The Comic English Grammar: A New And Facetious Introduction To The English Tongue

CHAPTER II. OF THE ARTICLES

The Articles in English are two, a and the; a becomes an before a vowel, and before an h which is not sounded: as, an exquisite, an hour-glass. But if the h be pronounced, the a only is used: as, a homicide, a homoepathist, a hum.

A or an is called the indefinite article, because it is used, in a vague sense, to point out some one thing belonging to a certain kind, but in other respects indeterminate; as,

"A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse!"

So say grammarians. Eating-house keepers tell a different story. A cheese, in common discourse, means an object of a certain shape, size, weight, and so on, entire and perfect; so that to call half a cheese a cheese, would constitute a flaw in an indictment against a thief who had stolen one. But a waiter will term a fraction, or a modicum of cheese, a cheese; a plate-full of pudding, a pudding; and a stick of celery, a salary. Here we are reminded of the famous exclamation of one of these gentry: – "Sir! there's two teas and a brandy-and-water just sloped without paying!" The is termed the definite article, inasmuch as it denotes what particular thing or things are meant as,

"The miller he stole corn,

The weaver he stole yarn,

And the little tailor he stole broad-cloth

To keep the three rogues warm."

A substantive to which no article is prefixed is taken in a general sense; as, "Applesauce is proper for goose that is, for all geese.

A few additional remarks may advantageously be made with respect to the articles. The mere substitution of the definite for the indefinite article is capable of changing entirely the meaning of a sentence. "That is a ticket" is the assertion of a certain fact; but "That is the ticket!" means something which is quite different.

The article is not prefixed to a proper name; as, Stubbs, Wiggins, Brown or Hobson, except for the sake of distinguishing a particular family, or description of persons; as, He is a Burke; that is, one of the Burkes, or a person resembling Burke.

The definite article is frequently used with adverbs in the comparative and superlative degree: as, "The longer I live, the taller, I grow or, as we have all heard the showman say, "This here, gentlemen and ladies, is the vonderful heagle of the sun; the 'otterer it grows, the higherer he flies!"

CHAPTER III

Proper names, or substantives, are the names belonging to individuals: as William, Birmingham.

These are sometimes converted into nicknames, of improper names: as Bill, Brummagem.

Common names, or substantives, denote kinds containing many sorts, or sorts containing many individual» under them: as brute, beast, bumpkin, cherub, infant, goblin, &c.

Proper names, when an article is prefixed to them, are employed as common names: as, "They thought him a perfect Chesterfield; he quite astonished the Browns."

Common names, on the other hand, are made to denote individuals, by the addition of articles or pronouns: as,

"There was a little man, and he had little gun."

"That boy will be the death of me!"

Substantives are considered according to gender, number, and case; they are all of the third person when spoken of, and of the second when spoken to; as,

Matilda, fairest maid, who art

In countless bumpers toasted,

O let thy pity baste the heart

Thy fatal charms have roasted!

The distinction between nouns with regard to sex is called Gender. There are three genders: the Masculine, the Feminine, and the Neuter.

The masculine gender belongs to animals of the male kind: as, a fop, a jackass, a boar, a poet, a lion.

The feminine gender is peculiar to animals of the female kind: as, a poetess, a lioness, a goose.

The neuter gender is that of objects which are neither males nor females: as, a toast, a tankard, a pot, a pipe, a pudding, a pie, a sausage, &c. &c. &c.

We might go on to enumerate an infinity of objects of the neuter gender, of all sorts and kinds; but in the selection of the foregoing examples we have been guided by two considerations: —

1. The desire of exciting agreeable emotions in the mind of the reader.

2. The wish to illustrate the following proposition, "That almost everything nice is also neuter."

Except, however, a nice young lady, a nice duck, and one or two other nice things, which we do not at present remember.

Some neuter substantives are by a figure of speech converted into the masculine or feminine gender: thus we say of the sun, that when he shines upon a Socialist, t he shines upon a thief; and of the moon, that she affects the minds of lovers.

There are certain nouns with which notions of strength, vigor, and the like qualities, are more particularly connected; and these are the neuter substantives which are figuratively rendered masculine. On the other hand, beauty, amiability, and so forth, are held to invest words with a feminine character. Thus the sun is said to be masculine, and the moon feminine. But for our own part, and our view is confirmed by the discoveries of astronomy, we believe that the sun is called masculine from his supporting and sustaining the moon, and finding her the wherewithal to shine away as she does of a night, when all quiet people are in bed; and from his being obliged to keep such a family of stars besides.

The moon, we think, is accounted feminine, because she is thus maintained and kept up in her splendor, like a fine lady, by her husband the sun. Furthermore, the moon is continually changing; on which account alone she might be referred to the feminine gender. The earth is feminine, tricked out, as she is, with gems and flowers. Cities and towns are likewise feminine, because there are as many windings, turnings, and little odd corners in them as there are in the female mind. A ship is feminine, inasmuch as she is blown about by every wind. Virtue is feminine by courtesy. Fortune and misfortune, like mother and daughter, are both feminine. The Church is feminine, because she is married to the state; or married to the state because she is feminine – we do not know which. Time is masculine, because he is so trifled with by the ladies.

The English language distinguishes the sex in three manners; namely,

1. By different words; as,

MALE. FEMALE.

Bachelor Maid.

Brother Sister.

Wizard Father And several other

Witch Mother, &c.

Words we don't mention,

(Pray pardon the crime,)

Worth your attention,

But wanting in rhyme.

2. By a difference of termination; as,

MALE. FEMALÉ.

Poet Poetess.

Lion Lioness, &c.

3. By a noun, pronoun, or adjective being prefixed to the substantive;

as, male. female.

A cock-lobster A hen-lobster.

A jack-ass A jenny-ass (vernacular.)

A man-servant, A maid-servant, or flunkey. or Abigail.

A male flirt (A common animal) A female flirt (A rare animal.)

We have heard it said, that every Jack has his Jill. That may be; but it is by no means true that every cock has his hen; for there is a

Cock-swain, but no Hen-swain.

Cock-eye, but no Hen-eye.

Cock-ade, but no Hen-ade.

Cock-atrice, but no Hen-atrice.

Cock-horse, but no Hen-horse.

Cock-ney, but no Hen-ney.

Then we have a weather-cock, but no weather-hen; a tum-cock, but no turn-hen; and many a jolly cock, but not one jolly hen; unless we except some of those by whom their mates are pecked.

Some words; as, parent, child, cousin, friend, neighbour, servant and several others, are either male or female, according to circumstances.

It is a great pity that our language is so poor in the terminations that denote gender. Were we to say of a woman that she is a rogue, a knave, a scamp, or a vagabond, we feel that we should use, not only strong but improper expressions. Yet we have no corresponding terms to apply, in case of necessity, to the female. Why is this? Doubtless because we never want them. For the same reason, our forefathers transmitted to us the words, philosopher, astronomer, philologer, and so forth, without any feminine equivalent. Alas! for the wisdom of our ancestors! They never calculated on the March of Intellect.

Number is the consideration of an object as one or more; as, one poet, two, three, four, five poets; and so on, ad infinitum.

The singular number expresses one object only; as a towel, a viper.

The plural signifies more objects than one; as, towels, vipers.

Some nouns are used only in the singular number; dirt, pitch, tallow, grease, filth, butter, asparagus, &c.; others only in the plural; as, galligaskins, breeches, &c.

Some words are the same in both numbers; as, sheep, swine, and some others.

The plural number of nouns is usually formed by adding s to the singular; as, dove, doves, love, loves, &c.

Julia, dove returns to dove,

Quid pro quo, and love for love;

Happy in our mutual loves,

Let us live like turtle doves!

When, however, the substantive singular ends in x, ch softy sh, ss, or s, we add es in the plural.

But remember, though box

In the plural makes boxes,

That the plural of ox

Should be oxen, not oxes.

There is nearly as much difference between Latin and English substantives, with respect to the number of cases pertaining to each, as there is between a quack-doctor and a physician; for while in Latin sub-stantives have six cases, in English they have but three. But the analogy should not be strained too far; for the fools in the world (who furnish the quack with his cases) more than double the number of the wise.

The cases of substantives are these: the Nominative, the Possessive or Genitive, and the Objective or Accusative.

The Nominative Case merely expresses the name of a thing, or the subject of the verb: as, "The doctors differ;" – "The patient dies!"

Possession, which is nine points of the law, is what is signified by the Possessive Case. This case is distinguished by an apostrophe, with the letter s subjoined to it: as, My soul's idol!" – "A pudding's end."

But when the plural ends in s, the apostrophe only is retained, and the other s is omitted: as, "The Ministers' Step;" – "The Rogues' March;" – "Crocodiles' tears – "Butchers' mourning."

When the singular terminates in ss, the letter s is sometimes, in like manner, dispensed with: as, "For goodness' sake!" – "For righteousness' sake!" Nevertheless, we have no objection to "Burgess's" Stout.

The Objective Case follows a verb active, and expresses the object of an action, or of a relation: as "Spring beat Bill;" that is, Bill or "William Neate." Hence, perhaps, the phrase, "I'll lick you elegant." The Objective Case is also used with a preposition: as, "You are in a mess."

English substantives may be declined in the following manner:

What is the nominative case

Of her who used to wash your face,

Your hair to comb, your boots to lace?

A mother!

What the possessive?

Whose the slap

That taught you not to spill your pap,

Or to avoid a like mishap!

A mother's!

And shall I the objective show?

What do I hear where'er I go?

How is your? – whom they mean I know,

My mother!

Who are the anxious watchers o'er

The slumbers of a little bore,

That screams whene'er it doesn't snore?

Why, mothers! Whose pity wipes its piping eyes,

And stills maturer childhood's cries,

Stopping its mouth with cakes and pies?

Oh! mother's!

And whom, when master, fierce and fell,

Dusts truant varlets' jackets well,

Whom do they, roaring, run and tell?

Their mothers!

CHAPTER IV. OF ADJECTIVES

An English Adjective, whatever may be its gender, number, or case, like a rusty weathercock, never varies. Thus we say, "A certain cabinet; certain rogues." But as a rusty weathercock may vary in being more or less rusty, so an adjective varies in the degrees of comparison.

The degrees of comparison, like the Genders, the Graces, the Fates, the Kings of Cologne, the Weird Sisters, and many other things, are three; the Positive, the Comparative, and the Superlative.

The Positive state simply expresses the quality of an object; as, fat, ugly, foolish.

The Comparative degree increases or lessens the signification of the positive; as fatter, uglier, more foolish, less foolish.

Конец ознакомительного фрагмента.

Текст предоставлен ООО «ЛитРес».

Прочитайте эту книгу целиком, купив полную легальную версию на ЛитРес.

Безопасно оплатить книгу можно банковской картой Visa, MasterCard, Maestro, со счета мобильного телефона, с платежного терминала, в салоне МТС или Связной, через PayPal, WebMoney, Яндекс.Деньги, QIWI Кошелек, бонусными картами или другим удобным Вам способом.