Turned
She could not stop thinking about Jonah.
She wondered if she had acted like an idiot in the cafeteria. She had stumbled over her words; she barely even asked him any questions. All she could think of to ask him was about that stupid viola. She should have asked where he lived, where he was from, where he was applying to college.
Most of all, if he had a girlfriend. Someone like him had to be dating someone.
Just at that moment, a pretty, well-dressed Hispanic girl brushed by Caitlin. Caitlin looked her up and down as she passed, and wondered for a second if it was her.
Caitlin turned down 134th street, and for a second, forgot where she was going. She’d never walked home from school before, and for a moment, she blanked on where her new apartment was. She stood there on the corner, disoriented. A cloud covered the sun and a strong wind picked up, and she suddenly felt cold again.
“Hey, amiga!”
Caitlin turned, and realized she was standing in front of a filthy, corner bodega. Four seedy men sat in plastic chairs before it, seemingly oblivious to the cold, grinning at her as if she were their next meal.
“Come over here, baby!” yelled another.
She remembered.
132nd street. That’s it.
She quickly turned and walked at a brisk pace down another side street. She checked over her shoulder a few times to see if those men were following her. Luckily, they weren’t.
The cold wind stung her cheeks and woke her up, as the harsh reality of her new neighborhood started to sink in. She looked around at the abandoned cars, the graffitied walls, the barbed-wire, the bars on all the windows, and she suddenly felt very alone. And very afraid.
It was only 3 more blocks to her apartment, but it felt like a lifetime away. She wished she had a friend at her side – even better, Jonah – and she wondered if she could manage this walk alone every day. Once again, she felt angry at her Mom. How could she keep moving her, keep putting her in new places that she hated? When would it ever end?
Broken glass.
Caitlin’s heart beat faster as she saw some activity up on the left, on the other side of the street. She walked quickly and tried to keep her head down, but as she got closer, she heard yells and grotesque laughter, and she couldn’t help but notice what was going on.
Four huge kids – 18 or 19, maybe – stood standing over another kid. Two of them held his arms, while the third stepped in and punched him in the gut, and the fourth stepped up and punched him in the face. The kid, maybe 17, tall, thin and defenseless, fell to the ground. Two of the boys stepped up and kicked him in the face.
Despite herself, Caitlin stopped and stared. She was horrified. She had never seen anything like it.
The other two kids took a few steps around their victim, then raised their boots high and brought them down.
Caitlin was afraid they were going to stomp the kid to death.
“NO!” she screamed.
There was a sick crunching sound as they brought their feet down.
But it wasn’t the sound of broken bone – rather, it was the sound of wood. Crunching wood. Caitlin saw that they were stomping a small, musical instrument. She looked closely, and saw bits and pieces of a viola all over the sidewalk.
She raised her hand to her mouth in horror.
“Jonah!?”
Without thinking, Caitlin crossed the street, right to the pack of guys, who had by now begun to notice her. They looked at her and their evil smiles broadened as they elbowed each other.
She walked right up to the victim and saw that it was indeed Jonah. His face was bleeding and bruised, and he was unconscious.
She looked up at the pack of kids, her anger overpowering her fear, and stood between Jonah and them.
“Leave him alone!” she shouted to the group.
The kid in the middle, at least six-four, muscular, laughed back.
“Or what?” he asked, his voice very deep.
Caitlin felt the world rush by her, and realized that she’d just been shoved hard from behind. She raised her elbows as she hit the concrete, but that barely cushioned her fall. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see her journal go flying, its loose papers spreading everywhere.
She heard laughter. And then footsteps, coming at her.
Heart pounding in her chest, her adrenaline kicked in. She managed to roll and scramble to her feet just before they reached her. She took off at a sprint down the alleyway, running for her life.
They followed close behind.
At one of her many schools, back when Caitlin thought she would have a long future somewhere, she took up Track, and realized she was good at it. The best on the team, actually. Not in long-distance, but in the 100 yard sprint. She could even outrun most of the guys. And now, it came flooding back to her.
She ran for her life, and the guys couldn’t catch her.
Caitlin glanced back and saw how far behind they were, and felt optimistic that she could outrun them all. She just had to make the right turns.
The alleyway ended in a T, and she could either turn left or right. She wouldn’t have time to change her decision if she wanted to maintain her lead, and she’d have to choose quick. She couldn’t see what was around each corner, though. Blindly, she turned left.
She prayed it was the right choice. Come on. Please!
Her heart stopped as she made a sharp left and saw the dead end before her.
Wrong move.
A dead end. She ran right up to the wall, scanning for an exit, any exit. Realizing there was none, she turned to face her approaching attackers.
Out of breath, she watched them turn the corner and approach. She could see over their shoulders that if she had turned right, she would have been home free. Of course. Just her luck.
“All right, bitch,” one of them said, “you’re gonna suffer now.”
Realizing she had no way out, they walked slowly towards her, breathing hard, grinning, and relishing the violence to come.
Caitlin closed her eyes and breathed deep. She tried to will Jonah to wake up, to appear around the corner, awake and all-powerful, ready to save her. But she opened her eyes and he wasn’t there. Only her attackers. Getting closer.
She thought of her Mom, of how she hated her, of all the places she’d been forced to live. She thought of her brother Sam. She thought of what her life would be like after this day.
She thought of her whole life, of how she’d always been treated, of how no one understood her, of how nothing ever went her way. And something clicked. Somehow, she had had enough.
I don’t deserve this. I DON’T deserve this!
And then, suddenly, she felt it.
It was a wave, something unlike anything she had ever experienced. It was a wave of rage, flooding through her, flushing her blood. It centered in her stomach, and spread from there. She could feel her feet rooted to the ground, as if she and the concrete were one, and could then feel a primal strength overcome her, course through her wrists, up her arms, into her shoulders.
Caitlin let out a primal roar that surprised and scared even her. As the first kid approached her and laid his beefy hand on her wrist, she watched as her hand reacted on its own, grabbing hold of her attacker’s wrist and twisting it backwards at a right angle. The kid’s face contorted in shock as his wrist, and then arm, were snapped in two.
He dropped to his knees, screaming.
The three other boys’ eyes opened wide in surprise.
The largest of the three charged right at her.
“You fuc – ”
Before he could finish, she had jumped up in the air and planted her two feet squarely in his chest, sending him flying back about ten feet and slamming into a stack of metal garbage cans.
He lay there, not moving.
The other two kids looked at each other, shocked. And truly scared.
Caitlin stepped up and, feeling an inhuman strength course through her, and heard herself snarl as she picked up the two kids (each twice her size), hoisting each several feet off the ground with a single hand.
As they hung dangling in the air, she swung them back, then swung them together, crushing each into the other with an incredible force. They both collapsed to the ground.
Caitlin stood there, breathing, foaming with rage.
All four boys were not moving.
She didn’t feel relieved. On the contrary, she wanted more. More kids to fight. More bodies to throw.
And she wanted something else.
She suddenly had crystal clear vision, and was able to zoom in on their necks, exposed. She could see down to the tenth of an inch, and she could see, from where she stood, the veins pulsing in each. She wanted to bite. To feed.
Not understanding what was happening to her, she tossed her head back and let out an unearthly shriek, echoing off the buildings and down the block. It was a primal shriek of victory, and of unfulfilled rage.
It was the shriek of an animal that wanted more.
Chapter Two
Caitlin stood before the door to her new apartment, staring, and suddenly realized where she was. She had no idea how she got there. The last thing she remembered, she’d been in the alley. Somehow, she’d got herself back home.
She remembered, though, every second of what happened in that alleyway. She tried to erase it from her mind, but couldn’t. She looked down at her arms and hands, expecting to see them look different – but they were normal. Just as they had always been. The rage had swept through her, transforming her, then had just as quickly left.
But the after-effects remained: she felt hollowed out, for one. Numb. And she felt something else. She couldn’t quite figure it. Images kept flashing through her mind, images of those bullies’ exposed necks. Of their heartbeat pulsing. And she felt a hunger. A craving.
Caitlin really didn’t want to return home. She didn’t want to deal with her Mom, especially today, didn’t want to deal with a new place, with unpacking. If it weren’t for Sam being in there, she may have just turned around and left. Where she’d go, she had no idea – but at least she’d be walking.
She took a deep breath and reached out and placed her hand on the knob. Either the knob was warm, or her hand was as cold as ice.
Caitlin entered the too-bright apartment. She could smell food on the stove – or probably, in the microwave. Sam. He always got home early and made himself dinner. Her Mom wouldn’t be home for hours.
“That doesn’t look like a good first day.”
Caitlin turned, shocked at the sound of her Mom’s voice. She sat there, on the couch, smoking a cigarette, already looking Caitlin up and down with scorn.
“What did ya, ruin that sweater already?”
Caitlin looked down and noticed for the first time the dirt stains; probably from hitting the cement.
“Why are you home so early?” Caitlin asked.
“First day for me, too, ya know,” she snapped. “You’re not the only one. Light workload. Boss sent me home early.”
Caitlin couldn’t take her Mom’s nasty tone. Not tonight. She was always being snotty towards her, and tonight, Caitlin had enough. She decided to give her a taste of her own medicine.
“Great,” Caitlin snapped back. “Does that mean we’re moving again?”
Her Mom suddenly jumped to her feet. “You watch that fresh mouth of yours!” she screamed.
Caitlin knew her Mom had just been waiting for an excuse to yell at her. She figured it was best to just bait her and get it over with.
“You shouldn’t smoke around Sam,” Caitlin answered coldly, then entered her tiny bedroom and slammed the door behind her, locking it.
Immediately, her Mom banged at the door.
“You come out here, you little brat! What kind of way is that to talk to your mother!? Who puts bread on your table….”
On this night, Caitlin, so distracted, was able to drown out her Mom’s voice. Instead, she replayed in her mind the day’s events. The sound of those kids’ laughter. The sound of her own heart pounding in her ears. The sound of her own roar.
What exactly had happened? How did she get such strength? Was it just an adrenaline rush? A part of her wished it was. But another part of her knew it wasn’t. What was she?
The banging on her door continued, but Caitlin barely heard it. Her cell sat on her desk, vibrating like crazy, lighting up with IMs, texts, emails, Facebook chats – but she barely heard that, too.
She moved to her tiny window and looked down at the corner of Amsterdam Ave, and a new sound rose in her mind. It was the sound of Jonah’s voice. The image of his smile. A low, deep, soothing voice. She recalled how delicate he was, how fragile he seemed. Then she saw him lying on the ground, bloody, his precious instrument in pieces. A fresh wave of anger arose.
Her anger morphed into worry – worry if he was all right, if he’d walked away, if he made it home. She imagined him calling to her. Caitlin. Caitlin.
“Caitlin?”
A new voice was outside her door. A boy’s voice.
Confused, she snapped out of it.
“It’s Sam. Let me in.”
She went to her door and leaned her head against it.
“Mom’s gone,” said the voice on the other side. “Went down for cigarettes. Come on, let me in.”
She opened the door.
Sam stood there, staring back, concern etched on his face. At 15, he looked older than his age. He’d grown early, to almost six feet, but he hadn’t filled out yet, and he was awkward and gangly. With black hair and brown eyes, his coloring was similar to hers. They definitely looked related. She could see the concern on his face. He loved her more than anything.
She let him in, quickly closing the door behind him.
“Sorry,” she said. “I just can’t deal with her tonight.”
“What happened with you two?”
“The usual. She was on me the second I walked in.”
“I think she had a hard day,” Sam said, trying to make peace between them, as always. “I hope they don’t fire her again.”
“Who cares? New York, Arizona, Texas… Who cares what’s next? Our moving won’t ever end.”
Sam frowned as he sat on her desk chair, and she immediately felt bad. She sometimes had a harsh tongue, spoke without thinking, and she wished she could take it back.
“How was your first day?” she asked, trying to change the subject.
He shrugged. “OK, I guess.” He toed the chair with his foot.
He looked up. “Yours?”
She shrugged. There must have been something in her expression, because he didn’t look away. He kept looking at her.
“What happened?”
“Nothing,” she said defensively, and turned and walked towards the window.
She could feel him watching her.
“You seem… different.”
She paused, wondering if he knew, wondering if her outside appearance showed any changes. She swallowed.
“How?”
Silence.
“I don’t know,” he finally answered.
She stared out the window, watching aimlessly as a man outside the corner bodega slipped a buyer a dime bag.
“I hate this new place,” he said.
She turned and faced him.
“So do I.”
“I was even thinking about…” he lowered his head, “… taking off.”
“What do you mean?”
He shrugged.
She looked at him. He seemed really depressed.
“Where?” she asked.
“Maybe… track down Dad.”
“How? We have no idea where he is.”
“I could try. I could find him.”
“How?”
“I don’t know…. But I could try.”
“Sam. He could be dead for all we know.”
“Don’t say that!” he yelled, and his face turned bright red.
“Sorry,” she said.
He calmed back down.
“But did you ever consider that, even if we found him, he may not even want to see us? After all, he left. And he’s never tried to get in touch.”
“Maybe cause Mom won’t let him.”
“Or maybe cause he just doesn’t like us.”
Sam’s frown deepened as he toed the floor again. “I looked him up on Facebook.”
Caitlin’s eyes opened wide in surprise.
“You found him?”
“I’m not sure. There were 4 people with his name. 2 of them were private and had no picture. I sent them both a message.”
“And?”
Sam shook his head.
“I haven’t heard anything back.”
“Dad would not be on Facebook.”
“You don’t know that,” he answered, once again defensive.
Caitlin sighed and walked over to her bed and lay down. She stared up at the yellowing ceiling, paint peeling, and wondered how they all had reached this point. There were towns they’d been happy in, even times when their Mom seemed almost happy. Like when she was dating that guy. Happy enough, at least, to leave Caitlin alone.
There were towns, like the last one, where she and Sam both made a few good friends, where it seemed like they might actually stay – at least long enough to graduate in one place. And then it all seemed to turn so fast. Packing again. Saying goodbyes. Was it too much to ask for a normal childhood?
“I could move back to Oakville,” Sam said suddenly, interrupting her thoughts. Their last town. It was uncanny how he always knew exactly what she was thinking. “I could stay with friends.”
The day was getting to her. It was just too much. She wasn’t thinking clearly, and in her frustration, what she was hearing was that Sam was getting ready to abandon her, too, that he didn’t really care about her anymore.
“Then go!” she suddenly snapped, without meaning to. It was as if someone else had said it. She heard the harshness in her own voice, and immediately regretted it.
Why did she just have to blurt things out like that? Why couldn’t she control herself?
If she’d been in a better mood, if she’d been calmer and hadn’t had so much thrown at her at once, she wouldn’t have said it. Or she would have been nicer. She would have said something like, I know what you’re trying to say is that you’d never leave this place, no matter how bad it got, because you wouldn’t leave me alone to deal with all this. And I love you for it. And I’d never abandon you either. In this messed up childhood of ours, at least we have each other. Instead, her mood had gotten the worst of her. Instead, she acted selfish, and snapped.
She sat up and could see the hurt etched on his face. She wanted to take it back, to say she was sorry, but she was just too overwhelmed. Somehow, she couldn’t get herself to open her mouth.
In the silence, Sam slowly stood up from her desk chair and exited the room, gently closing the door behind him.
Idiot, she thought. You’re such an idiot. Why do you have to treat him the same way Mom treats you?
She lay back down, staring at the ceiling. She realized that there was another reason she snapped. He’d interrupted her thoughts, and he’d done so just at a moment when they were turning for the worse. A dark thought had crossed her mind, and he’d cut her off before she’d had a chance to resolve it.
Her Mom ‘s ex-boyfriend. Three towns ago. It had been the one time her Mom had actually seemed happy. Frank. 50. Short, beefy, balding. Thick as a log. Smelled like cheap cologne. She had been 16.
She had been standing in the tiny laundry room, folding her clothes, when Frank appeared at the door. He was such a creep, always staring at her. He reached down and picked up a pair of her underwear, and she could feel her cheeks flush in embarrassment and anger. He held them up and grinned.
“Dropped these,” he said, grinning. She’d snatched them out of his hands.
“What do you want?” she’d snapped back.
“Is that any way to talk to your new step-dad?”
He took a half step closer.
“You’re not my step-dad.”
“But I will be – soon.”
She tried to go back to folding her clothes, but he took another step closer. Too close. Her heart pounded in her chest.
“I think it’s time we got to know each other a little bit better,” he’d said, removing his belt. “Don’t you?”
Horrified, she tried to squeeze past him and out the door in the small room, but as she did, he blocked her way, and roughly grabbed her and slammed her back against the wall.
That’s when it happened.
A rage had flooded through her. A rage unlike anything she’d ever experienced. She felt her body heating up, on fire, from her toes to her scalp. As he approached her, she jumped straight up and kicked him, planting both feet squarely on his chest.
Despite being a third of his size, he flew backwards through the door, cracking the wood off its hinges, and kept going, ten feet into the next room. It was as if a cannon had blasted him through the house.
Caitlin had stood there, trembling. She had never been a violent person, had never so much as punched someone. Moreover, she was not that big, or strong. How had she known had to kick him like that? How had she even had the strength to do it? She had never seen anyone – much less a grown man – go flying through the air, or shatter a door. Where had her strength come from?
She had walked over to him, and stood over him.
He was knocked out cold, flat on his back. She wondered if she’d killed him. But at that moment, the rage still filling her, she didn’t really care. She was more worried about herself, about who – or what – she really was.
She never saw Frank again. He broke up with her Mom the next day, and never came back. Her Mom had suspected something happened between the two of them, but she never said a word. She did, though, blame Caitlin for the breakup, for ruining the one happy time in her life. And she hadn’t stopped blaming her since.
Caitlin looked back up at her peeling ceiling, heart pounding all over again. She thought of today’s rage, and wondered if the two episodes were connected. She had always assumed that Frank had just been a crazy, isolated incident, some weird burst of strength. But now she wondered if it was something more. Was there some kind of power inside of her? Was she some kind of freak?
Who was she?
Chapter Three
Caitlin ran. The bullies were back, and they were chasing her down the alleyway. A dead end lay before her, a massive wall, but she ran anyway, right towards it. As she ran, she picked up speed, impossible speed, and the buildings flew by in a blur. She could feel the wind rushing through her hair.
As she got closer, she leapt, and in a single bound she was at the top of the wall, thirty feet high. One more leap, and she flew through the air again, thirty feet, twenty, landing on the concrete without losing a stride, still running, running. She felt powerful, invincible. Her speed increased even more, and she felt like she could fly.
She looked down and before her eyes the concrete changed to grass – tall, swaying, green grass. She ran through a prairie, the sun shining, and she recognized it as the home of her early childhood.
In the distance, she could sense that her father stood on the horizon. As she ran, she felt she was getting closer to him. She saw him coming into focus. He stood with a large smile, and arms spread wide.
She ached to see him again. She ran for all she was worth. But as she got closer, he got further away.
Suddenly, she was falling.
A huge, medieval door opened, and she entered a church. She walked down a dimly-lit aisle, torches burning on either side of her. Before a pulpit, a man stood with his back to her, kneeling. As she got closer, he stood and turned.
It was a priest. He looked at her, and his face filled with fear. She felt the blood coursing through her veins, and she watched herself as she approached him, unable to stop herself. He raised a cross to her face, afraid.
She pounced on him. She felt her teeth grow long, too long, and watched as they plunged into the priest’s neck.
He shrieked, but she didn’t care. She felt his blood course through her teeth and into her veins, and it was the greatest feeling of her life.
Caitlin sat straight up in bed, breathing hard. She looked all around her, disoriented. Harsh morning sunlight streamed in.
Finally, she realized she had been dreaming. She wiped the cool sweat from her temples and sat on the edge of her bed.
Silence. Judging from the light, Sam and her Mom must have already left. She looked at the clock and saw that it was indeed late: 8:15. She’d be late for her second day of school.
Perfect.
She was surprised that Sam hadn’t woken her up. In all their years, he’d never let her oversleep – he’d always wake her if he was leaving first.