Slowly We Die
“You said ‘shit,’” she said.
“Don’t say that word.”
“But you just did.”
“We shouldn’t say ugly words.”
“Why did you do it, then?”
“Because I hurt my foot.”
“Don’t we say ‘ow’ then?”
“Yes, but sometimes we say ugly words when we hurt ourselves or when we’re angry or tired.”
“Why?”
“Because. Now, my curious little monkey, it’s time for you to sleep.”
Henrik pulled the covers up to her chin and kissed her on the forehead. He closed the door quietly.
Emma turned toward him as he returned to their bedroom.
They hugged with Vilgot between them.
“Hi,” Henrik said. “You look beautiful.”
“Thanks,” Emma whispered.
Henrik laid his hand gently on Vilgot’s little head.
“Did you have a good day today?”
“No. Vilgot’s not sleeping enough. I remember both Felix and Vilma could sleep a few hours in a row by this point. Vilgot hardly sleeps more than fifteen minutes at a time, it seems. I don’t get anything done during the day. I have no idea how I’m going to be able to plan this move.”
“Don’t worry about it. The movers are coming a week from Friday, and the cleaners come the weekend after that. All we have to do is pack.”
“It’s a little more than ‘all we have to do,’” she said, rocking the baby in her arms. “I feel so stressed. When I walk around the house, all I see is all the stuff that needs to be done. You don’t see it day in and day out.”
“I know,” he said. “But I have a few other things to think about right now. A man accused of murder escaped from the hospital today.”
“From the hospital?” Emma asked, looking at him. “Who?”
“Do you remember Danilo Peña?”
“Yes, of course. He escaped?”
“Yes.”
“Oh dear,” she said. “And you’re searching for him, I assume.”
“Yes, everywhere.”
“Around the clock?”
Henrik met her gaze.
“Yes.”
“So I’m going to have to take care of the move myself,” she said.
“Not necessarily.”
Henrik let his eyes drift to the floor, seeing the scene before him again. The ambushed male nurse with the syringe stuck in his chest, the bloody fingerprints, the guard beaten and tied up in the closet. A violent criminal on the loose.
Vilgot whimpered, bringing Henrik back to reality.
“Let me take him now,” he said to Emma.
“Are you sure?”
“You need to eat.”
“What about you?”
“I’ll eat after you do.”
Emma padded out of the bedroom.
Henrik shifted Vilgot in his arms and rocked him. He felt the baby’s tiny hands and stroked his soft head. Then he let his gaze wander around the room, and his thoughts returned to Danilo Peña.
A shiver suddenly went down his spine, as if someone were watching him from behind. He turned and looked out the window toward the dark yard. The glow from the closest streetlight stretched over the smooth lawn to the open area in front of their townhouse.
He couldn’t put a finger on his sudden uneasiness, but something made an icy chill creep up his spine when he thought about Danilo Peña out there somewhere.
He looked at Vilgot again and saw that the baby was asleep. His heart was pounding as he laid him in the crib. Then he left the bedroom and went downstairs, going first to the entryway and checking that the front door was locked.
Not just once.
Twice.
* * *
The tomato soup was simmering in the kitchen.
Jana Berzelius left the pot on the induction cooktop and reduced the temperature. She still wasn’t hungry, but she thought she should probably eat something anyway. She pulled the hollow-edged carving knife out of the knife block, cut a thick slice of leftover sourdough baguette and stuffed a piece of it into her mouth as she flipped through channels on the wall-mounted television in her kitchen to find the news station.
As she removed the simmering soup from the cooktop to the counter, she heard her cell phone ring from the bedroom. When she went and picked it up, she saw a familiar name.
Twice earlier that day she had ignored Per. This time, she knew she had to answer. She put the phone to her ear as she walked back to the kitchen.
“I think you’re avoiding me,” he said loudly to compensate for the noise in the background.
“What makes you think that?” she asked.
“Well, first of all, you didn’t let me into your office today. Second, you haven’t answered my voice mail.”
“I’ve been busy. Something came up that...”
“I can hardly hear you,” he interrupted.
“It was nothing,” she said.
“I waited for you to come back, anyway.”
Jana sighed, opened a cupboard and stretched on her tiptoes to reach a soup bowl.
“Why is that?” she asked.
“I was going to tell you something about a person in whom you might be interested...”
“A person?”
“Yes, a person who is now an escapee.”
“And who is that?” she said.
“Danilo Peña.”
The bowl slipped from her hands and broke on the tile floor. She tried to process the significance of Per’s words, but it was hard to compose her thoughts as they raced around in her head. What? How had her nemesis, Danilo, escaped? It couldn’t be true. Per must have said the wrong name, she thought.
“Could you say that again?” she said in an attempt to stay calm.
“You remember Danilo Peña, right?” he asked. “The Thai women, narcotics smuggling?”
“I remember,” she said curtly.
“He escaped from the hospital today.”
She leaned forward, supporting herself with her hand on the kitchen counter.
“And what are the police saying?” she asked.
“At the moment they have no knowledge of where he could be but believe that he’s still in town. I’d love to tell you more over dinner.”
“Dinner?” she asked.
“Yes—I left you a message about dinner. Asking if you’d like to come to my place for filet mignon tonight.”
“Oh, well...I don’t think that’s such a good idea.”
“But you have to...”
“...eat, I know.”
Suddenly, she heard something knocking and stiffened. Slowly, she went out of the kitchen, looked down the dark hallway at the jackets and shoes and then into the bedroom.
“Hello?” Per said.
“Yes?” she replied.
“You don’t even have to walk. I can come and get you, and later I’ll drive you home.”
“It’s only a mile, Per.”
“How can you say no to filet mignon?”
“I don’t know...” she said, walking back to the kitchen. The light from the television colored the tile floor red, blue and white.
“I have a hard time understanding you sometimes,” he said, and she realized she’d fallen silent again.
“We’ll talk tomorrow,” she said, hanging up.
She looked at the remains of the broken dish and picked them up, one after another, and tossed them in the garbage.
Then she stood at the kitchen counter to cut another piece of bread, but the knife wasn’t there.
She looked around, thinking that maybe she had put the knife back in the block, but the slot was empty.
She muted the television. She listened carefully to the sounds of the apartment, but she heard only her own breathing.
Her hand steady, she took a second knife from the block, gripped it securely and moved slowly toward the dark entrance to the living room.
The adrenaline pulsed through her body and heightened her senses, as she became more and more convinced that she wasn’t alone in the apartment.
Her eyes scanned around the living room, seeing the contours of furniture, and then the wall. She hesitated for just a moment before reaching out and flipping the light on.
What she saw made her blood freeze.
She stood still, unable to move, not fully comprehending what she was looking at.
The man on the sofa smiled at her.
“So we meet again,” he said.
Danilo.
CHAPTER
FOUR
HER BLACK NYLON skirt had inched up too high around her waist. She yanked it down, knowing it was far too short to be appropriate, but at Harry’s, no one cared about appropriateness. They only cared about long, sexy legs.
Which Mia Bolander had known for a long time that she didn’t have.
But she had a pretty smile!
Her teeth were chattering as she crossed the tram tracks. She hadn’t bothered wearing a jacket. The fee for the coat check was too high—three dollars a night would add up to a significant monthly expenditure.
The chilly evening breeze played with her hair as she turned off Sandgatan. She looked at the construction cranes standing there and thought about how the naked blocks of concrete would soon become incredibly expensive condos. The ground floor was reserved for businesses and was sure to contain a pizzeria.
How fucking original.
Her fingers had become frozen stiff by the time she passed Strömparken. She tried imagining she was in some warm country like Spain, on the way to a club or bar without having to freeze her ass off.
Another five minutes and she had finally arrived.
There was a throng of people outside Harry’s. She estimated maybe thirty people were waiting in line. Men and women with low shoes and high heels, tight shirts and plunging necklines, torn jeans and sparkly dresses.
A good night, in other words.
Mia pushed her way forward, and the bouncer waved her in. A few people whistled and muttered when she went past. She was a single woman moving slowly forward through a crowd, and in that moment, she was relishing the attention.
Men noticed her.
The music was deafening when she entered the bar. She worked her way in and studied a small group of about ten people, mostly men.
She kept her distance, watching them silently but with a wide smile on her face. She let her gaze rest on each of them for a few seconds, and prepared for the questions she could ask. It wasn’t a problem if a guy had a ring on his finger or mentioned children—quite the opposite, really. It could lead to more questions, like: What are your kids’ names? Are they twins? How old are they? Do they go to day care? What’s your wife’s name? How long have you been married?
And she knew that she would hear that the man in question was heavily dependent on his wife, who was a gifted graphic designer, or that he worshipped his twin sons, or that he had had two surgeries on his leg and liked model airplanes.
That was okay. Most just wanted to talk—about themselves. And those who did were the easiest prey.
The worst were the guys who showed off their muscles at every opportunity. She always avoided that type.
She also avoided talking about herself. But she did answer questions asked of her. It was important to be polite and pleasant.
And to smile.
It would be an exaggeration to claim that Mia Bolander was looking for steady companionship. She didn’t want it to seem that way, at least. There was a certain level of turnover, and the men that she couldn’t stand after the first night were sifted out. And those who got to go home with her more than once usually fell into the category of “ugly and horny.”
Maybe tonight would be different?
She straightened her back, stuck her chest out and smiled even more broadly.
She was exhilarated and ready.
She prepared herself for the most important question of the night—and her answer.
Do you want to fuck?
Hell yes!
* * *
Her robe had opened so that her bra was showing. But Jana Berzelius didn’t move. She didn’t dare take her eyes off Danilo.
His beard had grown out, and his hair was an inch or so longer. It covered the letters carved into his neck, similar to her own. He was wearing scrubs and white sneakers. A bag sat on the floor in front of him.
“What are you doing here?” she asked.
He just stood up and walked toward her, his jaw clenched. She saw that he had the carving knife in his hand, and she gripped her own knife more firmly. She took a few steps backward, trying to maintain the distance between them, staying prepared.
“You deserted me at the boathouse,” he said, referring to the last time they’d encountered each other in a manhunt.
She didn’t answer. She didn’t want to fan the hatred she knew he already felt for her. Before the police had arrived to the boathouse in Arkösund, she had gotten into a fight with him. She had sought him out at that cold place just to put him away for good. But when he’d told her he was working with her father, she had to restrain herself. And she had left him, wounded, yet alive in the snow.
The expression on Danilo’s face changed. His eyes darkened.
“I just want to show you how I feel about that,” he said, approaching her, the knife held threateningly in his hand.
The attack came quickly.
She raised her left arm to block. It burned as the sharp knife sliced her upper arm.
She dropped her knife but kept her eyes locked on him, saw him advancing again. Then all of her senses awoke at once. With a yell, she kicked the coffee table over and pushed it forward until Danilo was on the floor with the white tabletop over him, surrounded by overturned candles and a broken vase.
She attacked, hitting him in the face with brutal force.
He answered by forcing her and the tabletop off him, coming to his feet. She shook off her robe, grabbed her knife and jabbed toward his neck. But he had executed the exact same movement, and they froze with their arms parallel.
They stood eye to eye.
Her knife was against his neck. His was against hers.
“We have a problem,” he said. “You want to see me dead. I want to see you dead. So what do we do?”
She was breathing heavily, yet noticed the beads of sweat that had formed at his temples.
They were standing far too close to each other, which made it difficult to anticipate his next movement.
“I don’t know,” she said. “I don’t see any good reason not to kill you.”
“I can give you one,” he said.
She looked at him. She felt the urge to make her final attack, but something was stopping her.
The blood ran in rivulets from the wound on her arm, dripping from her elbow to the floor.
“The boxes,” he said. “Your journals, your notes, your identity.”
She looked at him. His facial expression changed, and he lowered his knife toward the floor and looked at her calmly.
She attempted to process the situation. She hadn’t been prepared for him to retreat, so she waited a few seconds before taking two steps back and lowering her knife, as well.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she said.
“Yes, you do. And I know you want them back.”
“You don’t know anything,” she said, picking her robe up from the floor without taking her eyes off him. The wound on her arm stung as she pulled the fabric over it.
“It just so happens that I do,” he said.
She tied the belt as tightly as she could around her waist and gripped the knife again.
“What exactly do you want?”
“I thought we could exchange services.”
“Exchange what?”
“Your boxes—the ones that hold your secrets—for you letting me stay here.”
“What?”
“I’ll give you your boxes back, safe and secure, and you’ll let me stay here.”
“Are you serious?”
“Yes.”
“That’s not possible.”
“Why not?”
“You’re a wanted man, Danilo. The police are searching all over for you.”
“I’m aware of that, and that’s why this is the best place to hide.”
She felt her irritation growing and was having a hard time standing still.
“No,” she said, shaking her head.
“I’ll stay here until things have calmed down a little,” he said. “You’re a prosecutor. No one will suspect you.”
“It won’t work! Don’t you understand? It’s impossible!”
“You want your boxes back, right? They contain your letters, journals, evidence of things that could destroy you...”
“You’re forgetting something. They contain information about you, too.”
“But I’m the one who has them, and I don’t care about my reputation. If you don’t let me stay here, I’ll make sure to send the contents to everyone who might be interested in getting to know the real you.”
“You can’t.”
“Karl wouldn’t like the truth coming out, either. Think about what he’s done to you, to me, and all the other children who came here in those shipping containers. He has marked us as his own. Your adoptive father is evil personified. And you have been complicit in not turning him in to the police. Think about every one of his guilty cronies he has protected, all of the court cases he has manipulated, think about...”
“You’re a part of all of that.”
“And?”
“Is that all you have to say?”
“For me, there is no alternative,” Danilo said. “Once I was victimized, I didn’t have a wealthy family that adopted me, redeemed me, gave me an education, a job, a future. You’ve been handed everything on a silver platter, Ker.”
“Don’t call me that name.”
“All you have to do, if you don’t want anyone to find out about your complicit past, is let me stay here.”
She took a step forward, trying to breathe more calmly, but the aggression held her in its iron grip.
“If they do catch me,” Danilo said, “you can say goodbye to your job as prosecutor, goodbye to your luxury apartment, goodbye to your freedom...”
She examined his face, searching for any clues that he was bluffing, but he looked perfectly calm.
“You’re lying,” she said. “You don’t have the boxes. You don’t even know where they are!”
“I do.”
“My father has them! He took them.”
“Wrong, Jana. Your father and I took them together.”
“Why should I believe you? Out at Arkösund, when I asked you, you said you didn’t know anything.”
“Oh, but I did.”
Jana looked at him, breathing rapidly.
“Now I understand why my father saw you as a risk,” she said, “why he wanted you gone.”
“Maybe so, but now I’m the only one who knows where the boxes are and can get to them.”
Jana’s eyes narrowed.
“I still don’t believe you,” she said.
“You don’t believe me?”
“Prove it to me.”
The smile disappeared from his lips.
“Do you really think that I would bring them here, all wrapped up with a big bow on top? Think again.”
“I want proof that you have them.”
“You’re just trying to buy time.”
“That, too.”
Danilo stood silently for a moment before walking toward her.
She stood completely still, unmoving, feeling her muscles tense as he approached. She let him come closer but was ready with the knife.
He leaned forward, hissing in her face.
“Is this proof enough for you?” he asked, pulling a torn piece of paper from his pocket.
She grabbed the paper and stared at it. It was a page of her journal that contained her own words, she saw, written by her child’s hand many years ago.
“I’m staying here,” he said, “and there’s nothing you can do about it.”
She gripped the knife tightly in her hand, wanting desperately to use it, but she knew that she had to release both the knife and the urge to destroy him.
Danilo was right. There wasn’t anything she could do.
Not right now.
August 22
Dear Diary,
It started by first break today.
Martin and I hid in a corner of the schoolyard. Everyone else from class stared at me so strangely. They whispered and pointed and laughed.
I told Martin that we should go back into class. But when we opened the door, the teacher said that we couldn’t be inside during recess. So we went back out and huddled in the corner.
They kept it up during history lesson.
While Holger wrote the names of the Swedish kings on the whiteboard with marker, others started whispering. It began in the far back of the room, with Camilla and Markus, then traveled through the room. The longer Holger stood at the board, the more the gossip spread. Everyone listened and giggled before whispering to the next student.
When it was finally my turn to listen, Linus leaned toward me and said softly: “You are a disgusting freak.”
I didn’t say anything. I knew they wanted me to react, but I didn’t. I just looked at Holger and tried to forget about everyone staring at me, about the mean words they said. But it was hard.
In the afternoon, I went to the hospital with my mother. It was time for yet another of her physical exams. I thought it smelled good in there, but I didn’t tell anyone that.
I didn’t say anything at all the whole time we were there. I just looked at the doctor, at his pale face. He tried to say he was sorry, that he understood that it could be confusing, that he knew that it wouldn’t help, that it was highly unusual for an operation like the one my mother recently had to go wrong.
But how could I forgive him? He’d taken my whole world away from me.
The doctor had no answers; he sat with his head down. He couldn’t say anything definite about the future. But he believed my mom would be okay.
Mom didn’t think so. I could tell in her face, in her eyes. But she didn’t admit that to me.
Don’t worry, she said as we left the hospital. She said it again just a minute ago, too, before she went to sleep.
I’m also going to bed now, because tomorrow is a new day. A new shitty school day.
CHAPTER
FIVE
Thursday
AIDA NORBERG, HAVING recently graduated from school, was on the morning bus heading home after working her overnight shift at McDonald’s. Sitting beside her was her coworker Melvin Axelsson. Melvin was babbling on and on about how tired he was because he’d been running around for hours and hadn’t even had the chance to drink anything his whole shift.
“Hello? We work in a total sauna. How the hell do you stand it?” he said to her.
She didn’t respond. She let him continue complaining as she looked out the bus window. The glass was scratched and dirty, but she could make out the contours of people walking along the street.
At Eneby Center, she said goodbye to Melvin and stepped off the bus. She could see her neighborhood more clearly now: children on scooters, businessmen in cars, students with backpacks.
She pulled out her cell phone and began walking down the street. She opened the newest version of Instagram and scrolled through the new filters, thinking how it wasn’t very different from previous versions.
She selected another app.
Facebook, always Facebook.
Someone had added her to a group called Feminist Perspectives. She didn’t want to be part of anything like that. She decided she would leave the group as soon as she had a chance. But for now, she was across the street from home, and it could wait.
A yellow-and-green tram went by, and garbage swirled around in its wake. She put her cell phone back into her pocket, crossed the tram tracks and went into the courtyard between two apartment buildings. She stopped outside the entrance to her building and looked up at the dark windows of her family’s apartment. As usual, she felt anxious about coming home. Would it be yet another day of her mother’s pitiful crying, followed by prolonged silence?
She didn’t want her days to be like this.
Aida stood outside for a moment, trying to collect her thoughts. She had dreamed of getting her own place. Many of her friends already had their own apartments—studios, mostly, with kitchenettes. But it was one thing to leave home by yourself, and something completely different to leave behind your little sister.
She went upstairs and put her key in the door, and was just about to turn it when she realized that the door was already unlocked. Her forehead wrinkled in concern as she stepped into the apartment.