Our Fragile Hearts
Three lives. Three broken hearts…
Piper loved her mommy. So when she loses her, her world is confused and sad. But she has Rachel now. She won’t leave her as well, will she?
Rachel finds out she has a five-year-old sister on the same day that she is told her mother has died. Having been in foster care for years, she never really knew her mom, but she knows for sure she doesn’t want the same thing for Piper. She knows she has to take care of her – but how?
Mary never even got to see her baby. They took it away as soon as she gave birth. And the hole in her heart has never healed. So when she meets Rachel and Piper, two lost girls looking for a family, her broken heart skips a beat…
Also by Buffy Andrews
The Christmas Violin
The Moment Keeper
It’s in the Stars
Our Fragile Hearts
Buffy Andrews
Copyright
HQ
An imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd.
1 London Bridge Street
London SE1 9GF
First published in Great Britain by HQ in 2016
Copyright © Buffy Andrews 2016
Buffy Andrews asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.
A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.
This novel is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are the work of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is entirely coincidental.
All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins.
E-book Edition © May 2016 ISBN: 9781474054881
Version date: 2018-07-02
BUFFY ANDREWS
is an author, blogger and journalist.
She leads an award-winning staff at the York Daily Record/Sunday News, where she is Assistant Managing Editor of Social Media and Engagement.
In addition to her writing blog, Buffy’s Write Zone, she maintains a social media blog, Buffy’s World.
She is also a newspaper and magazine columnist and writes middle-grade, young adult and women’s fiction.
She lives in southcentral Pennsylvania with her husband, Tom; two sons, Zach and Micah; and wheaten cairn terrier, Kakita. She is grateful for their love and support and for reminding her of what’s most important in life.
Sometimes our heart breaks into a million pieces and we think it will never be whole again. But then a hand reaches out and steadies us and we know with all certainty that our fragile heart will heal.
I thank the hands that have steadied me during my darkest hours, the arms that have carried me when I was too weak to walk and the hearts that have saved me from brokenness and despair.
To wonderful friends who fill my life with love and laughter: Stacey Zambito, Shonna Cardello, Laura Schreiber, Renee Maderitz and Lilli Horn.
I love you girls!
Contents
Cover
Blurb
Book List
Title Page
Copyright
Author Bio
Acknowledgements
Dedication
Prologue
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty-One
Chapter Twenty-Two
Chapter Twenty-Three
Chapter Twenty-Four
Chapter Twenty-Five
Chapter Twenty-Six
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Chapter Thirty
Chapter Thirty-One
Chapter Thirty-Two
Chapter Thirty-Three
Chapter Thirty-Four
Chapter Thirty-Five
Chapter Thirty-Six
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Chapter Forty
Chapter Forty-One
Chapter Forty-Two
Chapter Forty-Three
Chapter Forty-Four
Chapter Forty-Five
Epilogue
Extract
Endpages
About the Publisher
Prologue
Mary
June 30, 1957
I hate Mother. I hate Father. They’re sending me away. They said I brought shame to the family, that no decent man will want me. They have forbidden me to see Teddy. He doesn’t know I’m carrying his child. He thinks I don’t love him. My life is over.
Love, Mary Katherine
***
I lay in my hospital bed trying to remember. I remembered the cold, sterile delivery room and the doctors and nurses dressed in white and wearing masks. I remembered seeing the delivery table and the bassinet, the sterile towels and drapes and rubber gloves. I even remembered seeing the scissors and string the doctor would use to tie my baby’s umbilical cord.
But I didn’t remember seeing my baby.
I didn’t even know if I’d had a boy or a girl. The nurse had given me something for my pain, and when I woke up I was in this hospital room with another mother who had given birth to a stillborn. I listened to her cry for the child she’d lost. And she listened to me cry for the child I had but would never see.
My baby was in someone else’s arms. My father, who was an attorney, had arranged a private adoption. “You shamed our family,” he’d said. “Your baby is a bastard.”
So he sent me away to a strange place in a strange town where no one knew me and few, except for the other “troubled girls,” cared.
I was alone and sad and I wondered if I’d ever see Teddy again. Probably not after writing the letter my father had forced me to write. Father even read the letter afterward to make sure it said what he’d dictated. I was certain Teddy would hate me forever.
I heard my mother’s voice before I saw her. She was coming to take me home. I’d been in the hospital for days waiting for her.
“How’s Mary Katherine today?” She walked over and kissed my cheek as if she were greeting me after a week at church camp.
My chin wobbled and I could feel tears gathering in the corners of my eyes. “How could you?”
A flurry of emotion ripped through my broken body and I shook uncontrollably as I sobbed.
Mother patted my back, but her hand felt as hard as the wooden paddle she used on me when I misbehaved as a child. “It’s all over now. Everything will be fine. You’ll see.”
I narrowed my eyes. “Nothing will ever be fine, Mother. I wish I was dead.”
“Oh, now, Mary Katherine. You don’t mean that.”
I slammed my hand into the bed. “Stop telling me how I feel. You have no idea how I feel. You made me give up my baby.”
Mother sighed. “You can always have another one.”
I felt my anger boil in the pit of my stomach and it inched its way up and exploded in fits and bursts from my mouth. “I don’t want another one. I wanted this one.”
“Well, she’s gone.”
Tears stung my eyes and my mouth dropped open. “I had a daughter?”
Mother mashed her ruby lips together. “I don’t know if the baby was a boy or a girl.”
She was lying. I could tell by the red blotchiness spreading over her narrow neck. I had a daughter. And I knew that for the rest of my life, everywhere I went I’d look for her.
Would she have my blonde hair and blue eyes? Or Teddy’s dark hair and dark eyes?
I blew my nose into the tissues Mother had handed me. “Did he come?”
Mother shook her head. “Your father was too busy.”
“He’s always been too busy for me.”
“Now, Mary Katherine. You know your father cares about you.”
“Stop it. Stop making excuses for him. He’s never been anything but mean to me my entire life. And he’s been mean to you, too.”
Mother’s hand flew to her heart. “You don’t know what you’re saying. Stop. It’s not true.”
“It is, too. I’ve heard you crying at night when you think I’m asleep. I’ve seen the bruises on your arms and legs. He’s a tyrant and I hate him more than I’ve ever hated anyone.”
“He let me have you,” Mother said. “And a good family will get your baby and provide a wonderful life for her, just like I provided for you.”
“Yes, and just like me my baby will wonder why her birth mother didn’t want her. What kind of person gives their baby away to a total stranger?”
“A young girl who has her whole life ahead of her,” Mother said. “You know, it takes a lot of courage to give up your child.”
“Wrong, Mother. It takes a lot of courage to keep it and to ignore what others say behind your back.”
“But you’ve given your baby a chance to have a loving home.”
“Dear God, Mother. Father has brainwashed you.”
Mother sat on the chair next to my bed. “I’ve never met the woman who gave birth to you, Mary Katherine. I never wanted to. But if it hadn’t have been for her I’d never have become a mother. So, if your father gets a little angry sometimes, it doesn’t matter. I can deal with his anger, but I can’t deal with yours. So, please, stop. I don’t want to spend the entire trip home arguing.”
I didn’t want to spend it arguing either. I was too tired and all I wanted was to get as far away as possible from this hospital and the maternity house where I’d spent the last seven months. I wanted to sleep in my own bed in my own room.
Mother handed me a bag containing the clothes she’d brought me. “Would you like me to help you dress?”
I took the bag. “No. I’d like for you to leave while I get dressed.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
I pulled out a black poodle skirt and white blouse. I undressed, rubbing my hand over my abdomen, which had been as big as a beach ball only days before. I wondered if I’d ever feel the tickle of a baby growing inside of me again. If I’d ever feel the tiny fist poking at me from the inside out. I pulled on the poodle skirt that thankfully Mother had bought in a larger size. I buttoned the blouse and tied a black scarf around my neck. I brushed my hair back and put it into a ponytail. I looked into the mirror. The girl staring back at me looked like the one who’d snuck out of the house more than a year ago to meet Teddy. But it wasn’t the same girl. That girl was gone and I knew she would never come back.
Chapter 1
Rachel
“Come on, Piper. Hurry up and finish your cereal. You don’t want to be late for your first day of kindergarten.”
Piper shrugged her boney shoulders. “Why can’t I stay home with you, Rachel?”
“Because you have to go to school. It’ll be fun, you’ll see. Besides, you’re always playing school with your dolls; now you get to go to school for real.”
“But what if I don’t like it?” Piper shoveled a spoonful of cereal into her tiny mouth.
“You will. You’ll make new friends.” I filled my coffee mug.
“But what if they don’t like me?”
I sucked in a deep breath and exhaled slowly. “They will. What’s there not to like about you?”
“Daniel said I look funny.”
“Well, you tell Daniel he looks funnier. Besides, what does he know?”
Piper’s blue eyes widened. “Daniel’s the smartest kid in daycare. He reads books and he knows every single dinosaur.”
I brushed back Piper’s blonde hair. “You’re smart, too. You know way more than I did when I was your age.”
“How old are you?
“How old do you think I am?”
Piper chewed her lip and squinted. “Fifty!”
I spit out the coffee I’d just sipped. “Fifty! No! Twenty-two. I was eighteen when you were born.”
“That’s old.”
“Thanks.”
“But not as old as mommy, right?”
“Right.”
Piper scrunched her freckled nose. “Are you going to be there when the bus brings me home?”
I sat down across from Piper and looked into her eyes. “Yes, I told you I will meet you at the bus stop this afternoon.”
“Mommy said she’d pick me up at daycare but she never did.”
“That’s because she was dead.” As soon as the words tumbled out of my mouth I wanted to stuff them back inside. But it was too late. I have this habit of saying what I’m thinking out loud. It was never a problem before Piper came into my life. I didn’t even know I had a sister until Linda… er, my mom from whom I’d been estranged… died. And now that I’m trying to raise Piper on my own, something I’ve only been doing for a few months, I’m drowning in this new territory, saying things out loud that I shouldn’t and making Piper sad.
Believe me, being a parent is the last thing I wanted, but I hated the alternative even more – putting Piper in foster care. I knew what that was like. I’d spent my childhood in and out of foster homes. I’ll never forget the day I was taken from my home for the first time. I was about Piper’s age and I came home from school to find a strange lady and two policemen at the apartment. Mom was sitting on the couch surrounded by empty bottles of vodka. Her hair was messy and she smelled like she’d been rooting around in the dumpster outside.
“Hi, Rachel,” the tall lady in the black pants and jacket had said. “My name is Miss Helen and I’m going to take you to another place to live for a while.”
“But what about Mommy?”
“We are going to get your mommy some help. And while she’s getting help, you’ll live with a wonderful woman. Her name is Miss Evelyn and she lives in a big house on the other side of town. Is that all right with you?”
I’d bitten my lower lip. “Will she feed me?”
“Yes, of course she’ll feed you. And she’ll make sure you get a bath and brush your hair and help you with your schoolwork. And when your mommy is better, you can come back here to live.”
I loved Miss Evelyn. Her home was the only home I ever felt safe in. It’s also where I met my best friend, Claire. She came to live with Miss Evelyn about a month after I did. We both wished we could live with her forever.
I looked at Piper. Her blue eyes turned glassy and her heart-shaped chin wobbled.
“Sorry, Piper. That came out wrong. I’ll be at the bus stop when you come home. Promise.”
Piper didn’t ask any more questions and managed to finish most of her cereal before we headed for the bus stop in front of the entrance to our apartment complex. I definitely felt out of place standing beside all of the moms and dads. I kept hearing in my head, “One of these things is not like the others. One of these things just doesn’t belong.”
Me, that’s who. I didn’t belong. I had a life. A decent life before I got the phone call that changed it forever.
I watched as parents pulled out their cellphones to take first-day-of-school photos. I imagined Facebook feeds inundated with photos marking the special event. I didn’t want Piper to feel different or any less special, so I pulled out my phone and took a picture of her. I remembered my first day of school. Mom sent me to the bus stop – alone. She was nursing a hangover and never made it off the couch. She was everything a mom shouldn’t be. Her drinking only got worse the older I got. She went into rehab when I left and got sober. Then Piper came along. A new beginning. She had a chance to be the kind of mom she should’ve been to me. Only it didn’t last. Good things rarely do.
Piper tugged on my shirt. I looked down. “What?”
“I have to pee.”
I sighed. “Really? You can’t hold it?”
She shook her head and her blonde curls bounced.
“Come on.” I grabbed her hand and turned to walk back to the apartment. Just then I heard the bus screech as it rounded the corner. I was not happy. I had to get to work and now I’d have to take Piper to school.
“I told you to go to the potty before we left.”
“I didn’t have to go then.”
I opened our apartment door and marched her inside. “Go.”
“And then I can stay home with you, right?”
I counted to ten, trying to keep myself from blowing up. “No, you can’t. You have to go to school. It’s the law. If you don’t go to school, I’ll get in trouble. Now go pee so we can go.”
“I don’t have to pee anymore.”
“Damn it, Piper!”
She folded her arms. “You said a bad word.”
“And I’m going to say more bad words if you ever pull another stunt like this again.”
I grabbed my keys and purse and marched her out to the car. Piper squirmed in her seat as I yanked the seatbelt and buckled her in, tugging on the strap to make sure it was secure.
I was so mad that I didn’t talk for the first mile. But then I started to feel bad because I really wanted Piper to have a good first day and it’d started out all wrong. I looked over at her. “Sorry, Piper. Look. Don’t do that again, okay? Don’t tell me you have to pee when you really don’t. I know you’re worried about school but I think you’ll like it. You’re smart and friendly and you color better than any five-year-old I know. I’ll be at the bus stop when you come home. Promise.”
Piper sniffed. “I didn’t mean to make you mad.”
I reached over and patted her shoulder. “I know you didn’t, but when you do stuff like that it makes my life more difficult. And it’s difficult enough.”
“Sorry, Rachel.”
“So you’re not going to lie ever again, right?”
Piper nodded.
“Remember the story I told you about the little boy who cried wolf? When a real wolf came, no one believed him because he’d lied so many times before. Don’t be like that little boy. Don’t tell me you have to pee when you don’t.”
Piper squirmed in her seat. “I won’t.”
“Promise?”
“Promise.”
I pulled into the school parking lot, busy with buses pulling in and out. I found a spot near the playground. “Look at the swings and the slide and monkey bars. They look like fun.”
Piper peeked out of the window in the direction I’d pointed. Her tiny bow lips curved slightly upward. “Maybe I can swing today.”
I patted her knee. “Maybe. I’m sure you’ll have lots of fun surprises today. Ready?”
She nodded and I got out of the car and walked around to her side and opened the door. She crawled out and I helped her put on her Pink Princess backpack, positioning the glittery straps over her narrow shoulders. We’d started walking toward the main entrance when I felt her delicate hand brush against mine. I wrapped my fingers around hers and we walked hand in hand into the building.
The office was bustling with parents coming and going. We stood in line behind a tall man in a suit and a girl who looked to be about Piper’s age. The girl stared at Piper, her black eyes swallowing her pretty face. She flashed a bright white smile at Piper and Piper turned toward me, mushing her tiny body against my leg. I smiled. “Hi. What’s your name?”
She mashed her lips together as if she was trying to keep from talking.
The man she was with turned around and smiled. “Go ahead, tell the nice lady what your name is.”
She looked up at the man, the tiny black braids hugging her head flopping about.
He arched his eyebrows and nodded. “Don’t be rude. Answer the mother’s question.”
I gasped. It wasn’t the first time I’d been mistaken for Piper’s mother, but it still made me catch my breath, especially since the last time had ended in Piper having a meltdown.
“I’m not her mother,” I explained. “I’m her sister.”
The man extended his hand. “My apologies. This is Jacy.” He patted the girl on her shoulder. And I’m Marcus.”
I shook his hand. “Nice to meet you. I’m Rachel and this is Piper.”
“I like your hair,” Piper told Jacy.
Jacy smiled. “I like yours, too.”
By luck, it turned out the girls had the same teacher and an aide came to take them to their room. I squatted so I was eye to eye with Piper. “Now remember to keep your special ID necklace on. That way the helpers can make sure you get on the right bus.”
“And you’ll be at the bus stop, right?”
“Right. Just like I promised.”
Marcus smiled and we watched the girls walk with the aide. Jacy reached over and took Piper’s hand.
“It looks like the girls made at least one new friend today,” I said.
Marcus smiled. “That’s good. Jacy was worried she wouldn’t make any friends.”
“Piper, too. I’m glad we ended up in line behind you.”
Marcus and I walked out of the school building together, exchanging some more small talk about the weather. My phone buzzed. I pulled it out of my purse and read the text. It was from Claire.
Free tonight? How about happy hour at White Rose?
I texted back.
Can’t. Piper’s first day of school.
She responded.
K. Another time maybe? Miss you!
Yeah, sure, I thought. Another time. But we both knew there probably wouldn’t be another time. I had Piper now. Everything was different. I exhaled a heavy sigh. I missed my old life, the one where I was attending college and bartending at Jack’s. I was only a few classes shy of earning my social work degree when I learned Mom had died. So I dropped out of college, hoping to return one day, and scrambled to find a day job so I could take care of Piper.
Mom’s best friend, Judy, who had tracked me down when Mom died, hooked me up with a cleaning agency. She knew the owner, who was looking for help. I wasn’t crazy about cleaning, but the money was good and I could work around Piper’s schedule. I needed that kind of flexibility.
I looked into my rearview mirror and put the car in reverse, slowly pulling out. Damn, Mom, I thought. Why’d you have to die?
I hadn’t realized how expensive it was to raise a child. Mom left us a few dollars in her bank account, barely enough to cover the cost of her funeral. And who knew when we’d have enough to buy her a tombstone. Probably never. I hate saying this, but it wasn’t at the top of my shopping list. There were too many other things we needed. Or rather Piper needed. Shoes. Clothing. And food.
The traffic was backed up from an accident and it was taking me longer to get to my cleaning job than I’d planned. I was at a standstill between exits on the interstate so I called Claire. When she answered, I could tell by the sound of her voice she was still in bed. “I thought you’d be up by now.”