Beneath a Starless Sky
When more officers came to ask Lilli for a dance, she decided she really should, if only for appearances’ sake. She’d noticed conversations going on behind extended fans. Old dowagers were frowning at her and Marco, so she agreed to dance with two others; one a retired major and the other a subaltern with bad breath and clammy hands.
Marco was waiting for her when the subaltern took his leave.
‘Shall we find somewhere a little quieter?’ he suggested and together they seated themselves on a chaise longue at the far end of the ballroom.
‘So what about you, Captain Zeiller?’ asked Lilli, sipping more Champagne. ‘You know a lot about me. Now it’s your turn.’
His broad shoulders lifted in a shrug and he lowered his gaze in thought. ‘I have taken an oath to serve the Fatherland and, if necessary, to sacrifice my life for Germany,’ he told her, seemingly without conviction. ‘My future lies in the army.’
Lilli frowned. ‘You sound as though you are not happy being a soldier,’ she said, then immediately regretted being so candid. The Champagne had loosened her tongue, making her speak out of turn. ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t …’
He gave her a tight smile. ‘It’s my duty. I don’t have a say in the matter,’ he replied curtly. It was clear he wanted to change the subject and Lilli worried she’d broken the mood.
‘Why don’t we get some air?’ he suggested, rising and holding out his hand to her. ‘I don’t care to be starred at,’ he added, catching an old harridan’s glare as she hobbled past.
However, she was not the only one to signal her disapproval of the couple’s courtship. General Von Urbach had also been watching the pair for a while and didn’t like what he saw, either. The mutual attraction between one of his most promising officers and a Jewish dancer was not to his liking. It was time, he thought, to begin flexing his Bavarian talons to nip this mutual attraction in the bud.
‘Zeiller seems to be enjoying himself tonight,’ he commented to Von Stockmar as they watched the pair converse animatedly.
‘The Jewish girl?’ sneered his nephew, cradling a squat glass of schnapps. ‘Yes. Quite nauseating,’ he mumbled, allowing his jealousy to show in an unguarded moment.
The general’s hawkish eyes narrowed. ‘I didn’t want her here, but Helene insisted. She gets obsessed by certain people. Perhaps now that the little Jewish bitch seems to have stolen Zeiller’s affections from her, my daughter may have regrets.’
Von Stockmar gulped his schnapps. ‘Perhaps,’ he replied tentatively, although he wasn’t entirely sure what to read into the general’s comments.
Von Urbach’s gaze remained trained on Lilli. ‘The wretched Jews are everywhere, like vermin. And now there is one in my castle!’ He barked out a false laugh.
‘Quite, sir.’ Von Stockmar nodded.
‘And as for Zeiller …’ said the general, wistfully. ‘He’s marked for promotion soon. I would’ve thought better of him.’
Von Stockmar smirked, realising that merely by showing an interest in a Jewish girl, his rival had put his career in jeopardy.
‘Would you like me to have a word, sir?’ he asked, suddenly feeling the power shifting into his corner. He fingered the scar on his cheek as he watched Lilli and Marco rise and head towards the terrace.
‘I think you better had,’ mused Von Urbach. A deep furrow appeared on his brow as he observed the impromptu love scene play out before him. ‘I would hate to have to lose Zeiller.’
A cold blast hit Lilli and Marco as they left the stuffy, smoke-filled ballroom and ventured outside. The terrace was already covered in a thin veil of snow as they walked out into the night. Lilli, feeling flushed and light-headed, welcomed the fresh air, although she shivered as the cold pricked her naked arms.
‘Here. Have this,’ said Marco, shedding his tunic. Underneath only a thin, white shirt hugged his broad frame. He draped the jacket around her shoulders. It was warm against her skin and smelled of sandalwood cologne.
They were alone. No one else, it seemed, wanted to brave the snowfall. By now it had dusted the pines in white. Above the silhouettes of the trees a silver moon hung in a deep blue velvet sky embedded with stars.
Marco gestured towards the balustrade and together they walked over to enjoy the view. Away from the music of the orchestra, there was something reassuring to be found in the silence of the mountains – something timeless and unchanging.
It was a relief to leave the stuffy ballroom and finally escape the disapproving glances, the mutterings behind fans and the whispered slurs that had been so obvious to Lilli. She wondered if Marco had been aware of them too.
Taking a breath of fresh mountain air she released it steadily as she gathered her thoughts. ‘People are talking. You know that?’ she said after a moment.
He turned to her and, without warning, looped a stray strand of hair, displaced by their high jinks on the dance floor, behind her ear. She blushed and lowered her gaze, but he crooked his finger under her chin and gazed into her eyes.
‘I do know, but what does it matter?’ he said. He spoke with such seeming sincerity that, for a moment, he almost convinced her it didn’t matter at all what anyone said; that she could rise above the haters and the nay-sayers. She questioned his wisdom, but admired his courage. ‘Whom I choose to spend my time with is no concern of theirs,’ he added.
Marco was choosing to spend his time with her, despite her background, despite her Jewishness, and the thought made her feel special. He made her feel special. In fact, she couldn’t remember a time when she’d felt happier, not even when the audience rose to applaud her after Giselle. Perhaps it was something to do with the Champagne, but this was a different kind of happy. It was Giselle and Hanukkah and her birthday all rolled into one. Soft and gentle, and beautiful, but exhilarating at the same time.
‘I want to be with you, too,’ she told him softly. She knew she was being reckless, but she really didn’t care.
Marco put his arm around her as they watched the snow fall and settle on the branches of the trees that surrounded the schloss. She wondered if he could feel how fast her heart was beating against his chest. She wondered if this was a dream and if she’d soon wake up. ‘It’s magical,’ she said in a half whisper, to herself as much to Marco, looking out onto the vista.
‘It is,’ he replied, suddenly turning his head and lowering it. Her heart leapt as, finding her lips, he kissed her gently.
Chapter 12
Lilli awoke the morning after the ball with a searing headache. Her mouth was dry and she had an unquenchable thirst. Leon, getting dressed as she lay squinting against the light from the electric bulb, was unsympathetic. The details of the previous evening seemed oddly out of reach. To her relief, she remembered it was a Sunday, so there were no classes at the academy.
‘You drank too much,’ her brother told her, buttoning his shirt.
She grunted at first, but when Leon persisted, she denied it, even though she knew he was probably right.
‘I only had one glass of champagne,’ she protested. She’d had at least two.
Leon’s expression grew weary. ‘You came home all giddy, mumbling about ballgowns and dancing and some captain.’
‘A captain,’ she echoed.
Captain Marco Zeiller. A bolt of lightning suddenly sliced through the fog in her brain as she recalled with amazing clarity the handsome officer with whom she’d danced the night away.
‘Yes,’ she murmured. ‘Yes. Captain Zeiller.’ She jerked upright as everything came back to her. And that kiss; the kiss that set off a thousand fireworks in her head.
Slumping back down again onto her pillow, she looked up at the ceiling, recalling the thrill that shot through her entire being when his lips collided with hers. Had he felt the same way? Or had the champagne clouded her judgement and made her behave rashly? But then she remembered that he must’ve felt something because he wanted to meet her again. Or had she dreamt that part? Mortified, she suddenly realised she had.
Propping herself up on both elbows, she thought for a moment then leapt out of bed. Reality had suddenly dawned and come crashing down on her. Her hands flew up to her mouth.
‘What’s wrong?’ asked Leon, combing his hair.
She began to prowl the room, hugging herself against the cold. She’d made a fool of herself, hadn’t she? What could she have been thinking, behaving like that? The captain had been witty and charming and a consummate gentleman and she … she had danced and laughed. And then he’d kissed her on the terrace. Or had she kissed him? She blushed as snatches of recollections raced through her brain.
‘Oh, Leon!’ she cried. ‘I’ve been such a fool!’
It was hard to concentrate on lessons at the academy on the Monday. She kept remembering fragments from the evening of the ball. Mademoiselle Schultz, the pianist with the frizzy orange hair, asked her if she was quite all right and at break, instead of mixing with the other students, Lilli sat alone in the gloom the changing rooms, feeling quite wretched. She had deliberately avoided Helene, too, recalling the disappointment in her hostess’s face when she was dragged away from Marco to dance with her elderly godfather. But as she pined in the darkness and the comtesse approached, she knew the moment of reckoning was upon her.
‘There you are,’ Helene said, her voice flat as she loomed. ‘So, you enjoyed yourself at my ball?’
Lilli raised her head to meet her cold stare and forced a smile.
‘Very much, thank you. I meant to say …’ but her voice trailed off half-heartedly.
‘And you will see Captain Zeiller again?’ Helene was being brusque now.
Lilli’s eyes slid away to the floor as she shrugged. ‘I don’t suppose so,’ she replied, trying to sound blasé, but finding it hard to hide the obvious disenchantment in her voice.
‘It’s probably better if you don’t,’ replied Helene. ‘People will talk.’
Lilli’s head shot up. ‘What—?’ But the comtesse didn’t wait to hear the end of the question. Leaving behind her unprovoked barb, she departed. In her wake Lilli felt more wretched than ever.
That evening, as she prepared to leave the academy for home and just when she thought the day could go no worse, Mademoiselle Schultz approached her again as she walked down the corridor.
‘Ah Fraulein Sternberg, Madame Eva would like a word with you in her office,’ she told her, her lips pursed and her orange head held high.
Lilli’s stomach turned a somersault as the ‘what ifs’ tumbled around in her head. What if word had got back to the academy that she’d been drunk? What if the general had reported her for misconduct?
She stood before Madame Eva’s desk quailing at the very thought of being expelled from the academy, but all her principal did was slide over an envelope across the desk, lifting a sly smile as she did so.
‘This came for you today, Lilli,’ she said, intrigue tinging her voice. ‘It is marked personal, so I respected your privacy, but I thought it might be from Monsieur Raymond.’
Lilli’s stomach flipped again as she reached for the envelope with her name, handwritten, on the front. The principal watched eagerly as she opened the flap with trembling hands to read the contents. Her mouth suddenly went dry, but not because she was being offered a contract with the talent agency, but because Captain Marco Zeiller wanted to see her again.
Lilli refolded the note and replaced it in the envelope. ‘It isn’t from Monsieur Raymond, Madame,’ she said, trying to force down her urge to shout her news from the rooftops. It was, instead, a message from the most wonderful, most charming man in all of Munich.
‘Oh?’ Madame arched one of her brows.
‘It is personal,’ replied Lilli. ‘From an old acquaintance, who didn’t have my home address.’ The lie came easily to her.
Madame Eva tented her fingers disapprovingly. ‘Perhaps you could ensure that, in future, all your private correspondence is directed correctly, Fraulein Lilli. Any further communications will be disposed of. You understand?’
‘Yes, Madame.’ Lilli turned to go, then swivelled back to dip a curtsey.
‘Thank you, Madame,’ she said, and she hurried out of the principal’s office with wings on her heels.
Maximillian-ll-Kaserne Barracks,
Munich
Dear Fraulein Sternberg
Forgive me for contacting you via the Académie de Danse, but I could think of no other way of renewing our acquaintance. I very much enjoyed spending the evening of Comtesse Von Urbach’s ball in your company and hope you didn’t think my behaviour too presumptuous. I crave your forgiveness if that is the case and hope you will allow me to explain my actions in person to you.
With that in mind, I wondered if you would do me the honour of meeting me again at a place and time of your choosing.
If you decided that my conduct was unbecoming, then please ignore this letter. If not, I very much look forward to hearing from you at your convenience.
I am, Fraulein Sternberg, your obedient servant
Marco Zeiller
Captain, 21st Infantry (Bavarian) 7th Division, Reichswehr
Lilli re-read Marco’s letter for what must have been a tenth time as she waited to meet him a block away from her apartment in Geising the following Sunday. Ever since she’d first received the note, her anxiety and embarrassment had lifted. She felt different: light-headed, unwilling to eat, unable to concentrate. And yet colours were brighter, smells sweeter. Everything was softer to the touch. Even in winter there was birdsong and there were more smiles on the faces of people she passed in the street. Or was that simply because they were responding to her own smiles that were now bestowed so freely? Her world suddenly seemed a better place. And all because Marco had asked to be in it. A walk to the Englischer Garten, the huge park in the centre of the city, was proposed. She hadn’t told her parents. Not yet. They thought she was meeting Marsha from the academy.
The day before it had snowed heavily again. Lilli had tugged on thick socks under her boots and borrowed her mother’s old fur coat, which was far too big for her around the middle and a little too short to be fashionable, but she hoped it made her look sophisticated. And of course it was much warmer than her thin coat.
As the nearby church clock struck eleven, Captain Marco Zeiller appeared. Away from the heady atmosphere of Helene’s ball and in the harsh light of day, she suddenly worried that things might be awkward between them, that the spark might have died, like a candle flame snuffed out by falling snow.
The captain was wearing a greatcoat over his uniform that made his shoulders look even broader. He seemed taller to Lilli, too. It was the first time she’d seen him in the daylight and, as he drew closer, she was struck by his strong jaw and his aquiline nose. Together they made him appear even more Italian.
‘Fraulein Sternberg,’ he greeted her with a shallow bow. ‘I am so honoured that you agreed to meet me.’
Despite the cold, Lilli felt herself flush. ‘Captain Zeiller.’
‘I was afraid you might think badly of me after …’ He tilted his head a little as he spoke. ‘Well, after …’
Lilli frowned. ‘But I thought you’d think badly of me. I am the one who must apologise. I am not used to champagne and …’
His expression changed. Suddenly he looked very sombre. ‘I understand,’ he said, his shoulders slumping. ‘You made a mistake. I took advantage of you. I am truly sorry. I never …’
‘No! No Captain Zeiller.’ She needed to pull back the moment. ‘You don’t understand. I am so happy that you contacted me.’
‘You are?’ His smile returned.
‘Yes. Yes, of course I am.’
The air was so cold that when either of them spoke great clouds rose from their mouth like smoke. She saw his relief in a sigh.
‘I’ve been thinking about you a lot this week,’ he said. His eyes were shaded by the peak of his cap but he was smiling broadly as he spoke and his words softened any edge of awkwardness there might have been.
Watching his lips, she recalled his kiss – the kiss that exploded inside her. ‘I’ve been thinking about you, too,’ she said, feeling the tension released from her chest. ‘I was worried that you’d think me just a giddy, foolish girl, who needed – what do they say? – Dutch courage, to help me through the evening.’
He shook his head. ‘Not at all,’ he said. ‘But you were very brave. I admired you’
‘You did?’ Her eyes widened.
‘It can’t have been easy for you.’
She threw him a wary glance. Was he thinking of the sniggers about her gown, or the whispered rumours behind the fans and the sneers from some of the officers?
‘The people, I mean,’ he jumped in quickly, fearing he may have offended her. ‘Those arrogant generals and their haughty wives.’ He pulled a funny face, making Lilli smile. ‘You are much better than they are.’
‘I am?’ She was so glad he felt the same way as she did about the other guests.
‘I know you are,’ he said, fixing her with a look that set off fireworks in her head once more. She laughed out loud.
‘Good, now we are even,’ he agreed with a nod. ‘So, the park. You lead the way.’ He gestured and she thought of the quickest route, down the road that veered left into Untere Grasstrasse, where her father’s tailor’s shop had stood until quite recently. She hesitated for a moment. Should she show him the blackened ruins? She decided she would.
They were less than a few metres down the street when the dark shell of the burned-out buildings came into view. A cordon had been placed around the charred rubble; the surrounding pavements had been swept clear of glass, but the hideous scar remained as an unwelcome reminder of that terrible night.
Lilli stopped on the other side of the street. The shocking sight was something she wanted to share with Marco, as if by seeing it, he might get to know her better; understand her sorrows as well as her joys.
‘That was my father’s workshop,’ she told him, watching for his reaction.
Marco’s eyes widened under his cap then his brows dipped into a frown. ‘What happened?’
‘The Brownshirts set it alight.’
‘Brownshirts,’ he repeated slowly, in a knowing sort of way.
‘They are no better than thugs,’ she muttered, trying to contain her disgust.
‘Have they caught the ones who did this?’ he asked.
Lilli felt her shoulders jolt as a bitter laugh escaped. ‘Of course not. They will never be punished for what they did,’ she told him. ‘We are the ones who suffer.’
‘I’m so sorry, but these people …’ Marco was shaking his head, a pained expression turning down his mouth at the edges. ‘Will your father be able to rebuild?’
Lilli shrugged. ‘He says he will. A friend has lent him somewhere to work for a short time, but …’ Her voice dissolved, knowing that, in truth, any hopes of carrying on the business had gone with the fire.
‘These vandals should not be allowed to get away with this,’ said Marco, still surveying the blackened stumps of wood that stuck out of the debris like rotting teeth. ‘We have laws.’
As they turned to continue their journey, Lilli wanted to tell him that laws seemed only to apply to Jews, these days, but she held her tongue. Perhaps it was a mistake to show him so soon the open wound inflicted on her family. Today should not be about her pain. She should put her troubles aside. From now on there would be no sadness when Marco was with her.
It was a long walk to the park, so Lilli set a fast pace, but the pavements were icy and, almost immediately, she found herself slipping. She’d just begun to slide when she instinctively grabbed hold of Marco to steady herself.
‘Ah! Ha!’ he exclaimed, catching her arm.
‘I’m sorry,’ she told him, laughing as the soles of her boots slipped from under her again before she could right herself.
‘No more apologies,’ he replied, putting his arm over hers and holding it there so that, from then on, they walked arm in arm. It felt so natural, yet so thrilling for Lilli to be touching him as they moved along. Her heart swelled with pride to be seen on the arm of such a handsome man – an officer as well – and secretly she hoped one of the rich girls from the academy might spot them and tell everyone that Lilli Sternberg was walking out with a dashing captain in the Reichswehr.
Despite the cold, it was a bright, crisp day with not a cloud in the sky. The park was teeming with families, trussed up in fur coats, hats and boots, all enjoying a Sunday stroll. Children clambered for rides on the carousel, while the older ones built snowmen or staged snowball fights. Away from the clusters of attractions, dogs ran helter-skelter on the great powdery swards of white and the mood was jolly and relaxed.
Lilli and Marco swapped smiles, as if giving one another permission to join in the fun. They gazed up at the famous Chinese Tower and tapped their feet to the Bavarian folk songs belted out by the little oompah band. They lingered to watch skaters glide and prance across one of the ponds and then stopped at the café at the boathouse for hot chocolate.
‘That’s so good,’ Lilli said as they sat on the terrace, sipping the rich liquid from a tall glass cup.
‘Wait,’ said Marco, holding her gaze and taking off his glove. He reached across the table and traced the top of her lip with his finger. His very touch made her shut her eyes. When she opened them again, she found him chuckling as he held up his finger tip, covered in whipped cream.
‘You had a moustache, Fraulein Sternberg!’ he teased, his voice deep and comical.
Lilli rose to his bait. Flashing him a scandalised look, she suddenly leaned across and snatched his finger to lick away the cream, before leaning into her seat once more. Marco threw back his head to laugh and Lilli laughed, too.
The surface of the large lake was frozen, and they skimmed pebbles across it, making eerie, hollow sounds as if the surface was a giant drum. A dog suddenly darted from nowhere and ran out into the middle. Its owner screamed after it and for a terrible moment Lilli worried the animal might fall through the ice. But it responded to its master’s calls and turned tail to reach safety once more.
‘I had two Schnauzers once,’ Marco said suddenly, smiling with relief to see dog and owner reunited.
Lilli pictured the breed with their humorous faces and bearded muzzles. No one bad could own a Schnauzer. ‘They are so friendly,’ she said.
Marco laughed. Lilli loved it when he did. His whole face lit up. ‘Hansel and Gretel, they were called. I was only young. My mother loved animals.’ As he spoke Lilli noticed a shadow spread suddenly across his face as if the memory of his mother made him sad.
‘Does she no longer keep dogs?’ she asked.
He turned to give her a tight smile. ‘My mother is dead.’
Lilli’s face crumpled. ‘I’m so sorry. I didn’t …’
His eyes flickered. ‘She died a long time ago.’ He lowered his gaze, then switched back to her, the smile returned. ‘But I know she would have liked you.’
His words touched her deeply, as if he’d just laid his head gently on her soul, but she didn’t know how to reply. Instead she just put her hand in his.
They reached the end of Lilli’s street as the winter light began to fade.
‘It’s been a lovely day,’ she said, standing in the lea of a building, sheltering from the chill wind. The cold was nipping her toes and fingers as the temperature started to plummet again.
Marco nodded. ‘It has been wonderful.’ He leaned forward and kissed her on the lips and the thrill shot through Lilli’s body once more. ‘Next week?’ he asked.
‘Next week,’ agreed Lilli.