julia’s face heated as she thought of her own red and white stockings which were tucked beneath her hoop and petticoats. Part of her feared catching the attention of some impudent Yankee rascal on the way home. The defiant streak in her wished to display the stockings proudly.

“Well,” Elizabeth said. “If they insist on spying on our ankles then I suppose we will have to wear extra petticoats to hide them.”

“Indeed,” Emily said.

“Speaking of stockings,” Trudy said. “What about socks for our men?”

“You mean ordinary, plain ones?” Sally asked.

“Yes. Of course. Surely no one, even Yankees, could object to sending our men socks. They will need them for winter.”

The thought of Edward still on the battlefield come Christmas time was too much to bear. Julia looked at Sally. She must have been thinking the same about Stephen. Her chin quivered.

“Let’s hope it doesn’t last that long,” she said.

“Why are we so concerned with the soldiers?” Rebekah asked. “Aren’t we supposed to be making lace?”

The women stopped. They quickly looked at Julia.

“Oh, my dear, I am so sorry,” said Sally. “Forgive me. I can’t believe I forgot.”

Julia felt incredibly uneasy but it had nothing to do with Sally’s forgetfulness. “It is all right,” she said. “We have all had other things on our mind.”

A heaviness blanketed the room. No one seemed to know what to say and Julia had no idea where to begin.

“Dear me,” Emily said at last. “Samuel hasn’t gone, has he?”

“No,” Julia said, feeling the color creep up her neck.

“Finally, a wise man,” said Rebekah.

All eyes were on Julia. The knot in her stomach tightened. She couldn’t bring herself to say what she knew she must. She didn’t want her friends to know that her fiancé had refused to join her brother. She also couldn’t stand to hear Rebekah sing Samuel’s praises for doing so.

“The wedding,” she said weakly, “has been postponed.”

A collective sigh went about the room. Even Rebekah looked concerned.

“Edward was to be Samuel’s best man, wasn’t he?” Sally said, obviously thinking that was the reason.

“Yes.”

Julia’s friend tried to smile, to sound hopeful. “I am certain he will be home soon.”

“Yes,” Elizabeth said. “They all will.”

The women dabbed their eyes with their handkerchiefs. Emily then spoke. “I think we should continue with our original plan and work on Julia’s lace. That way everything will be ready when the time comes.”

The others nodded in agreement.

Julia tried to object. “That is very kind of you but it isn’t necessary.”

“Nonsense,” Sally said. “I would rather look ahead to happier times.”

“So would I,” Trudy said.

Julia could hardly argue with that. If looking forward to a wedding that would never actually take place was what it took to lift her friends’ spirits, then Julia would not interfere. Not today, when she was already uncomfortable and upset over her encounter with Samuel at the prayer meeting.

“Thank you,” she said meekly.

“Now,” Sally said, eager to begin, “which pattern did you choose?”

When the hall clock chimed four, they put their newly constructed lace in their baskets and agreed to meet again the following week. Julia was slow in packing up her supplies. She put away the dining room chairs while Sally bid her other guests goodbye. When she came back into the room, she spoke softly.

“I wanted to tell you something,” she said, “but I didn’t want to say it in front of the others, especially not Rebekah.”

“What is it?” Julia asked.

“My father will be handling the mail.”

Julia did not understand. Mr. Hastings was a member of the city council. “He has taken a new job?”

“No. The Confederate mail.”

“Oh.”

“When our brothers are able to write, the letters will come through special channels, not the regular post,” Sally explained. “Bring your letters here to mail them. It will be safer that way.”

Julia nodded. She hadn’t thought about how to mail letters to an opposing army but she was glad someone else did. “I hope we hear from them soon,” she said.

“So do I. Now…what is bothering you? I know it is more than Edward. You barely mentioned Sam at all today. That’s not like you.”

Julia sighed, hoping the others hadn’t noticed. “I was going to tell you. I just didn’t know how.”

“Tell me what? Did he do something to upset you?”

“It’s more what he didn’t do.”

“I don’t understand.”

Julia motioned to a chair. “Perhaps we should sit. This may take a while.”

Sally did so and as Julia spilled the entire story she listened most sympathetically. “Oh, Julia. I am so sorry. I didn’t know he held abolitionist views.”

“Neither did I, until recently. What do you think?”

“About Sam or slavery?”

“Both.”

Sally shrugged. “Slavery is legal but…”

“But what?”

“My father says there are some who abuse the law. That they treat their slaves as though they were subhuman. That’s not right.”

“I don’t think so either and I can understand why Samuel would be angry about that.”

“But?”

“But look at what has happened in our city. This has nothing to do with slaves. To say he will not fight because the Confederacy supports slavery sounds like an excuse to me. There is an army outside with guns. They are telling us what music we can and cannot sing, how we may dress. They opened fire on my family right in the middle of Pratt Street!”

“I know,” Sally said. “That’s why Stephen enlisted.” She paused. “And you’re angry with Sam because he didn’t.”

Julia looked at her. There was no need to reply to the last statement. Sally already knew her thoughts.

“You still have feelings for him, don’t you?”

Julia sighed heavily. To deny it would be a lie but to acknowledge them was to deny her brother’s honor.

“I can understand your dilemma,” Sally said.

“You can?”

“Certainly. If my fiancé refused to defend our city I would feel the same.”

She saw doubt in Sally’s eyes and she knew she was keeping something back. “But?” Julia encouraged.

Sally shrugged. “Perhaps it isn’t cowardice.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, Sam is a man of conviction. Although it may not be the same conviction you share. It takes courage to stand up for what you believe when no one else believes the same.”

Julia sighed once more. “He came to the prayer meeting today.”

“What prayer meeting?”

“The one at the church.”

Sally looked embarrassed. “I forgot about that. Father must have as well. He said yesterday that we would attend.”

“It was only my family, Reverend Perry and Samuel.”

“Did he sit with you?”

Julia shook her head. She explained what happened after the service had ended.

Sally’s eyes widened. “He said he would honor your wishes?”

“Yes.”

“I see.”

Finality hit Julia with a thud. The engagement had been severed. Samuel Ward would not be her husband.

“I should have been more open with the others,” she said. “I should have told them everything.”

“Well,” Sally said slowly, “there is no need for gossip, especially from Rebekah.” She squeezed Julia’s hand. “Things will sort out in time.”

She knew Sally was right.

But how much time would have to pass before Julia knew happiness again?

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