The Rancher's Expectant Christmas

Chapter Two

Apparently, pregnancy made her nostalgic. At least, that’s what Deanna was going with as she waddled outside after breakfast, bundled up against a morning chill laced with the scents of her childhood—fireplace smoke and horseflesh, the sweet breath of piñon overlaying the slightly musty tang of hoof-churned earth. It was always a shock, how clear the air was at this altitude, how the cloudless sky seemed to caress you, make you feel almost weightless. Even when you were hauling around thirty extra pounds that could never quite decide how to distribute itself.

A dog she didn’t recognize trotted toward her, something with a lot of Aussie shepherd in him. “And aren’t you a handsome boy?” she said softly, and the pooch dissolved into a wriggling mass of speckled love, dancing over to give her hand a cursory lick before trotting off again—Sorry, can’t dawdle, work to do, beasts to herd.

Other than the dog, little had changed that she could tell. The old, original barn still stood in all its dignified, if slightly battered, glory not far from the house, even though it’d been decades since any actual livestock had been sheltered there. She smiled, remembering the July Fourth barn dances her father had sponsored every year for the entire community, the cookout and potluck that had always preceded them. The fireworks, down by the pond. How much she’d loved all the hoopla as a child, even if she’d grown to dread it after her mother died of a particularly aggressive brain tumor when she was fourteen, when she’d never felt up to being the gracious hostess Mom had been. A role far more suited to someone...else.

Although most of the fencing around the property had been long since converted to wire, the pasture nearest the house was still bordered in good old-fashioned white post and rail...another bane of her existence when she was a kid and Dad had insisted she help repaint it whenever the need arose. Which had seemed like every five minutes at the time. She let her cold fingers skim the top rail, smiling when a nearby pregnant mare softly nickered, then separated herself from a half-dozen or so compadres and plodded over, almost as though she recognized Deanna. And damned if the jagged white blaze on her mahogany face wasn’t startlingly familiar.

“You’re Starlight’s, aren’t you?” she said gently, and the horse came close enough for her to sweep her fingers across her sleek muzzle, for the mare to “kiss” her hair. Same sweet nature as her mama, too, Deanna thought, chuckling for a moment before releasing another sigh.

It hadn’t been all bad, living out here. Boring, yes. Stifling, definitely. But as quickly as she’d acclimated to—and embraced—living back east, there’d been more than the occasional bout of feeling displaced, too. Even if she’d never admitted it. She’d missed riding, and the sky, and the deep, precious silence of a snowy night. Greasy nachos at the rodeo every fall. The way the mountains seemed to watch over the plains and everything that lived on them. The way everyone kept an eye out for everyone else.

Josh.

She spotted him, working a sleek chestnut gelding in the distance, as homesickness spiked through her, so sharp she lost her breath.

Homesickness, and regret. Choking, humiliating, taunting regret.

Shivering, Deanna wrapped up more tightly in the giant shawl she’d scored for ten bucks at that thrift store near her apartment—

Crap. She had no idea where she belonged anymore, although here certainly wasn’t it. Here was her past, which she’d long since outgrown. But her life there, in DC, had collapsed like a house of cards, hadn’t it? All she knew was that she’d better figure something out, and soon, before this little person made her appearance. Kinda hard to bring a baby home if you weren’t sure where home was.

Still caressing the mare’s sun-warmed coat, Deanna looked out toward the other horses grazing the frosted grass, their coats gleaming in the strengthening morning sun as bursts of filmy white puffed from their nostrils. Then she started as she realized Josh was headed her way. His own breath clouding his face, he came up beside her, digging into his pocket for a piece of carrot for the mare.

“I see you two have already met.”

Deanna drew back her hand, wrapping up more tightly in the shawl. “She’s Starlight’s, isn’t she?”

“Yep.”

“What’s her name?”

“Starfire. One of the best cutters I’ve ever ridden. Her babies should fetch a pretty penny. This one’s already spoken for, in fact.”

“When’s she due?”

“Late January or thereabouts.”

After a moment, Deanna said, “So she actually gets to carry her foal to term?” and Josh softly chuckled. She knew many “serious” breeders only used their prize mares to jumpstart an embryo, then transplanted them into surrogates. She supposed in some ways it was less stressful on the mare that way, but it’d always seemed to her so...callous. Like the horses were only things to be used.

“Not to worry. Your daddy would’ve killed me, for one thing. Not to mention my daddy. No, we do things the old-fashioned way around here,” he said, stroking the mare’s shiny neck. “Don’t we, sweetheart?”

The horse nodded, the movement knocking off Josh’s hat.

“Hey!” The horse actually snickered, making Josh shake his head before scooping the hat off the ground.

Deanna smiled as Josh smacked the old Stetson against his thighs to knock off the dust, then rammed it back on his head. “She looks so much like her mama it’s uncanny.”

“You seen her yet?”

“Ohmigosh—she’s still here?”

Something like aggravation shunted across Josh’s features. “Until the day she crosses over. Why would you think she wouldn’t be?”

“Because I’d told Dad to sell her, since I wouldn’t be riding her anymore. At least, not enough to warrant keeping her. But he kept her anyway?”

Leaning back against the fence, Josh folded his arms over his chest, releasing another little puff of dust from his well-worn barn coat. “He came to talk to her every day. Sometimes twice a day, until...well.” A small smile curved his lips. “To tell her all about what you were doing. I even caught him showing the horse your picture on his phone once.”

“Get out.”

“Of course, then he got all embarrassed when he realized I’d seen him.” The smile grew, even if it didn’t quite catch in his eyes. “Your father was crazy, I hope you know.”

This said so gently, and with so much love, Deanna’s eyes burned. But before she could recover, Josh said, “I know why he sent you away, Dee. Or at least, I can guess. And no, he never talked about you all that much afterward. But when he did...” Looking away, he shook his head. “It was obvious how much he loved you.” His gaze met hers again. “How much missed you—”

“You mind if we don’t talk about this right now? About Dad?”

His cheeks pinking slightly, Josh straightened, turning to look out over the pasture. “Sorry. I’m not real good at this.”

“At what?”

“Social graces. Knowing when to keep my trap shut. I hear this stuff in my head—” he waved in the general direction of his hat “—and it just falls out of my mouth.”

“I remember,” Deanna said quietly, then smiled, not looking at him. “I think that’s why we were friends.”

“Because I have no filter whatsoever?”

“Yes, actually.” She let their eyes meet, and her heart thudded against her sternum even harder than the baby kicking her belly button from the inside. “Because I knew you’d always be straight with me. Because...because you never treated me like the boss’s daughter.”

Confusion flitted across his face for a moment until he punched out a laugh. “Oh, trust me, I always treated you like the boss’s daughter.”

Now it was Deanna’s turn to flush. Partly because she got his drift, partly because she’d had no idea there’d been a drift to get. Or not, in this case.

Another subject she didn’t want to talk about, one she’d had no idea was even on the table until thirty seconds ago. However, at this rate they’d have nothing left to discuss except the weather, and wouldn’t that be lame?

“Didn’t mean to abandon you,” he said, and her head jerked to his again. “A little bit ago. For breakfast?”

“Oh. Right. It’s okay, Gus took over. As Gus does. Although I ate so little he threatened to hook me up to an IV.”

“So much for eating for two.”

“Yeah, well, one of the two has squished my stomach into roughly the size of an acorn. Not to mention my bladder. Anyway, I assured him that since I’d eaten everything that wasn’t nailed down in my second trimester I doubted the kid was suffering.”

Josh’s gaze lingered on her belly for several seconds before he turned to prop his forearms on the top rail. “So how long are you here?”

“Not sure. A couple of weeks? I figured...” Deanna cleared her throat, then clutched the fence, stretching out her aching back. “I figured,” she said to the ground as she willed the baby to shift, “there’d be...” Standing upright again, she met Josh’s gaze. “There’d be things to discuss. Handle. Whatever. So I left my ticket open-ended. Long as I’m back the week before Thanksgiving, I’m good.”

“And what happens then?”

“Among other things, an all Mahler concert at the National Symphony I’ve been looking forward to for months. But also an installation at my gallery. Well, not my gallery, but where I work. Young Japanese painter. I...” Her face warmed. “Through a weird confluence of events, I sort of ‘discovered’ him. This will be his first US showing, so we’re all very excited...and your eyes just glazed over, didn’t they?”

“That’s the clouds coming in, they said it might snow later.” She chuckled. Josh crossed his arms. “You like it? What you’re doing?”

“I adore it. It’s what I’m good at. What I love. That I’m actually employed doing something related to what Dad coughed up four years’ tuition for is a bonus.”

When she reached behind her to massage her lower back again—because her daughter’s favorite position involved ramming her skull into the spot right over Deanna’s tailbone—Josh’s gaze dropped to her stomach again, then away.

“This must feel weird. Being back.”

“You have no idea. Like I’m having a dream where I’m a kid again. Because so little has changed.”

Josh gave her a funny look. “Did you expect it to be different?”

“I’m not sure what I expected, truthfully.”

“You’re not what I expected, either.” His eyes narrowed as he scrutinized her hair. “What’s up with that, anyway?”

She laughed. “It was decided I needed to look—” she made air quotes “‘edgier’. As in, customers are more likely to buy contemporary art from someone who actually looks contemporary to the twenty-first century. So buh-bye long, blah brown hair, hello—”

“Edgy.”

“Yep. And this is not the pic Dad was showing Starlight. Trust me.”

“Since you never sent him one of you looking like this.”

“Oh, hell, no.”

Josh crossed his arms. “So this is, what? A costume?”

“It’s called dressing the part. And everybody does it. Seriously—if you rode into the rodeo ring in a business suit, would people take you seriously?”

Grinning, Josh looked away. “Point taken.”

Starfire’s breath warmed Deanna’s face when she reached up to stroke the mare’s nose again. “Gus said Dad had hospice come in, at the end,” she said quietly.

“The very end,” Josh breathed out. “That last week or so. Gus was his main caregiver. The rest of us filled in when we could, of course. Or I should say, when Gus let us. Since according to him we never did things right.”

Her jaw tight, Deanna looked back toward the house. “And as I said, Dad could have clued me in, anytime. Or let Gus do it.” Her mouth pulled tight. “I can tell how much it sucked for the old guy, caught between loyalty to my father and what he clearly felt he should’ve done.”

“And obviously you were in no condition to be nursing someone—”

“First off, between Gus and me, we would’ve managed. Secondly, also as I said, Dad didn’t know I was pregnant.” Her tenuous grasp on a good mood slipped away. “And this is a dumb conversation.”

She felt Josh stiffen beside her. “Just like any conversation that gets too close to reality, right? Seriously, if there’s some kind of prize for avoiding a subject, you’d win hands down.”

“And you might want to think about picking a fight with a pregnant woman.”

“I think I can handle it. And have. And since I have absolutely nothing to lose here, I may as well say this—whatever’s going on with you, whatever kind of relationship you and your father had is none of my concern. I know that. But this keeping secrets crap is for the birds. Especially since your dad knew something was going on with you, even if he didn’t know what. And that was my concern, since I worked for the man.”

Deanna gawked at him for several seconds before averting her eyes again. “That’s ridiculous.”

“My concern?”

“No. That you think he knew something—”

“Because he told me, Dee. He was worried about you. I’m not making that up.”

Annoyance surged through her. “If he was so worried about me, why didn’t he say something? Why didn’t he simply ask me?”

“Oh, I don’t know—maybe because he knew you wouldn’t’ve told him, so what would’ve been the point? Because God forbid the two of you actually talk to each other. And you know what?” he said, pushing away from the fence. “You’re right, this is a dumb conversation. And I’ve had enough of those to last me a lifetime.”

“Dammit, Josh—don’t be like this!”

“Like what?” he said, a frown digging into his forehead. “Who I’ve always been? The dude you could count on to be straight with you? Fine. You don’t wanna talk, I can’t make you. But you’re not gonna shut me up, either.” He shrugged. “Just how it goes.”

Then he stalked off, his boots thudding in the dirt, and Deanna sighed.

This was going to be the longest two weeks in the history of the planet.

* * *

His toddler stepdaughter balanced on one hip, Josh’s twin, Levi, came up beside him in the ranch’s formal dining room, where the dark, highly polished table contrasted with the troweled plaster walls and beamed ceiling. But after probably half a century Josh wouldn’t have been surprised to find the table’s graceful feet had taken root in the pitted grout between the old handmade tiles. He remembered, because his brain was being a real sonuvabitch today, hiding in here with Deanna when they were little—really little, like before he’d even started school—sitting under the table and pointing out “pictures” they’d see in the uneven tiles—

“You doing okay?” Levi asked, frowning at some unidentifiable finger food before picking one up and popping it into his mouth, anyway.

“Sure,” Josh muttered, doing some frowning of his own at Deanna through the wide, arched doorway between the dining room and the vast great room where she sat on one of the leather sofas, Mom watchdogging beside her as people offered their condolences.

His brother’s gaze followed Josh’s, but thankfully he kept his mouth shut. For the moment, anyway. Levi offered the toddler one of the...things, but with a vigorous shake of her dark curls and an emphatic, “No!” Risa shoved away his hand. So Levi ate it for her. As one did.

“Nice service,” his brother said, like they were distant cousins who hadn’t seen each other in twenty years. Josh glowered; Levi shrugged. “Well, it was. Simple and to the point. Granville would’ve approved. Doncha think?”

“Except he didn’t want a service at all. People making over him and stuff.”

“Yeah, well, we don’t always get our druthers, do we? And if you stare any harder at Deanna somebody’s gonna melt.”

“I’m not—”

Levi snorted. Josh sighed. Levi snorted again.

“You know, I do remember a few things from when we were kids. Like how you two were joined at the hip. Okay, bad choice of words,” he said when Josh glared at him again. “But you spent a lot more time with her than you did with any of us.”

“Because you all were jerks?”

“There is that.” The baby hugged his neck, yawned, and settled her head on his chest, giving Josh a sweet little smile before her dark eyes fluttered closed. Levi smoothed her thick hair away from his chin and said softly, “But I seem to recall you used to be pretty damn protective of her. I’m guessing that hasn’t changed.”

Blowing out a breath, Josh picked up one of the whatever-they-weres and ate it. Except for the green chile—which found its way into 90 percent of the food around here, with red the other ten—his taste buds weren’t really cluing him in. “Everything’s changed, Leev,” he said, chewing. “Seriously—are you the same person you were at seventeen?”

“No. Thank God. But I still love the same woman I did then,” he said with a glance at his still-very-new wife Val, who gave him a little wave. Softly smiling, Levi met Josh’s gaze again. “Only now we’re good together. When we were teenagers...” He shook his head. “Would’ve been a disaster.”

“Which has nothing to do with anything.”

“Do you even realize how pissed you sound?”

Behind the teasing—and okay, the truth—lay a genuine concern that only proved his brother’s words, that Levi wasn’t the same live-for-the-moment bad boy he’d been as a kid. Or had seemed to be, anyway. But after six years in the army and taking on a ready-made family, nobility sat a lot more comfortably on his shoulders than anyone could have possibly imagined back then. Which only proved his point that people changed. Sometimes even for the better.

“I don’t like unresolved issues, Leev. That’s all.”

Levi’s brows lifted. “Deanna’s an unresolved issue?”

“Not for me, no. No,” he said to Levi’s skeptical look. “But I suspect she’s got them. And I...” He shoved out another harsh breath.

“You still care. Which makes you feel like an idiot. Hey. We’re not twins for nothing,” he said, when Josh gave him the side-eye.

“Fraternal. We’re not clones, for godssake.”

“And you don’t share womb space—not to mention a bunk bed—for as long as we did without getting a pretty good feel for what the other person is thinking. Besides, I’m only returning the favor.” He nodded toward his wife again. “Considering how you didn’t exactly stay out of my face about Val, either.”

“And remind me to never say anything to anybody in this family about anything, ever again.”

Hiking the toddler higher on his chest, Levi chuckled. “Like that’s gonna happen,” he said, his gaze swinging toward their father, in conversation with Gus on the other side of the room. “You know what’s hell?” he said softly. “Being the child of fixers. Inheriting that gene. Because the truth is, we can’t fix everything. Hell, we can’t fix most things.” From his tone, Josh figured Levi was referring to his tours in Afghanistan, a time he still didn’t talk about much. At least, not to Josh. “The trick is,” Levi said, facing Josh again, “knowing which battles are yours to fight, and which aren’t. And sometimes...” He picked up another appetizer, gesturing with it in Deanna’s direction before taking a bite. “And sometimes it’s simply about showing up. Being there. Even if you know you’re not going to win.”

Josh felt another frown bite into his forehead. “Win? Win what?”

“The battle,” his brother said, then walked away to rejoin his wife and older stepdaughter across the room.

Yeah, not making him feel better. Especially since, as far as Josh could tell, the battle was in Dee’s head. Where it would undoubtedly stay, he thought irritably. And whether or not that made sense—his irritation even more than her reticence—it simply was.

Because this wasn’t his first rodeo. As it were, he thought grimly.

What was it with women, anyway? At least, every woman he’d ever known. Either they shared every single thought that floated through their brains, or they kept what they were really thinking locked up like it was a state secret. Only it wasn’t really a secret, oh, no. Because damned if they didn’t expect you to somehow magically know what they wanted or what was bugging them. And then what you were supposed to do to make it better. Like you didn’t really care unless you could read their minds.

A real stretch considering most men didn’t completely understand what a woman was saying when she did tell him. Because there were always these...subtexts. God, he hated subtexts.

Josh took another sip of his beer, not even sure why he was trying to figure this—her—out. Except... Deanna Blake had been the only female he’d ever known—with the possible exception of his mother—who’d always been open with him. Not rudely, or oversharing all the girl stuff he really did not want to know about. But he’d always known where they stood with each other. So her clamming up now was pissing him off. Big time.

A rough breath left his lungs around the same time Dee’s gaze wandered to his. His mother was nowhere to be seen, meaning Dee was alone, looking very brave. And, weirdly, very small. Since at only a few inches shorter than Josh, she wasn’t.

She smiled, after a fashion, and his gut cramped, remembering how bright that smile had once been. The way it’d light up her whole face...and Josh’s insides. How, for every time she’d rant and rave about something, she’d laugh five times more. These huge, completely unladylike belly laughs that sometimes got so out of hand she’d have to cross her legs so she wouldn’t pee herself.

But only when she was with him, she’d said.

So he was guessing her obvious unwillingness to talk about what had led to her current predicament—and he had no doubt it was a predicament—was basically a defense mechanism for when your life has gone to hell in a handbasket and you’re too damn embarrassed to talk to anybody about it. Especially when—he heard his son giggling, playing with his other cousins near the fireplace—it was kind of hard to ignore the consequences of that handbasket ride.

Not to mention the hell part of it.

Tossing his empty bottle in the plastic-lined bin by the table, Josh marched his sorry ass into the other room and over to Dee, where he dropped onto the sofa beside her like he actually knew what he was doing. Even though, aside from the fact he doubted he could fix things for her any better now than when they were kids, he also imagined they were the worst possible combination of two people in the entire world right now.