Almost A Bride

The last straw had been wedding jitters mixed with her father warning her that marrying Gray would be the biggest mistake of her life. The look on her dad’s face when she stood at the altar had left her hyperventilating and sweating in her wedding dress. Her controlling father had been the one person she’d rebelled against and the last man she wanted to listen to, yet when push came to shove, his disapproval had carried weight. The need for parental approval was one of those convoluted psychological things that latched itself to a person’s mind even when logic shunned it. He’d made her second-guess herself. He’d made her second-guess Gray’s love for her.

Wasn’t it Freud who had written something to the effect that girls tended to fall for guys who were much like their fathers? God help her. Her father was a hovering, micromanaging, money-driven, controlling man who valued appearances and reputation above all else. He had made her teenage years unbearable. And then there was Gray, who had a compassionate side she couldn’t resist, yet he had to maintain control of every conversation, and his explanations for mundane things, like why he never had visitors or why he didn’t keep old baby or family photos, had frustrated her to no end. The thought of marrying someone remotely controlling like her father still made her nauseous. And there had been a part of Gray she couldn’t figure out...a part he kept locked away with the key in his pocket. Control. That fact had kept her up every night the week before the wedding. It had driven her to choose control of her own life...and to abandon a love that was just too risky.

On one hand, she often wondered if her father’s air of superiority and always having the final say in decisions had been the reason her mother had abandoned them when Mandi was still in grade school. Nana used to tell her that her parents had loved each other, but perhaps loving John Rivers had been too risky. Maybe the women in Mandi’s family were simply doomed when it came to love.

But Nana also used to say that there were two sides to every relationship and every story, so a part of Mandi also wondered if her mother had had commitment issues and Mandi had somehow inherited that curse. Perhaps her mom had suffered from the same suffocating urge to leave Turtleback and travel or experience big-city life that Mandi had. What if Mandi was just like her mother? And what if maybe, just maybe, Gray wasn’t at all like her father and Mandi had been fishing for excuses to run away. That would mean that she had thrown away the kind of love she couldn’t ever imagine feeling again.

Just stop it. She groaned and clenched her fists as she headed for the kitchen. She was doing it again—overanalyzing and spiraling through pointless reasons for what had happened to her and Gray. She hated it when she slid into this pattern. It had taken months for her to regain her focus after leaving him and starting graduate school. She was not going to let seeing him weaken her resolve. She steeled herself against the slurry of anger and sadness that pooled in her stomach. She took a glass from the cabinet by the fridge, filled it with cool water and drank half before setting it down.

No regrets. Nana’s voice swept through her mind with haunting clarity. The same words she would command Mandi to repeat like a mantra, whenever she was feeling down or torn about a decision. Regrets are like steel anchors. They’ll weigh you down and keep you from moving forward in life. Own every choice you make, and make it work for you.

Oh, she’d made her choice work for her alright. She would never regret earning her undergraduate college degree on her own terms. Studying online may not have been the same as getting a degree from a university her father could brag about, but it had saved her money. It had been the affordable option, and her master’s diploma from NYU was the one that counted now. Her father’s insistence that she study prelaw out of high school, then attend law school—all because he felt his political aspirations would have gone far beyond town mayor had he done the same—had resulted in her taking a gap year after high school. He had given her an ultimatum that he would pay for college only if she studied prelaw, which she had no inclination toward or desire to do.

That gap year had really ticked him off, but not nearly as much as her decision to put herself through a four-year advertising degree online, while working locally to support her goals. Her father had been downright furious. Turning down his money not only stole some of the power he had over her, but that gap year had also stripped him of bragging rights. His only child was the only one in her senior class whose intended college wasn’t announced at graduation. She had shamed him.

She never asked Nana for financial help either, though there was a time or two she wished her grandmother would have offered. All Nana ever told her was that she had faith in her and that Mandi could accomplish more than she knew she could. And she had. She’d accomplished something significant, but her father had yet to express any pride or approval in her degree. Had she married Gray the year she earned her diploma and found out she’d been accepted into a master’s program, she wouldn’t be on the verge of jump-starting her career right now. She took a deep breath and rolled the stiffness out of her shoulders.

Gray had not known she’d gotten accepted into NYU, yet he had made it clear that selling his vet practice and moving was out of the question. If she’d trusted his feelings for her, maybe she’d have given it all up for him or maybe she could have figured out how to make a long-distance marriage work for two years, but that hadn’t been the case. She didn’t leave him because of the master’s program. She left him because she couldn’t see a life with someone who wasn’t completely open and honest with her about everything.

You don’t regret leaving him. You’re just feeling alone because Nana’s gone.

She opened the pantry and took out another box of tissues. This was so unfair. Nana hadn’t said a word about being sick. Or had Mandi been so preoccupied with school and her career that she’d missed the signs? If she regretted anything, it was not being there for her grandmother.

She jolted when her phone alarm went off, then quickly silenced it and hurried to the guest room she was using while staying here. She glanced in the mirror and ran a comb briskly through her long, wavy hair. Her sun-kissed highlights were long gone and her face looked pale against the deeper brown. Unfortunately, her nose was as red and miserable as her eyes. She pinched her cheeks, then hurried to the sofa, where she’d thrown her purse last night. Years of avoiding a face-to-face with Gray, and now he was going to see her like this? She looked nothing like a successful graduate who’d just been offered her dream job with a top New York advertising firm. That was the impression she’d hoped to give. And why did that bother her so much?

She hated that one glimpse of Grayson on the beach had her worried about appearances and impressions...so much like her father. She just wanted people to see that she was okay and doing just fine for herself without Gray in her life. She didn’t want her father seeing her as weak and doubting that she could make it on her own without his money or connections. She wanted everyone who had been a part of her life to feel at least a little proud of her for making it on her own...even Gray. But she knew Gray hated her and she couldn’t blame him after what she’d done, yet a part of her yearned for him to wrap his arms around her and hold her until the pain of losing Nana became bearable. If it ever would.

She flipped the pillows on the sofa. Her keys had to be here somewhere. She distinctly remembered tossing them onto the purse. She shoved her hand between the sofa cushions. Yes. Her fingertips brushed against the pewter turtle that held the bundle of keys together. The doorbell rang. No.

She wasn’t expecting anyone. The image of Gray standing in the doorway flashed in her mind. She knew it was him. She just did. Her instincts screamed it. Her stomach twisted and her pulse skittered at the base of her throat. This would be so like him...wanting to give her his condolences in private, away from curious friends and family. Public displays of affection had always made him uncomfortable. It didn’t matter that this gathering was about loss. The fact that everyone in town knew their history practically guaranteed that behind all the sympathy would be curious eyes and gossip.

Gray was right. Getting this first encounter over with in private was the smart thing to do.

She shoved the keys in her pocket and took a deep breath as she went for the door and opened it.

“Mandi.”

“Dad?”

Her gut sank a few inches, but she wasn’t sure if it was relief or disappointment. Her father opened his arms and she complied. His embrace was anything but comforting. Maybe it was all in her head, but everything between them...even seemingly kind gestures on his part...always felt tainted with expectation or ulterior motive. Nonetheless, he was her father. Her only remaining family. That had to count for something. Mandi gave him a peck on the cheek and stepped back. He strode past her and stood in the center of the main room, his gaze darting around the place with purposeful efficiency.

“I thought we should drive over to the funeral together. Show how the Rivers are strong and will get through this together, as a family,” he said.

And there it was. Show. Keep up appearances. Mandi folded her arms around her waist.

“I’m so sorry about Nana, Dad. I know losing your mom must be hard on you.”

“Yes. Thank you. Same to you, sweetheart. I know you were close. And I realize that you were so young when your mother left, you probably don’t remember what it was like having her around. It’s different when you’ve been around someone day in and day out your entire life, like Nana, and then, suddenly, they’re gone. I know she was old, but still. It hurts.”

Leave it to her dad to put the color back in her face. It irked her to no end that he’d assume that she had no memories of her mother or that her leaving so abruptly hadn’t left a scar. How many times had she, as a little girl, wondered if she’d caused her mother to leave, even if Nana had assured her that wasn’t the case? Besides, Nana had been like both a mother and grandmother to her. More of a parent than John Rivers had been, for sure. He had always put his work first, whether it was when he was town mayor or, now, as a real estate investor. For him, life was about money and success. All he had ever cared about were Mandi’s grades and future career.

Sure, he had given her a roof and had read her bedtime stories when she was younger, but when it really came to parenting, it was Nana who had stepped in and picked up the pieces after her mother left. Nana had been the one to offer emotional support through all her growing pains and the pitfalls of dating. She was the one who instilled confidence in Mandi, assuring her she was pretty during the awkward teen years, taking her clothes shopping or even just holding and comforting her when she had missed her mom and felt confused. Her dad had always been too preoccupied with work to realize that parenting involved so much more than providing food and shelter.

It’s different when you’ve been around someone day in and day out your entire life and then, suddenly, they’re gone.

Was he also trying to point out that she hadn’t been around Nana on a daily basis the past few years? As if that would make her miss her grandmother any less? She bit the inside of her cheek to keep from lashing out. It wasn’t the time, or place. Nana wouldn’t want them fighting. She cleared her throat and fidgeted with her keys.

“I miss her, too. I, um, was planning to drive myself to the funeral home. In fact, I was just about to leave. We can park near each other and walk into the service together. I’d really like to have my car there, so that I can go for a drive afterward.”

What she really meant was that she needed a getaway car if things got overwhelming. Nana used to lovingly call her “my little hermit crab” because, for all her talk about making it big in the world, Mandi always needed downtime. She had the soul of a hermit, Nana would say. Sometimes she’d find her solace by reading upstairs in her nook and sometimes it was a sandy spot, hidden by tall grasses, overlooking the sound side of Turtleback. Her mind flipped back to the lighthouse and the time Gray whisked her up the spiral stairs to the top and they sat for hours watching the sunset. He had been quiet enough for her to find peace, yet comforting, with his hand wrapped around hers and his special scent enveloping her. It had been the day after she had finished her online degree and her dad had not shown up to the “graduation” dinner Nana had made for her and a few friends. His only reaction to Mandi’s telling him she’d finished her bachelor’s was, “Good for you. Now figure out what to do with it.” He had always dismissed her so easily, especially when she accomplished something that had not stemmed from his advice.

“Nonsense,” he said, running his hand along an old, chipped bowl that was the color of the wet sand along the surf.

The piece of pottery had been passed down for generations. It had belonged to Nana’s great-grandmother, who in turn had claimed it had made its way to her from a line of ancestors in the Algonquin tribe. Something about the way John Rivers touched it sent a streak of cold down Mandi’s neck...as if Nana herself was protesting. No doubt that bowl was worth a lot, assuming it really was antique, but it needed to continue its journey through generations of family. Mandi’s father wouldn’t see the value in that. He glanced over at Mandi. He did look tired. She knew he loved them both. It was just that his love seemed so misguided at times.

“I really want you to come with me, Mandi. You drove all yesterday. Besides, didn’t you used to hound me about the environment? Car fumes and fuel, etcetera...? Come on. Grab your purse or we’ll be late.”

He put his hand on her shoulder to ease her toward the door. She was too tired to fight him on this, as much as she wanted to.

“Fine. After you.”

She followed him out, pausing only to close up behind her. A breeze tousled her hair over her eyes as she waited for him to unlock the car doors with his fob. She pushed the hair out of her face and stilled. There was Gray on his motorcycle, helmet turned so that he was undoubtedly staring right at her from the crossroad near the house. He turned away, revved his engine and disappeared down the road.

“Are you getting in?” her father asked, glancing back toward the road. He made no effort to mask his irritation. Mandi tipped her chin up and gave a quick shrug, as if the sight of Gray or the sound of his Triumph engine failed to stir anything in her.

“Yeah, sorry. The wind was blowing my hair and I was just thinking of getting a scarf, but never mind. Let’s go before it’s too late.”

Go before it’s too late.

That’s what she needed to do. She’d stay for the funeral and then get out of town as fast as she could. Being this close to Gray was dangerous. She couldn’t risk everything she’d worked so hard for—her independence, career...and finally getting over him. Being near Gray would only reawaken old feelings. Emotions had a way of confusing a person. She needed to stay on track. Grayson’s life rested in Turtleback...and she simply didn’t belong here anymore.

CHAPTER TWO

FACES HAD A way of blurring at a funeral reception, especially at the rate Gray was moving through the crowd to exchange kind words about Nana Rivers. Everyone was there, from Darla, who ran the bakery, to Carlos Ryker, the town sheriff. Even the florist, who’d supplied the arrangements at all corners of the room, had lingered when her job was done. Nana would have preferred for the money to be donated to animal rescue foundations, rather than spent on expensive flowers. The baby’s breath, however, she would have loved. It was the only flower she ever had in her home because she said it was the only one that didn’t make her sneeze. Gray was going to need some fresh air soon himself. Between flowers and perfume, his eyes were beginning to itch. Animal dander never bothered him, but pollen and artificial scents he could do without.

He gave Nana’s friend from the library his condolences and spent seconds too long trying to pry himself away from two young women he recognized as teachers at the local high school. He hated crowds, and the idea that anyone could have the nerve to flirt at a time like this nauseated him. The only saving grace of having so many townsfolk present was that it kept things civil when he shook hands with John to briefly pay his respects. He wasn’t here for the man who’d almost become his father-in-law. He was here for Nana...and Mandi. Regardless of what had happened between them, he knew she was suffering right now. He knew firsthand how close she’d been to her grandmother.

He’d come so close to stopping by Nana’s cottage earlier. If John hadn’t been there, he would have already spoken to Mandi. Something told him that there wasn’t anything random about her father getting there first. He wouldn’t be surprised if John stuck by his daughter’s side until she was back in New York, far enough away from Gray...the guy John had insisted was too old for her and not polished enough, as if six years’ difference mattered when two people were meant for each other. It wasn’t only about age, though. John was an elitist. A man of position, whether he held one or not. He would always look down his nose at Gray. Even now, Gray wasn’t wearing a tie, a fact that was emphasized when he shook hands with John and the man smoothed his own. Gray hated ties. Nana knew it and wouldn’t have wanted him wearing one on her account. She encouraged people to be themselves around her. But for John, he was too casual and too much of a bachelor. He didn’t have what it took to be a family man or good enough husband for Mandi. And boy, did John hate Gray’s love of motorcycles. There was just too much speed and freedom in a motorcycle ride for him to handle or wrap his head around. Motorcycles weren’t stable enough...a direct reflection of Gray’s character, apparently.

He scanned the foyer of the funeral home, but there was no sign of Mandi. Clearly, she hadn’t lost her touch. He slipped through the group and stepped outside the massive oak doors that led out onto a raised decking with steps down to a walkway and the parking lot.

There she stood leaning over the railing at one end. She looked amazing. Even more beautiful than the selfie Nana had taken of the two of them during her last trip to New York about eight months ago. It was the photo Nana used on her cell phone lock screen, and he couldn’t help but look at it the few times Nana had asked him to hold her phone for her.

Mandi’s hair had gotten darker and longer but it still held loose waves, like the ones he used to run his fingers through. The wind kicked up, causing her skirt to hug the curve of her hip. She brushed the hair off her face and wrapped her arms around her waist as she watched clouds building up for a typical afternoon rain. Man, the sight of her made him long for the family they’d once talked about...like the one he’d witnessed on the beach that morning. He’d never wanted one with anyone else. He’d never wanted forever with anyone else. Only her.

He tucked his fingers into the pockets of his black jeans and walked over, bracing himself with each step. This wasn’t about opening up an old can of worms. This was about getting the closure they both needed and making peace. Nana would have wanted that and it was the least he could do in the little time he had before Mandi left again. Chances were, without Nana to coax her into a rare visit, Mandi wouldn’t have any reason to come back here again. Especially given the way she felt about her father and him. He hesitated when she tensed, clearly sensing his presence, then he stepped closer and leaned against the railing next to her.

“I thought I’d find you out here,” he said, trying to sound cool and matter-of-fact. She simply pressed her lips together and nodded. A lump trailed down her throat as she swallowed. He could tell she was struggling to find her words. “You don’t have to say anything. I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am about Nana. I couldn’t find you inside. Besides, John would’ve found a way to intercept,” he said.

That earned him a chuckle and she let her arms relax.

“You’re right about that.” She smiled softly. “Nana used to joke about how he needed a dog to help him relax but that he’d never get one because you were the only vet in town.”

“That would have to be one biddable dog. I would think your dad would love having someone around who would obey his every command.”

“Shh. He might hear you.”

She stifled a laugh and looked over her shoulder. Gray shrugged.

“It wouldn’t make him hate me any less.”

“How’s your dog? Laddie. Nana talks—talked—a lot about him,” she explained. Laddie and Mandi had never been formally introduced.

“I usually take him everywhere I go when I take my truck, but he’s at home right now watching a nature documentary. He’s the best, smartest, most patient dog I’ve ever met, but I doubt he’d have the patience for your dad. Everyone has their limits.”

“Don’t make me laugh.”

He loved her laugh. Her face relaxed and her dark brown eyes softened like warmed chocolate. He was letting himself fall into dangerous territory. But he had a safety net. She’d be gone soon.

“It’s okay to laugh. Nana would want you to. She was all about celebrating life.”

Mandi nodded, but her smile disappeared and chin quivered.

“She really was. I feel guilty about not being here. For not knowing something was wrong.”

He reached over and put his hand over hers. For a fraction of a second, he thought she was going to pull away, but she didn’t.

“You can’t feel guilty. No one knew. You can’t predict when an aneurysm will give, and she never told anyone she’d been diagnosed with one a few months ago or that the doctors told her operating in her case would be risky. It’s probably the only time I’ve ever known her not to take a chance. It was her choice, Mandi.”

This time, she did pull away. She covered her face briefly, then pushed her hair back.

“But don’t you see? I used to go to her doctor appointments with her when I was here. I would have known. I could have convinced her to try surgery or something. If she had told me, I would have at least come down to be with her.”

“Maybe that’s why she didn’t tell you. She didn’t want you dropping what was important to you on her account.”

Mandi’s lips parted and she shook her head. Oh boy.

“That didn’t come out right,” he quickly added. “I mean that she knew you wanted to be out there following your dream. Maybe she didn’t want to get in the way of that.”

“I understood you perfectly. I prioritized what I wanted and left Turtleback. I left everyone behind, including you. Do you really want to go there now, Gray?”

“That’s not how I meant it. I meant that she probably couldn’t bear the thought of being hospitalized or anyone having to take care of her. Nana hated to burden anyone. She was too independent.”

“Yeah. Maybe I got that from her.”

Gray threw his palms up. This wasn’t worth it.

“Forget I said anything. I’m expected over at the clinic, so again, my condolences. If I don’t see you before you leave town, then—just drive safely and have a good life.”

He turned on his heel and headed for his motorcycle as the first drops of rain hit the ground. He wasn’t expected at work today unless there was an emergency, but as far as he was concerned, getting out of Mandi’s hair qualified as one. He didn’t care if he got drenched. He needed to get out of here. He put his helmet on and rode off without looking back, but he couldn’t shake the hollow feeling that this was the last time he’d ever see her.